The Funny Papers

Walt Handelsman, Bill Day, Mike Luckovich, Dave Whamond, David Horsey, Jack Ohman, Steve Breen, Michael de Adder, Matt Wuerker, Kevin Siers, Ed Hall, Darrin Bell, Steve Benson, Deb Milbrath, Nick Anderson, Clay Bennett

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Apparently it’s not just Samantha who took a hard pass on the reboot rehash mishmash of Sex and the City after all.

After HBO Max announced its limited 10-episode SATC revival entitled And Just Like That…, word came that Kim Cattrall, who’d already passed on what would have been the 51^st sequel—I know that’s wrong, it’s just the first two sequels were sooooo long it felt like fifty-one—was not having it.

And that started a feud of sorts between Kim and desperately seeking attention Sarah Jessica Parker that was just about over until the reboot rehash mishmash came along.

Only, Kim wasn’t asked to come back, and I’m sure she doesn’t care about that, but now we learn that Mr. Big, Carrie’s husband, played by Chris Noth, has also declined the invitation to return.

I wonder if they’ll play it like Mr. Big finally dumped the shallow, shoe-obsessed, always on the lookout for the next thing, Carrie, for the fabulous Samantha?

Now that would be a show!

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Kylie Jenner notoriously dropped her best friend, Jordyn Woods, after Jordyn hooked up with Kylie’s sister Khloé’s piece, Tristan Thompson, who had hooked up with Khloe while his then-other girlfriend was pregnant with their child. Tristan then cheated on Khloé while she was pregnant with his baby because dogs will be dogs.

And while Jordyn and Kylie never made up, Khloé took Tristan back so they could have another child so their two kids would be actually related to one another. And that lead to an online commenter asked:

“So… Is Kylie allowed to be friends with [Jordyn] again?” 

And Khloé snapped, and wants y’all to know that both her newest face, and all her old faces, does not like that; at all:

“I’m so sick and tired of this narrative that I control my sister or I dictate who she chooses to surround herself with. Never once have I ever and I mean EVER told my sister who she can be friends with. She is an adult, who can do whatever she wants to do. I will support her in anything and everything she wants to do! I love my sister unconditionally! That means regardless of who she chooses to be friends with, I will always love, respect and value my sister unconditionally!! She is my life partner and I will always respect what she chooses!!! By the way,  I have no ill feelings towards ANYONE!!! Truly. My heart carries no hatred at all. Unless you actually know what you’re talking about, respectfully SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

Sounds like someone doth protest too much.

Besides, we all know that no one tells Kylie what to do because she brings the most coins into the family. When Khloé starts dropping some coins maybe her opinion will matter.

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I never watched Buffy so I know none of these people but that’s never stopped me before, so here goes … it seems Buffy actress Charisma Carpenter has accused Buffy creator Joss Whedon of behaving inappropriately toward her on set. And once she spoke out, many of her Buffy and Angel co-stars told their own tales of Whedon’s bullying behavior.

Well, not all; Alyson Hannigan and Nicholas Brendon have said nary a word about the situation. And while there is no reason for Hannigan’s silence, the reason Brendon isn’t talking is because … wait for it … as excuses go it’s epic …  he slipped and fell, paralyzing his penis and anus.

Seriously. Brendon said he slipped the week before and felt a pressure in his coccyx bone. That pressure slowly traveled down his right side, and soon his anus and penis were paralyzed. In Nicholas’ own words:

“It’s weird not being able to feel your fucking anus when you’re shitting.” 

Yeah, might be best if he didn’t speak out?

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I blame Anna Wintour.

André Leon Talley, former Wintour BFF, is in danger of eviction from his White Plains, New York manse because maybe he doesn’t own it, and maybe he does?

While André claims ownership of the home, his friends—well, ex-friends—George Malkemus, former CEO of Manolo Blahnik, and his husband, Anthony Yurgaitis, claim it’s their house and that André was merely a renter who is behind in the rent to the tune of $500,000.

In November, George and Anthony filed documents seeking to evict André from their home claiming “$515,872,97 representing alleged arrears” while André filed his own lawsuit against George and Anthony claiming that, in 2004, the home he was living in developed mold and he needed to find a new place to live. He says that George, a friend for almost 40 years, helped him out because—and this makes literally no sense—his “work schedule was particularly demanding, and he could not obtain traditional financing” so he and George entered into a “gentleman’s agreement.” 

According to André, George and Anthony agreed to buy the White Plains mansion, with help from a $120K down payment provided by André, who would then make payments to George and Anthony until the balance of the purchase price was paid off and then the deed would be transferred to him. André claims he paid George and Anthony back and then some; the purchase price was $1.02M and André says he’s paid the couple $1.075M and then spent another $200,000 on home repairs.

Wait, so he overpaid? At any rate, André says he’s overpaid in full, and the couple did not sign over the house to him, and in March 2020, George and Anthony told André to pay it off or get out.

André believes that the couple was having money problems related to Manolo Blahnik’s bankruptcy and so they are trying to steal the house out from under him. That begs the question, though, how do these high-powered, somewhat affluent people, make a “gentleman’s agreement” and not put one word in writing? Makes no sense … unless ….

Like I said, I’d be looking at Wintour. This story has her claws all over it.

Oops, probably should have said that last part. If I suddenly stop blogging and you never hear from me again, someone tell the police it was Anna!

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Remember when the Gynecological world took Gwyneth Paltrow to task over her assertion that every vagina needed to be stuffed with a jade egg?

Good times. But now it’s England’s National Health Service [NHS] coming for GOOP demanding that she stop trying to prescribe any treatments for COVID-19 on her, ahem, “lifestyle” blog.

NHS medical director, Professor Stephen Powis, is asking Paltrow  to stop pushing misinformation lies, specifically the diet and health regimen she touted as a cure for COVID-19’s long-lasting effects. Gwyneth posted to GOOP that she had the virus early on and it left her with “long-tail fatigue and brain fog” and she offered up a lot of costly GOOP products—a “keto and plant-based” diet, fasting until 11AM every day, “coconut aminos,” sugar-free kombucha, kimchi, supplements, an “herbal nonalcoholic cocktail” called Seedlip and wrapping yourself up in a “sauna blanket”—that you can all buy to deal with its symptoms though you will never get over the pain of lining Gwyneth Paltrow’s pockets with coins over some 2021 snake-oil shiz.

Professor Powis—not be confused with Has been Actress Paltrow—says:

“I see Gwyneth Paltrow is unfortunately suffering from the effects of Covid. We wish her well, but some of the solutions she’s recommending are really not the solutions we’d recommend in the NHS. We need to take long Covid seriously and apply serious science. All influencers who use social media have a duty of responsibility and a duty of care around that. Like the virus, misinformation carries across borders and it mutates, and it evolves. So, I think YouTube and other social media platforms have a real responsibility and opportunity here.”

Oops! He called GOOP a “social media platform” when Gwyneth calls it The Answer To Every Single Problem That Anyone Anywhere Any Time Ever Can Access To Cure Themselves, Feel Better, Look Better And Empty Their Bank Accounts For.

Personally, I’ll listen to the professor working for a nationwide medical organization whose entire job is to facilitate the medical well-being of every citizen in a country over that of a woman who suggests you stuff a rock into your cooch.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Pete Buttigieg, Transportation Secretary, telling Seth Meyers on Late Night  about proposing to his husband Chasten in O’Hare Airport at Gate B5:

“I found this app that I could check on when it was going to be quiet at that gate based on when planes were coming and going. I kind of guided him into that spot, I was like, ‘why don’t you show me that spot where you first were when we started chatting with each other?’ I invited him to look out the window there and then got on one knee. I told him it would be a lot like being in the airport. Life with me would be probably hard to steal private moments but also full of adventure. And, uh, luckily for me he said ‘yes.'”

When Pete and Chasten first communicated on the Hinge app, Chasten mentioned he was at gate B5 at O’Hare, so when Pete was ready to propose, he waited until the two of them were going on a vacation, and asked Chasten to show him the spot where they first “talked.”

Damn. Hot. Smart. Romantic. Chasten is one lucky guy, though I think Pete got lucky, too.

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Meghan McCain, John McCain’s daughter, dammit, and co-host of The View, wants President Biden to fire Dr. Anthony Fauci because he hasn’t said when she can get the vaccine.

“The fact I, Meghan McCain, co-host of The View, don’t know when or how I will be able to get a vaccine because the rollout for my age range and my health is so nebulous, I have no idea when and how I can get it. If you call me at 3:00 in the morning, I will go any place at any time to get it. I want to be responsible and obviously, wait my turn, but this rollout has been a disaster, and I understand President Trump can take much of the blame,” McCain continued “Now we’re in the Biden administration, and I would look for something to look forward to, and to hope for because if getting the vaccine means that just nothing changes and we have to wait another few years till everyone gets it, there’s already a lot of people not getting it. We’re already having a messaging problem getting people to take this vaccine. So, I’m over Dr. Fauci. I think we need to have more people giving more opinions and honestly, quite frankly, I think the Biden administration should remove him and put someone else in place that maybe does understand science, or can talk to other countries about how we can be more like these places who are doing this successfully.”

Poor Meghan. No special treatment. And also, no words about the giant fuckup by her party and its leaders in this pandemic, and no acknowledgement of the strides made in the first four weeks of the Biden Administration.

Take a seat, Karen.

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Nikki Fried, Florida Agriculture Commissioner, directing her department not to lower its flags in honor of Rush Limbaugh, who died last week:

“I will not lower the flags at my Department’s state offices for Rush Limbaugh. Lowering our flag should reflect unity, not division—and raising our standards, not lowering them. Lowering to half-staff the flag of the United States of America is a sacred honor that pays respect to fallen heroes and patriots. It is not a partisan political tool. Therefore, I will notify all state offices under my direction to disregard the Governor’s forthcoming order to lower flags for Mr. Limbaugh—because we will not celebrate hate speech, bigotry, and division. Lowering the flag should always reflect unity, not division, and raising our standards, not lowering them. Our flags will remain flying high to celebrate the American values of diversity, inclusion, and respect for all.”

In Florida, y’all. A politician with a backbone and conviction.

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Jesse Watters, Fox News host, showing why he’s a Fox News host:

“Biden’s never going to be the one to throw on the bomber jacket and the khakis and go off to Air Force One and show that his heart is with Texas. Like any other president, Bush, Clinton, Obama, Trump, they would have already been there, throwing out paper towels or whatever presidents do to make it look like, for the cameras, that they care. I mean, politicians have to do that. It is effective because you want to make sure the country can rally around the recovery. He barely campaigned, I think he’s barely going to govern.”

Perhaps Biden didn’t go because the situation was such a mess and his presence there wouldn’t help? Perhaps he didn’t go because he has better things to do? COVID? Heard of it? 

Perhaps the idea that you think he should go just for the photo op shows how sad your ‘news’ operation is. Fuck all the way off, hack.

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President Joe Biden, urging passage of the Equality Act:

“I urge Congress to swiftly pass this historic legislation. … Full equality has been denied to LGBTQ+ Americans and their families for far too long. Despite the extraordinary progress the LGBTQ+ community has made to secure their basic civil rights, discrimination is still rampant in many areas of our society. The Equality Act provides long overdue federal civil rights protections on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity, locking in critical safeguards in our housing, education, public services, and lending systems—and codifying the courage and resilience of the LGBTQ+ movement into enduring law.”

It's equality; it’s not special treatment.

Equality; and if you think that’s a bad thing there is no helping you.

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Malcolm Kenyatta, Pennsylvania state Representative, and Democrat, announced that he’s running for U.S. Senate being vacated by Pat Toomey:

“America is really at a crossroads right now. I think that was made even more clear by what happened on January 6. And the reality is there nothing’s written on a tablet somewhere that says America has to succeed. You know, America succeeds because every generation steps up to protect and expand the promise of America, a promise that has excluded for too long so many working families whose lives were tough prior to COVID, and this deadly pandemic has made those cracks even worse. And so, I know that we have an opportunity right now to expand that promise, to make sure we that we have a country that doesn’t just talk about justice and fairness for all but that actually makes it real, and it’s with faith in that mission and joy in my heart that I’m announcing here tonight that I’ll be a candidate for the United States Senate to represent the great commonwealth of Pennsylvania.”

Kenyatta, who was Pennsylvania’s first openly LGBTQ person of color elected to the state’s General Assembly in 2018, would also be the first openly gay black man elected to the U.S. Senate if elected.

Let’s do this!

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Bobservations

The other night Carlos was Facetiming with his mother and, as they do, they chatted about the weather. His mother told him it was very cold in Mexico City, and she said it looked like it was cold here, too. Carlos said it wasn’t too cold, and she asked:

“Then why do you have a shirt with a thick fur collar?”

Carlos moved his head back and forth, and the collar adjusted itself; Tuxedo doesn’t like to be jostled while he’s sleeping.

Carlos’ mother could not stop laughing at his “collar”.

As you look around the political landscape, it becomes clear that, for some, the D or the R is a family trait. I am happy to say that when I became old enough to vote, I registered as a Democrat, which really didn’t bother my Republican parents. But then, as it should, in the early 90s, given the choice of Bill Clinton or George HW Bush, both of my parents switched parties, and stayed Democrats ever after.

I taught them well.

Lots of talk at our house about getting the vaccine and maybe taking a day trip, or quickie vacation,  somewhere for the first time in a year, and I think I’ve found the perfect spot.

Dick Island! Not it’s real name but still, there’s something about it that’s drawing me to it.

A woman named Joleen runs a Google Earth Facebook group and recently, while cruising around the globe virtually, she stumbled upon this Eden in the Pacific. The island is within the tropical Trinity Islands off the coast of French-owned New Caledonia, Oceania and is about 1600 feet long.

Perfect for you size queens, I’m guessing.

Just when you thought Rudy Giuliani couldn’t be a more disgusting pig of a man, he appeared on former presidential aide Steve Bannon’s podcast and told a high-larious story about playing golf with fellow disgusting pig of a man, Rush Limbaugh, and how Rush whined that the paparazzi were  following them. Rudy said the photographers were actually in pursuit of LPGA golfer Michelle Wie, because of her putting stance and how she “‘bends all the way over and her panties show.”

Wie heard the pig talk and smacked back:

“What this person should have remembered from that day. was the fact that I shot 64 and beat every male golfer in the field leading our team to victory. I shudder thinking that he was smiling to my face and complimenting me on my game while objectifying me and referencing my ‘panties’ behind my back all day. What should be discussed is the elite skill level that women play at, not what we wear or look like. My putting stance six years ago was designed to improve my putting stats (I ended up winning the US Open that year), NOT as an invitation to look up my skirt.”

Smack. Of course, when you’re as fucking ugly as Rudy Nosferatu Giuliani, perhaps the closest you get to a woman you didn’t order from a service, is looking up her skirt while she golfs.

A party shop in Texas has created a new piñata that looks like Ted Cruz slinking back home after being busted leaving Texas because he was too cold. And, like Ted Cruz, this one is filled with rot-your-teeth candy and, even more like Ted Cruz, the head is completely empty,

Now, buy one and beat the shit out of it!

I’ve asked before and I’m asking again: stop it with the word ‘moment,’ as in ‘This backyard needs a pool moment’ or ‘This outfit needs a cardigan moment’ or ‘This view really needs a moment,’ or “this room needs a red moment.”

Stop it.

In a virtual meeting, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau greeted President Biden like an old friend and slapped at the past:

"Thank you, again, for stepping up in such a big way on tackling climate change. U.S. leadership has been sorely missed over the past years."

Oh.The.Shade.

PS I could curl up in his hair and take a nap.

As I’ve said, Carlos and I love Jeopardy, and miss Alex Trebek. For nearly a month, Jeopardy’s biggest winner, Ken Jennings, has been the guest host, and done rather well. But this week, a new guest host, Mike Richards, stepped in because Jennings had other commitments and even though a bunch of celebs wanted to try their hand, there were concerns about traveling to Los Angeles because of COVID.

Richards is the executive producer of  both Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, as well as also being a gameshow host in the past, but what is most striking about Richards is that he is totally adorable. I mean, look at the brows!!!! Kidman is jealous of those brows.

Mike will host for the next two weeks before handing it over to :::ick::: Katie Couric and then Dr. Oz and then Aaron Rodgers.

Anderson Cooper is also tapped to host, but I think I like Mike. He floods my basement.

Deano Perona sounds like he’s a hot model from Italy or Spain or some such. He’s not; he’s a hot model from London.  He gives good face and looks like he’d be handy changing a tire …or at least nice to look at while changing a tire.

He can rock a teeny-weeny swimsuit, too, and has abs you can grate cheese on if you’re so inclined.

And lastly, as in the cases of most hot models, the less he wears the better he looks.

Architecture Wednesday: Spanish Hideaway

Okay, so I am the Little Boy who cried, “This is the house for me!” But, yeah, this is the house for me, even though it’s in Los Angeles. It’s a Spanish home where Katharine Hepburn lived early in her Hollywood career, where Boris Karloff lived at the height of his career, and where and Eric Burdon of the band The Animals lived in the 1960s.

Drama queen, horror king, rock king, all in the same gorgeous home, and the foot home is for sale for a hair under $9 million.

Hepburn rented the home for five years when she made the transition from Broadway to Hollywood in 1932. Once she had established herself, she moved on and bought her own home, and this house was them sold to Boris Karloff, who lived there from 1938 to 1945, enjoying his passion for gardening and turning the grounds into a tropical paradise.

Built in 1927, the five-bedroom, six-bath home sits in an almost park-like setting, thanks to Karloff, who created the gardens still intact today; there are terraces, two outdoor fireplaces, manicured lawns, tropical blooms, roses and fruit trees, steps leading down to the swimming pool and a pool house. Inside, the whitewashed brick walls are balanced by wood or tile floors and wood ceilings with exposed timber beams, Spanish mosaic tiles, and antique chandeliers; there are a total of six fireplaces in the home where you can cuddle up with a husband or a cat or three, a little dog, a glass of wine.

The single-story home is larger than it first appears, with wings that branch out over some 5,000 square feet of living space. Large windows, and clerestory glass, along with several skylights, flood the home with natural light.

It’s the perfect home, with a sense of history and luxury, and gardens, pool, places to relax, places to entertain. And, okay, it’s too much house and too much yard, but then we’d invite guests all the time and get a gardener. I need to check my sofa cushions. I have some money, so all I need is another $8,999,000 and I’m loading up the truck to move to Beverly … Hills that is. Swimming pools and movie stars and movie star ghosts.

Dwell