Saturday, October 26, 2013

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Okay, we get it! Chelsea Handler hates Angelina Jolie because Angelina “stole” Brad Pitt from Jennifer Aniston. I mean, mention AJ’s name around Chelsea and you get this: "Angelina seems like a demon” or "Angelina is evil incarnate.” Chelsea used to have an “Angelina is a f**king c**t” section in her, ahem, act, and she makes really offensive, and downright racist comments about the Pitt-Jolie children.

And Handler really ratcheted up the Angie Hate after signing with CAA [Creative Artists Agency] and now the proverbial shiz hit the fan. CAA’s big bosses aren’t keen on Handler’s handling of Jolie because Jolie is a huge star and they might one day want to, oh, I dunno, represent her, or work with her, and why should Jolie work with an agency that has such an evil bitch on their roster? So they’ve ordered Handler to stop the anti-Jolie crap she’s been spewing in her efforts to take over the role of Aniston’s BFF from Courtney Cox.

“Angelina has a lot of support at the top and they’re dying to lock her into a long-term contract,” noted a source at CAA — and you know it ain’t Lindsay because CAA don’t sink that low. “They don’t like the fact that Chelsea has really been saying some horrible things about her. For starters, she’s been accusing Angelina of being a plastic surgery-obsessed phony whose looks are fading fast. Chelsea also believes Angelina found the way to Brad’s heart through kinky sex, and that’s the only reason she was able to ‘steal’ him from Jennifer. But perhaps worst of all, Chelsea has dismissed all of Angelina’s humanitarian work, saying that she’s only involved with good causes because it helps her image.”

And what's the best part of this? Somewhere, someone is telling Angelina about Chelsea and Angelina's saying, “What? Who’s Chelsea Handler?”

So, Fifty Shades of Grey. Haven’t read it, don’t do Mommy Porn, but apparently there’s been a big hullabaloo about who’s going to star in the sexy — or so I’ve been told — film adaptation of the book. And in stepped Sons of Anarchy star, Charlie Hunnam, all set to play the lead, but that lasted for about a minute and now ... Hunnam’s out.

And the reasons why are as varied as the number of sexual positions in the book — again, so I’ve been told. Hunnam says he left because the shoot would conflict with his SoA shooting schedule, but, um, wouldn’t that have been part of the negotiations and wouldn’t he have known that up front? And now comes word that Hunnam left because the producers wouldn’t let him make Charlie Hunnam’s Fifty Shades of Grey. Yup, he was kinda asked to leave because the producers couldn’t handle his demands for rewrites and script control and so on.

Hunnam, who is also a writer — he wrote the Gothic horror screenplay Vlad for Brad Pitt’s Plan B — ALLEGEDLY submitted very detailed script notes on screenplay of Grey and when those notes were less-than-well-received Hunnam began making more changes and more demands and soon it was all, “Charlie’s out.”

Back in early 2012, the late Robert Kardashian’s widow, Ellen, started selling details to the tabloids about Kris Jenner and the Kardastrophes. She was the first tell the tale that Bruce Jenner is a cross dresser and regularly wore women’s clothing, shoes and lingerie. Ellen says she heard this from Bruce’s first wife, Chrystie Crownover, and also claims Chrystie told her that Kris Jenner wasn’t bothered by Bruce’s, um, in-home sense of style.

But now, in the wake of the Jenner split — and with no prenup which could cost Kris a buttload of Kardastrophe Kash — the rumor mill is spinning that Kris is blackmailing Bruce. An insider — and it could be any member of that Klan trying to keep their name in print — says, “Kris has told Bruce that she will reveal his secret if he doesn’t go along with her plans about their split or their show.”

See, Kris is an evil money-grubbing, child-whoring, fame-seeking despot who wants to keep Bruce on a short, perhaps feminine, leash until the final episode of the Kardastrophes airs and their contract ends in 2015. She wants the ratings and the fame of having the story of her marriage unravel on TV and will do anything to make Bruce high-heel-open-toe the line.

A few months back, we heard that Vanity Fair was doing exposé all bout Gwyneth Paltrow’s loose association with the truth and her Goop mess — with the $800 sweatshirts.

Well, Gwyneth, sitting upon her throne, with her kids Pomegranate and Solomon, and Chris Martin, her eunuch, at her side, commanded that no one within the sound of her voice speak to Vanity Fair at all, ever, or risk losing their heads. She sent an email out, throwing shade at Graydon Carter, VF editor, implying that the magazine was beneath her: 
“Vanity Fair is threatening to put me on the cover of their magazine. If you are asked for quotes or comments, please decline. Also, I recommend you all never do this magazine again.”
Well Carter didn’t like that and spoke out on his own:  
We started a story on her. We have a very good writer and it’ll run. …  We wouldn’t be doing our job if there wasn’t a little bit of tension between Vanity Fair and its subjects ... That’s the nature of the beast. [But]  she sort of forced my hand. … Some famous people believe that they live in a cone of celebrity that protects them, but it doesn’t really exist anymore in LA unless they stay in.”
So, what’s Gwyneth afraid of in the VF piece, you ask? Sources — and it’s probably Graydon Carter himself because he ain’t afraid of no Goop — say the magazine will be digging into her “friendship” with billionaire Jeff Soffer — who is considered Miami royalty because he owns the lavish Fontainebleau Hotel and recently married Elle Macpherson:
 “Vanity Fair is asking if Gwyneth had an affair with Jeff back in 2008 [Gwyneth married Chris Martin in 2003 so … yeah ... cheater] when he reopened the Fontainebleau. He flew her in for the party, and she stayed at his house.”
Paltrow attracted attention to herself and Soffer by wearing a revealing little white dress to the resort’s reopening and then attending a Victoria’s Secret party in a “closed off in a private section with Soffer.”

Rumor has it that Paltrow and Martin were not a happy couple at the time, and perhaps this was her trying to jump-off with a rich dude, or make Martin so jealous he’d come running back. And Paltrow, who apparently never learned the lesson to keep her mouth shut, has ordered her royal representative to some out and deny she ever had an affair with Soffer:
 ‘It’s completely false. Jeff is a longtime friend of Gwyneth’s and there was no romantic relationship with him at all. He flew many of his friends to Miami that weekend – not just Gwyneth.’
A non-denial denial because a real denial would be this: She never schtupped him and if anyone says she did we’ll sue. This could be a good read; some good goop on Goop.

Now … Harvey Weinstein.

He produced the new Nicky Kidman flick Grace of Monaco which just smells like a bomb; I mean, maybe had the film been made, oh I dunno, a couple of decades ago, it might have been interesting, but these days no one knows from Grace Kelly; and no one knows why 46-year-old Nicky was the perfect choice to play the 33-year-old princess. And it began stinking even more when Weinstein pushed the release day back from its Oscar-nomination-consideration opening in December into 2014 where it will be ineligible for any Oscar noms.

And now GoM director Oliver Dahan is complaining that Weinstein is the reason the movie sucks because Harvey edited Dahan’s original version:  “There are two versions of the film at present, mine and his, which I find catastrophic.”

 Dahan says Weinstein wanted a “commercial film … removing anything that is too abrupt, removing everything that has to do with cinema, everything that has to do with life. … They made a trailer that did not correspond to the film, and then tried to make the film resemble the trailer. It’s absurd.”

Weinstein did not comment, which, I’m guessing, means Dahan is right, but let’s get back to the core issue: while I loves me some Nicky Kidman — especially after she fled Cruise Control — Kidman as Kelly? Oh, honey, no.

CeeLo Green — who, like Bea Arthur or a Bond villain, never met a caftan he didn't love — is in a bit’o’trouble now.

He was in court this week to face prosecution for ALLEGEDLY drugging and raping a young woman in 2012. Now, CeeLo apparently won’t be charged for the ALLEGED sexual assault, but could be tried for giving the woman ecstasy without her consent. If convicted, he could serve 4 years in prison for “furnishing a controlled substance” which is a felony.  The DA’s office cited insufficient evidence for the decision not to file a charge of rape of an intoxicated person.

Green’s attorney, Blair Berk, issued a statement saying she and Green were pleased with the DA’s conclusion “that the evidence did not support the false and unfounded claims made over a year ago. Mr. Green encouraged a full and complete investigation of those claims and he was confident once conducted he would be cleared of having any wrongful intent and it would be established that any relations were consensual.”

Still, there is ALLEGEDLY a tape recording of Green admitting to slipping ecstasy into the woman’s drink before taking her back home to have sex with her. Which, I dunno ‘bout you, sounds a wee bit like rape. 

And an upcoming “ripped from the headlines’ episode of Law & Order: SVU. Too bad Bea Arthur’s not with us; she has enough caftans and a deep enough voice that she could have played the role of ‘DeeLow Preen.’

I loathed Katharine McPhee on American Idol because she tried to act just so perfect. And I loathed her on Smash because she was trying to take Marilyn from Ivy and I was Team Ivy/Megan Hilty. But McPhee ALLEGEDLY took something else from Smash: a married director.

She just got “caught” by a paparazzo making out with Michael Norris — who is not her husband by the way and who has his own wife at home.  Morris is married to actress Mary McCormack [In Plain Sight] and McPhee married to producer Nick Cokas.

Sources — and it could be conniving Smash assistant Ellis Boyd … though he’s not a real person — says that while McPhee and Cokas have been separated a few months, at this point Norris and McCormack are still together.

Crazy for these two to go so public with their face-f**king and stuff when they both have spouses, and one has children, but, it’s Smash, which also may have broken up Debra Messing's marriage when she began schtupping a costar.

Calling all Oprahs! Calling all Oprahs! Tighten the leash on Lohan because she’s out of control again, and stirring up the drama; even though she’s ALLEGEDLY doing so sober.

The recently rehabbed wacktress has become a regular at NYC’s Sing Sing Karaoke, partying into the wee hours with drunken pals. Last Monday, Lohan arrived with a group of girlfriends and then started a verbal fight and refused to leave at closing, planting herself at the bar until almost 6 AM.

Hanging with a male model type — who may or may not be her new love interest — and some girls — one of who might be a new love interest, too — the group, though not Lohan, ordered and then downed, and ordered another, bottle of Jameson’s.

But the night went dark when another customer overheard Lohan get into a “disturbance” with a staffer, as she begged him to keep the bar open past closing; the customer said Lohan was acting “insanely belligerent.” And then, when asked to leave, Lohan called the cops, claiming staffers had locked her in the private karaoke room.

The NYPD showed up, but no one bothered to file a report. After Lohan and her posse left, the lounge staffers found their private karaoke room littered with trash and empty bottles.

But, Lohan, perhaps scared that a bar run-in of any sort might result in Oprah asking for the check back — O is bankrolling Lindsay’s reality docu-series on sobriety — returned to the club the next night and apologized. So, maybe it was her friends causing the ruckus, but one wonders why a recovering alcoholic needs to hang out in bars with drunken friends.

That’s just asking for trouble.

After Kanye West rented out a baseball stadium and an orchestra to beg Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe for her hand in marriage — and filmed the whole shebang for an upcoming episode of their “reality” show — Big Kim was in San Francisco with her mom, Kris Jenner, who may have brokered the deal with Kanye; I mean, he put a baby in it, why not put a ring on it?

First, though, let’s dish the proposal, shall we? Was Kim surprised?  Hardly; the camera crew from her "reality" show was there to film it; Kris made sure the entire family, dressed for a Red Carpet event, was also present. And, AND, the Kash Kow actually picked out the 15-carat diamond engagement ring — it’s as big as her ass though it has no flaws — because she knew her baby daddy was going to propose. I think it was already written in a script for their “show.”

Kim even told him where to buy the ring, and rumor has it that Kris negotiated a special discount for the rock in exchange for lots of photo ops for the stone and a Very Special Kardastrophe Episode all about the ring. The ring could be worth at least $3 million, jewelry experts estimate, but according to the source, Kanye paid less than $500,000.

Budget. Though one wonders why Kanye, the epitome of style — remember he invented leather shorts — would let someone like Kim, who has no taste — Google her fashion sense and then come back — pick out the stone.

Oh yeah. Budget.


anne marie in philly said...

"Kris Jenner and the Kardastrophes" - new rock band name!

more insipid inane trash from the dustbin this week; now let's empty it in the landfill for the vultures!

Anonymous said...

I can't stand Kris Jenner, but the above mentioned name is absolutely hilarious!

As for Bruce, I'm getting a T-vibe from him. If it's true that Kris is blackmailing him over something like this, I hope for her sake she dresses for warm weather for where she's going when she dies.

Hint: It's the same place Dan White is.

mistress maddie said...

Never could stand Chelsea Handler, maybe for a minute, but she tends to go to far! And a huge mouth. First off Jolie was the single one, so Brad is to blame really, but if Jenny couldn't delvier the candy.... And your right...Angie was probably like who?

Who the hell in their right mind would fly Gwyneth Paltrow to Miami? A waste of gas in my opinion. VF sales will plummet with her on the cover, unless they bash her, then that could be entertaining.

Kanye West rented out a baseball stadium? Well of course he did, it's the only place her huge ass will fit these days!

anne marie in philly said...

@mistress - OH suh-NAP, girlfriend!

Helen Lashbrook said...

A baseball stadium? How vulgah darlings, why not propose in the privacy and comfort of your own home?

Ron said...

Another fabulous bitchy gossip fest post! I hear that Gwennie isn't speaking to Pink now because Pink got better reviews on their movie.
And I agree with you that Nicole Kidman should not be portraying Princess Grace. But you can bet Nicole will be somewhere sometime saying those immortal words that all Hollywood alumni say at one time or another "I want to thank Harvey Weinstein........."
And Kanye and Kim.....who really cares? Really, WHO CARES?
I love your term for "Fifty Shades of Gray" Mommy porn. Not me either. Ewww!~

the dogs' mother said...

I am soooooo embarrassed for my gender and station in life (mom) with *that* book. I will not even type its name. I am not looking forward to the previews popping up on tv.

anne marie in philly said...

PS - you DO know grace kelly is a philadelphian, right? we are SO proud of her!

Debbie said...

I HATE Chelsea Handler. I don't think she is funny at all, she is just mean and from I hear she only has that shoe because she was banging a big exec. And yes, she REALLY needs to get over the Angelina Jolie-Jennifer Aniston Brad Pitt crap. It was AGES ago. And I agree ... Angelina: "Chelsea who?"

Bruce Jenner. Whether he cross dresses or not the man obviously is missing a pair of gonads. Perhaps Kris owns the only pair and is really a male??

Gwyneth Paltrow ... hate her. What I want to know is what the hell is going on with her and Chris Martin. Remember when she used to be BFF's with Winona Ryder? AND Madonna? Seems Gwynnie's girlfriends tend to break up with her. Maybe because she's a beyotch?

Grace Kelly. I LOVE ME SOME GRACE KELLY! I LOVE anything to do with Monaco. I follow the Grimaldi's ... so am really looking forward to this movie. Although Nicole Kidman is too old to play Grace at 33, she's kind of the only actress who could do it. I can't think of anyone else, can you? Really ...

Katherine McPhee. Who knew? Never thought of her as a homewrecker.

Kim and Kanye ... OH GOD will this shit never end?!? OF COURSE the whole freaking proposal was planned. Please. If Kris Jenner could make $5000 for America to watch Kim take a shit she'd do it. And sadly, probably all of America would watch.

Great, hilarious post as always Bob. I LOVE you "I Ain't One To Gossip" posts.


Debbie said...

SHOW .. I meant SHOW, not SHOE. Ugh.