I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

James Franco, who never took a photo of himself he didn’t want to Instagram, and is possibly the biggest Stunt Queen ever, is appearing in Broadway’s reboot of ‘Of Mice and Men’ and is, in one minute, sending links to the good reviews out into the web-o-sphere, while also pissing in his pants about the not-so-good ones.

Like the one from the New York Times and Ben Brantley. But Brantley’s review of Franco wasn’t even that bad; he didn’t call out Franco for trying to hook-up with underage girls on the internet, but did call attention to Franco’s “brooding beautiful” face. And you’d think Franco would love that because no one loves a Franco face more than Franco. Still, Brantley did say this:

“Though Mr. Franco musters a single, perfect tear for the play’s tragic climax, I only came close to shedding one. That was in the first act, when a dog (a real one) is led offstage to be shot because it stinks. That dog seemed to have true fear and bewilderment in its eyes. It felt, well, human, in a way none of the people did, and my heart sank when I knew it wouldn’t be coming back.”

Oops, so Brantley liked the dog’s performance better than James Franco? Which may be why Franco Instagrammed, then deleted, this:

"Sadly Ben Brantley and the NYT have embarassed [sic] themselves. Brantley is such a little bitch he should be working for Gawker.com instead of the paper of record. The theater community hates him, and for good reason. He's an idiot."

No word on what Franco did to the dog, who may, or may not, be getting a Tony nom next month.

After coming down with a severe reaction to antibiotics, or a drug overdose, or something, Miley Cyrus has put her g-string on hold, and stowed her tongue in an overhead compartment because she’ll be hospitalized until at least August.

Must have been some pretty strong, ahem, antibiotics.

Just sayin'.

And just remembering that it was only a few years ago that Lohan used that same excuse.

So, last month Gwyneth Paltrow consciously uncoupled from her husband Chris Martin because they were both banging side pieces and Chris decided he liked his side better than the main meal and hit the road.

But now comes word that Paltrow and the GOOP website CEO, Seb Bishop, are also consciously uncoupling. At first the story was that Gwynnie was moving the GOOP offices out of London so she’d never have to go back there and see Chris again, and that Bishop would be coming along to LA, until Bishop said, Um, Gwynnie? I don’t wanna work with you anymore.

Now, though, the story is he’s leaving because GOOP is over $1 million in debt and he didn’t bring a lifeboat to save himself.

For the last two years, Goop has racked up more than $300K in losses, thanks in part to an interest-free loan Paltrow took from the company coffers; in 2011, GOOP “incurred a loss of $255,312 and had net liabilities of $259,969” and in 2012, Goop reported “a loss of $39,823 and … net liabilities of $298,512.” 


GOOP also spent $98,150 on Goop.com, $79,961 on the GOOP newsletter, $189,590 on product costs, and a whopping $1,564,995 in “administrative expenses,” adding up to a loss of $39,823. Chief among those “administrative expenses” were Paltrow and Bishop’s salaries, for which the company allotted $587,653.25, up from the previous year’s $172,585, despite the Goop loses.

That Paltrow. Not good at business, not good at marriage. Good thing she still has that acting thing —

Yeah, never mind.

I loves me some NPH [Neil Patrick Harris]. He’s currently starring in Hedwig and the Angry Inch on Broadway to sell-out crowds of crazed fans, and one night one fan got so overcome with emotion at seeing NPH that she screamed out, “I love you, Neil!”

Harris — who plays a transgender East German punk singer — yelled back, without missing a beat, “I’m doing something up here, motherf–ker!”

And the crowd’s went crazier.

But that wasn’t the whole interaction; in fact it went down more like this:

When the fan initially yelled, ‘I love you, Neil,’ Neil [remaining in character] said, “Who’s Neil? I’m not Neil.”

Then looked to co-star Lena Hall [who plays Yitzhak] and asked, “Are you Neil? You better not be Neil.”

And then he said, still in character, “I’m doing something up here, motherf–ker!”

I does love some NPH; quick, smart, gay that he is.

So the craptastic Lindsay Lohan reality show docu-series is finally over, though we were left with the Miscarriage Bombshell that Lohan dropped at the last minute and all out of the blue.

Although she did not reveal the identity of the man who got her pregnant, she did reveal to KODE magazine that she is currently dating a married man with kids. Lovely girl, that Lohan, especially after talk of her anger at her own father’s escapades while still married to that Box of Wine called Dina.

And, like her Mama, according to the magazine, Lindsay is once again drinking like the proverbial vodka guzzling fish though she still insists she’s had just the one glass of wine since leaving rehab last year. And rumor also has it that Lindsay was in Ecstasy during her yearly pilgrimage to Coachella recently.

In fact, the person who interviewed Lohan for KODE — and who goes only by The Kurator — says that during the interview Lohan ‘takes a sip from her freshly topped off glass of Vodka on the rocks. From this moment, all questions of sobriety seem irrelevant.’

Now, to be fair to Lindsay and despite ALLEGEDLY drinking during the interview — and ALLEGEDLY carrying a vodka-filled Evian bottle around Coachella — Lindsay insisted: ‘I’m not an alcoholic.’

And the world said, Uh huh. And then sighed. And then gasped because Lindsay tossed this out during the interview as well, when asked a question about Jennifer Lawrence, who might be getting all the roles Lindsay could have gotten if she hadn’t become a drinker/drugger/liar:

“[Jennifer Lawrence is] so fake and I’m sorry I’m not going to f**k for roles.” 

No, hon, you only f**k for drinks and drugs … and ALLEGED private planes.

Lindsay’s people are saying that she never spoke to anyone at KODE and that the entire interview was done during emails so how does anyone know she was drinking? Well, KODE Executive editor Jacob Simon begs to differ:

“I have sworn testimonies that it took place that back up everything. Yes, the interview took place and everything stated in the article is fact and came directly from Lohan herself. And we have photos chronicling the writer and Lindsay’s numerous times together.”

Lohan. The gift that keeps on giving … like crabs.

It’s hard planning a wedding between getting your face Botoxed, and your lids lifted, your ass plumped, following you fiancé and his best buddy around Europe, but now poor Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe will have to add one more task to her To-Do list: refigure the seating chart because Jay Z and Beyoncé have sent their regrets.

Did you really think they’d attend this taped-for-TV-prelude-to-the-taped-for-TV-divorce?

Sources — and it might be Lohan trying to scratch some coin before hitting the liquor store — says Jay Z wanted to be at Kanye’s wedding and celebrate the sacred bond between a man and a blow-up doll, but when he found out it was gonna be on TV, he and the missus decided they’d rather go to CostCo, or anywhere else.

Still, the Carters are said to be shelling out about $125,000 for a yacht Kanye and Kash Kow can use on their honeymoon, and will throw Kanye a bachelor party at his club, 40/40.

No strippers, though, because when you have a whore at home, why have one at your party?

So, Chrissy Brown is about to stand trial in Washington DC for the assault of a man last October; Chrissy’s bodyguard has already been found guilty of misdemeanor assault for the same incident.

Chris might have avoided jail had he not been kicked out of rehab for being a jerk, or if he’d completed his probation rather than faking documents. Now, he’s facing the consequences and is of course not happy about it and not ready to take responsibility for his actions.

His trial was postponed until June 25 and Chrissy went from a DC jail to an LA jail, until June when he’ll head back to DC again. He has been trying to get released on bail while awaiting trial, but the judge said, Oh hell no.

If he’s found guilty of assault, he faces up to four years in prison. Not good, because word has it that Chrissy is very upset at being jailed and has broken down crying when talking to girlfriend Karrueche Tran on the phone. She says that “he’s tired and that he couldn’t sleep… he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to fall asleep because he’s nervous."

Poor thing. Maybe he shouldn’t beat up women, then lie about, and then fail to fulfill his probation and then beat up a fan on the street, eh?

More Kash Kow?

When Kim Kardastrophe got the cover of Vogue — and let’s be queer about this, it was because Kanye sold what was left of his soul to Anna Wintour — we all assumed the issue would bomb because no fashion-savvy person would ever buy anything with a Kardastrophe on it.

But, it turns out the magazine sold decently well, and there is a clearly obvious reason: Kim is ALLEGEDLY buying stacks of them for herself.

See, the Kash Kow cannot get enough of herself and is rumored to have been hitting up newsstands and bookstores everywhere she goes to buy all the Vogue issues she can carry. 

Now, you could say that Kash Kow is only buying up issue after issue to sort of commemorate something she’s wanted for a long time, something That Woman promised but never delivered, but that would be assuming that she earned the cover.

She didn’t; like most things in Kash Kow’s world, she whored herself out for it.