Saturday, June 20, 2015

It's Snarkurday!

So, a lot of people are speculating as to what Kim Kardastrophe and her husband, Kanye Kardastrophe, will be naming their second child.

And it won’t be a South West sibling for North West because, well, let’s have Kim toss a word salad explanation:
“I don’t like South West, though, because that’s like – you know, North will always, you know, be better… And be more – she has a better direction….so I wouldn’t do that. I don’t think we’ll go with another direction.”
Huh? Hopefully, whatever they name this child it will grow up to be able to structure a coherent thought, unlike Mommy.


There’s already a problem with the new ABC show, The FAB Life, starring Tyra Banks and Chrissy Teigen, and, no, it’s not just because it stars Tyra and Chrissy, though that would seem enough. It seems the former BigForeHeaded supermodel and the current GoingCommando supermodel don’t speak … at all.

A source — and it ain’t Lohan because that would be a threesome of hot messes  says:
“You never put two supermodels on the same show together, especially when one’s more than 10 years younger than the other. They are so different. Tyra thinks about everything. She thinks about what to say, down to when to move her arm. Chrissy is from the new school, where she says whatever she wants.”
Tyra needs to think about where to move her arm, and Chrissy doesn’t think at all. M’kay. I smell Supermodel D-i-saster.


Actress — well, I’ll use the term ‘actress’ loosely, because she has just two expressions: Mopey and Pouty — Kristen Stewart is apparently done with men after her boyfriend, Sparkles The Vampire, Robert Pattinson, dumped her after she boned her married director.
Yup, KStew has a girlfriend, y’all, and we can thank her mama Jules for the scoop, after Jules said this to the Sunday Mirror:
“What’s not to be accepting about her now having a girlfriend? She’s happy. She’s my daughter; I’m just her mom so she knows I would accept her choices. I’ve met Kristen’s new girlfriend, I like her. What’s not to accept? She’s a lovely girl.”
Except now Jules is saying she never said that:
“I spoke to Sharon Feinstein about my film K-11 that has been put on display in the Hollywood Museum.  … She also asked me about my views on gay rights, which I was happy to express. Then we talked briefly about the fundraiser I am hosting for TheWolfConnection.org. Never ever did we discuss Kristen!” 
Jules is maintaining that all she ever said about KStew’s ALLEGED girl-toy, Alicia Cargile, is that she’d met her as her daughter’s personal assistant … uh huh … and all she ever said was “She’s a lovely girl.”

Now the only issue is that the interviewer, Sharon Feinstein, says she has the tapes of Jules talking about her Lesbian daughter and she’ll release them. And do I’m guessing KStew will finally reveal a new facial expression: Pissed Off At Mom.


It looks like it might not be all Gay Happy Heaven in the Elton John and David Furnish household. Rumor has it — I miss Adele … but I digress — that Furnish is cheating on John, and actually bought his new boy-toy, personal trainer, Danny,  a £300,000 house. The pair met during a “night out” and has spent a lot of time together in the past year while Elton’s been busy working and touring.

Ruh-roh. According to The Sun on Sunday newspaper, Land Registry documents from April 2013 show David paid more than £330,000 for a two-bed flat in South London and reportedly helped furnish and redecorate the pad.

David and Danny went on a number of holidays together and Danny even flew first class to Hawaii to celebrate David’s 51st birthday with him, as well as hanging out in London.
Now, Danny maintains he’s “just friends” with David … and Elton as well … but, well, how many friends buy their other friends houses?

Uh huh.


Shortbite:

Caitlyn Jenner is going to bank about $6 million for her E! reality show, which just proves that, even after transitioning, she’s as much a Kardastrophe as she was before.


I guess there really is life after death, because it appears that Fashion Police is coming back after Kathy Griffin, Kelly Osbourne and Giuliana Rancic bludgeoned it to death.

Oh, and to make sure it retains that Joan Rivers sense of humor, the new host will be that bastion of comedic entertainment, Melissa Rivers.

Seriously? And Melissa thinks Kathy tarnished Joan’s memory? I imagine Joan sitting in Heaven eating snacks with Liz Taylor and shouting:
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

It was just about this time last year that the story broke about JLo’s underage — I kid ... or do I — boyfriend, Casper Not-So-Smart banging a transsexual model named Sofia Vissa.

Well, JLo stuck it out with her cheating boyfriend for about a hot minute and then they “broke up.” Of course, we now know they never really broke up, and were back together before JLo’s nails could dry. But they kept up the lie, with JLo talking about being single and looking for love, and Casper looking like a pathetic high school boy without a date for prom, until that story died when we learned that the break up was a lie and the two had never really been apart.

So, they’re back together and it’s summer and, well, it looks like Casper’s cheating again … with Lebanese pop star Haifa Wehbe. Casper starred in and choreographed Haifa’s “Breathing You In” music video and allegedly started banging that pop star at about the same time that he started banging JLo again.

And it looks like JLo isn’t happy being sloppy seconds again, because just as Casper started negotiating to be in another Haifa “video” Mama JLo put her foot down and nixed the deal. So, are they gonna break up again, and then lie when they get back together, and then get back together on camera in time for Casper to find another side-piece?

Stay tuned … this is riveting stuff.


Caitlyn Jenner and That Woman must be so proud of their daughter.

Not the one who made a porn tape and then turned that into a career; not the one who married the drunk and gets pregnant every nine months; not the one who married and divorced the crack basketballer; and not the one who’s started modeling for all the biggies in fashion.

The other one; the underage one who seemingly does nothing but post her lips to Instagram and date a years older rapper, Tyga, who, after denying his relationship with Kylie because he’s basically guilty of statutory rape, released a new song that is ALLEGEDLY about his little girl toy, called Pleazer.

And it some of the lyrics in his “song” that are garnering a lot of attention because he seems to be bragging about banging a child called Kylie:
I just hit and forget they even existeded
Ha, it’s all the same though
I changed the lingo, gave her dangle, bury the dang ho
I’m fuckin’ faster, I’m gettin’ stronger
I hit her, she backwards, lickin’ her asshole
My dick is the password
T nasty, ’bout to catch a felony for it
Vagina juice like orange juice in the mornin’
Let’s not even go into the illiteracy, or the fact that the subject is disgusting, but let’s talk about how Tyga thinks he gonna catch a felony because the age of consent in California and Kylie, who began her relationship with Tyga in 2014, is only seventeen.

Tyga, who at first seemed to be bragging about banging a baby, now says he wrote the song two years ago and it was about his Baby Mama, Blac Chyna, and not Kylie except … Blac Chyna was never underage when she let Tyga dip his STD Wick into her — and create a child — so he would never catch a felony from that.

It’s about Kylie; it’s clear. But what remains unclear is why That Woman and Caitlyn are allowing this to happen; is it because Caitlyn is busy doing her own thing? Is it because That Woman negotiated a percentage of the profits from whoring out another of her children so as long as there are coins slipping into the bank accounts, she doesn’t care who, or what, schtups her child.

Lovely.

3 comments:

Helen Lashbrook said...

Elton John has turned into a creepy old man, so on one level I can't blame David Furnish and hey, Elton may be okay with it all

the dogs' mother said...

Wow! so much snark - so little time!

anne marie in philly said...

oh my stars, suck a bag o smelly garbage this morning...OUT IT GOES!