It's Snarkurday!

Perhaps it’s because Lohan was all over the news last week bringing the crazy back, so this week Paris Hilton has crawled from the ooze to suggest that she lives in fear of being attacked by … wait for it … ISIS.

“I’m constantly moving around from one country to another and I’m a famous person who could be a definite target for an attack and that is something that sometimes terrifies me.”

Um, honey, most of the attacks are in cities, like Paris … a city in France … not Paris, as in a dim-bulb socialite with too much time on her hands and an inflated sense of self.

Sit down, Paris Hilton, because you’re an idiot.

Since the demise of Prince some members of his “family” have come crawling out of the woodwork to request their fair share on Purple Rainchecks.

See what I did there?

Over 30 people have laid claim to his reportedly $250 million estate but the judge in the case, Judge Kevin Eide, sent most of them back home to their mother’s basements to await another celebrity death and another shot at being in the will. The judge also ordered six money grubbers to undergo genetic testing to prove that they’re blood relatives of Prince, or at least human, while two women, Brianna and Victoria Nelson, who claim to be his niece and grand-niece, will get a swab in the mouth soon enough.

Five claims were thrown out because those folks say they were adopted, thereby “severing any relationship to Prince even if he had been their biological father,” and because they lacked “crucial documentary proof.”

Look, you can’t just call yourself some indecipherable symbol and expect a boatload of coins to be dropped off at your shanty. Okay?

Jean-Claude Van Damme is back and he still thinks he’s a star.

JCVD is doing a speaking tour — insert accent joke here — in Australia next month and gave several satellite interviews from Bangkok to promote it.  But things got testy because most reporters didn’t know who he was, why he was talking, who would listen to him and, again, who he was. So JCVD pulled a Naomi Campbell … he dropped a few F-bombs, removed his mike and stomped out of the interviews.

“What the fuck is going on with Australia? What the fuck is going on? I cannot do this, I’m too natural, you can blow this stuff away. What is this.”

Maybe he did it for the drama, or maybe he didn’t want to be late to his dinner shift at the Bangkok Chipotle.

Britney Spears has auto-tuned some new music and was out promoting on Australia’s Kyle & Jackie O radio show where she played a game called "Who Would You Rather?" The hosts asked if she’d rather sit next to Katy Perry or Taylor Swift on a 24-hour flight, and BritBrit says she never met TayTay:

“I don’t know! I don’t know, that’s hard. They’re both so cool, I don’t know. I’ve briefly met Katy Perry at the Smurfs movie premiere. Maybe because I’ve met Katy Perry I would say Taylor Swift, because I’ve never met her before.”

Except she has; now, either she’s going all Mimi v JLo and throwing all kinds of shade, or all the meds she takes have erased her memory because there are scads of pictures of BritBritTayTay together at the 2008 MTV VMAs.

To be fair, Britney was riding the Crazy Train in ’08 so she probably thought Swifty was a blow-up-live-action-figure-doll and so she only talked with her for an hour or so.

And Taylor probably thought Britney was one of her back-up dancers.

Speaking of crazy … during a recent interview Kanye West confessed he’d like add “furniture designer” to his list of, um, talents. In fact, he even went so far as to contact IKEA and asked if he could create “a minimalist apartment inside a college dorm.”

He even made the pilgrimage IKEA HQ in Sweden and then Twatted out his need to create build-it-your-self desks and chairs, but, sadly, or not, IKEA wasn’t feeling it:

“Although we are really flattered by Kanye West’s high interest in IKEA and the speculation around a joint venture, we have no plans to collaborate at this point in time.”

Perhaps it was Kanye’s suggestion that the company change its name to IKANYE?

And … can you imagine an IKANYE Kollection? I mean the man charges hundreds of dollars for a white tee-shirt — who does he think he is … Paltrow? — and so one of his chairs would run into the high six figures, and the instructions would be an indecipherable multi-page rant.

So, it’s long been rumored that the Cult of Scientology [C0$] auditions women to be Tom Cruise’s girlfriend … well, at least after Nicole Kidman.

I mean, Katie Holmes got the part and held it for five years until she was able to gather together enough strands of her own hair and weave it into a rope she could use to scale the fences at the Cruise Compound and run off into the night.

Now, it’s actress-voice-over-artist-comedian, Cathy Schenkelberg who claims she auditioned to be Tommy’s Girl — though she didn’t know it at the time — and when she was asked about the diminutive “star” she called him a “narcissistic baby,” said she “hated him, even before she joined Scientology,” and claims to have been heartbroken when he dumped Nicole Kidman.

And it was that smacktalk of Tommy that lead to Cathy’s departure from Co$ in 2009 after 14 years in the cult and millions of dollars given to the cult for her, um, training. She was forced to undergo auditioning to find out why she hated Tommy and that cost her millions and forced her into bankruptcy.

It’s only now that she’s clawed her way back and has decided to spill the Tea in a one-woman Scientology tell-all show called “Squeeze My Cans.”

I wonder if Tommy will bring his new “girlfriend” to the show?

SIDENOTE: Cathy, honey? I’m no Scientologist, but even I know you don’t diss the Money Machine to the Head honchos, m’kay?

Okay, so we all know Justin Bieber travels with an entourage ... to carry him over puddles and find buckets for him to pee in, and so on, but last week he had a dentist appointment and brought along six bodyguards with him because he was scared.

Look, I hate the dentist, too, but what are the bodyguards there to do? Hold his hand and apply cold compresses to his forehead while his teeth are prodded and scraped?

Seriously, man up little boy.

It’s been a while since Gwen Stefani last wept about her divorce from Gavin Rossdale while crowing about her new Insta-Love Blake Shelton, so it’s about time, no?

Gwen is once again talking about her “relationship” with Shelton, only now she’s kind of admitting that NBC may have played up their flirting on The Voice for ratings.

You.Don’t.Say.

Look, when Taylor Swift wants the paparazzi to follow her., she sends out the Flying Monkeys to alert the media … like when she and her I-Wanna-Be-The-Next-Bond-So-I’m-Dating-This-Nitwit boyfriend, Tom Hiddleston, are out on a “date” and smiling and giggling and holding hands and looking like a couple in Celebrity love.

But, when Hiddleston is gone and TayTay has nothing to promote — like a fake relationship — this is what she does:

While leaving a gym in LA recently, and having called the paparazzi to alert them as to where she was and when she’d be leaving, Swifty exited the back door of the gym and walked to her car backwards so the photographers couldn’t get her face in a photo.

Or, maybe she knew that if she just walked out the door like a normal person she wouldn’t get any attent ….

Just when you thought it’d be a Lohan Free Snarkurday …

Last week the Cracktress claimed to be pregnant by her on-the-way-out-the-door-from-crazy ex- fiancé Egor Tarabasov, and her dad, Michael Lohan, who hoped to get a check from a rag magazine by spilling the Tea on a Lohan spawn, confirmed the rumors.

Except … Lindsay’s partying, and drinking up a storm on a yacht, and so her mother, Dina, pulled her head out of a gallon jug of Jose Cuervo to say that Lindsay is definitely not pregnant, and that the distended belly seen in photos of Lohan on the yacht are just Drunk Girl Tummy.

Dina says Lindsay made up the lie to get revenge on Egor for ALLEGEDLY hooking up with a Russian hooker, but, by “revenge” Dina means “big paycheck” because Lindsay was hoping Egor would send some coins her way.

You know, so she could buy more booze and ciggies for her yacht party.