I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

What a Happy Kardastrophe Thanksgiving. That Woman was there with her side-piece; Khloe came with that rapper who's cheating on her; Kourtney and her husband, Drunky McDrunkness arrived, as did the Model and the One Who Wants To Be A Model But Will Never Make it. Even the Kash Kow came, with baby NorthSouthEastWest.

The only person who didn't show was Kanye, who was in Paris for the holiday and dined at Ralph Lauren’s restaurant with “two male friends” on Thursday.

That's all.

Earlier this year, Shia LaBeouf, AKA Crazy McDrunkness — no relation to that Drunky McDrunkness above except for their love for the brown juice — was part of an LA art piece called #IAMSORRY during which he sat in a room by himself with a paper bag over his head and props from his career ... a whip, a Transformer, a note from his agent, resigning the position ... on a table in front of him. And one by one, people came into the room and sat across from him, talking to him or saying nothing to him, or using his "props" in whatever way they chose. 

Did you say whip? Hmmm.

Now Shia is saying that a woman came with her boyfriend, who stayed outside the door when this happened, whipped his legs for ten minutes and then stripped off his clothes and raped him. Then she walked out, passing the hundreds, okay, tens, of people waiting to get inside like nothing happened.

Seriously, he allowed some random to rape him and stayed silent because, art?

Maybe not; Shia’s collaborators Luke Turner and Nastja Säde Rönkkö have backed up Shia's tale, though they also say they stopped the rape before it ever happened. Nastja said on Twitter that people weren’t told they could do whatever they wanted to Shia and also said that she and Turner stopped the ALLEGED rape:

“A couple of important clarifications about our #IAMSORRY project earlier this year: Nowhere did we state that people could do whatever they wanted to Shia during #IAMSORRY. As soon as we were aware of the incident starting to occur, we put a stop to it and ensured that the woman left.”

So, Shia wasn't raped, as he says, though a woman apparently did try to get a little somethingsomething off'a him.

I may not know art, but I know what I like, and I know a steaming pile of BS, AKA Shia LaBeouf, when I see it.

That Smokey and the Bandit money just doesn't last, y'all, because Burt Reynolds is brokity-broke-broke-broke.

According to several sources — mostly people to whom he owes buckets of cash — Burt is in a bad way when it comes to money. He hasn’t made a mortgage payment on his Florida home in four years and now owes more than $1.4 million; he tried to sell it back in 2011 for $9 million, and then dropped the price to $2.9 million, but nobody wants it, except for the bank.

But Burt doesn’t have $1.4 million, so he’s been forced to auction off more than 600 pieces of movie memorabilia and stuff from his house at the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas. Included in the sale is Burt’s red jacket from Smokey and the Bandit, a gold pocket watch — a gift from Sally Field, a pair of boxing gloves signed by Muhammad Ali, a pair of cowboy boots that he wore in Striptease, of his People’s Choice Awards, and his Golden Globe for Boogie Nights. Not for sale, though, is the bear skin rug upon which he reclined when he was hot and relevant and a movie star.

Sad, though, that he reduced the price of his home by some 60% and he still couldn’t get a bite? Why didn’t his ex-wife, Loni Anderson, whom he dumped a la Tom Cruise before anyone had ever heard of Tom Cruise, buy it out from under him for the Everything Must Go sales prices?

That would’a been the ultimate revenge, using his alimony money to buy his house from him.

Big Sean must love the drama. He was engaged to Naya Rivera for a hot minute, before she accused him of cheating, broke it off, and married some random dude a month later, and now he's hitched his wagon to one Ariana Grande Latte, teen brat and unadulterated diva.

And, well, Big Sean may be rethinking hooking up with Mimi2.0 because she has a penchant for talking in baby talk ... all the time.

See, according to Star magazine ... hey, they could be reliable, you don't know! ... Ariana is driving Big Sean cray cray with her constant need to talk in a baby voice:

“Instead of saying, ‘I’m thirsty,’ she’ll pout her lips and say, ‘I want to dwink a widdle joosh.’”

At first, Big Sean found it cute because she wasn’t accusing him of stealing her watch and cheating on her--Hey Naya!--but now he's over it, especially since he has to stop mid-concert and change Ariana's diaper because "I made a messy wessy."

Seriously? Seriously.

Rosie’s joining The View!! Rosie’s leaving The View!! Rosie’s coming back to The View!! Rosie’s leaving The View again!!

It seems as though Rosie O’Donnell’s grand return to The View is going as well as all of us thought it would. Now, I like Rosie, but I imagine she has an ego the size of The View studio and is a bug in the ass of everyone there.

But now folks are saying Rosie’s pissed because she wanted to be the HBIC and the producers — one being Grandma Barbara Walters — said, “Look Ro, Whoop’s in charge, but you can sit opposite her and pretend like you’re running things, m’kay?”

And she does that, when cameras are rolling; when they aren’t Ro apparently sits in her seat, refusing to speak to her co-hosts and will only talk to audience members.

The powers-that-be doubt she’ll be back next season, though they aren’t saying that officially just yet, and have tried talking her into staying, but Ro wants to be the Ho and if she ain’t  the Ho she Goes.

Here’s my take: even with Bas gone, even with Sherri “The Earth Is Flat” Shepard gone, the numbers are down, so maybe this little story is being leaked by ABC to spike some interest in the show.

That’s all. But if ABC wants to take things up a notch, tell Rosie she can be the moderator and then invite a bunch of anti-gay Republicans on; her head will explode in time for Sweeps.

So, serial-famewhore, serial-twerker, serial-tongue-exploiter, and Queen of White Trash everywhere, Miley Cyrus has begun dating Arnold and Maria’s — as in Schwarzenegger and Shriver — son Patrick, and Mama Maria ain’t none to happy about. Daddy Arnold is probably thrilled, hoping Cyrus will Twerk his junk after Christmas dinner.

But it’s Maria who is most concerned what Miley’s weed-and-dildo reputation will do for her baby boy, and a source close to the family — it’s Maria herself talking to her old friends at NBC — says:

“It is beyond true that Maria Shriver disapproves of the relationship that Patrick is starting with Miley. She is so controlling when it comes to the image of the family and this is eating her up inside. … She fully believes that you become who you surround yourself with and she’s always been so happy with the friends Patrick chooses. The birthday party with all the penis pictures disgusted her. Maria is very, very worried about the influence Miley’s having on Patrick.”

Okay, Miley’s a hot mess,on that we can agree, but she’s a savvy media player and she knows that by hanging onto Patrick and being all redneckish on him, she will get some precious airtime because, seriously, when does she get airtime unless she’s acting the fool? And when she finds someone else to hang out with who might be a bigger draw to her dwindling fame, she‘ll drop Patrick harder than she drops her panties onstage.

Bet on it.

Back to Kanye ...

It appears KrayKray West delayed a flight from Paris to Helsinki last week because, well, he's Kanye and no one else matters.

The whole flight was waiting on one of those buses that ferries passengers from the terminal to the plane. And Kanye and his assistant took their sweet time getting on that bus; well, the assistant  ran to the bus with Kray's travel documents and care instructions ... written by Kim in KrayKrayon ... while Kanye walked casually behind him.

Once Kray boarded, he took his seat in first class and as the coach passengers, kept waiting until West was seated, boarded, European couple asked for a photo but Mr. Kim Kardastrophe refused, though he initially said 'Yes.'

After the exchange, West focused on his laptop, which displayed nearly nude photographs of a woman with long, dark hair who may or may not have been his wife ... or another reality TV star hoping to hook her wagon to Krazy McKrayKray.

Taylor Swift is the Queen of the Universe and I blame Kanye. See, if at the VMAs a couple of years back, he didn’t “let you finish” after grabbing the mic to kiss Beyoncé’s ass, maybe we wouldn’t be suffering the Life of TayTay now. Well, at least one Jessica Hart, a Victoria’s Secret model, wouldn’t be suffering at the hands of Swifty.

See, Taylor Swift was set to perform again this year at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show in London because nothing says lingerie like a stick-thing-pop-country-singing-blow-up-doll — try not to think of TayTay’s ta-tas, I dare you — but Swifty had one requirement: no Jessica Hart … EVER!!!

See, last year Swifty sang at the bra-and-panties show, and afterwards Jessica Hart said she liked Taylor Swift but she didn’t really think she was a good fit at the Crotchless Underwear Catwalk, and, well, when Swifty heard that she went all Ariana Grande Latte and said she would not be signing this year if Jessica hart was modeling.

So, Hart was cut from the show, proving that a spoiled little former country queen, turned pop diva, runs the world. I’m looking to book a Space Shuttle to Mars, howsabout you?