I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

When last we left Jenna Dewan, formerly Tatum, she was complaining a bit about being blindside by her ex-husband Channing’s new girlfriend while Jenna herself already had a new boyfriend and was already knocked up.

It’s a pity party of one, and a play for attention. But now comes the ugly … while the Tatum’s quickly divorced so they could quickly move on to the next one, their custody battle for rages on.

Jenna is claiming her movie star husband is a deadbeat dad because when he has their daughter, Everly, he won’t let Jenna FaceTime with her. To make matters worse, Jenna says when she has Everly, Channing never calls. Meanwhile, Channing is claiming that Jenna is just “so difficult” that he FaceTimes Everly through the nanny.

Remember when they were madly in love? They don’t.

Jenna also claims that Channing doesn’t pay his share of child support, while Channing points to a “joint account with community funds that cover Everly’s expenses.” And lastly, the couple has to go to court to get a judge to declare what Everly’s holiday schedule will be because the two of them cannot agree on a single date.

Lemme clear this up for the couple, and play Fortune Teller … Everly will grow up and one day she will Google her parents and see them all lovey dovey on a Monday, divorcing on a Tuesday, hooking up with some else on a Wednesday, and, in Mama’s case, pregnant by Thursday, and then fighting over their child because they’re so pissed at one another they don’t even see what they’ve done to their daughter,

Nice.

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Wendy Williams is so thirsty for attention that she talks about rumors about herself that don’t even exist.

It seems Wendy took an entire segment on her show recently to refute a Radar Online piece entitled “Sorry Whitney! Houston’s Lesbian Lover Robyn Crawford Now BFFs With Wendy Williams” which Wendy seems to think outed her as a lesbian.

BFF, Wendy, in case you don’t know, is Best friends Forever, and isn’t some kind of underground lesbian code.

Take a seat, and have a drink. You’re clearly parched.

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The only thing big about Tom Cruise, other than his ego, are the lifts in his, ALLEGEDLY, size six shoes. I mean, the bitch is tiny.

And the creator of Jack Reacher, played by Tiny Tom in two films, Lee Child, has always maintained that Tom was too tiny to be Jack, but now he’s also saying Cruise is too old:

 “I’ve never seen him in bare feet. He wears Timberland boots with a decent sole on them. [But] he is absolutely average height … All actors are small.”

Well, Tom won’t be playing Jack Reacher anymore, because according to Lee, he had a clause in his contract that allowed him to leave after two films; and since neither film was very successful, Tiny Tom is out.

Lee—who claims to like Cruise—also thinks Tiny Tom is past his prime and should give up the action and maybe reboot the Ironside franchise and play the cop in the wheelchair:

“He’s too old for this stuff. He’s 57, he needs to move on, transition to being a character actor. He could get another 20 years out of it. He is talented. He’s a terrific guy, very considerate, good fun.”

But old. And short. I mean, you can shove an insert in your shoe to make yourself appear taller, but short of the Lucille Ball in Mame filter, you cannot appear to be younger.

That wheelchair role is looking better and better.

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This week a series of photographs appeared of Justin Timberlake holding hands with his co-star Alisha Wainwright at a bar in New Orleans; there were also shots of the pair entering and exiting Justin’s trailer onset.

No big deal, except, Missus Timberlake, Jessica Biel. But maybe she doesn’t care because in this day of signaling that your marriage is over—showing up on Instagram without your wedding ring—Biel is still wearing her diamond. And maybe it’s because, after years of marriage and years of Timberlake is cheating rumors, Jessica is all …

Shiz, he was just holding her hand? Bitch please.

Insiders to the Timberlake-Biel arrangement say that Justin and Jessica are “going to move on from this,” and his friends just say he likes to get drunk and hold hands with his pretty co-workers.

Nothing to see here, folks!

Right.

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Eighty-two-year-old Bill Cosby, who is spending the next several years in prison, recently gave an interview in which he says he just loves prison.

Uh huh. Sexual predator Cosby is doing his thing in jail and when it comes time for his parole hearing, he promises that you will not hear one ounce of remorse from him for ALLEGEDLY drugging and sexually assaulting over fifty women throughout his entire life:

“I have eight years and nine months left… When I come up for parole, they’re not going to hear me say that I have remorse. I was there. I don’t care what group of people come along and talk about this when they weren’t there. They don’t know. I’ve got a wife and a family, and friends, not in prison, who are so happy that I have something, that my spirit is up.”

Seriously, he isn’t remorseful but he’s delusional AF if he goes before the parole board and says he isn’t sorry.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Jamie Lee Curtis, promoting the new mystery thriller Knives Out, was asked about the sexual orientation of her Halloween character, and then talked outing of LGBTQ+ people:

“I don’t think it’s anybody’s business what people’s sexuality is, to be perfectly honest. I find it like a reverse discrimination. People’s private lives are their private lives and whether I’ve ever kissed a girl—have not—is irrelevant to whatever advocacy I participate in. [It’s] sort of destructive cocktail party fodder what people’s sexuality is, [it’s] nobody’s business, it doesn’t matter [unless] you legislate anti-gay legislation but are gay. I fully accept outing those people for the hypocrisy.”

While I believe every LGBTQ+ person should come out, I also believe it’s a personal choice, and a personal time, to do so.

That said, I’m 100% with Jamie Lee that every single self-loathing closeted politician who works against the LGBTQ+ community should be outed at every turn.

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Roy Moore, bigot, homophobe, pedophile, U.S. Senate and former Alabama Chief Justice candidate, wanting to ‘go back’:

“We have got to go back to what we did back in the sixties and seventies back to a moral basis. Abortion was not legal when I went to Vietnam. It was passed later. We had abortion laws in our country and our state. We did not have same sex marriage. We did not have transgender rights. Sodomy was illegal. These things were just not around when my classmates and I went to West Point and Vietnam. We have drag queens teaching kindergarten children in this state and this community….in Huntsville in Mobile they taught kids and they dress them up in drag. Where does this come from? Gender identity is being taught in California to young kids and parents have no choice but to let their kids be taught that.”

Roy would also like to go back to black people at the back of the bus … or in chains.

Rpy Moore can fuck off.

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Adam Schiff, saying _____ should have the “courage” to testify, but isn’t going to take him to court to compel it:

“We’ve certainly been in touch with his lawyer and what we’ve been informed by his lawyer because we invited him and he did not choose to come in and testify … is if we subpoena him, they will sue us in court. Now, he will have to explain one day if he maintains that position why he wanted to wait to put it in a book instead of telling the American people what he knew when it really mattered to the country.”

_____ will never testify because his ego is so big he’ll believe he can say anything and still be found not guilty.

Plus, he’s a chickenshit little draft-dodging asshat.

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Fiona Hill, former top White House Russia adviser, at the impeachment hearings  asking to respond to Republican attacks, after three GOP congressmen in a row used their five-minute question allotments to criticize the impeachment inquiry and its witnesses:

"I don't believe there should be any interference of any kind in our election. ... That's actually why as a nonpartisan person and as an expert on Russia and an expert on Vladimir Putin and on the Russian security services, I wanted to come in to serve the country to try to see if I could help. ... We're here to relate to you what we heard, what we saw and what we did. And to be of some help to all of you in really making a very momentous decision here. We are not the people who make that decision."

She said this as two of three GOP congressman who were there to get testimony from her, testified themselves, and then left the room like the pandering little lapdogs all Republicans seems to be right now.

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Michael Steele, former Republican National Committee Chairman, blasting that organization for buying nearly $100,000 worth of copies Junior’s book:

"Let me just tell you how screwed up this is. Before I became national chairman, I’d written a book on how the Republican Party can regroup after the 2008 shellacking, after the 2006 bang-up at the polls and move forward. And people looked at me and said, 'How dare you write a book and try to profit off the RNC?' And these SOBs are just giving away $100,000 to [_____’s} son? Are you kidding me? This is the kind of internal corruption that people complained about inside the RNC for a long time. ... There’s no surprise here."

GOP. Lapdogs. Goose-stepping.

Out of fear of losing their cushy jobs, not of doing the right thing for their country.,

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Rick Perry, Energy Secretary, going off the deep end on FOX & Friends:

“God’s used imperfect people all through history. King David wasn’t perfect, Saul wasn’t perfect, Solomon wasn’t perfect. I actually gave the president a little one-pager on those old testament kings about a month ago. And I shared it with him and said, ‘Mr. President, I know there are people that say you said you were the chosen one, and I said, ‘You were.’ I said, ‘If you’re a believing Christian, you understand God’s plan for the people who rule and judge over us on this planet in our government.'”

If God chose ______, then She chose him to show us what happens when we elect a snake-oil salesman She chose him to show that those so-called Evangelicals are nothing more than racist illiterate tools. She chose him to show where we are headed when Hate takes over.

And She’s not happy that anyone thinks _____ is the real Chosen One.

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Thank.Full.

I first posted a version of this back in Ott-Eight, a few days after I started this here blog thing, and have edited it, as need be, and reposted it every year, to remind me of where I was then, what I thought then, and what I wanted out of life. And every year as I repost it, I realize that the more things change the more they stay the same.

Now, not to brag, but I've been told that I am an extremely polite person. I was raised on Please and Thank You, Yes Ma'am, No Sir, and I still act that way today.

True story: I was selected for jury duty when we lived in Miami and when it was my turn to be questioned, I stood up in the very narrow aisle and put my hands behind my back. As I was questioned, I replied Yes sir and No Sir. The judge stopped and smiled.

"Are you in the military?" he asked.

"No, sir" I said. "I was raised by a military man and a Southern woman."

True story: A few years before that, while living in California, I was in a grocery store buying a birthday cake for a co-worker. I asked if I may please order a cake. May I please have a name iced onto it? I pleased and thank you'd my way through the entire process and finally the girl left to finish my order. But, just before disappearing, she turned and said, “I think you are the politest person I've ever waited on."

I smiled and said, "Could you just shut up, please, and ice my damn cake!"

When all else fails slip into sarcasm. That's my motto, and I’m thankful for that. But I digress.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, probably because there are no gifts involved, except for the gift of time; time spent with loved ones and friends; the gift of thanks. A day of thanks; a truly American holiday, like 4th of July, but one we celebrate not with picnics and beer, firecrackers and sparklers, but with a meal shared with friends and family, and pets, always the pets.

I have so much to be thankful for again this year. Yes, the usual family and friends and health and happiness, blah blah blah, everyone says that. But I am also thankful, in some ways, that we are an America that has changed so much this year and, fingers crossed, an America trying to find its way out of the darkness we’ve felt for a while now.

It looks bleak; hell, it feels bleak, but people will do better when they know better. You just have to stand up and demand better from those we elect. As a gay man I know all too well that … cue PSA music … It Gets Better.

Sure, I’m still free and a little more equal than I was a few years back, though there are still some that would like to see that change, but I am sensing more hope than last year; more standing up for ourselves and others, when we see others being abused and mistreated. And it feels like the pendulum may be swinging back towards understanding and acceptance, and the hope that we had for a few years. I am thankful for that.

Eighteen years ago, when we began this ride, Carlos and I couldn’t be legally married anywhere in America, and here we are now, married for five years … in South Carolina … and every single state in this country.  I am still thankful for that. And let me be clear … even with the Hate Speech coming from all over this country, and sadly, in our own White House, they will never be able to take that away from us; we are husband and husband and that’s how it will stay. That bell cannot be unrung, no matter who says what.

Trust. And be thankful.

I am thankful for the years I had with my sister—I miss her every single day—because of the things she taught me and continues to teach me. I am grateful to her four daughters, all of whom she raised so well that when Carlos and I told them we were getting married, they all responded, “Now he really is our Uncle.”

I am thankful for my Dad. He didn’t ask for a gay son, but he got one; he didn’t know what to do with a gay son, but he did the best he could. And, when the time came to marry Carlos, it made my Dad’s day that he could be there. I wish every gay person could have a Dad like mine, who sees that change is good, and sees that not everyone is alike—even in your own family—but who loves you just the same. I still get goosebumps when I hear my Dad tell people and his son and his husband. Who knew that would happen?

I am thankful to my Mom, especially today. Thanksgiving was her holiday; cooking for her family was my mother’s greatest joy and a great gift to all of us. I am thankful that I can keep that tradition alive and can see my Mom in myself as Carlos and I cook dinner for friends. I am thankful for her kindness, even to those who were unkind to her; I am grateful for her laughter, which I can still hear in my head, and the way she would say, ‘Bye bye, sweetie, I love you,’ as we ended a phone call.

I am thankful for cold mornings and blue skies … colored leaves falling. I am thankful for small dogs and cats because, well, I'm bigger than them and I will always beat them ... just channeling a little Joan Crawford and Christina at the pool.

I am thankful for Carlos. Every.Single.Day. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about how lucky I am to have him; even the days when he makes me insane … more insane … I realize I’d rather be driven nuts by him than not to have him in my life at all. I am thankful for the smirk he gives me; I am thankful for the look of horror on his face when I bust out a showtune; I am just plain thankful. I don’t know where I’d be, or who I’d be, if I hadn’t met him all those years ago.

I am thankful for music and pets and soft blankets and breathing and speaking, and having a voice to use, and use often. I realize we are still facing a tough time in this country, where fear is being used to urge hate towards refugees fleeing their homeland … fear of our transgender brothers and sisters … fear of immigrants … in a land filled with, and built by, immigrants.

I am hopeful, and thankful, that this country will once again stand against hate and divisiveness; that we stand for one another and not against one another; that we will stand up to those who hate; speak out against those who use fear to intimidate others; resist those who are untruthful.  I am thankful that more and more people are standing up for those who may not feel like anyone would ever stand for them.

I am thankful for that … and thinking being feeling loving breathing laughing crying living and speaking.

For Life … and all it encompasses.

To Life.

Thanks.

Architecture Wednesday: False Bay

False Bay is a single-family home sited to take in the sweeping views of Haro Strait and the Olympic Mountains. A 15-foot-tall opaque entry door pivots open to reveal a view of the Sound through a double-height glazed living and dining space. Light and solar heat gain can be adjusted with four, 20-foot-tall exterior sliding wood shutters that extend across the entire west facade. Deep roof overhangs also provide shade and cover from direct sunlight and storms, while the hopper window above the entry door helps to naturally ventilate the house.

There were existing agricultural buildings on site, so the architects took a cue from those buildings, and incorporated steeply pitched roofs, open interiors, and loft spaces.  

There is also a small 500-square-foot writer’s cabin on this property, you know, for blogging … or not.

OneKindDesign

Olson Kundig

The Daughter's Ex-Boyfriend Dates Her Daddy, Making Him Her Step-Daddy?

I don’t wanna throw stones but this is all kinds of skeevy to me …

Barrie and Tony Drewitt-Barlow are, or were, called Britain's 'first gay dads' after they became famous in 1999 when they welcomed twins Saffron and Aspen via a surrogate. The two men later won the legal right to both be be named as parents on a birth certificate, in a landmark ruling for LGBTQ parenting.

The two men also welcomed a son, Orlando, in 2003 and twins Jasper and Dallas in 2010.

Now, the Drewitt-Barlows, after 32 years together, are divorcing because one of the dads, Barrie, 50, has fallen "head over heels"  in love with his daughter Saffron's ex-boyfriend, 25-year-old Scott Hutchison.

Yes.

And, to make it all the more kinda icky, both men, and their five children, and Barrie’s new decades-younger lover, Scott, are all living together in the same home in Florida.

Scott, who is bisexual, had previously dated Barrie and Tony's daughter Saffron, but Barrie, now in his own relationship with Scott, says their relationship was never sexual and the two were more like "friends".

I wonder if Saffron felt that way.

Maybe so, because Barrie says that, after some initial hesitation, Saffron is now "so supportive" of his relationship with Scott, as is Barrie’s soon-to-be ex-husband.

Boyfriend becomes daddy?

Okurrrrrr…..?

Look, whatever works, right, but if I were the girl'sfather and I felt some kinda way about her ex-boyfriend, young enough to be my son, I'd still stay away from that mess, and perhaps look at other gay fish in the homo-ocean.

Attitude UK

Tuesday Thought #3

Tuesday Thought #2

Tuesday Thought #1

You Need To Calm Down, Reid Arthur Is Gay

Reid Arthur is a senior theater major at Christian college George Fox University in Portland, Oregon. He has participated in the school’s annual lip-sync battle, but this year Reid chose a couple of Taylor Swift tunes; first was ‘…Ready for It?’ and then it morphed into ‘You Need to Calm Down.’

When the lyrics, ”Cause shade never made anybody less gay’ play, Arthur’s backup dancers rip off his coat to reveal a white T-shirt with rainbow strings hanging from its sleeves.

He’s out, he’s proud, and he did so at a school that has denounced LGBTQ+ issues and stood up against same-sex marriage.

The crowd gave Arthur a standing ovation and he won first place, which was $500 he says he plans to donate to an LGBTQ organization.

Congratulations Reid, and welcome out in spectacular fashion. And please accept as our gift the Official Coming Out Toaster Oven and a copy of The Gay Agenda.

Welcome out.

I Should Be Laughing: Things Change, Home Changes

It was a dream.  It was the dream. It was her dream becoming reality. Renny paused inside the doorway, the smell so overwhelming it sickened her, as did the music; Mother’s music, echoing throughout the first floor and pricking her eardrums. Standing by the door, her hand on the knob, she waited for the iron bars to drop across the doors and windows, waited for the locks to latch, leaving her alone in the house with the hands, and the shears. But the flowers…these flowers…

These weren’t roses. Renny stared, baffled by the immense bouquet of odd flowers on the entry table: Nasturtium and Irises from the Forever Fields, the pink, orange and red buds ringed by the brilliant purple blossoms of California Wild Lilac, lush Scotch Bloom and Evergreen Rhododendron. All these glorious flowers and blooms and buds, twigs and scrub, gathered from the edge of Skeleton Road, from the side yard and the Forever Fields, the brim of the cliff, sprouted from a green glass urn in the center of the foyer.

Stumbling upon the hastily arranged flowers, and reeling in their sweet perfume, which ran amok in the front hall, Renny exhaled deeply, and relaxed. Flowers everywhere and not a rose in sight; nor were there chrysanthemums or lilies; no daisies. Only these tangy, brightly colored blooms the likes of which she had never seen in this house, at least not in her dreams or her childhood.

And it wasn’t only flowers, the scent filling the air with vibrant color, there was also music. A sultry voice wafted from the back parlor, and Renny closed her eyes, summoning up the house of her childhood, full of flowers and music to ward off the impending gloom of a visit from Grandmother. It was Sarah Vaughan, singing…Summertime… in the back of the house; Renny could practically hear the dust motes in the decades old vinyl, the lyrics sounding warped and wobbly.

“Harry?” She called out, running her palm over the downy petals, puncturing her finger on a scotch bloom as she lifted a lilac from the crystal vase. Enraptured by the bouquet, she didn’t hear her brother come from the kitchen.

“You like the flowers?” With only socks upon his feet, and dressed in a ragged pair of Levis and thick sweater, Harry came wandering into the foyer, wiping his hands on a checkered dish towel he had casually flung over one shoulder. “Wyatt picked them from the yard. He thought we’d had our fill of roses.”

“They’re lovely.” Twirling the stem of the lilac between her fingers like a Fourth of July sparkler, Renny grudgingly took her eyes off the flowers and smiled at him. “I can’t believe they’ve been here all this time and we never…”

She stopped when she saw a grin flood Harry’s face.

“Far too common!” Brother and sister shouted in unison, mimicking Grandmother Pierce’s oft-repeated phrase.

“My goodness, Barbara Jean.” Renny sharply cried. “You can’t fill the house with such shoddy flowers. What—.”

“—will people think?” Harry finished the sentence with a slight snicker, and then said, dryly, “I think these are better than roses any day.”

“Mmmm.” Renny agreed; then she startled herself and Harry when she quickly leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. He barely heard her say, “Thank you.”

The Funny Papers

David Horsey, Nick Anderson, Jim Morin, Scott Stantis, John Cole, Clay Bennett, Bill Day, John Deering, Jack Ohman, Phil Hands

I Ain't One To Gossip, But ...

Tis the season for holiday giving and our BFF here at I Should Be Laughing, my most favoritest gal pal, Gwyneth Paltrow has some dazzling gift ideas for you and yours!

Ready? Let’s go …

Howsabout a BDSM Restraining Arts Kit? The kit includes leather restraints and a “leather bound paddle” perfect for spanking your partner’s ass, and it can be yours for the special holiday price of $1,350.00. Ouch, indeed.

Now, if that ass spanking hurts your partner more than you intended, get he, or she, their very own supply of Bamboo Toilet Paper for $35 a package. Wipe your ass in style … green style!

But what happens if that ass paddling leaves your hindquarters on fire? Well, Gwynnie also offers a $250 hand-forged Copper Fire Extinguisher to ease the pain.

And when everyone feels better, help yourselves to a cup of coffee with GOOPs special coffee make that sells for just $495.

Don’t drink coffee, you say, well then get in line for $80 Smokey Quartz Crystal-Infused Water Bottle. Water takes so much better when you drink it from an eighty-dollar bottle, you know.

But be careful; sometimes life gets busy and you forget to drink water, so Paltrow is also offering a Hydration Reminder for just $30 that attaches to your $80 water bottle and blinks “when your sipping has slipped.”

Order now, operators are standing by. And God bless us everyone, and God bless Gwyneth Paltrow for knowing exactly what you need this Christmas.

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Nicolas Cage used to be big—the man won an Oscar, fer chrissakes—but lately, well, he’s known more for bad choices, on screen and off—like his three second marriage last summer.

Now, however, he may have his most daring role ever! You see, Nicholas Cage is hoping to star in a new film, The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, playing none other than … Nicholas Cage.

Oh, but he is; if the deals close, Nicholas Cage would star as actor Nicolas Cage, who is desperate to get a role in a new Quentin Tarantino movie while also dealing with a strained relationship with his teenage daughter and having long chats with a 1990s version of himself who berates him for making too many crappy movies and for not being a star anymore.

Fingers crossed that Cage nails that audition.

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It’s murder when your mama is disappointed in you, but when your mama is the frickin’ Queen of England—and, no, I don’t mean Elton—it’s got to be especially embarrassing.

In the wake of his “friendship” with Jeffrey Epstein, who ran an underage sex trafficking ring to supply underage girls to the 1%, Prince Andrew will no longer perform any of his royal duties because his mother, The Queen, pushed him out, with a last kick and shove from his older brother Prince Charles.

Andrew’s dismissal comes just days after an interview with the BBC about his buddy Epstein. Andrew thought he killed it, but the rest of the world WTF’d so loudly The Queen had no choice but to give him the boot.

Andrew will still be invited to stand on the palace balcony during major Royal Family events, and he will still be able to call himself Prince Andrew—though I believe the title Randy Prince Andy has been retired—and will still receive money from The Queen’s private funds. But he will no longer be entitled to his annual £249,000 Sovereign Grant, because that money goes towards official royal expenses and he has none.

All he has left is a mama who is so very disappointed. And embarrassed.

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Could it be? Say it isn’t so! Are Miley Cyrus and Cody Simpson finished?

You remember that Miley was married to Liam Hemsworth, and then they split. In a series of Tweets, she asked for time to heal but in a nanosecond after the Tweet hit the web, Miley had hooked up with Kaitlynn Carter and declared herself to be off dick.

And yet again, while those Tweets were still spanking new, Miley had tossed Kaitlynn aside for Cody Simpson, claiming he was just the kind of dick she needed … in a series of Tweets.

And here we are again. Miley and Cody are ALLEGEDLY over because these two media whores have suddenly stopped posting their every move on social media.

I hear she’s already moved on, though, to a giant bong and a case of Doritos.

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I may have to end this weekly feature because, as of this moment, I’ve heard every-f%king-thing …

This week I learned that about 25 years ago Julia Roberts, just breaking big as America’s sweetheart, was one Hollywood executive’s first choice to play …

… Wait for it …

… It’s epic …

… You won’t believe your ears …

… I’m still stunned …

slavery abolitionist, and black woman, Harriet Tubman.

Seriously. Screenwriter Gregory Allen Howard, who has been working on the film for 25 years, said that a “then-president” of some sublabel of a studio told him how good the script was, but suggested Roberts be the one to play Harriet. And … AND … when the lone person of color in the room told this buffoon that Harriet Tubman was a black woman, this man replied:

“That was so long ago. No one will know that.”

Yup. Put Julia Roberts in it and she’ll make everyone forget that the “Underground Railroad woman” was black.

Again … seriously.

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