I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Kirstie Alley is back on her diet, y’all! Lock up the Frigidaire!

I mean seriously, how many times have we heard this before? She was on Jenny Craig, and lost a lot of weight for money, but then gained it back and jenny dumped her.

Then she was Dancing with the Stars and lost a lot of weight and then gained it all back.

Then she said she was gonna lose weight through her own weight-loss brand, Organic Liaison, but she only gained a lot moiré weight before she lost any; then Organic Liaison was exposed as a front for Scientology elixirs and vitamins, and Kirstie eventually paid $130,000 to settle a suit brought by a dissatisfied customer which may or may not have been Kirstie herself.

But now she’s back with Jenny Craig again. Kirstie says that she only wants to lose about 20 or 30 more pounds.

Until she gains them again and tries out from Dancing with the All-Stars. Again.

Then comes up with her own diet juice. Again.

So, Gaga. I know, but sometimes I just gotta.

It seems she needs so much control over her image that she is asking paparazzi to Photoshop their pictures of her, or else no pictures.

After appearing at the Roseland Ballroom last week, Gaga did the pap-walk outside, but once inside only one photographer was allowed to take the “official” photos, and Gaga worked with him to only release the photos that had been retouched and had the Gaga Seal of Approval.

And other photographers covering another event last week had to agree to give Gaga final approval of their images could be released. Gaga asked that they “smooth out her jaw line and thin her arm,” and “smooth out and thin her legs,” according to one insider.

Kevin Mazur, the Wireimage/Getty photographer who was the “official” photographer last week, admits he retouched his images and that Gaga’s management team had final approval; he actually removed drops of sweat — apparently Gaga does not perspire — and erased an errant lock of hair or a shiny patch on Gaga’s forehead.

So, when you see any pictures of Gaga realize that, as ridiculous as she looks in the picture, she looked far worse in real life.

It looks like Kim and Kanye’s Vogue cover is selling reasonably well. The issue may sell between 300,000 to 400,000, which is about what Beyoncé’s March cover sold, and Kimye’s cover will sell more than Michelle Obama’s April cover.

So, everything’s coming up Kimye, right? Not so fast. It seems that Kanye and Kim’s over-the-top plans for a Parisian wedding have taken a big hit because Kim does not live there.

The fame-whoring couple learned last week that French law requires a 40-day residency requirement before the wedding, and since they planned on shooting the wedding for TV—because it’s what fame-whores, or children of That Woman, do—on May 24, they’re cutting it very close.

A Kardashian source — That Woman — says, “Kim and Kanye were unaware until recently that France required a residency requirement prior to the marriage. Kanye has an apartment in Paris, but he doesn’t live there full-time.”

And this snafu has changed the course of Kanye’s Ego-Thumping Yeezus world tour, because now he will postpone his Australian tour — which had originally been scheduled for the weeks before the May 24 event — until the fall. Kanye said he made the switch to give himself more time to work on his upcoming studio album, due later this year, but that doesn’t seem right; it seems more like he’s taking his ass to Paris so as not to upset Kash Kow’s TV schedule.

After all, she’s a big Vogue star now.

Miley Cyrus says she is “one of the biggest feminists in the world” now because, well, let’s have her tell you:

 “I’m just about equality, period. It’s not like, I’m a woman, women should be in charge! I just want there to be equality for everybody. I still don’t think we’re there 100 percent. I mean, guy rappers grab their crotch all f—ing day and have hos around them, but no one talks about it. But if I grab my crotch and I have hot model bitches around me, I’m degrading women? I’m a woman–I should be able to have girls around me! But I’m part of the evolution of that. I hope.”

Oh, hot model bitches and grabbing your crotch are the new signs of feminism?

Someone should’a told that to Gloria Steinem back in the day, and someone should tell Miley to take a seat because she sounds exhaustingly self-involved.

It must suck to be a former TV star, eh, Jennie Garth?

It seems the former ‘90291′ star got her designer panties in a bunch this week when she went to DBA, a club in Hollywood, and wasn’t allowed inside the doors.

Garth called racism saying the club refused her and her party entrance because her make friends were black, but the club has a different, truer, story.

Jennie Garth was denied entrance because she was asked to stand with the reg’lar folk in the reg’lar folk line and so, of course, she played the “Don’t you know who I am?” card.

She ain’t Shannon Doherty, is all I’m saying, cuz that bitch would’a stabbed her way inside the club.

But Jennie was turned away and, rather than wait with the reg’lar folk, she flipped the bird and cried as she left.

I guess that 90210 cred is over?

Remember Kate Mulgrew? She played the first female captain on one of those Star Trek TV reboot knock-offs in the 80s and 90s?

Apparently, though, science, or maybe just reading, weren’t her strong suit. See, Mulgrew, who now appears on Orange Is The New Black, recently narrated a documentary called The Principle about geocentrism and according to the trailer for the documentary — again narrated by Mulgrew — Galileo was wrong about the whole “earth circles the sun" business.

No, according to the documentary, the Earth is a special place that is the center of the universe and is the only planet with forms of life on it and the Sun actually revolves around the Earth.

Welcome back … to the 1300s! But, when the crazy talk hit the fan, Mulgrew announced that she was only a voice for hire, a check is a check and she would’ve never taken the job if she had known what it was for:

“I understand there has been some controversy about my participation in a documentary called The Principle. Let me assure everyone that I completely agree with the eminent physicist Lawrence Krauss, who was himself misrepresented in the film, and who has written a succinct rebuttal in SLATE. I am not a geocentrist, nor am I in any way a proponent of geocentrism. More importantly, I do not subscribe to anything Robert Sungenis has written regarding science and history and, had I known of his involvement, would most certainly have avoided this documentary. I was a voice for hire, and a misinformed one, at that. I apologize for any confusion that my voice on this trailer may have caused.”

Funny, though, that she read the script and said the words and cashed the check, but now that crazy is being released she’s playing dumb.

Or dumber, I guess.

Back to Kanye. He’s apparently so proud that his sperm shot inside Kim’s vagina and made a baby that he’s written a rap about it … called “I Won” in which he says:

‘I made it over NBA, NFL players. So every time I score it’s like the Super Bowl.’

Clearly, he’s talking about being able to make a baby with a woman who was married for a literal hot-minute to basketball player Kris Humphries, and had another relationship with football player Reggie Bush.  But he’s also singing about that giant ring he gave her:

‘I put that glacier on your little hand, now that’s the only thing without a tan.’

And then delves right into Kim’s nether regions with a reference to baby North SouthEastWest:

‘You grew up on J. Lo, Timberlands by Manolo now, till one day I put an angel in your ultra sound.’

Wow. Isn’t it romant — oops, I threw up a little.

Okay, a lot.

Remember when Simon Cowell banged his best friend’s wife while the couple was still married and she got pregnant and dumped her husband to bear a baby paycheck for Cowell?

Apparently he feels pretty torn up about all that, but at the same time…. he doesn’t:

“I regret [banging my friend’s wife]. But then of course you have a baby and you look at the baby and you kinda go ‘this is what happened from it.’ In this situation you are not going to come out of this well because of the circumstances. It is not something I am proud of or wanted to happen in terms of hurting anyone. It just happened. You have to deal with it and man up to it. You have to accept the responsibility and the criticism. All I can say is, my advice to you is if it happens to you, you just have to deal with it a day at a time and own up to your responsibilities.”

So, in a nutshell, Simon Says it’s okay to bang your best friend’s wife while they’re still married if you make a baby.

A few weeks back we talked Katherine Heigl trying to use Kickstarter to fund a film to star Katherine Heigl. She said she couldn’t put her own money in it, because she has a family and they need to eat, so maybe y’all could pay for the movie.

But you didn’t; good for you.

Now, though, it appears she may have a new source of funding, that old standby: the lawsuit.

It seems Heigl was photographed after shopping at drugstore Duane Reed, and the company Tweeted the paparazzi photo with this caption:

“Love a quick #DuaneReade run? Even @KatieHeigl can’t resist shopping #NYC’s favorite drugstore.”

Heigl, who doesn’t have a contract to promote Duane Reade could have released a statement calling them out on the Tweet, but then how would she make any money?

Oh yeah, by suing them for $6 million dollars. Heigl claims she’ll donate the money to her animal charity, but I think that’s what she calls her family so ….

Yeah.