Today In Stoopid: _____ Appointee Lies, Then Lies About Lying

Pete Hoekstra, _____’s newly appointed Ambassador to the Netherlands was confirmed less than two weeks ago and, well, it’s already not that good.

Hoekstra, a former House Intelligence Committee Chairman, was born in the Netherlands—and _____ scored points for that—but that doesn’t help what happens when Hoekstra opens his mouth and _____isms fall out.

In a video clip that's going viral on social media, a Dutch reporter in the US asks Hoekstra why he chose to spread the lie that there are so-called "no-go" zones in the Netherlands, and that cars and politicians are being set on fire there.

Ambassador Hoekstra denied ever saying such a thing and then plays his _____ card by calling the story "fake news":

"That is actually an incorrect statement. Yeah – we would call it fake news. I never said that – no, it's not what I said."

Except that then the reporter shows Hoekstra a video of him saying exactly that:

“The Islamic movement has now gotten to a point where they have put Europe into chaos. Chaos in the Netherlands, there are cars being burned, there are politicians that are being burned, and yes, there are no-go zones in the Netherlands.”

So, Hoekstra clearly said what he said, even though he called it a lie and “fake news” and so when the reporter brings that up again Hoekstra says:

"I didn't call that fake news, I didn't use the words today."

Seriously, he’s trying to lie, on camera, bout something he said just seconds ago, on camera. The reporter looks stunned and says, “No?” and Hoekstra responds.

"I don't think I did.”

And so, the reporter ends the interview with a laugh, but is it really funny? I mean, these _____sters think they can lie, even when the truth is on film in front of their faces, and then lie about the fact that they just lied.

Seriously.

NCRM

Peace ... To All ... Merry Christmas

I didn’t know what you wanted for Christmas, so I’m’a regift what I gave y’all last year … a repostage of my annual holiday wish.

It still holds true … for me:

Christmas means a lot of different things to a lot of different people.

It's a religious holiday.
It's a shopping holiday.
It's a day for those who shop religiously.
I'm not a big fan of either.

So, for me, Christmas is a day to spend with those you hold most dear in your heart. For me, it's Carlos and my family. Of course, the family is mostly on the Left Coast and I'm over here on the right, so Christmas is me and Carlos, and Ozzo, Tuxedo, Max Goldberg, and Consuelo Roca Jones—all our furry kids.

It's a day of relaxation and togetherness; reflection and laughter; of a good dinner cooked and shared by the two of us. It's not a day for What did you get? or for thinking How could I have spent so much? It's a day for How lucky am I?

How lucky indeed.

Christmas is more than a celebration; it's a connection we all can share regardless of faith, if we look at it as a day of Peace. A day to relax; to forgive, if not forget. To be at Peace.

Every year I get the same question from friends and strangers alike: What are you getting for Christmas? What do you want for Christmas? 

And I always say, What I get is a lovely day. What I want, and I ask for it every year, is Peace on Earth.

So here's to Peace on Earth, and the little parts that each of us plays in creating our own peace. To make amends to those we may have slighted in the past year; to those who may have slighted us. To talk with the people we love just because we love them. To be nice.

Just to be nice. There's a concept.

Maybe if we all took a moment to think about how we'd like to be treated, we would find ourselves treating others the same way. It's a small step, but an important one. A Please here and a Thank You there. You're Welcome is good, too, though My pleasure, is better. Hold a door open for someone; let someone with fewer packages get in line ahead of you. Lay off the horn. Don't speed. Smile. Be nice.

Be at Peace.
Merry Christmas world.
Happy Hanukkah.
Happy Kwanzaa.
Merry Festivus.
Happy Holidays.
Peace.

And so that's my wish for you and yours. Health. Happiness. Love. Peace.

And, while I've said it over and over again, that I have my personal spiritual beliefs and they do not follow the teachings of any organized religion, every Christmas, no song makes me feel more peaceful, more happy, more at ease, more hopeful than this one.

And so I'll end with O Holy Night, not because I am a religious man, but because I am a hopeful man, a peaceful man, a contented man.

And no one, for me, sings it better than my girl, JHud.....Jennifer Hudson.

The Funny Papers

Clay Bennett, Rick McKee, Steve Sack, Drew Sheneman, Jack Ohman, Mike Luckovich, Adam Zyglis, David Fitzsimmons, Phil Hands, RJ Matson

It's Snarkurday!

Recently Jessica Chastain revealed that a big named actor told her to stop Tweeting about the sex scandals in Hollywood and the #MeToo movement. People speculated that it was everyone from Matthew McConaughey to Idris Elba to Matt Damon.

I thought, Damon? No way, but now … Minnie Driver, who dated Damon during and shortly after appearing together in Good Will Hunting—note: Damon broke up with her when he told Oprah on her show that he didn’t have a girlfriend which was news to his girlfriend, Minnie—read Damon’s latest mansplaining of how the world works and had a few choice words for her him.

It seems during an upcoming interview for ABC with film critic Peter Travers, Matt thought it best to explain that some kinds of sexual harassment aren’t as bad as others:

“I think it’s wonderful that women are feeling empowered to tell their stories and it’s totally necessary. I do believe there’s a spectrum of behavior… There’s a difference between patting someone on the butt and rape or child molestation, right? Both of those behaviors need to be confronted and eradicated without question, but they shouldn’t be conflated.”

Well, Minnie read Matt’s interview and took to The Twitter, with a link to Damon’s interview:

“Good God, SERIOUSLY?”

And then she added:

“Gosh it’s so *interesting how men with all these opinions about women’s differentiation between sexual misconduct, assault and rape reveal themselves to be utterly tone deaf and as a result, systemically part of the problem (*profoundly unsurprising)”

Good for Minnie, because, um, Matt? I like you, I do—though you aren’t Husband In My Head material—but any form of sexual harassment, from verbal to a pat on the ass to groping to rape is unacceptable, m’kay?

I believe you have daughters, so I’m sure if they told you about a man in a powerful position, their boss, or co-workers, grabbing their ass, you wouldn’t tell them it’s all relative. Would you?

Sit down, please, and don’t speak for women again.

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Well, y’all remember that Omarosa Manigault Newman resigned was dragged from the White House last week and she instantly ran to the media to tell sell her story.

And the media wasn’t having it, as when Robin Roberts listened to Omarosa and then said, “Well, she has a story to sell. Bye Felicia.”

And that also set Omarosa off, and so she went back to the media to whine about it, and told Inside Edition what she thought of Robin’s farewell bid:

“That was petty. It’s a black woman civil war.”

Petty; from the woman who made a career of petty during her career on reality TV.

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With the #MeToo movement having a seemingly endless supply of sexual predators to out, it’s not going anywhere. But one ALLEGED sexual harasser, Russell Simmons, started his own hashtag movement in an effort to deflect from the allegations leveled at him.

Hence the #NotMe movement, and this statement from Simmons:

“Today, I begin to properly defend myself. I will prove without any doubt that I am innocent of all rape charges. Today, I will focus on “The Original Sin” (Keri Claussen), the claim that created this insane pile on of my #MeToo. Stay tuned! We’ll share information today… And tomorrow the case of Jenny Lumet. My intention is not to diminish the #MeToo movement in anyway, but instead hold my accusers accountable. #NotMe Again, this is not a movement against or even in conjunction with #Metoo . It’s just a statement about my innocence.”

Trouble is, some women saw the emerging #NotMe mess and decided that they’d stayed silent long enough. And so that’s when former America’s Next Top Model judge Kelly Cutrone revealed her story about the time Russell tried to rape her in 1991, saying:

“The #NotMe thing? I’m going to do a #YeahYou. F**k you.”

Kelly says she and Simmons were walking to a party together; he’d asked her to stop by his apartment earlier in the evening, but she declined. As they walked, he said he needed to stop in at a friend’s place and when they got in the door—of an apartment she now thinks was his—he pushed her to the ground and tried to take her clothes off. She kicked and screamed and threatened to have him murdered and finally escaped, but stayed silent for reasons which are her own until Simmons started #NotMe.

Today she says of Simmons, an avid yogi:

“I hope he chokes on his om pendant.”

Brava! #YeahYou

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Last summer Beyoncé had to pull out of Coachella because she was “pregnant” and with no such excuse this year the show will go on.

But for anyone who wants a Destiny’s Child reunion, child please. Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams won’t be on the guest list, nor will any of Destiny’s former children, like LaTavia Roberson and LeToya Luckett, because Beyoncé is about Beyoncé, and nothing more.

Still, the Beyhive is saying there are all kinds of clues on social media that there will be some massive reunion and they will not let it go.

Until it happens and then they act like they knew all along, lest they piss off Bey.

Again, if it’s not all about Beyoncé it’s not happening.

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Well, Track Palin, the spawn of Mama Grizzly Bore™, has been arrested on domestic violence charges … again.

 Track was arraigned on three counts: felony burglary, misdemeanor reckless assault and misdemeanor criminal mischief for causing up to $500 in property damage; each charge was related to domestic violence.

A source close to the situation—and you know it’s Blister because she’s been out of the news lately—says Track was breaking and entering into his parent’s home where he beat up his daddy, Todd, before Todd and the MGB™ fled the scene in two different cars.

The Palins, America’s white trashiest family.

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Oh, if only this applied to her entire life … 

The New York Daily News is reporting that Mariah Carey has contractually agreed to stay “positively silent” about ex-fiancé James Packer after he paid her millions of dollars in settlement when they engagement ended.

Like I said, if only this applied to her entire life.

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I am no fan of Mira Sorvino, but even she didn’t deserve this …

 Back in October. Mira told The New Yorker that in 1995 Harvey Weinstein tried pursuing her while promoting Mighty Aphrodite and that because she said ‘No! A thousand times No’ her career instantly stalled. Weinstein responded by saying that there were “never any acts of retaliation against any women for refusing his advances.”

Well, that might be a lie, because directors Peter Jackson and Terry Zwigoff both claim that Harvey Weinstein actively encouraged them not to work with Mira Sorvino. In fact, Peter Jackson, who calls Harvey and Bob Weinstein “second-rate Mafia bullies”, says the two ALLEGEDLY orchestrated a “smear campaign” against both Sorvino and fellow Weinstein-accuser Ashley Judd.

Jackson says he met with the Weinstein’s in the late 90s to pitch the Lord of  the Rings and The Hobbit films, and expressed interest in casting Mira and Ashley in one or more of the films, but says Harvey and Bob told him that both Mira and Ashley were a “nightmare” to work with, and that he should “avoid them at all costs.”

Jackson was kind of disgusted by the conversation and, instead of dealing with Weinstein and Miramax to release the films, he took the project to New Line Cinema, though he did not hire Sorvino or Judd. Jackson says he then chose to never work with the Weinstein’s again.

Director Terry Zwigoff backs up Jackson’s story with one of his own; he says he considered casting Sorvino in 2003s Bad Santa, which was being made by Dimension, a division of The Weinstein Company, but every time he brought up Mira’s name over the phone the Weinstein’s hung up on him:

“I was interested in casting Mira Sorvino in BAD SANTA, but every time I mentioned her over the phone to the Weinstein’s, I'd hear a CLICK. What type of person just hangs up on you like that?! I guess we all know what type of person now. I'm really sorry Mira.”

The Weinstein Boys, Harvey’s the pig and Bob’s the pig who covered for the pig while it was convenient.

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Speaking of pigs… after decades of unchecked sexual harassment stories broke last week, chef Mario Batali has been fired from The Chew, The Food Network has put the kibosh on a planned Malto Mario reboot, and Batali has stepped down from day to day operations at the 26 restaurants he co-owns.

Clearly, folks are done with Batali so what does he do? Mario, who has already publicly apologized for his behavior, decided to apologize again in a newsletter:

“As many of you know, this week there has been some news coverage about some of my past behavior.

I have made many mistakes and I am so very sorry that I have disappointed my friends, my family, my fans and my team. My behavior was wrong and there are no excuses. I take full responsibility.

Sharing the joys of Italian food, tradition and hospitality with all of you, each week, is an honor and privilege. Without the support of all of you — my fans — I would never have a forum in which to expound on this. 

I will work every day to regain your respect and trust.

Ps. in case you’re searching for a holiday-inspired breakfast, these Pizza Dough Cinnamon Rolls are a fan favorite.”

Yes, after apologizing for sexually harassing and assaulting women, he included a recipe.

I think they should call them To Catch A Predator Cinnamon Buns!

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Uh oh, blame it on The Biebs?

Selena Gomez's mother, Mandy, was hospitalized after a "heated” conversation with her daughter over Selena’s ALLEGED rekindling of her relationship with Justin Bieber.

Sources—and it’s probably Justin—say Mandy had a shouting match with Selena about the reunion, and when Selena said she and The Biebs were in couple’s therapy, Mandy flipped. A fight ensued, police were called, and Mandy was "voluntarily" transported to a hospital for treatment.

Like I said, blame it on The Biebs when mother’s try to verbally beat their daughters who go back to dating the pipsqueak.

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Would You Hit It?

This is singer, and member of One Direction, Niall Horan, and I have one simple question: Would.You.Hit.It. Yes or No.

I Didn't Say It ...

Seth Meyers, on the firing of Omarosa in as she claims, the Situation Room:

“Wow, the Situation Room, though I have a feeling any room Omarosa walks into becomes the Situation Room. Seriously, you know it’s bad when they have to fire you in the same place they killed Osama bin Laden.”

Omarosa Bin Laden. Yeah, that sounds about right.

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Complicit _____, on Fox & Friends  to promote the GOP tax bill, but proving she doesn’t understand it at all:

"I'm really looking forward to doing a lot of traveling in April when people realize the effect that this [tax bill] has... The vast majority will be [doing their taxes] on a single postcard.”

Um, Complicit? May I call you Stupid?

Yes, Republicans hope to one day simplify and streamline taxes to the point where you could file them on a postcard but that isn’t happening this year.

Stupid. Complicit. Ass.

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Greg Locke, “pastor” of the Global Vision Bible Church, on Jack Phillips, the anti-gay baker at the heart of that Supreme Court case:

“If you’re anything like me, you’re sick and tired of hearing about this homosexual cake baking nonsense. The LGBTABCDEFG – whatever the foolish acronym is at this particular point, they’ve gone overboard. They have fake outrage, selective drama, and why don’t they get up and go try that nonsense at a Muslim bakery? See if they get their tails thrown out in the street and see what happens then. This is an absolute, positive target. It is a target on Evangelicals with actual convictions. Time out Bucko. I don’t really give the flip of a wooden nickel who you have sex with. I don’t care about your stupid perverted sex life! But I do care when you cram it down my kid’s throats in public school. I do care when every sitcom, every late night talk show host, every comedian, every song, every movie coming out has to push push push push push push the agenda. We’re sick of you pushing your agenda. You’re emotionally scarred because you’re a pervert and you do things that are an abomination to God. You’re not emotionally scarred because someone won’t make you a cake. Are. You. Flipping. Kidding. Me.”

Methinks a closet case doth protest too much, but, still, I wonder how this so-called pastor would feel if a baker refused to bake a cake for a Christian?

Uh huh.

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Sarah Huckleberry Sanders, refusing to offer specifics of how the GOP Tax Scam will, as _____ claimed, “cost [him] a fortune”:

“This actually could impact the president in a large way.”

Yes, just because she said it, we’re supposed to believe it.

Bitch.

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Sarah Silverman, comedian, on patriotism in America:

“The right has perverted the meaning of being liberal, or being feminist. Even ‘social justice warrior’ is an insult. We pervert language so much. Patriotism has always been a bit owned by the right. Patriotism is perverted. We’re not on the same page of what it means. To me, being patriotic is loving your country — being a citizen, having a voice, being e pluribus unum. How perverted it is to go from ‘We are one’ to ‘We are number one,’ which is such a childish idea.”

Patriotism doesn’t mean whites only, men only, the rich only, America only.

The right doesn’t get that because they have a buffoon in charge.

The right doesn’t get that because they have a buffoon in charge.

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Ian McKellen, on Kevin Spacey being an assh*le for using his own sex scandal to come out of the closet:

“The circumstances in which he chose to do it are reprehensible because it linked alleged underage sex with a declaration of sexuality.”

Word.

I said it before, gay men don’t molest boys, pedophiles do, and the majority of pedophiles are straight men.

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Tom Goss, openly gay singers, has recorded “Gay Christmas”, inspired by his own decision to not go home for the holidays, about five people who ultimately but find their own family in each other:

“Too many of us have had to learn to accept less from our families when it comes to fully embracing us for who we are. It’s become even worse since the election, due to the sense of betrayal we felt when we learned how family and friends voted. Yet we are expected to be the ones to forgive, to ‘move on’ and pretend everything is okay, even as the current administration and GOP keep supporting anti-gay politicians and policies.”

Sometimes it’s not the family you’re born into, but the family you make.

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Bobservations

At our work Christmas party, a friend, “Maureen”, received a text from another co-worker, “Betty”. “Betty” was texting from across the room to see if “Maureen” would be interested in a three-way with “Betty” and her boyfriend “Clyde.” “Maureen” replied, ‘Ma’am, no thanks.’ and “Betty” replied that she’d been doing a lot of going down on women lately and was told she was very good.

“Maureen” again replied ‘Ma’am, no thank you.’

When “Maureen” told me, I said that “Carlos”—wait, I don’t need those quotes—Carlos and I wanted her for a three-way and she said, “Whaaaat?”

I replied, “Oh, not to be in it with us, we’ll get another guy for that, but you know, maybe you could bring us snacks and water to keep us hydrated and all.”

Carlos, when I told him, simply shook his head and said, “Why do you say these things?”

There is no answer for that.

Last week, White House Press Tool, Sarah Huckleberry Sanders, appeared on Fox’s The Ingraham Angle to respond to recent attacks against her—especially from MSNBC’S Mike Brzezinski—who say she lies every time her lips flap. And Huckleberry said:

“I think it’s sad they’re attacking a lot of us while claiming to champion women’s causes and women’s issues.”

Thus says the women who called those women who say ____ sexually harassed them ‘liars.’Then Huckleberry was asked if the Fat Bastard ever wanted her to say something that she was uncomfortable with:

“If there was ever a moment that I was uncomfortable doing something, I wouldn’t do it. That’s not part of who I am. And this president’s not going to ask me to do something I’m not comfortable with.”

There you have it, a woman, raising children of her own, is completely comfortable with calling victims of sexual harassment, assault and rape, ‘liars.’

There’s a special place in hell … 

My favorite actor, Daniel Day-Lewis’ last film is coming out and it’s called Phantom Thread. 

Am I the only one that thinks it’s a Star Wars movie?

Last year at the Oscars Brie Larson refused to applaud when ALLEGED sexual harasser Casey Affleck won; and Armie Hammer took the academy to task for nominating Affleck, but ignoring Nate Parker and his Birth of a Nation because he was acquitted of an ALLEGED rape.

This year, with the #MeToo movement building steam, many women at awards shows will be dressing in all black as a sign of solidarity.

Let the men know that the decades of harassment and assault are over.

Remember when folks commented on the Fat Bastard’s tiny hands and he was all kerfuffled and muttered something suggesting he has a large dick—when we all know he is a large dick?

Well, there’s the proof of the tiny hands … _____ using both of them to drink from a bottle of water.

Last Sunday we took Ozzo to Rectory Square Park to let him run wild, and naturally he peed on the fence just as we entered.

I said, "God, he's gotta leave his mark."

Carlos said, "He's just signing in so other dogs will know he was here."

Last week Matthew Petersen, a ______ judicial nominee, stunned America, and the world, when he could not answer ONE SINGLE QUESTION on the rule of law; and he did this right after admitting he had exactly zero relevant experience to become a federal judge.

This week Peterson withdrew his nomination because, well, stupid.

Oh Rosie, sometimes you are a tool …

Former talk show host Rosie O’Donnell proudly and openly attempted to bribe Republican Senators Tuesday night to change their vote on the GOP Tax Scam and that is a felony.

O’Donnell offered “2 million to any GOP senator who votes no” on the bill but not one Republicans took her up on her offer.

Not smart, Rosie, and even if it wasn’t a crime, do we want the richest Americans bribing our elected officials? I mean, isn’t that what corporations and lobbyists are for?

Seriously, though, it was a stupid thing to do, O’Donnell.

A little palate cleanser …

We watched a movie called Split in which James McAvoy played a man with 23 personalities, and one of those kidnapped three girls. McAvoy was brilliant at switching from one personality to another, often in a single line of dialogue. That said, he is also not heard on the eyes, at least in real life.

We also watch Good Behavior because it’s nice to see Downton Abby’s Lady Mary playing a drug addicted thief, but, well, also because the Latino men on the show are hot … and murderous … like Juan Riedinger, who played killer Teo and who … SPOILER ALERT …was killed his week.

He was hot while he lasted.

In other palate cleanser news … when baseball player Cole Hamels was traded from the Philadelphia Phillies to the Texas Rangers in 2015, he and his wife Heidi had been building a mansion near Branson, Missouri. But then Hamels decided to move to Texas full time so what to do with their $9.75 million house?

Well, instead of selling it, the Hamels’ donated it to a Branson-area non-profit organization called Camp Barnabas that offers day camp programs for kids with chronic illnesses and special needs, matching each camper with their own volunteer and offering scholarships so no kid is turned away. And to make sure they can accommodate every kid regardless of any kind of need, they have a full medical facility on staff with doctors and nurses. 

Hamels said:

“There are tons of amazing charities in Southwest Missouri. Out of all of these, Barnabas really pulled on our heartstrings. Seeing the faces, hearing the laughter, reading the stories of the kids they serve; there is truly nothing like it. Barnabas makes dreams come true, and we felt called to help them in a big way.”

The 32,000-square foot mansion sits on 100 acres, and is the largest gift in the history of the organization.

Nice going Hamels family, nice going.