The Oscar Fashion Report

BEST ... I had three picks this year:

Hailee Steinfield was just a shimmering gorgeous princess while ...

Janelle Monae rocked the sexy Evil Queen look. Janelle’s look might be a little much to some, but when you push it a little and look so fabulous doing it, well, that’s a winner.

And finally, my BFF Nicki Kidman; she’s been all over the place this awards season looking like a saloon girl one night and a bird of paradise another; but at the Oscars she played the simply elegant card.

VERY GOOD, clockwise from top left:

Emma Stone brought the Old Hollywood glamour with some La La fringe to the show, and picked up the Oscars while doing so.

Robin Roberts, of ABC News, stole the pre-show, however, looking like an Oscar statuette.

Viola Davis can do no wrong, acting, accepting an award, looking fabulous, she scored on all three last night.

Scarlett Johansson was a vision; a Sugar op=Plum Fairy visiting long after Christmas. Ethereal and edgy, she was.

MEH, clockwise from top left:

Amy Adams allegedly skipped the red carpet because her role in Arrival wasn’t nominated. Good thing because that’s way too much cleavage. I guess she wanted to show the academy that she had two Golden Globes and didn’t need Oscar.

Jessica Biel; she looked good from toes to ... neck. That clownish looking neckpiece—either part of the dress or a bad accessory choice, and the Frau Blücher hair—ruined it for me.

Felicity Jones looked like a thirteen –year-old girl off to her first big girl dance. This isn’t Oscar at all, and she’s a little too old to go so young.

Chrissy Teigen never met a design idea she didn’t beat to death ... high slit, peek-a-boo boobage ... spray tan ... smoky eye ... pick one, Chrissy, pick one!

ALSO MEH ... clockwise from top left:

Charlize Theron is one of the hottest women in the world—and I’m a raging homosexual so that should tell you something—but this dress does her a huge disservice. She looks so thick in the waist, and her waist looks so long. I thought she was channeling Joan Crawford Linebacker chic.

Halle Berry coud’a gone higher but that hair was just bad. I get it that she was tired of her short ‘do, but that mass off curls was too much, too square, and too much in her face. It ruined everything.

Naomie Harris looks like Casper the Friendly Superhero ... or else she got a yuuuuuuge piece of toilet paper stuck on the back of her dress.

Isabelle Huppert looked classy and sleepy and, well, it was a bit of a yawn. The only think that struck me about this look at all was how much she looks like Calista Flockhart.

BITCH STOLE MY LOOK

Emma Roberts and Michelle Williams should become friends so they can better coordinate outfits at these shows. And if you wanna wear the same thing does it really need to be a lace tablecloth skirt? I say, No.

BAD ... left to right;

Alicia Vikander is channeling Saloon Girl Funeral Wear while ...

Brie Larson is channeling Jessica Rabbit-Ears Funeral wear and ...

Salma Hayek is channeling ... Basic Funeral Wear. Seriously, black is usually chic, but I half expected these women to arrive in hearses.

BADDER ... left to right:

Dakota Johnson has made two films all about sex and seduction and yet she dresses like Schoolmarm Oscar? With Juliette Lewis’ old hair—and even Juliette has stopped doing that.

Jennifer Aniston, on the other hand, has found a style and sticks to it like she’s hanging on for dear life. Low-cut? Check. High slit? Check. Surfer Girl hair? Check. Try.Something.New!

WORST

Leslie Mann is so funny that I thought this was a joke and she’d whip it off and give us a real dress underneath. But this yellow ... hideously yellow ... Zac Posen number just proves that if you add more and more fabric to an already ugly dress you just get a bigger uglier dress.

BEST HOT MAN

Aldis Hodge. Classy. Classic. And I love the jewelry on the lapel. But, sheesh, he is so damned hot my TV screen fogged up and my pants got a little tight ... down there.

VERY GOOD HOT MEN

Mahershala Ali, who smolders, until he smiles and he shimmers. I love the all-black look.

Riz Ahmed, from Rogue One, took the other direction and chose a beautiful blue tuxedo that fit him to a T.

GOOD HOT MEN

Chris Evans always seems to wear a blue tuxedo, but, you know, he’s Chris Evans so he can wear anything, or nothing, if he chooses, and I’ll be good with that.

David Oyelowo is looking dapper in the white jacket with black lapels. He’s just a classy sexy guy with a classy sexy voice.

Gael Garcia Bernal. He’s such a wee thing, but he is so damned cute and he’s Hispanic and y’all knows how much I loves me a Hispanic man.

HONORABLE MENTION HOT MEN

Dev Patel. He looks so much better since he cut his hair.

Glen Powell, from Hidden Figures is sleek and sexy in basic black.

John Legend always looks simply elegant, but he looks much better with Chrissy Teigen hanging all over him.

Pharrell Williams always goes a little different, a little edgy, and last night he rocked some Chanel. I’ll give him points for that and points for not wearing shorts!

Lucas Hedges, Manchester By The Sea, is giving me formal serial killer chic between the tux and the hair and I’m kinda liking it ... which says volumes about me.

Justin Timberlake is like John Legend; he looks good in a tuxedo. But, unlike Legend, he is smarmy and full of himself. Just sayin’.

WORST HOT MEN

Jamie Dornan stars is those sexy movies with Dakota Johnson, and he, too, looks drab and slouchy and decidedly unsexy. Plus, you’d think that since he’s a model he’d have better posture and know how to wear clothes.

Ryan Gosling is so freaking handsome and usually looks so put together, but those ruffles on the shirt are giving me either Tom Jones circa 1974, or cater waiter refilling my water glass. Hot cater waiter refilling my water glass.

WTF NOT HOT MEN

Terrence Howard is either trying to be Hugh Hefner of he left his coat at home and walked out wearing a smoking jacket.

Jackie Chan also wore a robe and brought along the two stuffed Pandas he sleeps with, I guess, Seriously. Stuffed animals. At the Oscars. Oy!