The Funny Papers

Ed Hall, Nick Anderson, Marc Murphy, Mike Luckovich, Darrin Bell, Joe Heller, Kevin Siers, Steve Sack, Adam Zyglis, Dave Whamond, Michael de Adder, JD Crowe

I Ain't One To Gossip, But ...

A little over a week after Jaime King—after a quick Smart Lookup I’ve discovered is an actress—filed for divorce from her estranged husband Kyle Newman—after a quick Smart Lookup I’ve discovered is a film director—and the requisite ‘parting ways amicably,’ and ‘please respect our privacy,’ the two decided to unleash the messiness.

The instant Jaime filed for divorce, she also obtained a temporary restraining order against Kyle, and sought sole custody of their two sons, but was denied; the dueling former lovers will have to try and play nice while co-parenting. And then all hell broke loose …

Jaime claims her marriage has been horrible for the last six years, and accuses Kyle of isolating her from professional contacts, employers, and friends. Jaime ALLEGES that Kyle flew to Canada in February—where she was filming a movie—and verbally harassed her in the lunchroom; she ALLEGES that Kyle followed her to a friend’s home, screamed at her, and then chased her down with his car; she ALLEGES that Kyle has berated her, told her she’s a bad mother, and that she now lives in fear.

For his part, Kyle ALLEGEDLY told Jaime’s family and friends that she was struggling with addiction and needed help. Kyle ALLEGES that Jaime is a chronic opiate and alcohol user who is not capable of caring for their sons and refuses real treatment; he has ALLEGED that Jaime used drugs while pregnant with their younger son, and they discovered their 20-week-old fetus was addicted to drugs in his mother’s womb. Kyle ALLEGES  Jaime has driven under the influence with the children in the car, and that she once left their son with his nanny during a doctor’s appointment to  make a booze run; he ALLEGES that the nanny had to track down Jaime after the appointment, where she was still shopping for booze. Kyle also accuses a drunk or high Jaime of improperly buckling their youngest into his car seat, not closing the vehicle door, and speeding off. She was flagged down by the nanny and a pedestrian, who saw the child hanging out of the vehicle.

Well, so much for amicable and privacy. Amirite?

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Someone is desperate for attention, but it’s a Kardastrophe, so that’s no shock.

During lockdown, Khloe Kardastrophe has found lots of ways to occupy her time: she’s been caught up in a paternity test as another woman claims Khloe’s Baby Daddy, Tristan ‘I can’t keep my dick to myself’ Thompson, is her Baby Daddy; rumors flew that Khloe was once again pregnant by her serial cheater boyfriend …the aforementioned Thompson; she was dragged over wasting toilet paper in a pandemic; and now this …

Khloe has a new face, y’all, and it’s Number Seven! After she posted the picture, above right, to Instagram to show off her new hair color, most folks were all “Who dis?” Is it FaceTune? Is it a Blow-Up Khloe Doll?

Nope, it’s just another new face, which completes the changing of Khloe Kardastrophe into looking nothing like Khloe Kardastrophe. But it may be a good thing, because now maybe Tristan ‘I can’t keep my dick to myself’ Thompson will think he’s boning a new girl, when he’s really boning the same old Khloe in a new plastic face.

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Y’all can rest easy, because Millionaire Troll Doll, Mary-Kate Olsen’s five-year marriage to Olivier Sarkozy is officially dunzo and she’s been able to secure herself a new place to live.

MKO is renting a mansion in the Hamptons for the Summer because, yeah, she’s a millionaire and no longer homeless.

But it must have been fun to play act like a regular person kicked out of her home by her soon-to-be ex-husband, but even though MKO could no longer live in her apartment she shared with Sarkozy, she did have her pick of an apartment she owns on East 49th Street, and a Bridgehampton home she owned. Pity poor MKO … until she coughed up $325,000 to rent that Hampton’s home.

Sorry, not sorry. One Percent problems don’t interest me.

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Elon Musk and Grimes attempted to seem very hip and cool … and kinda stupid … when they name their son, X Æ A-12 Musk, until the state of California stepped in and said, “Look, we drew the line as Apple.”

Or because you can’t use numbers in a person’s name.

Grimes says that in accordance with California law, their son’s new name is X Æ A-XII. See what they did? They switched out the Arabic numerals for Roman numerals. How clever, except …

The proud parents don’t know how to pronounce the name. Grimes says it’s pronounced: X-A-I A-Twelve, while Elon says it’s pronounced: X-Ash A-Twelve.

I think it’s pronounced: Will-need-therapy-at-age-twelve.

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And now, an ISBL PSA [Public Service Announcement:

Don’t come for comedian and actress Wanda Sykes unless she sends for you …especially if you’re right wingnut and has been actor, Scott ‘Chachi’ Baio.

It all began when presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden said that if you vote for _____, “you ain’t black”. Sykes, former producer/writer for the revival of Roseanne, defended Biden’s remarks on Twitter, saying:

“Biden feels at home speaking to the Black community. He made a joke. Comedy ain’t easy, but he didn’t say 2 go shoot Clorox in our tits. Now, I wouldn’t make a blanket statement to say that voting for [_____] means you’re not Black. I would say that it means you’re not smart.”

Snap. Wanda’s fabulous way with words irked one unemployed actor, Scott Baio, who, like his Orange Idol, took to Twitter to come for Wanda:

“Hey @iamwandasykes why is it okay for @JoeBiden to say something clearly racist but @therealroseanne gets kicked off of her own show that YOU are a writer on, for making a mistake? Is it because you're a full of shit, hack liberal?”

First off, grammar, man; and howsabout some punctuation, too?  Still, as I said, don’t come for Wanda unless she sends for you, because she replied:

“Oh! Hey Chachi. Apologies, I didn’t see you. I’ll keep it short. Joe Biden didn’t say, “Then you ain’t an ape.” Well, let me get back to work ... I hope you enjoy whatever it is that you do.”

Wanda’s ape comment is, of course, referring to Roseanne saying that Obama’s former advisor Valerie Jarrett  is “if the Muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a baby.” And when that happened Wanda quit Roseanne immediately; the star was fired, the show was cancelled and then revived as The Connors. The mistake ‘Chachi’ is referring to is that Roseanne’s racist ‘joke’ wasn’t racist because she thought Jarrett was white.

Chachi really should spend some time honing his craft … whatever that is …and let Wanda handle the funny and the political and the snarky.

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I Didn't Say It ,,,

Dr. Anthony Fauci, paying tribute AIDS activist Larry Kramer, who went from adversary to friend over the years:

“This is a very sad day, not only for me, but for many people who’ve had the opportunity to deal with Larry Kramer. He was a most unusual figure in a very positive sense. He was a firebrand. He had extraordinary courage to speak out and challenge the system that was in place at the time of the early years of HIV/AIDS. As a government official who was trying to do a job to address this, he saw me as the face of the federal government. And we became adversaries. I wasn’t an adversary to him, but boy, he was an adversary to me. He attacked me, he called me a murderer, he called me an incompetent idiot—I mean, publicly. But then, as I got to listen to what he had to say, I realized that he was making some important points that we in the establishment needed to listen to. We became, gradually, friends, and then we became very good friends, and then we became colleagues in the struggle. So it turned out that, you know, I loved the guy. And I think he loved me back. And it was a very interesting journey that we went through together. From the very beginning, when there was no hope, and we were adversaries, to the point where we had extraordinarily effective drugs and were able to save the lives of so many people, that we became sort of old guys together looking back at history and realizing what an amazing journey we’d been through together. So I’m very sad that we lost him. He was just an extraordinary man.”

I love that Kramer and Fauci were adversaries who learned to listen to one another and then work together.

It speaks volumes about both men.

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Dan Levy, Schitt’s Creek actor and creator  and Hot Gay, on his weariness at seeing people hostile about wearing masks:

“I’ve been seeing a lot of viral videos about people who are actively not wearing masks because they perceive it to be an infringement on their freedom, and I suppose, in a way I can understand the frustration of being told what to do, which is why I would like to propose a re-contextualization of this whole thing. Imagine seeing it not as an infringement on your freedom, but rather the simplest, easiest act of kindness that you can do in a day. Not just for yourself, but for other people who might have autoimmune issues. People who, if they were to contract COVID with those issues might have some devastating repercussions. If you have the freedom to leave your house, if you have the good health to leave your house, why not put on a mask, make it your good deed for the day and do something nice for yourself and other people.”

It is the simplest form of kindness, but sadly, with what passes for leadership in our country and sets the example, many people are like _____ and have a Me First, F%k You mentality.

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Kayleigh McEnany, White House Press Liar, defending _____’s Tweets about that debunked Joe Scarborough murder conspiracy theory:

“Mika accused the president of being responsible for 100,000 deaths in this country. That’s incredibly irresponsible. They’ve dragged his family through the mud, they’ve made false accusations that I won’t go through, that I would not say from this podium and they should be held to account.”

First off, you lying asshat, if Mika accused _____ of killing 100,000 people then go after her—even though she’s right. Why go after Scarborough? Oh yeah, narcissistic little baby man.

Fact: 100,000+ Americans have died because the _____ administration bungled the response to the pandemic.

Fact. Take a seat, liar.

PS: In 2015, Kayleigh McEnany called _____ a "racist" and said he made "derogatory" and "hateful" comments about Mexican immigrants.

Five years later she’s his lapdog.

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Dr. Deborah Birx, on if she thinks the country is reopening too soon:

“I think a few things are together. So from the beginning, and I think when we had that first briefing, we talked about 1.2 million to 2.4 million [infected] and 100,000 to 240,000 people succumbing to this incredibly aggressive virus. Those are the figures that we continue to stand by in this first wave and really understanding how to prevent future hospitalizations and future deaths is really what we’re focused on every single day.”

But hey, a few people die so the airlines and oil companies start making millions again. Business is business and as long as it’s just old or poor or black or Latino people, who cares?

That’s how America’s “leaders” feel.

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Kellyanne Conway, White House Cryptkeeper, coming out against mail-in voting:

“People very proudly show up and go to the polls. They really are, I mean they wait in line for, at Georgetown Cupcake for an hour to get a cupcake. So I think they can probably wait in line to do something as consequential and critical and constitutionally significant as cast their ballot. The Democrats don’t like their candidate, they didn’t want Joe Biden to be their nominee, so they’re looking for any which way they can to, to find other methods by which to make him more appealing to the voters.”

Two things Kelly:

#1 how pissed are your hair and makeup people at you, you rabid wet dog?

#2: so, you admit if mail-in voting occurs your president will lose?

#3: Democrats like our candidate, we don’t like yours, because, among a thousand other things, he stood by and let 100,000 people die.

Oh, and _____ votes by mail so how it is right for him and not for the rest of us? Our military men and women all around the world vote by mail\, too.

Asshat. Someone put her leash back on and drag her to the basement.

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Anderson Cooper, CNN, also paying tribute to Larry Kramer:

“Larry Kramer once called me a ‘useless homosexual. I’d never met him, but it really hurt because I admired him so much. A short time after he said it, I went to see a play that he’d written, and he heard I was coming, and he waited after the performance to see me. He came up to me. I expected him to yell at me, but he shook my hand and smiled shyly and said, ‘I’ve said some terrible things about you, Anderson.’ And I said, ‘I know Larry, but that’s OK, and I want to thank you.’ Thirty-two million people have died of AIDS so far,” Cooper concluded. “There’s no vaccine yet, but there is incredibly effective treatment for those who can get it—and prevention. And Larry Kramer played a big part in that. You may not have heard of him or liked him if you did, but to me, he’s a hero, and now he’s gone.”

Larry is a hero and will always be one.

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Bobservations

The other morning, watching the morning news over breakfast, there was a story about a Lance Armstrong documentary, wherein Armstrong compares himself to LeBron James and Michael Phelps, though I forget exactly when they were stripped of their title for using performance-enhancing drugs. But I digress. As I ranted about ‘Lance Armstrong’ Carlos looked at me and nodded in that way that I know means he has no idea of whom I’m speaking.

“Lance Armstrong.”

“Oh.”

Loooooooong pause.

“Do you know who I’m talking about?”

“Neil Armstrong,”

“No.”

“Oh. Who?”

“Lance Armstrong.”

“Oh.”

Loooooonger pause.

“Do you know?”

“No.”

I thought for a minute he either believed a bicyclist rode a bike on the Moon, or that an astronaut won the Tour de France.

I say this to him on a daily basis … ever since he informed me of the law. But Tuxedo really does the big arching back tail straight in the air stretch!

Last week, Wylie, Texas Mayor Pro Tem Jeff Forrester asked Eric Hogue ,Wylie’s  GOP mayor, if Youth With a Mission, could lead a prayer at the next city council meeting. Hogue said in an email that it was a good idea, as long as a man lead the prayer; he cited two Bible verses about women remaining silent in church, saying he takes them literally:

“So I have always requested that a man lead the invocation. I understand not everyone agrees with me, but I can’t go against my conscience.”

After Hogue’s email was posted to Facebook, he clarified his ignorance by saying women can be president, a CEO of a major corporation, or anything they want, but they cannot—because of two Bible verses—lead the invocation at a city council meeting,

Hogue has been mayor of Wylie for 12 years. He is also a pastor; he is also a professional magician who once moonlighted as “Clinky the Clown.”

Maybe it was Clinky at that council meeting? No … even clowns aren’t that dumb.

Meanwhile in that Hot Mess of a Swamp-filled White House … Zach Fuentes, _____’s former deputy chief of staff, won a $3 million federal contract to supply respirator masks to Navajo Nation hospitals in New Mexico and Arizona 11 days after he created a company to sell PPE  in response to the coronavirus pandemic.

Bad news, the Indian Health Service [IHS] says that 247,000 of the masks delivered by Fuentes’ company—at a cost of roughly $800,000—are unsuitable for medical use. An additional 130,400, worth about $422,000, are not the type they asked for.

But, hey, he’s a _____ ally, so just hand him the keys to the vault.

Dear Evangelicals,

Your savior demanded that “our” churches and houses of worship be opened at once, but did he bother to go to church. Nope. He played golf.

I’d ask if you feel stupid now for supporting this lying charlatan, but I know you don’t because, while y’all are a lotta things, you’re not Christians.

Amy Cooper, that white woman who tried to use NYC police officers as her Racism Valet because a black man asked her to leash her dog, has issued a public apology. Cooper said she was sorry and that her call wasn’t motivated by racism:

“I’m not a racist. I did not mean to harm that man in any way.”

Yes, Amy, you are a racist because you clearly felt that adding the word ‘black’ before man would get a quicker response; you are a racist because you began shrieking into the phone as if that evil black bird watcher was physically attacking you.

Cooper has been fired from her job … sorry, not sorry, and the Humane Society saw the video and took her dog away from her.

Good.

COVIDIOTS in Alabama flocked to the beaches over the holiday weekend, creating the perfect petri dish for the virus to spread. And judging by some of the comments of these fools to news media, the Ignorance Virus runs deep in their veins:

One young man said:

“I’m just here just to have fun and meet everybody and be cool, When it’s my time to go, it’s just my time to go.”

It’s not just you you’re affecting and, perhaps, infecting, asshat. That’s the issue; the fact that you think frolicking on the beach is okay even if it kills you, shows that you are brain dead already.

A young woman said:

“Everybody’s gotta [die] somehow. I don’t wanna die but if that’s what God has in store for my life then that’s okay.”

Do me a favor, then, asshat; when you get sick please refuse all medical help and just go … since that’s God’s plan.

Larry Kramer died yesterday. He fought the AIDS pandemic; fought the government who sought to forget about us; fought the medical community which tried to treat us as less than; fought the pharmaceutical companies who sought to make coins off our lives …and deaths.

He spoke for us when we couldn’t say how we felt; Larry told our stories for all the world to hear.  In a world growing louder by the second, Larry’s voice, full of anger, resentment and hope was the strongest one out there.

He took on presidents and corporations and hospitals and mainstream America. He made sure we were seen and heard.

He acted up, he acted out, he stood up, and he spoke out.

Larry Kramer is a hero. Rest now …

Now … Charles Leclerc is a Monégasque racing driver, currently driving in Formula One for Ferrari, and hotttie fashion model.

He looks like a tasty little morsel.

Ooh.La.La.

Architecture Wednesday: Casa Deco

This is yet another attempt of mine to sway Carlos about retiring in Merida, on Mexico’s Yucatan Peninsula.

This house, in the historic center of Merida, is a renovation of a once run-down home transformed into a breathtaking house with an old-world vibe influenced by a more modern atmosphere.

It’s Casa Deco. The project is part of an ongoing initiative in Merida to preserve the historic integrity of the downtown core. Rather than razing these crumbling older buildings—like many cities do—and replacing them with new ones, the old buildings are repurposed and retrofitted, preserving their style.

Deco House already had the traditional architectural style of its name, although this wasn’t always the case. Research revealed that it initially was not created in this style but that its facade was remodeled to make the building resemble the local historical cityscape.

But, rather than go back to its unmatched roots or change the facade to something entirely different, designers leaned into the home’s slightly unconventional history and adapted the building as though it was always rooted in deco architecture and design. The project merged into a mix of both traditional architecture and a more modern aesthetic. It has all the amenities of contemporary living amid details and decor that hearken back to more culturally and historically time.

The design team carefully balanced and reinterpreted each space in the house, while allowing other spaces, the courtyard, balconies, and terraces, to keep a more traditional feel, even with the addition of a pool. Other parts of the house were too antiquated to be left as is, so the kitchen and bathrooms were modernized; windows were updated but kept their old-style appeal.

Some things in the house like the central winding staircase, which seems original, was built entirely new for practicality, while the original stone walls were repaired but otherwise remain as they have for decades. In places where new interior structures were built, designers worked in locally sourced and repurposed timber with a natural stain, keeping things accurate and historical.

It’s a great blend of what was and what can be. Now, if I could just get Carlos onboard …

As always, click to emBIGGERate ...

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