It's Snarkurday!

Well, it’s been about five years since Katie Holmes tied the sheets together, slithered down a wall, outran the hounds, jumped the fence and hitchhiked to New York to get out of being married to Tom Cruise so what time is it?

Time for Tommy to take a bride, y’all! And rumor has it that Tommy has auditioned the perfect beard candidate who will sign that ten year contract for fortune and fame and Scientology.

And she is .... drum roll ... British actress Vanessa Kirby. Vanessa is twenty-eight, loves long walks in the woods, nights in front of the fire sipping wine, and marrying a diminutive lunatic. She is also, and no surprise here, a costar of Little Tom’s in Mission: Impossible 6.

A source, and you know it ain’t Leah Remini, says:

“He wants to make her the next Mrs. Tom Cruise. They had instant chemistry, and of course she got the role. He’s blown her away with his endless charm and energy. He thinks she’s perfect to be his next wife. His role as a husband and father is of the utmost importance to him. He can’t wait to be a family man all over again.”

Instant chemistry arrived after Kirby was given a crash course in all the things one needs to do to be Missus Tommy Cruise: never be taller than Tom; never be better at acting than Tom; be a slave to every single wish of Tom’s.

And maybe this time will be “The One,” unlike Mimi and Nicole and Kate. Or, maybe in five years we’ll be reading about another Scientology wife escaping from Cruise Compound.

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Empire used to be good TV until they ran out of stories to tell and just began recycling old stories into new episodes; and that happened in season one so you can tell how far it’s fallen. So, how are they gonna get people to watch? Make up a catfight between two female stars of the show, Taraji P. Henson and Nia Long.

There are all kinds of rumors about how Nia and Taraji hated each other on the show; Nia came on as one of Lucious—Terrence Howard—Lyon’s exes and she and Cookie—Taraji—go to battle. So, naturally the two women had to hate on each other in real life, too. In fact, folks are saying the two were so evil with one another that the show almost had to pull a Good Wife and so the directors had Taraji and Nia film separately and then splice their scenes together in editing.

Sources say Taraji didn’t like the way Nia treated the crew, which may be true because, ALLEGEDLY, the makeup and hair people filed a complaint against Nia saying she screamed at them when she didn’t like the way they did her up.

But then sources also claim Nia was a raging diva bitch, too; there was an incident involving a Make-A-Wish kid, whose wish was to visit the set, and once Nia was done shooting, and gone for the day, the crew prepared her trailer for the girl. Nia showed back up and went Joan Crawford on the crew for using her trailer for the Make-a-Wish girl.

Sources also say Nia was always late, making Taraji and Terrence wait but, on the last day of shooting, it went off ... on the guest star’s last day, the Assistant Director usually calls it a wrap for that actor and asks everyone to clap for them. The A.D. didn’t do that for Nia, she lost it and threatened to sue after claiming the “goodbye” was in her contract.

Seriously? You need a contract to make people say “goodbye”?

Gurl, bye. Cuz you won’t be back.

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Oh Gwyneth, stop talking, please.

Paltrow’s newest thing is calamari. Apparently GOOP and her minions were having a conversation about LA restaurants when someone recommended the BBQ octopus at a place in Silver Lake. GOOP chimed in that she will no longer eat octopus being, ahem, they’re way too smart for humans to eat, and we know this to be true, because Paltrow Instagrammed the conversation:

“Octopus are too smart to be food. They have more neurons in their brains than we do. I had to stop eating them because I was so freaked out by it. They can escape from sea world ... by unscrewing drains and going out to sea.”

So, Gwyneth won’t eat anything smarter than her? I guess that rules out everything ... except maybe dirt.

Cuz she’s dumb as dirt.

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Looks like A-Hole—that’s the name I’ve given to the Couple Of The Minute, A-Rod and JLo—might really be serious, because A-Rod’s sister just called JLo her sister-in-law on Instagram.

Here’s how this will run down ... A-Hole will marry before Easter, announce a pregnancy ion Father’s Day, he’ll be caught cheating on July 4th, they’ll separate by Labor Day, and divorce just before Halloween so JLo can get back together with former Boy-Toy Casper Smart and take him Trick-or-Treating.,

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That Woman is not having it was Rob—why isn’t his name Krob?—Kardastrophe’s Baby Mama, Chyna.

Since Chyna and Rob are so done, That Woman has lined up a custody battle for the next season of their Krap Show. Chyna ALLEGEDLY doesn’t want dual custody with Krob so That Woman and her coven of daughters are ready to do battle.

And not for Krob’s sake, you know; I mean that whole family turned their backs on him when he began battling depression and gained weight, cuz,. You know, that ain’t good for the cameras unless the depression is because your husband is a douche or the weight gain is in your ass.

But they know how their bread gets buttered: drama. And what better drama then a televised custody case for next season, with That Woman showing up in court a la Alexia Carrington in that season of Dynasty?

Seriously; if it gets ratings it’s worth it. Never mind about the kid.

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So, last in December Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott were slapped with a lawsuit from City National Bank over an unpaid loan, and now that lawsuit is coming back to haunt The TooRichToPayOurBills’s.

City National loaned Tori and Dean $400,000 back in 2012, and they only paid back about half, though Tori also owes some $17,000 in overdrawn funds, and now City National is tired of waiting and they are demanding their coins. They have issued a default judgment against Tori and Dean for $188,000 and also want the $17,000 to cover their overdrawn account. If the judgment is granted, then the bank can collect and where will they go first?

Mama Candy’s dee-luxe apartment in the sky-y-y-y-y ... cuz that’s where Tori and Dean always turn when they screw the folks they owe.

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Cat Deeley needs to watch herself. I mean, she’s the host of a dance competition show, not Meryl Fucking Streep ... or even Reese Don’t You Know Who I am Witherspoon!

Deeley and friends ate dinner at a fancy LA restaurant, TOMGEORGE,  and she hated it so much she instantly took to Twitter to kvetch:

“The worst featuring! Worst food! As for the manager?????? Moron!!!!!”

And she wasn’t done:

“The most disgusting restaurant , terribly run , by a manager - who can only be described as an amateur. Avoid at all costs. #tomgeorge”

And when Cat was asked to explain why it was so awful, she didn’t. She just kept dragging the same old story:

“Terrible food. Disaster”

“Absolutely awful! Worst restaurant in LA.”

Finally,  someone named J. Vasko-Bezenek—who says he was Deeley’s server that night—stepped forward to clap back at Cat:

“@catdeeley Cat, as your server at TomGeorge I am hurt by your response to free food. I gave you respect, and I served you with love.”

It appears Cat and her party ordered $200 worth of fancy burgers and fries—with lettuce on the side ... what?—then complained until they were given a discount of $123; and the Cat tipped the server nothing. Zip, zilch, nada, bupkis!

Cat then released a slew of excuses ...

“And as I respectfully told you, the catalogue of errors were not your fault . However the mistakes were repeatedly not correctly rectified. The food was terrible and your manager was unhelpful and rude. Respect and love should be shown to all, attention to detail is necessary too! Just to be clear. Our order arrived at the table incorrectly FIVE times! Then one of my guests dishes was inedible. There was zero service.”

Um, Cat, honey? If it was so bad, you get up and leave; you don’t run the server ragged and then give him nothing.

And you don’t dish a restaurant by saying it’s bad; we want gory details. I mean, was it iceberg lettuce that they brought you to nibble on and not those fancy micro greens you normally graze through during a meal?

Give us details; or, better yet, stay home ... and pipe down.

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