It's Snarkurday!

Little Tommy Cruise has stomped his platform shoes and halted production on the sixth … or sixtieth … Mission Impossible film until he gets more coins.

I guess custom shoes with two-inch lifts are expensive.

Cruise has a back-end deal … and I let y’all do the double entendre on that one … with the folks producing MI 60 but will not begin work until they agree to meet and exceed the back-end deal … seriously the jokes could write themselves … he got for being Brendon Fraser in The Mummy reboot.

The Mummy reboot of a reboot is part of Universal’s upcoming plan to remake, reboot, release all of their old monsters … Frankenstein, Dracula, The Creature from the Black Lagoon … Lindsay Lohan. Universal thinks that this new franchise is going to make them buttloads of money so they’re giving buttloads … again with the jokes … to Tommy.

And once Tommy gets a buttload, he wants one from everyone else but he best be careful … if Universal replaced Fraser with Cruise for The Mummy, maybe Paramount will head down to the Chipotle on La Cienega and tell Brendan Fraser to turn in his apron, the movies are calling … again.

Lindsay Lohan, who can only get work as a drunken cracktress on a yacht these days, has been asked to appear on Russian television to discuss her break-up with Egor Tarabasov.

Huh. Russian TV? Was Wendy Williams unavailable for the chat?

I digress because here’s where it gets funny … Lohan apparently thinks she's a humongous movie star and so she asked for all kinds of shiz before she would agree to go on Russian TV and talk about how Egor was caught with a Russian hooker after having dinner with his American hooker.

Still, the Russian talk show Pust govoryat — airing on a state-owned station — wants Lohan and so she sent a ransom letter, er, list of demands …

She  wants 500,000 Pounds — at first I thought it was “in drugs” and then I realized it was British pounds, equal to $660,000 American dollars — and also wants a private jet to travel back and forth with hair, makeup and manicurist onboard, her own security team, a one year Russian visa with extension and she wants to meet President Vladimir Putin for selfies.

Puta? Meet Putin!

Russia is countering with a rented Fiat, a prepaid gas card, a Maybelline gift bag, a Disneyland Visa, and a photo op with Yakoff Smirnoff.

Does the ‘D’ in DMX stand for ‘Duggar’ because rapper DMX has just revealed that he has become a papa for the fifteenth time after his girlfriend Desiree Lindstrom gave birth to his latest and her first.

DMX made 4 kids with ex-wife Tashera Simmons so that’s five kids with two women and then ten kids with a number of others.

But don’t worry about DMX going broke paying for all those kids; he doesn’t, apparently. Last year, he was arrested twice for not paying child support to Tashera and some other Baby Mama. In 2015 he spent six months in the jail for non-payment of child support.

Huh; maybe the ‘D’ in DMX stands for ‘Deadbeat Dad.’

Or maybe ‘Douchebag,’ because DMX says he picks his Baby Mamas “just like a dog. I sniff the ass, I wag my tail.”

DuggaryDeadbeatDadDouchebagMX.

When we last left the two bald-headed loudmouths, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and Vin Diesel, they were still feuding.

The Rock took to Instagram to thank everyone he worked with on Fast and Furious 852 … except for  Vin Diesel ... Ouch ... That’s sooooo Mean Girls ... while Vin had vowed to expose The Rock.

Now, Vin has walked that threat back and took to Facebook to whisper sweet nothings about Johnson:

“The reason we brought Dwayne Johnson into Fast 5 was because of you! There was a girl named Jan Kelly who said, ‘I would love to see you guys work together on screen.’ So the role that was initially written for Tommy Lee Jones, we gave it to Dwayne, and he shined in it.”

Really? Tommy Lee Jones? Somewhere in the Appalachian Mountains, Jones is loading buckshot into a rifle, sipping a Budweiser and saying,

“The fuck you did.”

Melania is all [t]Rump, apparently, because she is now threatening to sue people who say mean things about her.

Plagiarism. College drop-out. Illegal immigrant. It’s cool, I have my lawyer on speed-dial. And Melania doesn’t care about those stories because she’s rich, er, married to a rich man, er, married to a man who says he’s rich.

But, listen up, do not ever imply that Melania was once a high-class hooker … think Lohan with a higher price-tag.

The Daily Mail recently repeated a story about the New York modeling agency that Melania was signed to in the 1990s, run by Paolo Zampolli. It was ALLEGEDLY a modeling agency but rumor has it that the “models” made most of their money working as escorts.

So, when Zampolli brought Melania over from her first and last year in college was she modeling nude … or just ‘dating’ nude?

Melania’s attorney, Charles Harder — yes, that is his name ... is his firm called Harder, Harder, HARDER ? — is threatening to go after the  Daily Mail for their ALLEGATIONS.

Again … I have a lawyer on speed dial …

Conrad Hilton walked out of jail just two weeks ago, and now he’s in another messy situation.

Connie is being sued by a woman who says he crashed his father’s Range Rover head-first into her car and was all kinds of drunk—and covered in vomit—when he got out to survey the damages.

Kelly Auld, the woman suing Connie, says that it was just a few hours after a judge slapped Hilton’s wrists for one of his many other crimes, that he had been out drinking and driving and crashing into her car.

Kelly says she saw Hilton swerving like a fool in the Range Rover and says she saw that he was looking ‘dazed and confuses’ and had both hands above his head before he hit one car and then drove right into her, and witnesses say Connie got out of the car, tossed a bong into the bushes and was covered in vomit.

The Range Roger Connie wrecked was registered to Hilton & Hyland, his daddy’s real estate company because, as Kelly discovered, Conrad Hilton was court-ordered not to drive.

I think Connie is trying to out-do big sister Paris … remember how much havoc she caused acting the drunken rich bitch fool?

Oh Amber and Johnny, I thought everything was settled and we’d stop hearing from you … I was wrong. A week ago, Amber Heard announced that she would be donating all $7 million of her divorce settlement to charity. She said she would split the money between the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles and the ACLU. And since her announcement seemed to make it clear that she was not a golddigger, Johnny Depp had to do something …

Depp began by praising Amber for donating his, er, her  money to charity and was, in fact, so moved, that he will not be giving any money to Amber but will cut the charity checks himself.

Except … while Johnny did send checks to the ACLU and Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles — they’re to get $3.5 million each—in Amber’s name, he didn’t send all of it; Johnny’s going on the installment plan.

Depp’s rep says:

“Following Amber Heard’s announcement that her divorce settlement was to be divided equally and gifted to Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles and the American Civil Liberties Union, two exceptionally deserving and important charities, Johnny Depp has sent the first of multiple installments of those monies to each charity in the name of Amber Heard, which when completed will honor the full amount of Ms. Heard’s pledge. Ms. Heard’s generosity in giving to these wonderful causes is deeply respected.” Everybody happy now?"

Um, no … because  Depp was supposed to pay Amber $7 million so she could donate it to whichever organization she chose and he’s not giving it all away at once as was, ALLEGEDLY, Amber’s plan, so her lawyers are looking to go back to court again with Johnny.

This thing ain’t never gonna end.

I do love Amy Schumer because she doesn’t care who she offends … even if it’s Anna “Nuclear” Wintour.

Last Spring Amy got all dolled up and headed off to the Met Gala, and is now saying that it was torture! She appeared on Howard Stern’s SiriusXM show to promote her new book and told Stern that she’s an introvert at heart. She likes hanging out with a small group of friends and hates being around famous folks, and when Howard mentioned her appearance at the Met Gala Amy spoke of the painful event.

“I left, not the second I could; I left earlier than I should have been allowed. I got to meet Beyoncé, and she was like, ‘Is this your first Met Gala?’ and I was like, ‘It’s my last.’ I should be grateful I was invited or something, but it felt like a punishment. It’s not me. We’re dressed up like a bunch of fucking assholes and I have no interest in fashion. I like the idea of coming up with a way to dress that’s more comfortable, that looks cool, that sounds good to me. But other than that, I don’t care.”

It’s funny, though, because mere seconds before Amy told Stern the story of it being her last Met Gala, Anna Wintour was scratching Amy’s name off every guest list in New York.