Saturday, August 08, 2015

It's Snarkurday!

Filed Under ‘We Already Knew This’: Chris Hemsworth is in that new Vacation movie, which is the same as the old Vacation movie except this one takes place in 2015. That’s the bad news.

The good news? In Chris’ scenes he walks around in his underwear, bearing a massive, er, VPL — Visible Penis Line — albeit with a fake, um, penis, and that’s where the ‘We Already Knew This’ comes in because Chris was too big and brawny for the 8-inch model so they upped him to the 10-incher.

It may be just a knock-off of a decades old movie but, yeah, I may shell out some dough to see some Hemsworth package.

But, again, you already knew that.

Naomi Campbell, who never had an assistant she didn’t hurl a phone at, or saw paparazzi she didn’t try to beat down, received a six-month suspended sentence for injuring paparazzo Gaetano Di Giovanni in August of 2009.

It seems that Campbell and her then boyfriend Vladimir Doronin were sight-seeing on the Sicilian island of Lipari when Giovanni snapped a few pictures and Campbell bashed him in the face with her handbag — apparently it was getting costly to replace all those Face Bashing iPhones.

But the best part is this; in court, Di Giovanni told the judge:
“I had just started taking some shots of her and I did not expect such a violent reaction.”
Naomi should have been found not guilty just for that because everyone knows you don’t rub Campbell the wrong way, with words or pictures, if you aren’t prepared for a bruising.
Been there, still have the scars.

Apparently singer Drake and someone called Meek Mill — which sounds more like a place than a person — are feuding because Meek accused Drake of using ghostwriters and Drake said that Meek needs to change his occupation title to “Nicki Minaj’s coattail surfer.”

I’d say Drake won that round. But then he upped the ante by releasing not one, but two ‘diss tracks’ about the feud, and Meek responded with a ‘diss track’ of his own, in which he claims Drake once took a Golden Shower at a movie theater once:
“You let Tip homie piss on you in a movie theater, nigga, we ain’t forget. “
And, icky as it sounds, it may have actually happened, See, back in 2010, Drake went to a private screening of Takers and he got into a spat over some seats. Now, Drake and his spat-partner were all kinds of drunk at the time, and so the spat-partner pulled out his penis — is there a running theme to this week’s Snarkurday? — and peed on Drake.

Yup. Now, some other folks say the spat-partner peed in the aisle — because that’s what grownups do — and some of it splashed on Drake who didn’t notice. But to that I say, "Don’t pee on my leg and have someone write a song about it."

Or something.

The entire country of Brazil is annoyed with hometown girl Gisele Bundchen for getting a boob job … well, not because she got one, but because she hid under a burqa to get it and has spent years saying she would never get plastic surgery.

But she’s married to Tom, Brady so maybe her original breasts deflated and he demanded she get new one.

For years, Bundchen said she was against surgical enhancements, insisting she maintained her beauty through healthy living, using Twitter and Instagram to show her doing yoga and hiking with her kids and eating fresh fruit and vegetables.

And after returning from the surgeon’s office, she again posted a photo of herself doing yoga, without a comment on what it sure to be forever known as InflateGate.

Her last name by be Jenner but she’s a Kardastrophe from her bubble-butt lips to her ever-expanding ass, and she wants you to get that way, too.

Kylie Jenner has taken to social media to shill PureLeef, a new “natural” butt-enhancing product line to help women enhance, slim and shape their bodies, er butts.

It’s funny, and oh so Kardastrophe like, that Kylie expects anyone to believe that her lips and boobs and ass are now plump and lovely because she used a cream on them.

The only creams she’s ever applied to her body are the creams her plastic surgeon suggests after her fillers and Botox because, at seventeen, she really needs that stuff.

Okay, so Paltrow is a huge Democrat and contributes to many Democratic candidates; I’ll give her props for that.

But bigger than her contributions is her ego … Paltrow supported President Obama during both of his successful campaigns, and now she wants to back Hillary, except Hillary apparently isn’t having it.

A source — and it can’t be Dina or Lindsay because I don’t think either of them is allowed within 200 yards of Goop or Hillary — says:
“Hillary does not like how Gwyneth tried to turn the last fundraiser at her home into a Paltrow production and [Hillary has] blatantly refused Gwyneth’s offer to assist. Hillary had her people tell Gwyneth ‘thanks, but no thanks.’ Hillary absolutely loathes everything that Gwyneth stands for, and although she is trying to win the vote of the Hollywood community, she has standards on who she allows to be involved in her campaign.”
The source claims that Gwyneth “thinks she is the guru of these things since she hosted the fundraiser for President Obama last year” which makes complete sense because Goop thinks she knows everything about everything … except Hillary, I’m guessing.

Makes me wanna vote Clinton all the more.

A couple of months ago, when former — she’s since been, um, ‘let go’ — Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star, Kim Richards, slipped out of rehab so she could go to her daughter’s wedding in Mexico and get all drunk and stuff, I predicted that Richards was the OL … Original Lohan.

I mean, she’s done rehab more than once, like Lohan, and skipped out on programs, like Lohan, and now, well, she’s been arrested for shoplifting, like Lohan.

Although, to be fair, Lindsay Lohan was accused to stealing a $2,000 necklace, while Kim was nabbed stealing $600 worth of Pringles and Onion Dip at Target. I kid about the Pringles, but she did walk out without paying for a shopping cart filled with $600 worth of merchandise.

Her bail was set at $5,000, and, if she continues on her path, I’m assuming she’s making a phone call to Lohan’s lawyer Shawn Holley right about now.

Ben and Jen … Poof. Reba and Narvel … Poof. Gwen and Gavin … Poof. Kermit and Miss Piggy … Poof.

Will and Jada? Again? Rumors have been running rampant for the entirety of their seventeen year marriage that this whole this was a heavily bearded sham of a union. And whenever the rumors flew, Will and/or Jada would give an interview declaring their love the greatest of all and spewing their “divorce is not an option” mantra and kinda hinting that they have an open marriage as long as they come home to one another every so often.

But this week when the rumors flared up again, Little Willie wasn’t having it, and so he posted this to Facebook because, well, I don’t know:
“Under normal circumstances, I don’t usually respond to foolishness. (Because it’s contagious) But, so many people have extended me their “deepest condolences” that I figured – “What the hell… I can be foolish, too!”
So, in the interest of redundant, repetitious, over & over-again-ness… Jada and I are… NOT GETTING A DIVORCE!!!!!!!!!!!!! : -)
I promise you all – if I ever decide to divorce my Queen – I SWEAR I’ll tell you myself!”
I say, Who cares?

I also say it was quite odd that Jada also posted to Facebook:
“I promise you all – if I ever decide to divorce my Queen – I SWEAR I’ll tell you myself!”
Okay, maybe she didn’t, but wouldn’t that have been a great post?


the dogs' mother said...

Kermit and Miss Piggy? I'm crushed!
(Inflate Gate -- oh my! :-)

anne marie in philly said...

"The only creams she’s ever applied to her body are the creams" from her pimp tyga!

mistress maddie said...

I don't know who half these people are. But what is with these girls who want these gigantic asses!!!!!! On the bright side , I guess they can always get a job as a beverage cart. But the post was very entertaining on the Chris "tidbit" alone!

Anonymous said...

I saw Chris naked once and his penis is big (naturally I could not measure lenghth or girth, but it is beg and incut,left ball hanging a bit lower than the other;good to see!

Debbie said...

His "Queen?" .... barf.