It's Snarkurday!

Before Taylor Swift released her new single—Look What You Made Me Do—the Beyhive was going nuts, crying plagiarism because ... wait for it ... Swifty stood, front and center, in a line-up of her dancers, which had never been done by anyone, anywhere, anytime ever, until Beyoncé released Formation.

All the hubbub forced LWYMMD video director Joseph Kahn to ask that everyone calm the eff down and wait to see that no one, least of all Little Miss Innocent, TayTay, was ripping off Beyoncé.  And so the crisis was adverted ... except it wasn’t, because Joseph Kahn cannot stop talking about not stealing from Queen Bey and even went on a long-winded Twitter rant against those mean critics where he accused Bey of ripping of Taylor first:

“The biggest insult anyone throws at her is that she’s manipulative. What does that mean? As an artist, because you know what clothes you want to wear, you know what edits you want to make, you know what the set-ups are, you know what the theme of every idea is, you know what your lyrics are. Is that manipulative or is that just being smart?”

Seriously, Joe? One video and you’ve become TayTay’s chief protector? Are you still waiting for the rest of your coins from the shoot before you stop talking? Build a bridge. Beyoncé is ripping off everyone who ever came before her and Taylor Swift is doing the same thing, too.

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I guess she got bored with being an internet “darling”—I kid, darling? Hardly—so Gwyneth Paltrow has taken some of GOOP offline and turned it into a real-life magazine.

And, if you’re so inclined as to subscribe to a lifestyle magazine when Gwyneth Paltrow tries to train the peasants how to live like she does, you can have the pleasure for $15 an issue.

Sounds like a lot when you realize that what you pay for you can get for free on the internet because there’s nothing new to GOOP the magazine.

It’s nothing more that GOOP the site on paper. It’s nothing ... except, like Oprah, Paltrow will feature herself on every cover.

Oy.

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This is rich ... Kim Kardastrophe is ALLEGEDLY expecting a third child, via surrogate, with Kanye West and, well, since that news is all over social media, Kim wants you to know that this invasion of privacy is reprehensible.

Yes, the woman who became famous for having sex on camera and then allowing her mother to market it and sell, the woman who lives her life on a reality show, who was married on TV ... twice ... and divorced 72 days later on TV, the woman who married the most ego-maniacal, media whoring man on the planet and did that on TV, too, the woman who posts photos of herself at a near breakneck pace on social media, the woman who attended a fashion event in a plastic dress and bleached blonde hair just for the attention, is now bothered by a lack of privacy?

Gurl please. Sit down.

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I love this story ... okay, on The Real Housewives of New York last season, the scandal du jour was that Countess Luann de Lesseps fiancé was making out with another woman in a hotel bar.

Well! Luann was not having it; she loved Tom, and Tom loved her! Dammit!! And there was no cheating and they were going to be married because they were soul mates and all the other ‘wives’ could go to Hell.

And so the Countess Luann de Lesseps actually married Tom D’Agostino and continued to profess that theirs was a love for the ages; it had to be, because, by marrying D’Agostino, she was forced to give up the Countess title and go back to her original title, Bar Drunk #6, so it must be love ... until seven months later when the lovebirds announced they were no longer in love and the marriage would be terminated.

Luann played it off with little asides that Tom wasn’t ready for marriage, that, as a long time bachelor, he was not prepared for coupledom, except ... gosh I love a good ‘except’ ... this week, just two months after ending it with Luann, confirmed bachelor Tom D’Agostino proposed to Luanne’s former friend, Anna Rothschild.

He’s found his soulmate and all he had to do was give up the title of The Man Who Married Luann For Seven Grueling Months.

Ain’t love grand?

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Oh, dear, poor Mel B is having a hard time with her divorce.

She escaped an ALLEGED abusive ten year marriage; she just ended a romance with a Beverly Hills Cops who told her he was single except that he was still living with his wife; she’s endured the gossip about the threesomes she had with her hubby and the nanny; she endured the story of her husband getting the nanny pregnant ... of how the nanny asked Mel B to pay for her abortion so Mel wouldn’t find out that the nanny’s baby was her husband’s baby, too.

And now this ... Mel is under investigation for trying to influence a witness in her divorce proceedings not to testify against her.

It all broke when Rapper Siya filed a police report claiming Mel B sent her texts threatening her if Siya dared testify against her; sources say Siya showed police the text messages and a felony witness intimidation case was opened.

The rumor is that Mel B is enraged that Siya is set to contradict her and claim Belafonte never physically abused his wife; Siya is also set to testify that Mel B frequently used illegal drugs, and to testify about the three-ways between Mel B, Belafonte and their nanny, Lorraine Gilles. Now, to be fair, this all doesn’t mean that Mel B wasn’t abused and that her husband and ex-nanny weren’t the lowest of lowlifes, but Mel needs to settle and let this sordid mess just play out and out and out ... like the new story that there was yet another little threesome she and her hubby took part in.

Yup; apparently a 22 year-old Swedish student claims she had also a threesome with Mel and Stephen, and that Mel contacted her recently to say she would pay for a flight so the woman could testify on Mel’s behalf. The woman claims that Mel encouraged her to say that Stephen forced her to have sex with him and that Stephen has encouraged Siya to cry witness intimidation as a way of smearing Mel first.

At any rate, it’s all really icky and gross, and I kinda wish they’d just stop talking before I start reading about them while wearing a HazMat suit and then taking a bleach bath.

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Tom Cruise is not gay. He’s not, so stop saying it, inferring it, implying it. He’s.Not.Gay. And we know this because a dead gangster says it’s true.

In the posthumous biography of Johnny Fratto, Now That I’m Dead: Here’s the Real Dirt, written by Mafia historian Matthew Randazzo V, Fratto reveals that he coached Cruise during the 1985 filming of The Color of Money:

“Despite what rumors you’ve heard, I can vouch from firsthand experience that Tom Cruise is not a homosexual.”

And there you have it. Oh, you need more? Okay ... Fratto, who died in 2015, states:

“Cruise took a liking to me . . . maybe he got off on my real-life stories of hustling in the underworld that made his script look dry and uninspired by comparison.”

And Fratto then goes on to describe how Cruise met up with him at a nightclub in Chicago one night and how Cruise put his arms around “two smoking hot party girls from Des Moines.”

“If there was anything gay about Tom Cruise, I sure as f**k didn’t see it, and neither did the girls from Des Moines.”

And there you have it: Tom Cruise isn’t gay because a dead gangster saw him put his arms around two hot girls from Des Moines—and no offense to Des Moines, but, c’mon, hot?

Finally we know the truth ... though I keep harking back to how Fratto said:

“Cruise took a liking to me . . . maybe he got off on my real-life stories of hustling in the underworld.”

Cruise liked him and got off on his stories.

Hmmmmm ...

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