Saturday, August 13, 2016

It's Snarkurday!

So … Lindsay Lohan and Egor Tarabasov: The Drama Continues.

On one hand, Lindsay says they’re over, and on the other hand, the one holding the bottle of “water,” she says she loves him. But that didn’t stop her from running to the press the stories of abuse she took at the hands of Egor.

Lohan says the first assault took place when they were vacationing in Mykonos for her 30th birthday; thirty? Bitch looks sixty if she looks a day. Anyway … the trip turned violent when Lindsay grabbed Egor’s phone, looked through it and then tossed it into the sea. At that point, Egor broke Lohan Commandment #1 — Thou Shalt Not Waste Alcohol — by pouring a drink on her head.

Then came Assault Two: last month, when Egor and Lindsay returned to London — wasn’t she supposed to be removed after the Brexit vote — she again accused him of assaulting her and trying to kill her … after unleashing a social media hissy fit recounting every sordid detail of their night out and his tryst with a Russian hooker — as opposed to his tryst with an American Hooker In London.

Lohan contacted the Daily Mail to sell, er, tell, her story and she plays it like this:

The Mykonos assault: 
“Egor drank too much and he went crazy.”
Pot.Kettle. … ooh Ketel One!

The London assault: 
Egor and I had been out for dinner. We danced, it was fun. When we got home I went to bed and Egor went out. A few hours later he came back and when I woke up he was standing over me. He wasn’t himself, he was being very aggressive and he attacked me.”
Huh? Is that what really happened, Lindsay, because that’s not at all how you said it played out — in real time —all over Twitter and Snapchat and Instagram.

Take a seat Lohan and scroll back through your social media web of lies and then try to get your facts straight before you sell, er, tell … I kid, it’s ‘sell’ … your story to the press.

Last week, Orlando Bloom went paddle-boarding while vacationing with professional girlfriend Katy Perry.

Katy kept her clothes on … thank goddess … but Orlando decided to let Little Orlando out for some air and paddle-boarded in the nude because that’s what you do; oh, then he scaled some rocks in the nude, walked the beach in the nude, and grabbed his nude junk.

Remember back in the day when Paris, Britney and Lindsay all tried to outdo each other by being photographed getting out of cars or onto yachts spread eagle with no drawers on their ladybits? Well, I guess the Boys Showing Their Junk is the new Starlets Not Wearing Underwear;

See, after Orlando showed off his short-comings, Justin Bieber — who is the Lohan to Bloom’s Paris Hilton — decided to drop his Pampers for the paparazzi while he was on the beach.

But this was more than just a Dick-Off; this was Justin going after Orlando again because, if you recall, there were rumors that Bieber and Mrs. Orlando Bloom, Miranda Kerr, did the nasty; and then Orlando went after  Bieber’s ex, Selena Gomez, and they, too, did the nasty.

Now Bieber and Bloom are giving us all their nasty and no one, no one, asked for it.

Usually the snark is filled with Cat Fights between two starlets or wannabe starlets but this week’s cat fight is between … The Rock, Dwayne Johnson, and The Diesel, er, Vin Diesel.

One day, The Rock, after filming the Fast & Furious 67, said how much he loved working on the film and loved every second with his female costars. But then he talked about his “candy ass” male costars:
“Some conduct themselves as stand up men and true professionals, while others don’t. The ones that don’t are too chicken sh-t to do anything about it anyway. Candy asses.” 
At first people thought he was dissing Scott Eastwood, because Scott does come off a little candy ass frat boy but, no, Scott was not the candy ass in question. And The Rock’s comments did not go over too well on-set, and everyone was “getting hounded by people who want to know who Rock was putting on blast.” Some said Johnson was “out of line to talk crap” even though there have been “conflicts” on-set due to “extreme egos” among the “top actors.” 

Top actors? Now that’s funny. But what’s funnier is that Johnson was calling candy ass on Vin Diesel because, shortly after The Rock ranted, Vin cried, and the two men were called to the principal’s office, er, movie set, to hash things out.

The Rock claims that Diesel — though he won’t say his name—was not a stand-up guy and was too “chicken s***” to confront him, but maybe it’s because Vin Diesel, a producer in this 132nd sequel to the franchise, made decisions that didn’t sit well with the former wrestling champ.

Seriously, these two fools should Bieber-Bloom the situation and see who really is the bigger man and then sit down. And stop with the Fast and the Furious movies; seriously. It’s enough.

Oh Amber and Johnny. You two former lovebirds now loathe each other and want to be rid of one another — she says he’s a druggie and a drunkard and he claims she’s a cheating lesbian gold-digger — and yet they continue to let their battles rage.

Amber was supposed to be deposed by Johnny Depp’s lawyers last weekend, but it never happened. And the story goes that Amber sat and waited in a hallway for 10 hours as the lawyers tried to work out a settlement to avoid going to trial.  And that didn’t happen either because Amber’s lawyers say she was ready to answer questions but Johnny’s lawyers never called her.

But Johnny’s lawyers are, of course, calling B.S. on Amber’s version; they say Amber Heard is the reason Amber Heard’s deposition didn’t happen because, when she was asked to go into the conference room to begin the deposition she refused; she was asked again at 5:30 — three hours later — and again she said, “Not gonna happen.”  Depp’s team says Amber sat outside and yelled and screamed like a lunatic who wants her coins but wouldn’t talk about anything.

Seriously. The marriage is over; you two fools keep dragging one another through the mud — though, looking at Johnny he always appears dragged through the mud — why not just cut the cord. Or, perhaps the attention is what you’re selling since one of you doesn’t really have a career and the other’s career seems to be flailing.

There should be a class in why one should never appear on a reality show, and why one should never get involved with a Kardastrophe.

Last year, the untalented one in the Kardastrophe Klan — I kid …. “one” — Kylie Jenner’s “rapper” boyfriend Tyga ALLEGEDLY bought her a very expensive car for her birthday; it turned out he just tried to give her his ex-girlfriend’s car. So, this year Tyga tried the new car trick again and it ended up with the LAPD issuing a bench warrant for Tyga’s immediate arrest.

The warrant was issued after Tyga failed to show up to court today in the case where he stiffed a landlord on his rent and then claimed he was broke; trouble was, he went all over social media and “reality” TV giving Kylie a $190,000 car for her birthday.  Not bad for a broke dude who owes his landlord half a million in unpaid rent.

I cannot wait for the Very Special Episode of Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes when Kylie’s car get repo’d.

You don’t think of Coldplay as drama, you think of Coldplay as elevator music. But maybe that’s not quite right …

Coldplay played a show at The Stephen Talkhouse in the Hamptons last weekend and the place was filled with regulars who won a contest to hear Coldplay — this is what they got for winning? — and famous media whores like Swifty Bestie, Karlie Kloss, the unconsciously uncoupled Goopy Paltrow, Sarah Jessica Parker, Beyoncé, Jay-Z, Christie Brinkley, Jimmy Buffet, Harvey Weinstein, Calvin Klein, Jon Bon Jovi and “reality show star” Bethenny Frankel.

Maybe Bethenny thought she was filming an episode of RHoNY and was set to catfight Ramona or Luann or Jules or Dorinda or … or … because she ALLEGEDLY caused a scene by throwing a cocktail at some girls who annoyed her.

A source — and it’s definitely Luann — says Bethenny got messier than usual when three women blocked her view of the stage and refused to move. The source says Bethenny screamed at them, tried to pay a security guard to force them to move, and then bought a drink and threw it at them. Now, that reeks of a lie because I doubt Bethenny ever actually pays for a drink. Another source, close to Bethenny — her assistant, um, “Stethenny” — says security guards told the women to sit down and that Bethenny only threw water on them. But, a different source — possibly Ramona, drunk on Pinot Grigio — says that one of the women doused with “water” was Lisa Pevaroff-Cohn, wife of Gary Cohn, president and COO of Goldman-Sachs.

I sense Bethenny’s investments going way south though the bigger story here is that Coldplay was able fill an entire bar with people who wanted to hear them play.

Now that’s crazy.

So, in the Candy Ass Game of He Said/He Said … now it’s Vin Diesel’s turn to say … or not.
It was supposed to be all over because the two big men apologized to one another and got their lace panties out of their snit, but then Vin went home was all, like, “No, I’m a mean girl and I’m goin’ on the interwebz.”

And so Vin curled up in bed and filmed an Instagram video to say his piece … or not …
He kinda smacked The Rock by saying he was gonna tell ev-er-y-thing … and then he didn’t; here’s what he said, and, if you like, read it in a whispery girl’s voice because that’s how Vin said it:
“After being on set since literally Christmas, to finally finally finally come home and to learn that little Pauline learned a new word? I’m going to have to share it with you … Her new word kind of describes my spirit and my soul, and most people who stay positive. The new word is happy. When I heard her say happy, I just lit up in ways I can’t even describe. Gimme a second and I will tell you everything. E-ver-y-thing.”
Yeah, he won’t tell everything because word has it that everyone else on the Fast and Furious Pt. 253 love The Rock and so they all want him back and if Vin knows anything he knows he doesn’t have a career with Fast and Furious so, yeah, everything my ass.

Nobody watches Criminal Minds and yet it’s been on TV for about thirty years. So I guess that’s why one of its “stars”, Thomas Gibson, decided to stir up his own publicity for the show no one watches.

CBS put Thomas Gibson on suspension for at least one episode — maybe two …ooh, bad boy — because he got into a fight with Virgil Williams, one of the producers, and … kicked him.

Yes, grown-ass Thomas Gibson solves disputes like a 5-year-old … a socially inept 5-year-old. And still, no one will watch this show.


anne marie in philly said...

gibson has now been fired. and this week's garbage REALLY STINKS (perhaps due to the heat)!

Helen Lashbrook said...

If only the Lohan, Egon the Oligarch and all those Brexiteers had been given the heave- ho before 23/6 (sorry 6/23, I keep forgetting you count months and days differently from us)

the dogs' mother said...

Oh, Will Turner, how could you?

Anonymous said...

It makes you wonder why Orlando bothered wearing the baseball cap. Maybe he was worried about getting sunstroke.

Raybeard said...

Children, children! Act your age! (Physical age, I mean, not mental age.)