Cardinal Keith Admits To Schtupping Priests

It’s clear to even the most casual readers of this blog that I am no fan of the Catholic Church. I suffer fools, I suffer wingnuts, I suffer morons, but I cannot suffer hypocrisy.

The Catholic Church has spent decades, centuries even, talking up all the good they do in the name of children, while hiding child rapists and pedophiles to avoid any shame. They say they help the poor and yet they give the recently resigned Pope, Pope Benny the Quitter, the Catholic MGB™, a palace in which to live with his male secretary while millions go hungry. So, no I am not a fan.

The newest target of my rage is one Roman Catholic Cardinal Keith O’Brien—the head of the Catholic Church in Scotland, the most senior Catholic prelate in all of Britain, and its sole cardinal eligible to vote in the upcoming papal conclave—who was suspected of engaging is homosexual affairs with priests and whomever he could get his hands on.

Now, naturally, the good Cardinal denied all of this, and railed against those who would besmirch his name by linking it to The Gays, but then, well, he resigned and it looked like the stories were true. But still he denied and denied and denied until……

In recent days certain allegations which have been made against me have become public. Initially, their anonymous and non-specific nature led me to contest them.

However, I wish to take this opportunity to admit that there have been times that my sexual conduct has fallen below the standards expected of me as a priest, archbishop and cardinal.

To those I have offended, I apologise and ask forgiveness.

To the Catholic Church and people of Scotland, I also apologise.

I will now spend the rest of my life in retirement. I will play no further part in the public life of the Catholic Church in Scotland.

So, we can all smile smugly and say, Oh, I knew it but before we do that let’s also remember that Cardinal Keith—as he’s probably known at the local Gay Bar—was one of the most outspoken and highest-profile homophobes in the entire Church. He imagined himself the leader of the Roman Catholic Church’s war against The Gays, and repeatedly smeared loving and committed same-sex couples for having the temerity to ask for marriage equality. All while he was boning a priest.

He spread fear among his minions, calling marriage equality a “grotesque subversion of a universally accepted human right” and threatened an “unprecedented backlash” if the Scottish government allowed same-sex couples to marry. He also lied, which I guess is what one does when one becomes a Cardinal and a priest-f**ker, when he said that if same-sex marriage became legal in Scotland, the Catholic Church would be forced, forced, to perform same-sex weddings. He called -sex relationships unhealthy and inferior to opposite-sex relationships, and said they are detrimental to children; he whipped himself into a frenzy and said that marriage equality would force schools to stock what he called “homosexual fairy stories.”

While f**king priests and lying about it.

Is it any wonder that the numbers of people leaving the Catholic Church grows every day? I mean, why would you stay with a religion that spreads hate and fear and horror stories when the scariest stories of all happen within the church walls?

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