It's Snarkurday!

Look, I am about the furthest thing from straight that you can get, but if I were a straight man ::: giggle snort ::: and I was JLo’s man, you can bet I’d be keeping it in my pants and only banging my bank account, er, girlfriend, instead of stepping out on her. But, while Casper Smart is a straight man ::: giggle snort ::: he’s a not-so-bright straight man because he’s been dumped by Lopez again for being a cheater.

Seriously, Casper, the only thing you have to do in life is do whatever Jennifer Lopez tells you to do … her laundry, bathe the kids, walk the dog, satisfy her sexually, measure her ass to make sure it’s still huge, and yet you feel the need to once again dip your wick in some other, um, pool?

And, hon, if you’re gonna cheat, you cheat up, to someone more famous, with more money; you don’t cheat down because now you’re coin-less and out of a job.

Oh Lindsay Lohan … She desperately wants to be a businesswoman because, well, acting is just about over for her … unless you count acting the fool on social media a career. She tried to corner the market on leggings and spray tans and apps for your phone and they all bombed quicker than her last film so now she’s put her name where her mouth is, and where the vodka goes in …

Yes, Lindsay Lohan has announced on Instagram that she is opening a nightclub called LOHAN in Athens. I was thinking Freaky Friday might have been a better name for a Lohan bar; or The Boyfriend Trap; Lindsay Fully Loaded? Seriously, what does Lindsay Lohan know about being a bar owner, other than getting drunk in a bar; stealing another woman’s fur coat in a bar; starting a fight in a bar; passing out under a bar?

To be fair, Lohan is actually a part owner of the bar; her friend-slash-john, Greek restaurateur Dennis Papageorgiou is technically the owner but Lindsay will get a percentage which she will promptly drink up, causing the bar to go out of business about an hour after it opens.

Just saying.

Donald’s cohort in PussyGat, Bill Bush is now officially fired from NBC and is ALLEGEDLY getting a $10 million payout.

He’s been on the job a hot minute and gets ten mil for being publicly outed as a douchebag of Donald-Proportions? Casper Smart couldn’t even get a deal like that and he was Lopez’, um, well, he grabbed her, um, look Casper walked away with the clothes on his back and Bush gets millions.

Oy. Next up Billy Bush comes cleans on Dr. Phil and then appears on Dancing With The Stars. Mark.My.Words.

And now more Lohan … Since she’s owned a nightclub for roughly thirty seconds now, Lindsay has announced that she will also open a line of spas. But it isn’t all about booze and facials for Lindsay; no, she also wants to, and I’ll let her say it, offset all of this capitalism by “creating and distributing organic health drinks” for refugees.

Yes, she’s gonna make smoothies for refugees! Lohan … the gift that keeps on giving … though I imagine her “organic health drinks” are at least 100-proof.

I should’a married Phil Collins when I had the chance. I would’a Sussudio’d him to the poor house.

See, Phil divorced his third wife, Orianne Cevey, back in 2008 and paid her what was then a record for divorce settlements in the UK: he paid Orianne $30.5 million! And now, the two are back together eight years later and Phil says she is keeping the money.

Seriously; I could’a been Mr. Phil Collins for a couple of years, pocketed a cool thirty million and been set for life.

I don’t get Azealia Banks. I mean, rumor has it she’s a singer or something but all I ever hear about her is when she explodes on Twitter against The Gays or gets kicked off a plane or starts a feud with someone.

In a now-deleted Facebook post, Banks claims that Russell Crowe choked her, spit at her, called her the N-word and threw her out of his hotel suite. 

Russell Crowe and Azealia Banks? Mismatch. But, multiple witnesses says that Banks was tossed from Russell’s suite, but not because he was a jerk but because she was a hot mess who threatened to stab him and another guest.

On the night in question, Russell hosted a dinner party for 10 people in his hotel suite; Crowe invited rapper RZA, who directed him in The Man with the Iron Fists, and RZA brought Banks, who says this is what happened:

“To recap my night, I went to a part [sic] at Russell crowes [sic] suite, at which he called me a n***er, choked me, threw me out and spat at me. Last night was one of the hardest nights of sleep I’ve had in a long time. The men in the room allowed it to happen. I feel terrible today.”

Party guests, though, have a different take; they say Crowe never called Banks a slur and only put his hands on her because she was about to throw a glass. They say the whole mess started when Azealia made fun of the music Russell was playing and called him and another guest “boring white men.” Another guest asked Banks to “shut it” — perhaps she said “be quiet” I was just paraphrasing — and then the ugliness ensued because Banks then ALLEGEDLY shrieked:

“You would love it if I broke my glass, stabbed you guys in the throat, and blood would squirt everywhere like some real Tarantino shit.”

Then Azealia reached for her glass, cocked it and Russell Crowe bounced her ass outside.

Look, here’s the queer deal: I ain’t no celebrity — except in my own head — but even I know you don’t allow Azealia Banks into your home and anywhere near the cutlery and the crystal unless you want a bloodbath.

Seriously, Russell, what were you thinking?

Wow, two Phil Collins stories in one week? The man must be really trying to rekindle his career and his third marriage.

This time, though, it’s about a feud to between Phil and Paul McCartney. Yes, like last week’s Grandpa Feud between F. Murray Abraham and Mandy Patinkin, we now have two more old men fighting … or maybe one old man trying to spark a fight with the other …

Phil Collins spoke to the UK’s Sunday Times about his upcoming autobiography, Not Dead Yet and spilled the beans about the time he met McCartney at Buckingham Palace back in Ott-Two.  It seems Phil had a first edition of The Beatles biography by Hunter Davies, so he brought it with him to see if Paul would sign it for him … big mistake, huge.

Phil says when Paul and his then-wife Heather Mills approached him he went in for the autograph, and Paul said:

“Oh Heather, our little Phil’s a bit of a Beatles fan.”

Little Phil? Well, he is barely five-foot-five but still, it was kind of a bitch move on McCartney, and Little, er, Phil, wasn’t having it:

 “I thought, ‘You fuck, you fuck.’ Never forgot it. He has this thing when he’s talking to you, where he makes you feel (like), ‘I know this must be hard for you because I’m a Beatle. I’m Paul McCartney and it must be very hard for you to actually be holding a conversation with me.”

Yeah, even though I missed my shot at marrying, divorcing for millions, and remarrying, Phil Collins, I am Team Phil this time out … though I place most of the blame for on McCartney’s rudeness on that one-legged bitch of an ex-wife of his, Heather.

Just sayin’ … she’s vile.

Whenever Tyra Banks feels like she isn’t seeing her name in the press often enough … and once a year is too much … she races to the nearest reporter to beat that dead horse she’s been beating for over a  decade now: her feud with Naomi Campbell.

It seems that recently Banks and her baby Daddy Erik Asla were guests on the Norwegian-Swedish talk show Skavlan — what, Steve Harvey turned her down? — and the conversation turned to how she was terrorized by Naomi back in the day.

Tyra talked about going to Paris as a new model and how she met HBIC Campbell:

“I got to Paris and it was very difficult I did very well, very fast. But then the industry was saying, ‘Look out Naomi Campbell, here comes Tyra Banks, Naomi Campbell sit your butt down, this younger one is coming to take your place. It wasn’t fair to Naomi, but her response was … to this day I’m very scared of her. I don’t want to go too deep into the past, but it was very difficult, like some of the lowest times of my life dealing with that. I don’t condone her actions and her response, but I understand where it comes from because the world is saying, ‘You’re not going to have your spot. We’re going to take your money, we’re going to take your fame. Go sit down, there’s somebody else.’”

I love how she says she doesn’t want to go too deep into the past and then she does, as she does every time it seems like people have forgotten her while no one in the world has ever forgotten, or will ever forget, Miss Naomi Campbell.

Sit down, Tyra; I see a phone coming toward your five-head.