Oscarvations

Well, another year and another Gay Super Bowl, er, Oscars. And, as is almost always the case, the awards went pretty smoothly, no real big upsets or surprises ... except for that one yuuuuuuge upset surprise right there at the end. But we’ll get to that in a minute; let me start by telling you how I feel ....

Gosh, I find Justin Timberlake so full of himself and so try-hard and so look at me I’m not really that talented though you think I am especially when I’m singing a song that sounds like a riff rip-off of Pharrell’s Happy .... Just sayin’.

Jimmy Kimmel was funny, with a few flatliners in the show, but I’ll share some lines I liked the best ...

“The way you people go through hosts, it’s probably my last time here”

And the running gag of the night being Kimmel’s “feud” with Matt Damon, which began year’s back when Kimmel’s then-girlfriend, Sarah Silverman, sang a song called, ahem, “I’m F**king Matt Damon.”

A quick glance at Mel Gibson in the audience and, sheesh, does he look like a crazy old man or what? I mean, I know he has a temper, but he scares me so badly that I’ve taken out a restraining order against lest he ever show up in Smallville.

Jimmy Kimmel calling Matt Damon a dumbass because he could have starred in Manchester By the Sea instead of producing it and he might have won an Oscar, but he gave that up to make that “Chinese pony-tail movie.”

"Things change. Last year it was the Oscars that seemed racist [but this year] black people saved NASA and white people saved jazz.”

Quick shot of ... HOT MAN ALERT ... Mahershala Ali ... HOT MAN ALERT ... hot and smoldering, smiling and shimmering. :::swoon:::

And to Isabelle Huppert, nominated for a French language film:

“We didn’t see Elle but we absolutely loved it.”

And then he went after Meryl Streep, saying he wanted to honor the “actors who seem great but really aren’t” and then calling her overrated and saying she “phoned in her performances in over fifty films” before asking about her gown, “Is that an Ivanka?” and y'all know how much i love La Streep, but I couldn't even pay attention to her because every time she was onscreen I could see, sitting a couple of rows behind ... HOT MAN ALERT ... Aldis Hodge ... HOT MAN ALERT

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR ...  Mahershala Ali ...  Moonlight

Kate McKinnon and Jason Bateman present BEST MAKE-UP ... make-up ... what you do after a fight ... Kate McKinnon is high-larious ...  Suicide Squad ... and BEST COSTUMES ... the cost of umes ... Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

Kimmel brings out “Algebra’s Angels” with Hidden Figures stars Taraji P. Henson, Octavia Spencer and Janelle Monae, who then bring out the real Katherine Johnson and give out award for BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT ... OJ: Made in America ... which I saw on TV? Huh? ... HOT MAN ALERT ... Ezra Edelman ... HOT MAN ALERT ...

The Rock, er, Dwayne Johnson appears and is not funny, and cannot sing, and should not be on my TV because he looks like an elbow ... or a penis ... or an eraser.

Kimmel reappeared and brought up the new It joke, the food joke; Ellen did it first and now it seems as if it makes an appearance on every awards show, but this time Kimmel sends candy parachuting into the theater from above, so he’ll get props for that.

HOT MAN ALERT  ... Chris Evans ... HOT MAN ALERT ... presents Best Sound Editing ... Arrival ... Sylvain Bellemare and BEST SOUND MIXING ... Hacksaw Ridge

Mark Rylance, last year’s Best Supporting Actor gives out the BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS ... Viola Davis, who kills it with her acceptance speech. A brilliant actress in everything she does, from Law & Order back in the day to Doubt and The Help and Fences and How To Get Away With Murder and everything

else.

“Viola was just nominated for an Emmy for her Oscar’s speech.”

In what Kimmel calls the theme of the night, “Inspiration,” we see a clip of Charlize Theron watching Shirley MacLaine in The Apartment and then the two appear onstage for BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM ... The Salesman from Iran ... Asghar Farhadi ... who isn’t there to accept his award out of respect for those Muslims from the six other countries who cannot come into this country.

HOT MAN ALERT ... Sting ... HOT MAN ALERT ... sings The Empty Chair ... the song is from Jim: The Jim Foley story ... and is the tale of journalist Jim Foley who was murdered by ISIS. 

It's a short song, but sweet and poignant; still, it was so short it was less song and more stanza. But it was lovely for the forty-five seconds.

Hailee Steinfeld and ... HOT MAN ALERT ... Gael Garcia Bernal ... HOT MAN ALERT ... present BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM ... Piper ... and then BEST ANIMATED FEATURE ... Zootopia ... but first Gael says:

“Flesh and blood actors are migrant workers. We travel all over the world. We build families. We construct stories; we build lives that cannot be divided. As a Mexican, as a Latin-American, as a migrant worker, as a human being, I am against any form of wall that seeks to separate us.”

Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, from Fifty Shades of Dull ... or something ... these two are so boring and so lacking chemistry ... I don’t get it ... BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN ... La La Land ... and winner David Wascom reads from a scrap of paper thanking his wife who is STANDING right next to him!

Then a Hollywood tour group comes through ... a gag that could have fallen flat, but Kimmel saves with the help of Nicole Kidman, Meryl Streep, Denzel Washington, Jennifer Aniston and Mahershala Ali ... who played with the crowd of tourists, took pictures, kissed and shook hands and then Mahershala  let these strangers touch his Oscar. Vicki and Gary from Chicago were the best ... married by Denzel while holding selfie sticks.

“You taped your dress to your boobs for nothing,”

Then came a clip called Movies Around The World, one of those things the oh so serious academy likes to do that just adds more time to an already overlong show. Edit, people, edit!

HOT MAN ALERT ... Riz Ahmed ... HOT MAN ALERT ... and Felicity Jones present BEST VISUAL EFFECTS ... The Jungle Book ... followed by another Inspiration video with Seth Rogen being inspired by Michael J, Fox ... then appearing onstage to present BEST FILM EDITING ... Hacksaw Ridge

HOT MAN ALERT ... David Oyelowo ... HOT MAN ALERT ... and Salma Hayek ... why is she there? She hasn’t made a film in years. But they present BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT ... The White Helmets ... and BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT ... Sing ... before we get

HOT MAN ALERT ... John Cho ... HOT MAN ALERT ... and Leslie Mann to tell us about the Science and Technology Awards. What could have been boring and bad was made funny by their banter ... 

“We did not go into space.”

Another Inspiration moment between ... HOT MAN ALERT ... Javier Bardem ... HOT MAN ALERT ... and Meryl Streep, who then present  BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY ... La La land

Mean Tweets Oscar Edition:

Jessica Chastain:

“I’m going to white balance my TV on Jessica Chastain’s chest.”

Whoopi Goldberg:

“Tanner raised his arms and my Dad looks at his armpit hair and says, ‘It looks like you’ve got Whoopi Goldberg in a headlock.’”

Emma Stone:

“Emma Stone looks like a crack whore in every role she plays.”

Then ... HOT MAN ALERT ... Ryan Gosling ... HOT MAN ALERT ... and Emma Stone present John Legend signing two songs from La La Land ... “City of Stars” and “Audition.” Legend really has a magnificent voice, smooth and silky, and, yeah, he’s easy on the eyes.

Samuel L. Jackson gives the BEST ORIGINAL SCORE Oscar to Justin Hurwitz ... La La Land ... then Scarlett Johansson gives the BEST SONG Oscar to Justin Hurwitz, Benj Pasek and Justin Paul ... “City of Stars” ... La La Land ... 

Benj Pasek is a cute little, I assume, gay boy.

 “Fake news we hate, fake tans we love.”

Jennifer Aniston is given the intro to the Death March and Sara Bareilles sings a haunting version of “Both Sides Now.” I think she’s done the Death Song a few times now and is always good, but do you wanna be labeled the girl who sings while dead people appear behind you?

Another Inspiration video ... this time it’s Jimmy Kimmel being inspired by how bad Matt Damon is as an actor ... and then Kimmel announces the next two presenters ... “Ben Affleck and guest.” The guest is Matt Damon, and every time he speaks the orchestra, lead by Kimmel, tries to play him off. But they present BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY To Kenneth Lonergan ... Manchester By The Sea

Amy Adams brings her girls, and by girls I mean boobs, onstage to present BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY... Moonlight ... Barry Jenkins and ... HOT MAN ALERT ... Tarell Alvin McCraney ... HOT MAN ALERT ... who spoke about black and brown kids and non-gender non-conforming kids being represented in film.

“Just because a screenplay is adapted doesn’t mean we love it any less.”

BEST ACTRESS .... Emma Stone ... La La Land

BEST ACTOR ... Casey Affleck ... Manchester by The Sea ... lotsa folks thinking Denzel had this one ... alas he did not.

Halle Hairy Berry presents BEST DIRECTOR ... Damien Chazelle ... La La Land  ... and then it happened.

First, Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway appeared onscreen because this is the Fiftieth Anniversary of Bonnie and Clyde and I think, “Wow, Faye Dunaway has had do much plastic surgery that she looks younger than she did fifty years ago” and “Wow, Faye Dunaway has huge fake teeth.”

But, as they announce the winner of BEST PICTURE Beatty seems confused and pausing, then hands the card to Dunaway, who announces the winner ... La La land ... cheers erupt and the cast and crew arrive onstage all aglow at their big win ... But then there’s another man onstage, alongside Jimmy Kimmel and La La Land producer announces that there’s been a mistake and Moonlight is the winner of Best picture. It seems like a bad joke, but, it’s true ... Beatty was given the envelope, a second envelope, that had the name Emma Stone and La La Land inside, which is why he paused, but when he gave it to Dunaway, she simply read La La Land.

But it wasn’t meant to be ... La La Land is a sweet beautiful film that could have gone sappy and sentimental and all kinds of wrong, and would have been a good choice for Best picture but ... Moonlight is the kind of film that you need to see an d the kind of film that stays with you long after it ends.

Either film was a good choice, but Moonlight was, seriously, the best choice.