Anyhoo, let's begin.....The designtestants gather atop a building in Brooklyn, one by one, and let's see what my first impressions are:
Kellie is the perky one. She spends the episode caressing footstools and spilling paint on her breasts--more on that later. She says she's the confetti at the party. Forgive me while I ponder: don't you sweep up confetti after a party and throw it away? just sayin'.
Bret will be the gay nerd, with the obligatory nerd glasses, but the also obligatory gay arm tattoos. He seems kinda no-nonsense. i think I might like him. And then there's Cathy, who arrives carrying her ginormous ego in a Louis Vuitton bag. She tells us she's a mom and a designer and a world traveler, one of the original signers of the Declaration of Independence, and a five-time Emmy-award-winning TV reporter. I might have pushed her off the roof had I been there.
Karl is really rockin' the faded Levi look; a look that always gets me. Plus, he's kinda nerdy, and kinda geeky, and kinda cute. Criminologist Meg breaks free from her collar and attacks the group like a bulldog. She's a fireplug. Seriously, she's shaped like a fireplug. And Tyler comes onto the roof still wearing that friggin' scarf! Someone please tell him that fad is o-v-e-r. He tells us his aesthetic is industrial chic, that he's "married" and has an adopted son, who would be so thrilled if one of his two daddies was on TV.
Doug looks and sounds like a bald, black, Paul Williams [Google it]. That's all I got from him. Though he did say he could design his way out of a cardboard closet, er, box. Blanche is all about the green design, and the glam design, and how green and glam go together. She instantly asks if the other designers have their certifications and Cathy answers yes, then pulls out all her certifications...for design...scuba diving...driving a tractor-trailer...being a lifelong certified bitch.
Kevin calls himself a visual merchandiser, which means he's a window dresser, right? What's wrong with saying you're a window dresser? I'm gonna stop saying I'm a blogger, and start calling myself International Internet Snark Authority and Serial Ranter. He calls himself a closeted designer and, honey, that's the only closet he knows. J is extremely eclectic, hence the initial, and feels like she's already won the competition since she's on the show. J? WTF?
Mark could lose the beard, and by beard, I mean facial hair, but keep that dazzling smile and lush head of hair. And the biggest surprise was Leslie, the former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, who is not as perky as I'd thought. I might like her, too.
Then we meet this year's host. Gone, from years past, is the Brit, Clive, and his saucy accent. Instead, we have Generic Black Woman Number Two, Tanika Ray. I'd already forgotten her, until she introduces HGTV House Gay, David Bromstad, who will mentor our designtestants, and probably talk snark about them too. He will be my BFF this season.
David introduces the CAMERA CHALLENGE, in which the designtestants are given thirty seconds to talk about what their style is, and what they might bring to HGTV. Since this was all we heard about the CAMERA CHALLENGE, and they weren't even judged on it, it seemed like a colossal waste of time.
DESIGN CHALLENGE: Pair up in teams of two and design the penthouse where they will be living.
Cathy and Leslie: Great Room
They get off to a rocky start when Leslie suggests silver and gold, and Cathy pulls out a golden Emmy and says, "This is the ONLY gold going in this room!"
They continue their rocky ways when the dining table Cathy simply had to have wouldn't fit in the elevator, and was simply too posh to take the stairs. Cathy called Leslie and demanded that Leslie fix the problem at once; which she did, while egging Cathy on a bit....which I loved.
Leslie got points for a huge coffin, er, coffee table crafted out of tires. I mean the judges raved about it, and I kept thinking, That's not design, that's shopping. I could'a done that. Cathy, on the other hand, picked out some lush cut velvet fabric that reminded her of tea in the Sahara, or drum beats on the Serengeti, and her Emmy, and made pillows, then stuffed them in a box and called it a bench.
At one point, while finishing the room, Leslie asks if she can move a pillow and Cathy literally shouts [and this is verbatim, y'all]" "Leslie! For the grace of God, just leave it! It's a cream pillow in the center. Please.Leave.It!"
And the Emmy for obnoxious bitch goes to......
Meg and Tyler: Bedroom
Their first job was to get Tyler to take off that scarf, and Meg accomplished that in two-seconds flat. Bravo! She joked that she would make Tyler disrobe, and he said, I'm married" which Meg understood as, "Ew, undress in front of a woman?"
Tyler wanted a four-foot-by-sixteen-foot upholstered headboard, which was then positioned on the wall about eighteen inches above the bed??!! I don't get why anyone would do that, nor why the judges didn't even seem to notice. Of course, it's called a headboard, so maybe it just meant for ones head.
They painted the walls lavender, which is the color of Tyler's aura, and painted the baseboards a deep purple, the color of Meg's soul. Meg tore threw the design like a Pitbull with a bone, and Tyler ambled along, smelling the flowers and fixing his hair.
They got judges props for their uses of fabrics, but not for their lack of accessorizing. A huge bookshelf housed a book, a candle, and the last shreds of Tyler's scarf.
J and Doug: Bedroom
These two were not going to get along. Doug suggested a charcoal wall color, J said No! Doug suggested a graphic wallpaper feature and J said No! Doug suggested J take her initial and shove it up her ass and, well, she thought about upholstered headboards. Their design style was Argumentative Unfinished Chic.
Doug's wallpaper WALL, topped with a round mirror that reflected the view of Manhattan was a huge hit with the judges, while J's upholstered headboards were, well, the unfinished part of their room. J complained that she couldn't do them in the time allotted but, um, Tyler did a giant one in record time, while wearing a scarf! Her headboards were merely fabric strewn over slabs of wood. Sooooo chic.
Poor J....I was ROFLMFAO.
Bret and Kevin: Bedroom
Bret was a little too nice. Kevin suggested teal for the walls, and Bret kindly said, Mmm, maybe not. But then Kevin suggested a restful neon tangerine and Bret let it go. Yup, nothing says relax like a tangerine wall and fireplace.
And nothing says relax like the word 'Realx' chiseled out of plywood and hung unfinished on the wall.
Kevin was charged with accessorizing the room, and he put candles and robots on the shelves, and what looked like a soccer ball on the bed. Odd choices all, but the most telling was a suitcase left out, as if to say, I know, I'm going home, I've already packed.
He might be good, but he needs to think about what he's doing. Throwing anything on a bookshelf is not accessorizing.
And Bret needs to strap on some balls and say No. And he needs to finish a project.
Kellie and Karl: Bonus Room
Kutie Karl and Kutie-Pie Kellie were given the awkward bonus room, with its odd walls and stranger hobbit-like nook under the stairs. But they worked well together, with Kellie turning the hidden nook into a window seat with a view, and Karl creating a tree-like painting technique along some of those crazy bumped out walls.
Those were the highlights. The lowlight of the challenge was Kellie shaking an open can of paint and dousing herself, the floor, and the couch with white paint, and then heading downstairs to meet the judges with an Ivory Semi-Gloss Bosom.
The room wasn't spectacular, really, but it looked finished and polished, and not in need of further design or demolition, like, say, J's sheet-covered plywood headboards.
Blanche and Mark: Bedroom
Oh dear. What can I say?
Well, Mark looked hot with the power tools.
But Blanche's wallpaper insets were cheesy, and crafted poorly. Pieces were coming off during the judges evaluation tour! And something must have snapped because her idea of 'green glam' was to take doily-looking-tea-light holders and screw them to the wall in a random pattern and call it an architectural detail. Honey, I could screw any number of things, or people for that matter, to a wall, and would never call it an architectural detail.
i think when she says 'green glam' she means she's green as a designer, but looks divine doing it.
Mark, poor Mark, chose to build two headboards and room dividers in three days and, naturally, did not finish. No one ever does, and no one ever remembers that no one does. It was a good idea, that the judged liked, but it was not finished, or stained, or painted. it was just odd.
THE JUDGING
Vern Yip climbed the ladder to his seat and called the designers in. Genevieve giggled and purred and made funny faces, while Candice talked design success and failure.
I get it now. Vern's job is used tired cliches and phrases like Wow us and Functional design while Genevieve's job is to be the pesky little sister that everyone wants to finish the story already!
Sidenote: I DVRd the episode, and while watching it back, I nearly gagged when Genevieve appeared to meet the designtestants in too-tight cream pants and an obvious cameltoe. Talk about your design statement! Ack!
So, we have Tiny and Perky, which leaves the divine Candice as the sole judge who talks design and function and execution.
But I digress.
They loved Cathy and Leslie's room. The coffin table was a hit. That nasty bumpy bench, a miss. But they're safe. Leslie lead a cheer, and Cathy fondled her Emmys.
Bret and Kevin got marked down for the orange, the accessories, and the roughhewn Relax, but they got a pass. Kevin squealed and Bret simply nodded.
Meg and Tyler....passed. Doug and J, or as I called them while watching, D &J, passed 2.
Kellie and Karl won the challenge and Karl got the win for his tree paints. Kellie got props for her nook, though I kept thinking How is this good? You have to get on your hands and knees to get to it?
But then I remember Vern...and thought, Oh....Vern-sized design.
Blanche and Mark were Bottom Two and Mark was reamed over not finishing his furniture, though he got props for best hair.
Blanche was pummeled over tacky tiny wallpaper art and nailing metallic doilies to the wall.
Candice slathered her in gold-flecked wallpaper and Vern nailed a doily to her head. She was placed in the tire coffee table and mailed home.
But'cha'are, Blanche, but'cha'are the worst designer.
This week.
Kellie is the perky one. She spends the episode caressing footstools and spilling paint on her breasts--more on that later. She says she's the confetti at the party. Forgive me while I ponder: don't you sweep up confetti after a party and throw it away? just sayin'.
Bret will be the gay nerd, with the obligatory nerd glasses, but the also obligatory gay arm tattoos. He seems kinda no-nonsense. i think I might like him. And then there's Cathy, who arrives carrying her ginormous ego in a Louis Vuitton bag. She tells us she's a mom and a designer and a world traveler, one of the original signers of the Declaration of Independence, and a five-time Emmy-award-winning TV reporter. I might have pushed her off the roof had I been there.
Karl is really rockin' the faded Levi look; a look that always gets me. Plus, he's kinda nerdy, and kinda geeky, and kinda cute. Criminologist Meg breaks free from her collar and attacks the group like a bulldog. She's a fireplug. Seriously, she's shaped like a fireplug. And Tyler comes onto the roof still wearing that friggin' scarf! Someone please tell him that fad is o-v-e-r. He tells us his aesthetic is industrial chic, that he's "married" and has an adopted son, who would be so thrilled if one of his two daddies was on TV.
Doug looks and sounds like a bald, black, Paul Williams [Google it]. That's all I got from him. Though he did say he could design his way out of a cardboard closet, er, box. Blanche is all about the green design, and the glam design, and how green and glam go together. She instantly asks if the other designers have their certifications and Cathy answers yes, then pulls out all her certifications...for design...scuba diving...driving a tractor-trailer...being a lifelong certified bitch.
Kevin calls himself a visual merchandiser, which means he's a window dresser, right? What's wrong with saying you're a window dresser? I'm gonna stop saying I'm a blogger, and start calling myself International Internet Snark Authority and Serial Ranter. He calls himself a closeted designer and, honey, that's the only closet he knows. J is extremely eclectic, hence the initial, and feels like she's already won the competition since she's on the show. J? WTF?
Mark could lose the beard, and by beard, I mean facial hair, but keep that dazzling smile and lush head of hair. And the biggest surprise was Leslie, the former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, who is not as perky as I'd thought. I might like her, too.
Then we meet this year's host. Gone, from years past, is the Brit, Clive, and his saucy accent. Instead, we have Generic Black Woman Number Two, Tanika Ray. I'd already forgotten her, until she introduces HGTV House Gay, David Bromstad, who will mentor our designtestants, and probably talk snark about them too. He will be my BFF this season.
David introduces the CAMERA CHALLENGE, in which the designtestants are given thirty seconds to talk about what their style is, and what they might bring to HGTV. Since this was all we heard about the CAMERA CHALLENGE, and they weren't even judged on it, it seemed like a colossal waste of time.
DESIGN CHALLENGE: Pair up in teams of two and design the penthouse where they will be living.
Cathy and Leslie: Great Room
They continue their rocky ways when the dining table Cathy simply had to have wouldn't fit in the elevator, and was simply too posh to take the stairs. Cathy called Leslie and demanded that Leslie fix the problem at once; which she did, while egging Cathy on a bit....which I loved.
Leslie got points for a huge coffin, er, coffee table crafted out of tires. I mean the judges raved about it, and I kept thinking, That's not design, that's shopping. I could'a done that. Cathy, on the other hand, picked out some lush cut velvet fabric that reminded her of tea in the Sahara, or drum beats on the Serengeti, and her Emmy, and made pillows, then stuffed them in a box and called it a bench.
At one point, while finishing the room, Leslie asks if she can move a pillow and Cathy literally shouts [and this is verbatim, y'all]" "Leslie! For the grace of God, just leave it! It's a cream pillow in the center. Please.Leave.It!"
And the Emmy for obnoxious bitch goes to......
Meg and Tyler: Bedroom
Tyler wanted a four-foot-by-sixteen-foot upholstered headboard, which was then positioned on the wall about eighteen inches above the bed??!! I don't get why anyone would do that, nor why the judges didn't even seem to notice. Of course, it's called a headboard, so maybe it just meant for ones head.
They painted the walls lavender, which is the color of Tyler's aura, and painted the baseboards a deep purple, the color of Meg's soul. Meg tore threw the design like a Pitbull with a bone, and Tyler ambled along, smelling the flowers and fixing his hair.
They got judges props for their uses of fabrics, but not for their lack of accessorizing. A huge bookshelf housed a book, a candle, and the last shreds of Tyler's scarf.
J and Doug: Bedroom
These two were not going to get along. Doug suggested a charcoal wall color, J said No! Doug suggested a graphic wallpaper feature and J said No! Doug suggested J take her initial and shove it up her ass and, well, she thought about upholstered headboards. Their design style was Argumentative Unfinished Chic. Doug's wallpaper WALL, topped with a round mirror that reflected the view of Manhattan was a huge hit with the judges, while J's upholstered headboards were, well, the unfinished part of their room. J complained that she couldn't do them in the time allotted but, um, Tyler did a giant one in record time, while wearing a scarf! Her headboards were merely fabric strewn over slabs of wood. Sooooo chic.
Poor J....I was ROFLMFAO.
And nothing says relax like the word 'Realx' chiseled out of plywood and hung unfinished on the wall.
Kevin was charged with accessorizing the room, and he put candles and robots on the shelves, and what looked like a soccer ball on the bed. Odd choices all, but the most telling was a suitcase left out, as if to say, I know, I'm going home, I've already packed.
He might be good, but he needs to think about what he's doing. Throwing anything on a bookshelf is not accessorizing.
And Bret needs to strap on some balls and say No. And he needs to finish a project.
Kellie and Karl: Bonus Room
Those were the highlights. The lowlight of the challenge was Kellie shaking an open can of paint and dousing herself, the floor, and the couch with white paint, and then heading downstairs to meet the judges with an Ivory Semi-Gloss Bosom.
The room wasn't spectacular, really, but it looked finished and polished, and not in need of further design or demolition, like, say, J's sheet-covered plywood headboards.
Blanche and Mark: Bedroom
Oh dear. What can I say?
But Blanche's wallpaper insets were cheesy, and crafted poorly. Pieces were coming off during the judges evaluation tour! And something must have snapped because her idea of 'green glam' was to take doily-looking-tea-light holders and screw them to the wall in a random pattern and call it an architectural detail. Honey, I could screw any number of things, or people for that matter, to a wall, and would never call it an architectural detail.
i think when she says 'green glam' she means she's green as a designer, but looks divine doing it.
Mark, poor Mark, chose to build two headboards and room dividers in three days and, naturally, did not finish. No one ever does, and no one ever remembers that no one does. It was a good idea, that the judged liked, but it was not finished, or stained, or painted. it was just odd.
THE JUDGING
Vern Yip climbed the ladder to his seat and called the designers in. Genevieve giggled and purred and made funny faces, while Candice talked design success and failure.
I get it now. Vern's job is used tired cliches and phrases like Wow us and Functional design while Genevieve's job is to be the pesky little sister that everyone wants to finish the story already!
Sidenote: I DVRd the episode, and while watching it back, I nearly gagged when Genevieve appeared to meet the designtestants in too-tight cream pants and an obvious cameltoe. Talk about your design statement! Ack!
So, we have Tiny and Perky, which leaves the divine Candice as the sole judge who talks design and function and execution.
But I digress.
They loved Cathy and Leslie's room. The coffin table was a hit. That nasty bumpy bench, a miss. But they're safe. Leslie lead a cheer, and Cathy fondled her Emmys.
Bret and Kevin got marked down for the orange, the accessories, and the roughhewn Relax, but they got a pass. Kevin squealed and Bret simply nodded.
Meg and Tyler....passed. Doug and J, or as I called them while watching, D &J, passed 2.
But then I remember Vern...and thought, Oh....Vern-sized design.
Blanche and Mark were Bottom Two and Mark was reamed over not finishing his furniture, though he got props for best hair.
Blanche was pummeled over tacky tiny wallpaper art and nailing metallic doilies to the wall.Candice slathered her in gold-flecked wallpaper and Vern nailed a doily to her head. She was placed in the tire coffee table and mailed home.
But'cha'are, Blanche, but'cha'are the worst designer.
This week.
I love a Baby Jane reference.
ReplyDeleteI love the scene when Bette Davis disguises her voice so she can order more booze from the liquor store.
*But then I remember Vern...and thought, Oh....Vern-sized design.*
ReplyDeletesnort-kle!
Really helps put all of last night into perspective.
Yes I sadly noticed Genevieve's camel toe also. Her stylist needs to tell her "one size bigger" on the pants, Geni" :)
ReplyDeleteI thought that I was the only one to notice the Genevieve cameltoe. I was my favorite part of the episode!
ReplyDeleteOld Dirty