Snarky Thoughts

Tori Spelling has been seen wearing an eye patch and wandering the streets of LA looking for paparazzi to snap a photo of her, ahem, injury. Now, if you’re like me, you’d think maybe it was a chemical peel too close to the eye, or a Botox overdose, but, no, it’s more Tori than that. Spelling says she has an ulcer on her eyeball from wearing, daily disposable contacts for too long.

My Thought: Tori Spelling doesn’t know what “daily disposable” means. Tori Spelling is dumb.

photo

Skip Judy Garland! Back Off Babs Streisand! Step Off Springsteen! Adios Madge! According to Ben Affleck, there’s a new “greatest performer in the history of the world,” and it’s his wife, Jennifer Lopez. Yes, Ben shared his completely unasked for opinion on the podcast Smartless, hosted by Sean Hayes, Will Arnett, and Jason Bateman, who Ben worked with on the new Nike movie, Air, and when Jason asked Ben if he knew all of JLo’s music, and Ben replied that, yes, not only does he know all her music, he loves it, and “it’s brilliant.”

My Thought: Alcohol really does affect the brain. And the ears. And the sense of taste. And let me ask you this: isn’t that the face of a man who thinks his wife is the greatest entertainer ever?

photo

Tom Cruise has stopped sending Brooke Shields a cake each Christmas — but she doesn’t know “what happened.” Shields says that she was “on the list for a while” and “had a good 10-year run” getting the $126 Bundt cake that Cruise sends his famous friends for the holidays. But then Brooke got even shadier, laughing about Cruise cutting his ex-wife Katie Holmes and  daughter, Suri, from his Christmas card.

“It was from them and Suri, so it was the three of them, and then soon it was no Suri and no Katie and just Tom. Then it went from just Tom for a while, but not every holiday. And then the cake stopped.”

Brooke doesn’t believe the change has nothing to do with her and Cruise’s past feud over her postpartum depression medication. In fact, she was a guest at the Cruise-Holmes wedding and her daughter and their daughter had a joint birthday one year.

My Thought: Tom Cruise is a tiny man, in every way possible.

PS Tom erased Suri because she's considered a Suppressive Person in the Cult of $cientology and he can have nothing to do with her.

photo

Ana Obregón, a 68-year-old Spanish actress has caused a ton of controversy after using her late son’s sperm and a surrogate to give birth to her granddaughter. Last week, Ana was seen outside a Miami hospital holding a newborn baby she named Ana Sandra Lequio Obregón. People assumed the baby was Ana’s daughter and ridiculed her use of a surrogate at her age—surrogacy is actually banned in Spain, where many refer to it as “womb renting.” 

My Thought: What will Baby Ana call Ana Obregón? MamaGrandMama?

photo

Speaking of escándalo … Steven Tyler is denying allegations that he sexually assaulted a 16-year-old in 1973 and then forced her to get an abortion. Tyler recently filed a lengthy response to the claims, which were made in a December 2022 lawsuit, arguing that Julia Misley, formerly known as Julia Holcomb, consented to their sexual relationship and that he had immunity as her legal guardian at the time. He says her parents liked him so much they made him their child's guardian so he wouldn’t be arrested traveling across state lines with a child.

My thought: He had sex with a sixteen-year-old girl when he was twenty-five but says it was fine because she consented and he was her guardian at the time?

photo

Let’s talk actor Lukas Gage—The White Lotus season 1, You season 4 and the next season of Fargo—getting engaged to Kim Kardastrophe and JLo’s hairstylist Chris Appleton. Lukas and Chris went Instagram official—that’s how it’s done these days—in February and shortly after that Chris took to the talk show circuit telling Drew Barrymore  that he’s “very happy and very much in love,” while Lukas ran over to Today, saying, “I feel very happy, very lucky and very much in love.” And then just last week the pair went ring shopping together after dating for like a second two seconds.

My Thought: The marriage will take place quickly, so that the divorce can happen right before Emmy season and Luke can use the Red Carpet to talk breakup. Okay, call me a cynic, but don’t forget about other celebrity couples who met at lunch, got engaged over dinner and divorced before the dessert came; think Kim and Kris; Khloe and Lamar; Tom and Katie; Pamela Anderson and almost all of her husbands.

photo