It's Snarkurday!

Poor pitiful Billy Bush—who let a lunatic say vile things about women, including Bush’s own wife and daughters and all women everywhere—had hoped a recent Hollywood Reporter cover and interview, plus a GMA chat would jump-start his career ... it didn’t.

“He thought he was going to be welcomed back by the world ... and the only thing you learned ... is that Billy wants to be on TV. He felt that taking seven or eight months off, he’d slip his way back in, get some press and people would be beating down his door, and no one did.”

But those close to him—no doubt on his payroll—say Billy has already fielded a few offers, including one for a syndicated major show hitting this fall.

Um, yeah, I call bull shiz on that, because if any major show wanted Bush, he’d have jumped at the chance since, after eight months of being ‘away,’ most of the country, and the world, were like, ‘Billy who?’

Take a seat, Billy, we’ll call you when we need but don’t hold your breath.

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Gosh, when people who have a modicum of fame, but no real job, fight, it becomes news.

I’m looking at you, Brandi Glanville ... and your ex-husband, Eddie Cibrian and his current, though clearly not last, wife LeAnn Rimes.  These tools are still fighting and sniping, and now Brandi says that LeAnn has been stalking her and her boyfriend Donald Friese on social media because, that’s what all the kids ... and self-absorbed, unemployed grown-ups ... are doing, apparently.

And so Eddie released a statement saying LeAnn would never stalk someone on social media—though we all know she has—and then accused Brandi of being a drama-creating mess—and we all know that’s true:

“Brandi was very drunk and after already being at our table, started to come back again. Her boyfriend ‘ran interference’ and came to ask if she could take photos with the kids ... I was concerned about what pictures Brandi might post. We looked at their socials after we got home to make sure there was nothing of concern. That’s exactly how it all went down.”

Uh huh. Nice try, Eddie, but get a job, and a life, and a wife that has a job.

Then Brandi, whose ‘career’ was a short-lived stint on reality TV as a drunken mess, shot off her own statement, er, “proof” of the ALLEGED stalking ... a screen grab from Snapchat:

“[Eddie’s] statement does not explain why LeAnn and her assistant were both viewing my boyfriend’s Snapchats prior to our arrival at the restaurant. At the moment we saw them at Nobu we questioned the timing and saw they had viewed the Snapchats prior.”

Gosh, Brandi, set down the liquor and get a job. Be a parent to your children and not a child yourself.

Sheesh! All y’all grow the eff up.

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Last year, Reese Witherspoon was part of an Entertainment Weekly round-table for leading ladies and revealed that she started her own production company because she was sent an awful script for a romantic comedy and was offered the “girlfriend part”; she was told that several A-list women were chasing this terrible role and that’s when she knew she needed to start her own production company. She ended up by throwing shade at the actors in that film:

“And by the way, two Oscar winners did it.”

Rumor is that the film in question was A Million Ways to Die in the West and Charlize Theron was the Oscar winner who stooped to playing the “girlfriend.

Now, Reese has taken part in another roundtable—this time for The Hollywood Reporter—and dredged up that story again and then shaded someone else in a new blind item:

“I was talking to this very famous actor and I said, ‘How did you prepare for this role?’ He said, ‘Well, I went into the woods for three weeks and I didn’t talk to anybody.’ And this person has a lot of kids and is married. And he’s like, ‘You did the same thing for Wild, right?’ I was like, ‘Uh, no.’ If I went away for three weeks and no one could call me, everybody would’ve had a mental breakdown. I got on a plane and was shooting within 24 hours.”

People are saying this latest shade was at Leonardo DiCaprio, though Leo isn’t married or have kids. So ...maybe  Matthew McConaughey? He sounds like he’d play the method actor line as an excuse to get away from his wife and kids and play the Nude Bongos again.

But the big question is: who knew Reese could throw so much shade?

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So, to sell more music Katy Perry did what was billed as Katy Perry’s Witness Live Stream, where she live-streamed her life on YouTube for four solid days. One of the high points—low points—was when Katy rated three of her ex-lovers ... John Mayer—first place—Orlando Bloom—second place—and Diplo—dead last.

The Diplo Tryst was a one-off in between Mayer and Bloom and he had his own response to Katy via Twitter:

“I don't even remember having sex.”

Ow. So he’s her worst, and she’s the one he doesn’t remember.

Again ... ow.

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Poor Tom Cruise ... after the awful opening weekend of The Mummy many are saying he’s in a “slow motion career meltdown” and soon studios won’t even want to invest in trying to make another Cruise franchise happen because, for the first time, Tom Cruise is getting a big chunk of the blame for a film failure. 

Usually, everyone else involved with the film will fall on their swords to ‘save’ someone like Tommy, but not this time, and Variety has a deliciously dishy piece on how The Mummy’s failures are all on Tom ... like:

Cruise “had an excessive amount of control” over the reboot, set to be the start of a mega-franchise for Universal Pictures, but instead, it’s a textbook case of a spoiled movie star gone wild because Tommy exerted nearly complete creative oversight on the film ... down to the smallest details.

And Universal let it happen; they contractually guaranteed Cruise control of of the project, from script approval to post-production decisions, marketing and release strategy. And so, with terrible reviews, The Mummy, which cost as much as $190 million to make and a $100 million more to market, will struggle to make its money back.

And part of the problem is that Cruise selected Alex Kurtzman, a relatively untested director with no experience directing a big-budget action film, and then Cruise acted as though he was the director while Kurtzman “struggled to adjust to scope of the project.” Cruise also brought in two of his friends—Christopher McQuarrie and Dylan Kussman—to rewrite his part into that Standard Tom Cruise Hero Role; and people say this bulked up Tom’s part, and his ego, while diminishing the roles of others in the film. He also hired his favorite editor and then “spent time in the editing suite overseeing the cutting’ to make sure he looked good. People speculate that it was less about making a good film than it was about making Cruise look good.

And while there are some who say that Cruise was doing whatever he could to save a movie that was doomed from the start, most people on the film are saying the mess is all Tom Cruise’s fault ... because his ego is out oif control and he’s desperate to create another movie franchise so he can bank millions and still give millions to Scientology.

Poor Tom, if only he’d unwrapped L. Ron Hubbard and brought him to the premiere the film might have done better ... or, maybe he should have asked Brendan Fraser, star of the 1990s The Mummy to come along, because all of Fraser’s Mummy movies made more than this mess.

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If you ever thought that Poor Chris Brown gets a raw deal in the press for being an abusive, ego-maniacal man-boy with a bad temper, think on this:

Earlier this year, his ex-girlfriend Karrueche Tran got a temporary restraining order after Chris ALLEGEDLY threatened to kill her.

And now, Karrueche was back in court telling the judge that things got bad after she and Chris broke up. He wanted her to return several rings he gave her and when she refused, he  threatened her in a text messages, ALLEGEDLY beat her and then wrote “Imma kill blood” under a photo of her and Michael B. Jordan.

Chris didn’t show up in court, but tried to phone in until the judge denied him. Then the judge sided with Karrueche and gave her a permanent restraining order valid for the next five years.

Five.Years. No judge does that just because of a bad breakup. Chris Brown is a menace.

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I remember when Halle Berry won the Oscar for Monster’s Ball and then followed that up with Gothika. Huge comedown from Oscar winner to Awful Film Choices.

And I remember when Charlize Theron won the Oscar for Monster and then followed that up with Aeon Flux. Huge comedown from Oscar winner to Awful Film Choices.

But that’s not all Charlize and Halle have in common anymore ... at least not now that Charlize is dating Halle’s ex, and one of her Baby Daddy’s, Gabriel Aubry.

A source says Nahla, Gabriel’s daughter with Halle, and Charlize’s son Jackson go to the same private school and so they see each other in the pick-up lane after school.

And now, rather than wave hello in the carpool line, they wave goodbye after breakfast.

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Leonardo DiCaprio was forced to surrender an Oscar originally won by Marlon Brando to the U.S. government because it was given to him by an ALLEGEDLY dirty movie production company now in the feds’ crosshairs. The Department of Justice is also looking to seize the rights Dumb and Dumber Too and Daddy’s Home, as well as a trove of valuable art and movie memorabilia belonging to Red Granite Pictures.

The feds say money that was ALLEGEDLY stolen by corrupt Malaysian officials was funneled through Red Granite and used to finance films.The department filed a civil suit last year demanding all profits from DiCaprio’s 2013 film The Wolf of Wall Street claiming it was financed with laundered loot.

Red Granite gave Leo the Oscar Brando won as a thank-you for his work on the film and he has now passed it along to the government.

I wonder what will happen when the National park Service comes for his The Revenant Oscar?

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So, Scott Disick used to be married to a Kardastrophe ... I don’t know which one and, well, I don’t care ... and that. marriage ended because he was ALLEGEDLY a drunken adulterous mess. Now that he’s single, he’s given up the adultery but stayed with the drunkenness.

At some point Scott Disick and some actress called Bella Thorne hooked up and then went to the Cannes Film Festival to pose in front of photographers. And then ... as soon as it started it was over because Bella couldn’t stand Drunk Disick and said as much in an interview:

“Scott is really nice, sweet, charming. I don’t drink, and he really drinks a lot. And it just ended up … I just wasn’t down ... I love to go out and have fun, I love to fucking dance, but I just don’t party hardcore like that and it was way too much for me. I was like, ‘Woah, this is not the way I live my life, bruh.’”

I’m’a let the ‘bruh’ lie there—although it’s another on my Do Not Say List—and simply end with this:

Bella? Had you watched just one episode of that Kraptastic Kardastrophe show you’d have known what a drunk Disick could be and you never would have gotten on a plane, or, ew, in a bed with him.

Just sayin’.

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Finally, some sweet news ...

The Bat-Signal shone over Los Angeles City Hall this past Thursday night in tribute to the late Adam West—the campy TV Batman from the 60s—who passed away last week at the age of 88.

In Batman comics, movies and TV shows, the Bat-Signal was shown on the night sky as a call for Batman’s help.

Batman is often referred to as the Dark Knight, but West’s children said in a statement that Adam West aspired to positivity and always saw himself as “The Bright Knight.”

RIP Adam "Batman" West.

Bam! Pow!

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