It's Snarkurday!

So it took years, longer than they were married, in fact, for Bethenny Frankel, of the Real Housewives New York,  and Jason Hoppy to finalize their divorce because she had a lot of money and he wanted a lot of money, but it appears that the divorce decree didn’t stop the madness.

Hoppy was arrested last Friday and charged with harassing and stalking  Frankel after he ALLEGEDLY—though there are witnesses—showed up to their 6-year-old daughter’s school and screamed at his ex:

“I will destroy you.”

Now that’s a line that nearly ever Real Housewife has uttered so maybe Hoppy’s auditioning for the show since his coins have stopped rolling in?

And it appears that this isn’t the first time Hoppy got hoppin’ mad; last Fall, Frankel’s current man, Dennis Shields, got his lawyers to serve Hoppy with a cease and desist after Hoppy sent out a bunch of craycray emails to both Frankel and Shields.

Hoppy gave the cease-and-desist no mind and kept on emailing the ex and when that garnered no reaction, he followed her to their daughter’s school and went all Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan on Frankel’s ass and that’s when police snatched him up.

Sadly, Hoppy then asked Frankel for bail money, I think, because he has no more money.

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The Grammy Awards are down three stars! Justin Bieber, Kanye West and Drake aren’t coming.

We know Kanye isn’t coming because he’s a big ass baby.

Justin is staying at his crib—and by crib, I mean an actual crib—because the Grammy’s don’t recognize no-talent losers; he worded it differently, as in the Grammy’s don’t recognize “young talent”, but I paraphrased for you.

Drake isn’t coming because JLo grounded him after the pictures of his date with the porn star surfaced.

So sad that these three won’t be there because ... oh who cares, it’ll be a better show without them.

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Azealia Banks, former rapper and now professional malcontent, has tried to up her relevance by taking to Twitter to approve of _____’s Muslim ban; if _____ had only offered up a Banks ban, I would’a been all over it and stayed at the airport waving goodbye to both Tyra and Azealia.

It started on Twitter when Rihanna announced that she was sickened by _____’s ban:

“Disgusted! The news is devastating! America is being ruined right before our eyes! What an immoral pig you have to be to implement such BS!!”

Azealia saw that and figured she had nothing better to do—she has no career to speak of, unless acting the fool is a job—responded with:

“As far as Rihanna (who isn’t a citizen, and can’t vote) and all the rest of the celebrities who are using their influence to stir the public, you lot really REALLY need to shut up and sit down. Stop chastising the president. It’s stupid and pathetic to watch. All of these confused people confuse other confused people.”

RiRi and Azealia went back and forth, with Banks accused Rihanna of f**king for drugs and tracks.

Then RiRi Tweeted a screen shot of a text that Azealia sent her, exposing Azealia’s phone number, and Azealia returned the favor.

Seriously? Azealia Banks has Rihanna’s phone number? Girl? Scrub that phone because no one needs crazy trying to text them.

I mean, first Chris Brown and now Azealia Banks?

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Robin “One Plagiarized Hit Wonder” Thicke and Paula Patton’s custody fight is ugly. She accused him of physically abusing her and their 6-year-old son, and was awarded temporary custody of the boy, and was granted a restraining order against Robin. 

But even after that victory, Patton then accused Thicke of being a cokehead and violent, cheating douche ... well, the accusation of being a cheat is valid, but the drug abuse is all ALLEGATION.

But, Paula says that Robin actually invited his drug dealer to his son’s 5th birthday party, though nothing happened like Robin didn’t offer coke to five-year-olds instead of offering Coke™ to five-year-olds.

Paula also claims Robin’s manager quit in 2009 because his drug use was out of control, and that the drug abuse messed with his ability to cheat on her.

Huh? Paula says that on Valentine’s Day 2013, she and Robin had sex Chateau Marmont and then later that same night he tried to f**k some girl in the other bedroom of their suite while she was asleep:

“When I confronted Robin about this, he admitted to attempting to have sex with the stranger, but stated that he ended up being unable to do so because of the amount of cocaine that he used that evening had caused him to be unable to perform.”

Paula says Robin admitted to having unprotected sex with seven women causing her to be tested for STDs.

Paula also claims that after the 2013 MTV VMAs, she came back to their hotel to find Robin in bed with two naked women.

Paula says that while Robin was getting a massage at their home in 2013, she noticed he was hitting on the massage therapist.  When she caught him, he became verbally abusive and she fled to another room; he chased her down and broke the door down.

Paula says, Paula claims. Paula needs to keep her mess out of the news and think about her little boy one day reading all the nasty things she says Daddy did, be they true or not.

Take a breath, Paula, and ask the judge to seal all the court documents.

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It’s long been ALLEGED that Kevin Spacey is a Friend of Dorothy ... that he could have a show on Bravo ... that he’s a homo and now comes this bizarre take.

On his Instagram page, George Stults, who was on 7th Heaven, posted a picture of Kevin posing near Sunset Strip bar Rock & Reilly’s and George reminisced about IT LIKE THIS:

“Love to see the very first man to hit on me in Hollywood supporting @rockandreillys we intimately met while @geoffmstults were catering the premier for the fight club. #ididnotdropthesoap #hicuteboy @rae0890”

Huh? The ALLEGED reminiscence was accompanied by a middle finger emoji. 

So, Kevin Spacey hit on a cater waiter? That’s tacky. Everyone knows that in Hollywood you hit on bartenders or masseurs.

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It costs a ton to make Ben Affleck happy and when you lose all that money what do you do?

Affleck’s Live By Night was his directorial follow-up to the Oscar-winning Argo but Live By Night was a mess and literally bombed at the box office but ...

... because Affleck’s Batman v. Superman made a ton of money, and The Accountant also did well, Warner Bros gave Affleck $65 million to make Live By Night, plus another ten million to promote it and now it seems like Warner’s will be taking a $75 million dollar loss because they wanted to keep Affleck happy.

Look, if you wanna keep Affleck happy give him a case of scotch, a deck of cards and a stripper. Surely that wouldn’t have set Warner’s back seventy-five million.

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It appears that the Made-For-TV Relationship of Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton might have run its course, and that now Blake is trying Boot Scootin’ Boogie his way away from Gwen.

Shelton’s Doing It To Country Songs tour starts this month and runs through September and he ALLEGEDLY doesn’t want Gwen to tag along. He’s tried to tell her that she would be bored if she came along and I kinda believe that; I mean, seeing Blake Shelton even once in concert might tempt me to hurl myself off a freeway overpass, but seeing him live for eight months?

Child, please.

This could be true, or it could be false, but given that Gwen and Blake have created this relationship on stunts, I’m thinking maybe the ardor has cooled.

But that could be a bonus, because they could each release new albums of sad songs about how their Made-For-TV love didn’t last.

And, again, I’m bored.

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For well over a year. Johnny Depp and Amber Heard have been at war about money and things and control.

Amber finally won earlier this year when a judge finalized their divorce and ordered Johnny to cough up the seven million bucks he owes.

But will he? I mean, now there are all kinds of stories about Depp and his money troubles.

After selling off artwork and property and then nickel-and-diming Amber over the settlement, Depp’s Second String of lawyers filed suit against his managers at The Management Group [TMG]. Depp accused them grossly mismanaging his money and basically losing tens of millions of dollars on bad investments and overbilling.

Gurl, please; TMG is not playing and they have countersued and provided details of their countersuit saying that Johnny Depp has a long history of extravagant spending on staff, real estate—he owns some fourteen properties around the world—and other things.

While Depp claims that TMG collected $28 million in contingent fees he never agreed to, consistently failed to file or pay his taxes, failed to keep proper books and loaned nearly $10 million of his money to third parties without authorization, TMG countered with this:

“Depp lived an ultra-extravagant lifestyle that often knowingly cost Depp in excess of $2 million per month to maintain, which he simply could not afford. Depp, and Depp alone, is fully responsible for any financial turmoil he finds himself in today.”

Among the examples of excess:

$75 million spent on 14 residences

$18 million spent on a luxury yacht

$30,000 per month spent on wine

$3 million to blast the ashes of author Hunter Thompson from a specially-made cannon over Aspen.

Seriously? $30,000 a month on wine? Is that bad?

Asking for a friend.

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