Saturday, August 01, 2015

It's Snarkurday!

When we last left Curtis '50 Cent' Jackson he was being ordered to pay Lastonia Leviston some $5 million dollars for posting a sex tape of her online because he was pissy about her former boyfriend.

Fiddy tried to play the poor card to avoid payment — and even filed bankruptcy — but the judge ain’t playing and has added an extra $2 million in damages to Fiddy’s tab. And to top it off, the rabid Fiddy fans who created a site to help raise money to pay off the judgment have, so far, raised the amazing sum of $50.67 … meaning Fiddy has about $6, 999, 950 to go!

Curtis’ attorney is filing a post-verdict motion to reduce the size of the award and says that even if the judge ordered a $7 million dollar payout. It’s up to bankruptcy court to finalize the payment.

I’m just hoping that court doesn’t buy the Fiddy Is Broke rap and keeps the seven million on the table.

Well, the $6,999,950.00 at least.

Last month she taught y’all how to yawn and so this month GOOP sinks lower: she is here to tell you how to properly pee in the shower.

Uh huh. That’s a Lifestyle Expert if I ever saw one. In the new edition of GOOP, Paltrow talks about the “secrets of the pelvic floor”:
“Try peeing in the shower squatting down. When you squat to pee as opposed to sitting up straight on the toilet, you automatically engage your pelvic floor and it naturally stretches and tones. Because your urethra is pointed straight down in this position all you have to do is relax for urine to flow out easily—as opposed to sitting up straight and having to strain to empty your bladder.”
Or, do as Paltrow probably does and sit on your back haunches on the toilet, kinda like a gargoyle staring down at her minions, and let the flow, er, flow.

Bill Cosby. Ick, I know, but the story keeps playing out, to the point where even the President called him a rapist.

And the news keeps coming, as now we have the story that a gynecologist prescribed Cosby the Quaaludes he used to drug and rape those 46 … and counting … women. And the information comes from the previously sealed documents in the sexual assault lawsuit filed by Andrea Constand, in which Cosby says he got 7 scripts for the drug, from a gynecologist, who prescribed them to Bill Cosby under the pretense of a bad back.

A lawyer who worked for the doctor — who is now deceased — says the doc was the “go-to” MD for the rich and famous when it came to prescribing recreational drugs. But apparently, even the doctor had better morals than Cosby, because he apparently almost came to blows with Cosby when he found out about Tamara Green, one of the women who accused Cosby of sexual assault, and the good doctor warned Cosby never to do it again.

Wait. What? He warned Cosby? Howsabout calling the police because you just gave drugs to a man who used them to rape women?

Of course, he’s a gynecologist seeing a male comedian about back pain, so maybe his morals were as basement level as Bill Cosby.

I know you need to know this … but Katy Perry and John Mayer have broken up for the 37,492 time.

Maybe John finally got tired of all the time Katy spends on Google researching Taylor Swift, or maybe Katy got tired of having to run to the Free Clinic every time Mayer banged her.

Either way, they’ll be back together before I finish this —

Chris Brown just can’t catch a break. He beats a grill and gets in trouble; he beats a fan and gets in trouble; he throws rocks at his Mom’s care and gets in trouble; he hurls chairs out windows and gets in trouble.

And now this … now he’s stuck in the Philippines because he tried to leave the country without performing a concert he’d been paid to do. Again.

As he was leaving, the plane ready to take off, the pilot was ordered to turn around and head back to the terminal.

The dispute has been brewing for months. Chris was supposed to perform in Manila for New Year’s Eve but he never showed up, and this was after the promoter paid him a million dollars, so when Chris came to Manila last week for another concert, the government blocked the flight because the promoter now says Brownie stole the money by not performing.

And Chrissy sits in Manila. I say let him stay, let him be their problem for a while.

Last week, That Woman threw a graduation party for her daughter Kylie Jenner — not the model, not the one married to the rapper, or the one whose husband is cheating, or even Khloe, whatever she does, but the other one — replete with a fake diploma from the “online” high school Kylie attended.

I think it’s called Instagram High.

Anyway, there were all sorts of rumors that at this high school “graduation” party a lot of the attendees were Coking up, and Khloe — the one who has nothing better to do — instantly Tweeted that she was shocked, shocked I say, to think that people would think the Kardastrophes would allow drugs at their parties.

They.Did.Not. It was booze-filled Jell-O shots these underage kids were doing and that’s okay because Khloe is, well, she is an idiot.

Sidenote of high-larity: Kylie is really, really, really, really, really, really upset that anyone thinks she didn’t graduate from her online high school and says that you just never saw her doing any schoolwork because she doesn’t put her whole life on social media.

Except that’s exactly what she does.

It looks like Ben Affleck is really just Jude Law 2.0 because ALLEGEDLY he has been, whilst still married, dating/schtupping the nanny, Christine Ouzounian.

Now, folks say that Ben and Jen — Garner, the soon-to-be ex — were “Ross and Rachel-ing”, AKA on a break, when he started boning the help but that doesn’t make the soon-to-be ex-Missus Affleck any happier, as evidenced by the fact that she sacked the nanny, after Ben had the nanny in the sack.

Lord that’s confusing.

Ben’s rep is calling this story “garbage” and “full of lies,” but is quite careful at reminding people that the Affleck’s were separated during the time of the ALLEGED affair so, yeah, if it did happen, Ben was Ross and Jen was Rachel and that’s that.

A few weeks back Halle berry was once again in court trying to get her child support payments to baby daddy Gabriel Aubry lowered because she says he lives off her support and won’t work. It’s that same old song and dance from Halle, but this time there might be a new twist.

It seems Halle Berry and her current husband, Olivier Martinez, might be on the verge of splitting up — he lives in Malibu while she lives in the Hollywood Hills — and, well, if Halle has to pay support to Martinez when he has custody of their son, and she has to pay support to Aubry when he has their daughter, she might be living a little less large and doesn’t like that.

So, sue … and sue … and sue.


anne marie in philly said...

oy, the garbage can is full and it's only 10:30a! dumpster time!

Studs said...

At least 50 Cent tried... :)

Helen Lashbrook said...

Personally I take gynaecological advice from my chiropractor and advice on back pain relief from my obstetrician....doesn't everyone?

the dogs' mother said...

Okay - is there anything we don't know
about GP's functions yet?

Blobby said...

So marriage #4 (or is it 5) isn't working out for Ms. Berry? oh. how. very. predictable.

Biki Honko said...

Lord, someone needs to take the trash out.