A Golden Stream of Consciousness

“Good evening ladies and remaining gentlemen.”

And thus began the first awards show of the season, following the season of scandal, and by that I don’t mean that Kerry Washington show. It could have been a tough night, but Seth Meyer, hosting for the first time, really pulled it off; he went for the jokes, even some of the tougher ones, but he got laughs for nearly all of them.

“It’s 2018, marijuana is finally allowed and sexual harassment finally isn’t.”

Dwayne Johnson, who some call The Rock while I think he’s more of An Eraser Head, and Gal Gadot, present the first award of the evening: BEST ACTRESS IN A LIMITED SERIES OR TV MOVIE … Nicole Kidman, Big Little Lies … She had me getting weepy when she said to her husband, Keith Urban, “When my cheek is against yours, everything melts away, and that’s love.”

Viola “Fierce” Davis and Helen “Fiercer” Mirren present BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE … “Supporting actors aren’t really supporting. They’re simply great performances … with not as many lines … or close-ups … or personal make-up artist … or remuneration.” … Sam Rockwell, Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri

Zac Efron … who couldn’t look any smarmier … I swear he’ll be the next generations George Hamilton … Google it … introduced Best Film Comedy or Musical nominee The Greatest Showman

“This was the year of little big lies and get out. And also the television movie Little Big Lies and the movie Get Out.”

Carol Burnet and one of the Friends, Jennifer something, are up to present BEST ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES MUSICAL OR COMEDY to Rachel Brosnahan, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel … but first Burnet gets a long standing ovation, after which she looks at Aniston and says, “I’m happy you’re coming back to TV because Will & Grace is one of my favorite shows.” Jennifer then asks if she can tug Carol’s ear and, well, Jennifer looked likes she was especially pleased that pot is now perfectly legal in California. The two women then present the BEST ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES DRAMA to Elisabeth Moss, The Handmaid’s Tale

Sarah Paulson presents a clip from The Post, a Spielberg film with Streep and Hanks …. And Paulson!

Kerry Washington and … HOT MAN ALERT … Garrett Hedlund …. BEST ACTOR IN A TV SERIES DRAMA to  … HOT MAN ALERT … Sterling K. Brown, who praises writer and creator Dan Fogleman for writing a “role for a black man that could only be played by a black man, so what I appreciate is that I am being seen for who I am and being appreciated for who I am. It makes it much more difficult to dismiss me or anybody who looks like me.” Brown is the first Black actor to ever win this award.

“For the male nominees, this is the first time in three months it won’t be terrifying to hear your name read aloud.”

Roseanne Barr and John Goodman, rebooting Roseanne this spring present BEST TV SHOW DRAMA to … she’s as shrill and obnoxious as ever … I love Roseanne Conner, I loathe Roseanne Barr …The Handmaid’s Tale.

Seth Rogan presents a clip from James Franco’s The Disaster Artist which may or may not be the story of my opinion of James Franco.

“The Hollywood Foreign Press … three words designed to infuriate our president. Hollywood. Foreign. Press. The only name that would make him angrier would be Hillary Mexican Salad Association.”

NPH and Christina Hendricks present BEST SUPPORTING IN A TV MOVIE to … HOT MAN ALERT … Alexander Skarsgård, Big Little Lies

Next up, Mariah Carey, waddling out in a too tight dress, but then every dress on Mimi is too tight, and … HOT MAN ALERT … Common, to present BEST ORIGINAL SCORE to Alexandre Desplat, The Shape of Water. Keith Urban and Kelly Clarkson come out to sing their parts … BEST ORIGINAL SONG to “This Is Me” from The Greatest Showman.

Octavia Spencer introduces a clip of The Shape of Water … where the Creature from the Black Lagoon gets a girlfriend … no, seriously.

Emma Stone and Shirley MacLaine, looking fabulous, give the BEST ACTOR IN A MOTION PITCURE MUSICAL OR COMEDY to James Franco, The Disaster Artist. I thank the goddess for DVRs and fast forward.

Next up we have Sharon Stone, nearing one hundred, I kid, looking scorchingly hot, and JK Simmons to present BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES OR MOVIE to Laura Dern as the bitchy misunderstood Renata in Big Little Lies.

“It’s time to address the elephant not in the room: Harvey Weinstein isn’t here tonight, but I’ve heard rumors he’s crazy and difficult to work with. Don’t worry, he’ll be back in twenty years when he becomes the first person to be booed during the In Memoriam …” the audience groans … “It’ll sound just like that.”

Allison Janney, what’s with the bird, and … HOT MAN ALERT … Sebastian Stan give us a clip of I, Tonya …and Tonya Harding is there in the room, though I’m sure she was searched for pipes and such.

Eraser Head is back to present his extremely uncomfortable looking daughter as the Golden Globes Ambassador … a job that was once called Miss Golden Globes, but I guess was changed in the new era.

Kate Hudson…. The dress is bad, but the hair is so Michelle Williams and … HOT MAN ALERT … Aaron Taylor Johnson, present BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MUSICAL OR COMEDY MOVIE to Allison Janney, who appears sans bird, for I, Tonya. She thanks director Craig Gillespie and I think, Hmmm, he’s adorable.

Catherine Zeta Jones presents with her father-in-law, Kirk Douglas, who is 101 years old. Nice to see him, but clearly, he has difficulty speaking and it’s cringeworthy that they make him do it. They present BEST SCREENPLAY MOTION PICTURE to Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri

Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant team up for BEST FOREIGN FILM to In The Fade …and then SJP disappears and Hugh introduces a clip from Dunkirk

The cast of the upcoming The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story … HOT MAN ALERT … Edgar Ramirez … Penelope Cruz, Ricky Martin and Darren Criss present BEST ACTOR IN A TV DRAMA to Ewan MacGregor for Fargo who thanked both his wife and his new girlfriend. How continental!

Halle Berry, looking rode hard and out away wet, presents a clip of Get Out a great film.

Emilia Clarke and Kit Harrington … kinda hot, but no alert … give the BEST TV SERIES MUSICAL OR COMEDY to The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel … and then present BEST ACTOR IN A TV SERIES MUSICAL OR COMEDY … Clarke calls Eric McCormack ‘Erin’ McCormack … to Aziz Ansari for Master of None. I don’t get Ansari; never have, never will. He’s like a Middle Eastern Will Ferrell to me.

“They’re going to do another season of House of Cards. Is Christopher Plummer available? I hope he can do a southern accent because Kevin Spacey couldn’t.” … the audience groans… “Oh. Is that mean? To Kevin Spacey?”

Reese Witherspoon introduces the winner of the Cecil B DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award: Oprah Winfrey. Seriously. And Reese makes a point of saying how great Oprah’s hugs are but when Oprah comes onstage their hug is as stiff and lifeless as Oprah’s film career. I don’t care for O, sue me. I will say, though, that, except for the parts when she talked about herself, her speech was powerful and rousing and felt sort of like she was announcing a run for the presidency, which makes me think I oughta make a run for Canada. No more TV stars as presidents, people. Weren’t Reagan and _____ enough for y’all?

Natalie Portman and Ron Howard present the award for BEST DIRECTOR … and Portman makes an observation when she adds, “Here are the all-male nominees.” … to Guillermo del Toro, The Shape of Water.

Emma Watson and Robert Pattinson give the award for BEST LIMITED SERIES OR TV MOVIE to Big Little Lies 

Jessica Chastain and … HOT MAN ALERT … Chris Hemsworth, present BEST ACTRESS IN A MOVIE MUSICAL OR COMEDY to Saoirse Ronan, for Lady Bird … about a girl growing up in my hometown, Sacramento

Then, for reasons I cannot fathom, Dakota Johnson presented a clip of Call Me By your Name, but thankfully the camera lingered on Armie Hammer, so I forgot all about her … as do most audiences who see her films.

“Call Me By Your Name is nominated for Best Motion Picture. It’s a gay coming of age story …” Billy Eichner with the punchline, “Said Kevin Spacey, ‘You lost me at ‘of age.’” Seth Meyers, “And you thought I was men when I said he didn’t have a Southern accent.”

Salma Hayek presents a clip of Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri and then Alicia Vikander and Michael Keaton give the award for BEST PICTURE MUSICAL OR COMEDY to Lady Bird.

Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon are presenting because it’s been twenty-five years or so since Thelma and Louise and this is the year of women taking control, so … BEST ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE DRAMA to the brilliant Gary Oldman for The Darkest Hour. Oldman scores points be praising his wife for her support and saying she went to bed every night with Winston Churchill and woke up with Gary Oldman … “Good thing it wasn’t the other way round.”

Angelina Jolie and Isabelle Huppert … looking like they’re off to do the roadshow version of Feud: Bette and Joan … presented best ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE DRAMA to Frances McDormand for Three Billboards outside ebbing, Missouri and she offered to buy tequila shots for her fellow nominees. I knew I liked her for a reason.

Lastly, Barbra Streisand … who has had work done, and not very successfully … she didn’t look like Babs when she smiled … gave out the award for BEST MOTION PICTURE DRAMA to Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri.

Big winners last night: Big Little Lies and Three Billboards … Big loser? The most nominated film, The Shape of Water.

All in all, a good show, albeit in a rough climate, but women stood together, stood tall, and told the world that the days of less pay, less recognition, sexual harassment are over.

Times up. But I will linger a spell on ....