It's Snarkurday!

Poor little Swifty, she’s just never happy and when she’s really sad she eats her feelings …

Back at the 2014 Grammys, Taylor Swift reallyreallyreally wanted to win the Grammy for Album of the Year for Red because it was the best thing she’d ever done and the best record ever. Except to Grammy voters, who gave the statue to Daft Punk for Random Access Memories and that’s where this gets funny.

You may remember the camera being on Swifty when the award was announced and because both albums start with an ‘R’ Swifty and her Girl Mob squee'd when it seemed like it would be her …

“When they announced the Album of the Year winner it was like, ‘And the album of the year goes to … Reeeeeandom Access Memories, Daft Punk!’ And they really dragged out the ‘reeee. And for a second there, I kind of thought we had it, and we didn’t. I remember not going to after parties. I went home and I cried a little bit, and I got In-N-Out Burger and ate a lot.”—TayTay Swift

Wow, someone thinks that highly of themselves — and she’s eon seven Grammys believe it or not — but then weeps and eats when she doesn’t win “the one.”

I feel so sorry for … next.

GOOP was at Variety’s Power of Women Luncheon recently because she’s a woman and she has power? Okay, that’s a stretch, but during her speech about powerful women she spoke about the most powerful one of all … herself:

“When I was a young woman in Hollywood, if you were a woman focused on building your career, you were labeled ambitious, and that was a bad word.  … I was told to temper my use of SAT words in interviews because it made me ‘unlikeable’.”

Oh honey, you aren’t unlikeable because you use big words, you’re unlikeable because you’re a know-it-all who thinks you should be telling everyone else how to behave.

Siddown.

Kristen Stewart and her lesbian love, Alicia Cargile, are over. They haven’t been seen in plaid and work boots together in months. And the story is that Kristen is so busy right now that she doesn’t have time for a relationship, unless, you know, it’s with a film director and he wants to bang her on set like, oh, I dunno, Rupert Sanders, and can do more for her career than Cargile, who used to be Stewarts assistant.

Honey, you never bang the help. Did Schwarzenegger teach us nothing?

Anne Hatchway is a big star; just ask her. And one thing she will not stand for is having a common waitress not get her eggs ordered correctly.

Apparently OscarWinnerAnne™ was on the Paramount lot shooting a commercial for Japanese TV — she’d never do an ad for American television because OscarWinnerAnne™  — and when the set caterers did not prepare Miss Hathaway’s eggs to her liking, she sent them back … four times!

1st try: Poached egg too runny.

2nd try: English muffin was cold because it sat while egg #2 was being poached.

3rd try: Egg #2 cold because it sat while chef toasted muffin #2.

4th try: Egg, muffin and avocado were perfect, but it took so long she decided she was in the mood for a fried egg.

Wow, I think everyone in the civilized world knows that you don’t mess with people preparing and serving your food, let you want some extra saliva or a couple drops of Visine or a laxative mixed it with your eggs.

So Swifty’s boyfriend Calvin Harris loves a good massage, and now some British rags are claiming that TayTay is so enraged that Calvin keeps getting photographed after his rubdown that she dumped him. But she didn’t; and they are still together despite the fact that some folks are rumoring that Calvin Harris frequents the kind of massage parlor where one gets really happy, right there at the end … and then gets a hot towel to clean up after, and now Calvin is threatening to sue … via Twitter of course:

“It's not going to be a 'happy ending' for everyone I sue for defamation of character for all these bullshit stories bye bye”

Oh, snap.

So, Johnny Depp and the missus have been hitting up every single premiere of Black Mass, everywhere around the world; at last count, the film had premiered in over 7,000 places and Depp and heard were all over it.

But don’t think Depp is shoving this movie down our throats because he wants an Oscar; he does not. He says he will take a nomination, but hopes his name is never called at the show because he doesn’t wanna talk.

This all sounds like Depp playing like he doesn’t want the nekkid gold man because he really wants the nekkid gold man and hopes academy voters will just give him one already so he can put on an ugly hat, smuggling his dogs into the Kodak Theater and mumble incoherently until the music plays him off.

Abby Lee Miller, of Dance Moms might be teaching the Jailhouse Tango one day. ABC News says that Miller was hit with twenty counts of fraud for ALLEGEDLY trying to hide a bunch of money when she declared bankruptcy back in 2010.

Maybe she’ll do a new show: Orange is the New Macarena.

Several months ago, in the heat of an ugly divorce between Bobby Flay and Stephanie March, Flay got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and someone flew a plane overhead with a giant “Cheater” banner on it. It was high-larious.

And even though now the divorce has been settled and March walked away with a load of cash and a new Bobby Flay Grill, people are still trashing the chef.

Flay was holding an event — “Brunch at Bobby’s with Bobby Flay featuring Bobby Flay” — and he was protested again by a gaggle of topless females bearing red X’s on their breasts and the word “Cheater” painted on their bodies.

Seriously, that is funny.

Sean Penn has been on the lookout for a new younger girlfriend since he split from Charlize Theron so he could parade his hot younger piece around town.

First, he tried to score Minka Kelly — paying for her birthday party when he barely knew her — but she quickly shut that down. Then he tried someone called Emmanuelle Vaugier but she wasn’t really a ‘name’ so he moved on.

Now he’s ALLEGEDLY wooing Frieda Pinto who split from Dev Patel last December. Penn made an appearance at The Nice Guy bar — yes, that’s the name — in West Hollywood along with a gaggle of friends to celebrate Frieda’s 31st birthday.

So, maybe he’ll stay hooked to Frieda for a hot minute to keep his Not So Nice Guy cred up to date, or …

Is he back to boning Madonna?

Penn showed up at Madge’s Rebel Heart tour in New York and Vancouver, and during her Brooklyn show, Madge told the audience that Penn had written her a nice note saying he appreciates her ‘art,’ and by ‘art,’ he means her rock-hard, surgically enhanced body.

And since Sean and Madge apparently stayed at the same hotel in Vancouver, he appears set to be her groupie on the California leg of her; there are even rumors he’ll be headed to Europe when she goes.

So, is he banging the ex, or is he just unloading his ‘tour bus’ until the right young one comes along?

Speaking exes, Gwen Stefani is taking a page out of the TayTay handbook and has written a song, or an entire album, about her breakup with Gavin Rossdale.

It’s called “Used To Love You” and contains the lyrics about how much she loathes Rossdale. I wonder how her kids will react to hearing Mommy sing about how much she hates Daddy because that right there is some good parenting.

Beyoncé’s dad Mathew Knowles has come out and said his little girl is actually a little bigger than we all knew … as in she’s roughly two years older than she says she is. Knowles says Bey is as old as Pink was born in September 1979, or maybe even as old as Usher, who was born in October 1978.

Does anyone really think Beyoncé would lie about her age? I mean, her husband does; and everything about her, from the wigs to the clothes to the foldable baby bump seems made-up so … maybe Papa’s right.

Back to Gwyneth Paltrow, AKA Dr. GOOP.

She recently got a whole lot of trouble for saying that sitting in a hot sauna will flush the flu out of your system. Medical experts — and GOOP ain’t one — say that while sitting in a sauna may help you flush out clogged sinuses, it will actually make your flu worse.

Shut it down, Paltrow. Only now she’s back and declaring wearing an underwire bra can lead to cancer.

A post on GOOP, written by Dr. Habib Sadeghi, cites a book from 1995 titled  Dressed to Kill: The Link Between Breast Cancer and Bras to explain that wearing a tight bra can restrict the lymph nodes around the mammary area and raise the temperature of tissue, which could screw with the hormone function and increase a woman’s risk for breast cancer. Habib also says the underwire in a bra can magnify the radiation from WiFi and cell phones and warms women to not wear bras with underwire and give their mammaries a rest.

I’m guessing, though, that he has no problem at all with the $80 underwire bras that Paltrow sells on her website. He just means don’t wear bras that don’t give coins back to GOOP.

So, Johnny Depp doesn’t want an Oscar, but Leonardo DiCaprio does.

Leo’s newest Oscar show, The Revenant will get a giant awards season push from New Regency. And even thought the film, directed by Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, went way over budget, the studio has hired a platoon of men and women to get Leo the gold.

I guess no one remembers that it was just last year that Jennifer Aniston and her people hired a bunch of consultants to win her an Oscar and she didn’t even get a nod.

I say Leo should just sit back and go to the show and wait quietly until Johnny Depp’s name is called and then race him to the stage.

So, Kaley Cuoco makes about a million an episode of The Big Bang Theory and now she’s about to get Big Banged In Reality because her husband of twenty-one months wants spousal support.

And since Cuoco and her ex, Ryan Sweeting, never thought their ninety-day courtship needed a prenup, he looks like he might one day soon be rolling in the ali-more-money.