The Funny Papers

David Horsey, Jack Ohman, Michael de Adder, Christine Sharp, Ted Littleford, RJ Matson, Bill Day, Mike Luckovich, Clay Bennett, Steve Sack, Tim Campbell, Deb Milbrath, Ed Hall, JD Crowe

Snarky Thoughts

Clearly it’s his ego that runs his life, because Tom Brady has finally decided to retire from football since he failed to take his team to the Super Bowl this year. I mean, his marriage ended because he refused to retire but he only quit the game after the game quit him first.

My Thought: A year too late, Tommy.

photo

Actress Eva Green has been left “humiliated” by the release of her private text messages she sent out while making the 2019 sci-fi thriller film ‘A Patriot.’ Though the film crashed and burned due to a lack of funding and a falling-out with financial backers, but some say Green’s WhatsApp messages are what really caused the death of the film. Still, to be fair Eva did text that the crew were “shitty peasants,” that a producer was “the devil,” the film’s director “weak and stupid,” and the entire project was a “Bull shit movie” and a “fucking nightmare” but she denies the rumor that she wanted the “chaotic” film to collapse so she would have a chance to seize control of it.

My Thought: Would she really trash every single aspect of the movie and then try to get it made herself? I mean, come on, think how badly the shitty peasants would treat her!

photo

It seems like Jolly Old London just became less jolly for everyone’s least favorite royal—which is saying something—Prince Andrew. A “royal insider”—and I think it’s Kate—says King Charles III has kicked his younger brother out of Buckingham Palace.

My Thought: Meh. Rumor has it that Randy Andy wasn’t even living or working at the Palace but was living at the Royal Lodge at Windsor with his ex-wife Sarah Ferguson.

photo

As we know, 64-year-old Thirst Queen Madonna is going on tour to celebrate her 40-year music career, but odd that it happens just as the Madonna-written, Madonna-directed, Madonna biopic, MADONNA! Was shelved by Universal Pictures. And all this after universal had spent more than $10 million on the film … most going to find a Thai Ladyboy to play Madge in her 60s.

My Thought: I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for another film studio to pick up the option, because they’d have to cough up millions to Universal to take this vanity thirst project off their hands.

photo

In case you’ve forgotten at one time Taylor Lautner was one of Taylor Swift‘s lengthy list of ex-lovers. And Taylor was with Taylor during that night back in 2009 at the MTV VMAs when Kanye West jumped onstage and basically told Swifty she’d never be Bey-Bey which leads us to Taylor, Lautner that is, saying he wishes he would have jumped onstage and … said something … to Kanye about being mean to poor Swifty.

My Thought: Taylor Lautner wants to revive his “career” after those vampire movies and what better way to do that than to rehash a fourteen-year-old story that very few people really cared about when it was current?

photo

I Didn't Say It

Ted Cruz, GOP asshat from Texas, along with South Carolina GOP wingnut Ralph Norman, today introduced an amendment to the Constitution that would limit Senators to two six-year terms and Representatives to three two-year terms:

“Term limits are critical to fixing what’s wrong with Washington, D.C. The Founding Fathers envisioned a government of citizen legislators who would serve for a few years and return home, not a government run by a small group of special interests and lifelong, permanently entrenched politicians who prey upon the brokenness of Washington to govern in a manner that is totally unaccountable to the American people. Terms limits brings about accountability that is long overdue and I urge my colleagues to advance this amendment along to the states so that it may be quickly ratified and become a constitutional amendment.”

Ted Cruz is currently running for his third six-year term so the hypocrisy is real.

Oh, because he says the new rule should only come into play after the date of the new amendment’s enactment.

Again, though, pandering, lying, POS hypocrite.

photo

Tucker Carlson, Fox News snowflake and racist, blames Tyre Nichols’ killing on Affirmative Action:

“The race riots of 2020 were never about George Floyd, obviously. That’s why there are no statues of him in American cities. They were about changing the country forever. The first step, of course, was defunding police departments across the country and forcing them to lower their standards to attract unqualified applicants: hiring officers based on skin color, rather than integrity or skill or self-control, all in the name of equity. Does that result in better policing? Well what happened in Memphis a few weeks ago is one indicator. At least two of the five officers that apparently beat Tyre Nichols to death were hired under lax diversity-driven standards. They were affirmative action hires. Yet instead of admitting that, and it’s true, the media are diverting attention from this fact by accusing these five officers, who are all Black, of somehow being white supremacists.”

Once again, Tucker is showing his dumbfuckery.

The riots after the murder of George Floyd weren’t “race” riots, there were protest by people of all colors and all ages and all genders who were, and still are sickened, by police officers around this country literally and figuratively, kneeling on the necks of People of Color.

PS Fucker? There are statues and busts of George Floyd in several cities around this country, so if you’re gonna speak on something learn the facts.

I kid. Fox News and Facts? Ain’t happening.

photo

Thing 45, on how he’d oversee Ukraine differently than Biden:

“Well, what I would do, is I would, we would, we have tremendous military capability and what we can do without planes, to be honest with you, without 44-year-old jets, what we can do is enormous and we should be doing it and we should be helping them to survive and they’re doing ana amazing job.”

Um could I get an extra side of ranch with the Illiterate Word Salad?

photo

Jim Jordan, the man accused of covering up a sexual abuse scandal, taking on the Tyre Nichol’s beating:

“Well, I don’t know that there’s any law that can stop that evil. What strikes me is just the lack of respect for human life. So, I don’t know that any law or any training or any reform is going to change. You know, this man is handcuffed; they continued to beat him. The fact that we saw that these five individuals did not have any respect for life. And again, I don’t think these five guys represent the vast, vast majority of law enforcement. But I don’t know that there’s anything you can stop the kind of evil we saw in that video. The federal government screws it up so many times. No amount of training is gonna change what we saw in that video.”

Yes, he said it: the federal government screws it up so many times.

We need police reform; we need instant firing of police officers abusing their power; we need arrests and trials and prison terms for those who literally beat Americans to death, because if we don’t t looks like we condone this behavior.

photo

Michael Elizabeth Pence, former Vice President, says he takes “full responsibility” for the classified documents found at his Indiana home.

“While I was not aware that those classified documents were in our personal residence, let me be clear: Those classified documents should not have been at my personal residence. Mistakes were made, and I take full responsibility.”

Pence also said Biden should take full responsibility—which he has—but Michael Elizabeth said nary a word about Thing 45;s theft of documents, lying about documents, hiding of documents.

Michael Elizabeth Pence is an asshat.

photo

Nikki Haley, saying Mike Pompeo is lying that she tried to oust Michael Elizabeth Pence from being Vice President so she could step in:

“I never had a conversation with Jared, Ivanka, or the president about the vice presidentship. What I will tell you is it’s really sad when you are having to go out there and put lies and gossip to sell a book. I don’t know why he said it, but that’s exactly why I stayed out of D.C. As much as possible to get away from the drama and get away from the gossip. I focused on my job, and that’s what I always did.”

Funny then, that Nikki has been a prominent guest at Jared and Ivanka’s dinner parties and at the home of Jared’s parents, as she tries to launch herself as a viable presidential candidate.

Nikki Haley is one of the worst, doing anything, saying anything, stepping over anyone, to get where she wants.

photo

Bobservations

Last week Carlos wasn’t feeling well, stuffy and sneezy and such. He thought he might have COVID so we got him a test. That night, as he readied to take the test he told me he didn’t think it was COVID because he still had his sense of smell.

“And I have taste, too.”

“Honey, you’re wearing crocs. You have no taste.”

He took the test; he was negative … for COVID and taste!

The GOP is so out of touch with what the People want; they ran on the border crisis, the fentanyl crisis, inflation, eggs,. Gas stoves and now all you hear is Hunter Biden. Vote Blue forever.

Prosecutors entered a Proud Boys handbook into evidence during one of the trials this week, and it outlines everything from the group’s ideology, communal initiation procedures, group songs and chants, to bizarre rules banning individual behavior including the wearing of fedoras … and masturbation.

“This is our religion. A Proud Boy may not ejaculate alone more often than once every thirty days […] if he needs to ejaculate it must be within one yard of a woman with her consent. The woman may not be a prostitute.”

The rule also denies an exception for cyber-sex with one’s wife and … Wait, forget about the rules on chicken joking, they have songs?? Are these just a bunch of radicalized showtune queens?

Embattled GOP Congressional Liar George Washington Carver Gershwin Santos told House Republicans that he will step down from his committee assignments because he’s a distraction.

Good first step, asshat, now step out of Congress.

I was walking past a farm the other day and a sign on the barn read, “Duck, eggs” and I thought that was an odd place for a comma.

Then it hit me.

I was feeling a little thought-provoking today, so here’s a question for y’all to answer.

The GOP-controlled House Oversight and Accountability Committee has disbanded the Subcommittee on Civil Rights and Civil Liberties, which focused on issues including voting rights, freedom of assembly and criminal justice reform policies.

That right there is the GOP agenda: voter suppression.

This is Stefano Marshall or Stefano Tomadini or Stefano Marshall Tomadini, I’m not sure which. But I know he loves running around nekkid and has purty blue eyes but, Would You Hit It?

Architecture Wednesday: Bay Area Midcentury

Okay, so it’s small, but it’s black; it’s small but has great outdoor spaces; it’s small—just two bedrooms and one bathroom in 1120 square feet—but it’s in the Bay Area, the East Bay, snuggled between Richmond and Oakland, In addition, the midcentury cutie is believed to have been designed by the notable modernist Paul Hammarberg, one of the Bay Area’s most successful midcentury-modern architects.

It's all on one level, all bright,  with an expansive living room filled with light from the wraparound windows. A gorgeous floor-to-ceiling cement  fireplace is centered between the vaulted, wood-beamed ceiling, and the recently remodeled kitchen has been meticulously designed with modern details.

The downside, for me, just one bathroom, shared between the two bedrooms and the guests; but it’s been updated and light and bright and maybe I could hire a maid to keep it special clean. The upside, the massive two-tiered deck and large natural backyard—little to no mowing. I’d be living outside on those cool Summer days and crisp Fall afternoons. And there might just be room for an addition of a primary suite with a private bath and then it’d be perfection.

Now, I need to scrape up $1.3M.

Dwell