Okay, this episode starts off with a recap of Lindsay telling us that she’s done with partying because she’s done it all, and then segues into Lindsay filming herself for the
reality show docu-series as she sits
in her wacky black hat, chain smokes and cries for no apparent reasons. You just know this episode is going to be full of the crazy.
Speaking of crazy, Dina Lohan is visiting because she’s writing her autobiography and she is there to interview Lindsay and … oh wait, no … Dina isn’t writing it because that would mean setting down the chardonnay, but she has brought along her ghostwriter Pamela Marin to interview Lindsay for the book.
Sidenote: As Dina talks to Marin, she quickly points to the cameras to tell Marian the cameras are always on, but then I recall Drunken Dina’s interview on Dr. Phil where she continually asked, in that drunken haze of hers, how to tell if the cameras are running. Dina? Liar liar.
Meanwhile, as usual, it’s late morning and Lindsay's in her room, possibly coming to; Dina knocks and Lindsay commands her to get out, and so we wait until Lindsay is fully coherent and made-up and dressed and presentable. Finally she comes out to chain smoke and talk with Dina and Pamela Marin:
"Do you feel like you grew up in a broken home?"
"It was always very up and down," says Lindsay. "Yeah, it was really rocky."
I guess because daddy was off for days on end, and then getting arrested, and Mama Dina was stuck inside a bottle, and not like Jeannie.
But then Lindsay goes on to talk about leaving home at 18 to move to LA — and Dina, of course, interjects that she didn’t want Lindsay to go because Dina is still trying to play the part of decent mother — and she says there were times when she saw her dad doing drugs in his hotel, and times when her mom was coming to visit and then she just wouldn’t show up.
Such lovely parents, eh?
Luckily, that section of the show, where Crazy Drunk Dina pretends to be Caring and Loving Mom Dina is over and we quickly settle into this episode where everything goes wrong and none of it, none of it, is Lindsay’s fault. Dammit.
Lindsay has agreed to appear at the Foxwoods Casino Halloween party for a fee of $100,000 along with her co-host, boxer Floyd Mayweather, Jr. Her contact states that she will walk the red carpet and appear at the party from 10PM to 12AM and judge a costume contest. Wow, 100K for 2 hours work? What could be better?
Oh yeah ... One hundred grand for thirty-eight minutes work.
Lindsay arrives late at the casino and heads to her suite where she’ll douse herself with fake blood because she’s Carrie. She laughs and jokes in the room with her brother, the sadly named Michael Lohan Jr. — seriously, I’d change my name if I was named after Michael Lohan.
At 11:12PM — already over an hour late, Lindsay heads to Mayweather’s room to find him decked out as Freddy Krueger. The duo head downstairs where Lindsay practically dashes down the red carpet and enter the party. Lindsay tells us she’s nervous about being in a room where they are serving alcohol but, you know, one hundred thousand dollars makes it okay.
Lindsay and Floyd judge the contest and Lindsay is outta there by 12AM. The next day all the rags and some of the blogs — like this one — pointed out that Lindsay didn’t exactly do what she was contracted to do; the story emerges that Foxwoods wants their money back, though, after speaking with Lohan’s people, decide to let the issue go.
Though I doubt Lohan will ever be asked back.
Next up in the Lindsay Lohan It’s Not My Fault Tour is a scheduled fashion shoot for Elle Indonesia—sidenote: is that like Elle Smallville?
Anindita ‘Dita’ Saryuf, fashion director for the magazine, seems pleased to have Lindsay scheduled because, ahem, "She's a great actress and she's having, like, a comeback. Everybody deserves a second chance."
The shoot is scheduled at 1PM, and the photographer, Eric Silverberg, the makeup team, the stylists and the staff from Elle Indonesia is waiting, but Lohan’s people called the night before and said Lindsay was working the night before and won’t arrive until 1:30PM.
Cut to Assistant Matt — or as I will now call him AssMatt the Enabler — saying Lindsay was working the night before but he will not say what she was working on :::eight ball::: and only that she’s now ready to shoot for Elle.
Except she isn't ready; and she isn';t coming.
At 3PM, no Lohan, and Dita and Silverberg are starting to worry about the light — Eric Silverberg only shoots in natural light and that’s what he was hired to do. Nearing 4PM and still no Lohan, one of her “people” comes by to ask if Lindsay can reschedule for Sunday because she, you know, “worked “ the night before and she’s sleeping.
Dita calls her boss and, in her native tongue, you hear her say, “That bitch. That bitch. That bitch Lindsay.” I'm now convinced that Dita is not so keen on second chances any longer. As least not for Lohan.
In her confessional, Lindsay blames her absence on being a night person: "My biggest challenge at this moment is I'm such a night person. I'm on a night schedule."
And then to make it better, or worse, she tells the story of being a little girl and waiting up all night for her daddy to come home, thereby blaming her tardiness on Michael Lohan because, you know, it’s not her fault. And it isn't because she was hanging out with friends all night; she once again reminds us that she can stay up all night and got to clubs and it’s okay if they drink because she just likes to talk and smoke and dance all night. Ah, now I get it, she was “working.”
On the morning of her rescheduled Elle shoot, Lindsay is at home filming four Russian male friends playing a game of ‘Dare; one friend is dared into getting his ear pierced with a knife. Apparently, since this little snippet of Lohan footage was taken by Lohan t 7:21 AM, she and her friends have been up all night.
To her credit, she does arrive on time for the shoot but makes a point to tell us that she is not getting paid for this so, probably, it’s okay to waste people’s time and come to work looking like she’s been “rode hard and put away wet.” She also complains that the whole shoot feels rushed but I guess she forgot about day one when she didn’t show up and the whole team of stylists and makeup people and photographers and Elle staff had to reschedule.
After five wardrobe changes, they lose the natural light and because Lindsay knows best, she tells Silverberg to shoot her on the street … if only. I thought, if only. And I found that request both odd and stupid and also Totally Lindsay because she’d been complaining during the entire shoot that paparazzi were outside the building taking pictures of her through the windows so why would she want to go outside?
Oh, yeah, drama and chaos and It’s Not Her Fault.
So, outside, a paparazzo — just the one it seemed — shows up and Lindsay freaks out, yelling at AssMatt the Enabler to take the guy's “f**king” camera while she jumps in a car and demands that the driver run the red light and get her away.
AssMatt the Enabler, meanwhile, is trying to get the photographer to give him the camera, and offers a thousand dollars; the guy balks and demands ten thousand. AssMatt the Enabler later tells us that the film is blurry and worth nothing but an hour or so his time running the streets of NYC and maybe a thousand bucks.
So, naturally, this one day Elle shoot is far from over; this scheduled-for-one-afternoon shoot has now taken three days and will resume at Lindsay’s apartment because she feels safe there.
Of course, it scheduled for 1PM to get that natural light and of course Lindsay isn’t ready for her close-ups until 4PM so all the natural light is gone. Luckily, the film crew for the
reality show docu-series offers their lights and the
whole crew moves outside to Lindsay’s terrace. And,
also of course, since the shoot has gone on for three separate days now, the designer
who lent the clothes has asked for them back so Lindsay will be rummaging through
her closets for something to wear. She will also snap at Silverberg when he
suggests she stand a certain way and then will, mid-shot, run off to change her
And then, at the height of complete delusional wackness, Lindsay tells us that she deserves to be credited as a stylist on all her shoots because she does the majority of the styling and it’s not her fault she ‘s late or scared or not ready or anything.
Outside, Eric Silberberg is asked how Lindsay compares to other celebrities he’s photographed and he asks, “Do you want the truth, or no?”
He’s asked for the truth, and he just smiles and walks out of camera range.
Back inside, Lindsay and her friends ready themselves to go out. One of her “friends” tells us that it’s okay not to drink, and it’s okay to surround yourself with people who don’t drink. Then he tells us that, while he went to rehab three years ago, he hasn’t been sober this whole time; he still slips with drinking and …
Lindsay appears and off they go, sober friends.
Next week the final two episodes are crushed into one because the ratings are so bad for Lindsay — go figure — that I guess Oprah wants this shiz over and done with as soon as possible.
When Lindsay did her interview with Oprah before filming, I was impressed by her; she seemed actually ready to commit to sobriety and to make her career work again.
Now, not so much. She is a spoiled self-indulgent little brat who wastes other people’s time and money, and paints herself as the victim in all this madness. She is the product of a family that cared less about each other than they did about themselves, but, at twenty-seven, she’s well past the poor little girl routine.
If she was hoping this
reality show docu-series
would help reboot her career, all one needs to do is see how much time she
wastes and how little she cares about anyone other than herself and her idiot
friends and her career will stay in the dustbin where it belongs.