It's Snarkurday!

Look, let’s get real. We’re all living in fear of crossing paths with Anna Wintour. I still have the stiletto scars on may face from the time she cut in front of at the Piggly Wiggly Express Check-out and she had more than ten items in her buggy — we calls ‘em buggy’s down here in the Deep South, y’all. But there is one man who takes no crap from Wintour and still lives to tell the tale: Tim “Motherf**king” Gunn.

Tim once told us of an event he attended where he watched Anna Wintour’s bodyguards make a fireman’s lock so they could carry her down the stairs and into her car because Anna don’t walk like, or around, regular folks. And Tim doesn’t care that he pissed her off by telling that story because, well, he’s at it again …

He was recently on Meredith Vieira’s show and told Meredith that after he wrote about Anna And The Stairs, her office called his office and demanded that he take it back. And he said, um, ‘No.’ He said he wasn’t trying to be bitchy — and that he knew it was just about getting her Royal High Ass out the building fast — but he wasn’t gonna pretend it didn’t happen:

“I said it wasn’t a matter of not being able to go down the stairs to descend, it was a matter of speed. She had two bodyguards, who made a firemen’s lock, she sat in it. They wooshed her down these stairs and put her right into her car to get to another fashion show because this fashion show was in the fifth floor of the Metropolitan Pavilion. They had to move her fast. She’s a history revisionist, in her mind it never happened basically.”

And he isn’t a’scurred that his storytelling has ruined his relationship with Vogue, because he says it’s a hostile work environment over there … oh snap again … and he would want to be on their good side anyway. And then he dished more Wintour Dirt:

“I was [once] on an airplane with Anna Wintour and the flight attendant came up to me and said, ‘Is that Anna Wintour?’ And I said, ‘Yes. It is.’ She asked, ‘Do you think I can say hello to her?’ I said, ‘Well of course. Who wouldn’t want you to greet them? That would be lovely."

The flight attendant went over and a man sitting next to Wintour stood up, put out his hand — thinking he was Diana and this was “Stop! In The name Of Love” —  and said to her, ‘You have to go away, Miss’ because speaking to Anna Wintour when you’re —i n her mind — a Sky Maid, is the Height of Disrespect.

And Tim finished that story by saying he isn’t worried about Anna getting revenge on him.

“She can try to turn me to stone. I don’t think it will happen.”

But she hurls a mean stiletto and I have the facial scar to prove it.

So, Tom Cruise and his ex-beard Nicole Kidman’s daughter Isabella Cruise married an ALLEGED non-Scientologist Max Parker last week in a low-key ceremony. That Tommy ALLEGEDLY refused to attend because Max might not drink the Kool-Aid. Nicole wasn’t there either because Isabella did not invite either of her parents to the ceremony.

Of course, because he hates bad press, Tom released a statement saying he was “cool” with not being invited to his daughter’s wedding and that he paid for the whole shebang and doesn’t really care if Max hasn’t ordered a ticket for the Xenu Spaceship.

But there are conflicting stories that Nicole did attend and Tom did not, or that Tom attended while Nicole was snubbed. Depending on whom you read, Radar, TMZ, ET, ISBL, D-Listed, Tommy was there, or he wasn’t; Nicole was there or she didn’t even know it was happening. It was a big Scientology event, or it was an escape attempt.

Either way that is one dysfunctional family.

Oh Hugh Grant.

Over the past four years, he’s been having babies nonstop with two different women; the first, Tinglan Hong, a sometime lover who birthed his baby when they weren’t even dating back in 2011. Then, while they were still not a couple, but a couple of parents to a child, Hugh banged Tinglan again and she had another child.

But, in between Tinglan’s first and second surprise Hugh Grant Impregnations, he knocked up a Swedish woman named Anna Eberstein and they had a son in 2012. Now, it appears that while Tinglan was just a booty call that gave birth ... twice … Anna is a real girlfriend; albeit the kind a guy has when he wants a woman at home and still wants to bang one-offs when he’s bored because now Anna is pregnant again with Hugh’s baby.

So, it goes Tinglan, Anna, Tinglan, Anna, in birth order for Hugh, which means Tinglan best be ready to put a new duvet on the non-matrimonial bed.

You never hear gossip about Claire Danes, unless it’s old gossip come to light because there’s a new season of Homeland to promote.

Danes was on Howard Stern this week and told the tale of how, way back in Ott-Three, she stole Billy Crudup away from his pregnant-at-the-time girlfriend, Mary-Louise Parker.

But now, I guess, since it’s been twelve years or so, when Claire was asked about the scandal, she gave it all a sort of “shit happens” excuse:

Howard: When you decided to date … Billy Crudup … he was a married guy and just had a kid, and you start dating him. Of course, he’s getting shit for it and all that. Is that such a scary thing because people are judging you?

Claire: Yeah, that was a scary thing. That was really hard.

Howard: When you go through something like that, are you thinking of your career? Are you like, “What am I doing?” Because people are so goddamn judgmental and all of this stuff?

Claire: Yeah, I don’t know. I didn’t know how to not do that. I was just in love with him and needed to explore that. And I was 24, didn’t quite know what those consequences might be.

WTF? She wasn’t some teenager, she was a grown-assed woman who met a married man with a pregnant girlfriend and just decided to bang him and take him away from his family because, well, that happens? I always thought Claire was a smart one, but I guess not when she’s thinking with her lady parts.

Oh, and lest you think I’m going easy on Crudup, think again: he was a dick, too.

One of the reasons Tommy might not, or might have, or might not have, been at his daughter’s wedding is that that he’s busy is selling off his property.

Earlier this year he listed a compound in the Hollywood Hills for $13 million, apparently evicting his sister who lived there in the process, and now he’s selling his Telluride Nuthouse for, wait a sec, $59 million, along with his personal Beverly Hills manse for the bargain price of $50 million.

Why, Tommy, why? Are there more stories of your ALLEGED gay-etude coming out and you’ll need cash for lawyers or, is it someone more Xenu?

Rumor has it that Tommy is estranged from some of his family members — perhaps the non-Scientology ones — and no longer wants them living on his properties, so he’s selling the homes, loading the truck and moving to … Florida, a home to Scientology wacknuts and close to his “dear friend” John Travolta.

I wonder if this is going where it sure as hell looks like it’s going …. Tommy and Johnny canoodling on a Sunshine State beach?

Oh yeah … ALLEGEDLY.

Randy Quaid was arrested in Montreal this week yesterday morning during one of his regular check-ups with Canada Border Services. He’d applied for permanent residency in Canada in 2013 but was denied due to felony vandalism charges he faces in Santa Barbara and then ran away from to live up north. He was supposed to go a hearing with the Immigration and Refugee Board, but skipped out on that, hence the arrest.

And apparently Canadian Border officials are giving him the boot from their country because, well, wacknut criminal and all. He was ordered to get out by Wednesday and will most likely be deported back to the US next week. And he’s good with that because he now says he wants to deal with the charges in Santa Barbara and move on with his life.

Except … when Randy and his wife Evi escaped Santa Barbara for Canada he said that they were running from a group called the Hollywood Star Whackers who were murdering famous types and who were going to murder him next. And now he’s saying that although he called them “Star Whackers” he doesn’t think an actual mafia of killers is trying to murder him. He just means that there are powerful people in Hollywood who are mean to him.

Um, uh huh. Canada wins again. We got Bieber and Celine Dion and now they’re making us take Quaid back, too?

Damn them and their universal healthcare.

A few months back John Stamos was pulled over after several people called 911 to report that his silver Mercedes was swerving all over the place. He was ALLEGEDLY pretty drunk and was arrested and booked and released and sent to rehab all min the space of about an hour.

Now, the Los Angeles District Attorney will charge him with a DUI but there are new bits of the story; like the fact that Stamos was ALLEGEDLY under the influence of GHB, AKA a date rape drug.

A source close to Stamos — does Lohan sell GHB — says he wasn’t roofied and he wasn’t taking it to get high, but was using a date rape drug to “lean out his body mass,” so he could be body hot-ready for Fuller House; apparently all the bodybuilders do it, so skinny ass Stamos tried it too.

I’m’a hafta go, Uh Huh on this one.