I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

Since hooking up with serial cheater Eddie Cibrian more than three years ago, LeAnn Rimes has been at constant odds with the actor’s ex-wife, Brandi Glanville, and now the feud has taken on a new twist, with reports that LeAnn is Single White Female-ing Brandi.

“It’s out of control, the way LeAnn stalks Brandi,” an insider--who may be LeAnn herself, she's so desperate for attention--says. “Even LeAnn’s friends think it’s weird, but she can’t seem to help herself. If Brandi tweets a picture of herself in a bikini, LeAnn does the same thing. If Brandi talks about becoming a dermatologist, LeAnn suddenly starts talking about it on Twitter…it’s really strange!”

Even Brandi picked up on the Single White Female vibes from LeAnn--and blasted the singer for her copycat ways: “Someone is obviously stalking my facebook & copies my every move, even my bikini pics!! Creepy! I said it once I will say it again STALKER!!”

Brandi’s longtime confidante Jennifer Gimenez she believes LeAnn’s severe lack of self-esteem--for which LeAnn was recently rehabbed--is the root cause of her unusual behavior: “She copies everything that Brandi does. She even exchanged her black Range Rover for a white one because that’s what Brandi drives! If Brandi gets a new bag or shoes, within a week you will see LeAnn with the exact same thing.”

The issues run so deep, insiders say, that LeAnn even seeks out the same professionals Brandi employs to keep up with her longtime love rival: “LeAnn used Brandi’s boob doctor, Garth Fisher; her dentist, Dr. Duane McKay; her hairstylist, Kim Vo; her dermatologist, Dr. Harold Lancer; and the same Botox guy at Dr. Applebaum’s!”

Maybe she could use Brandi's shrink to deal with her stalking issues, and why she’s so eager to look and act like her husband's ex-wife.

Unless she knows she'll one day be another one of Eddie’s cheated on exes.

Tommy Grrl is the queen of his castle and like every queen, he runs it as tight as his....

Anyway, it seems Tommy has a full staff that includes an estate manager, a valet, maids, cooks, chauffeurs, gardeners and an entire team of Brazilian shot-putters who lift him up and into his shoes every day,

And he likes to keep his shiz working like a clock. Casa Tommy Grrl is split into several zones and each member of his staff is assigned a specific zone and aren't allowed to wander into other areas in fear of being cut into small pieces and fed to Tommy's Chihuahua.

A source--and you know it’s Suri who misses her daddy since he, ALLEGEDLY, never visits--says, "Tom runs his household staff with absolute military precision and with the utmost attention paid to security. His Bel Air mansion is divided into zones, meaning that housekeepers and other support staff that work in the kitchen and food preparation area, aren't permitted to go into another area of the house that falls outside of their allocated zone. It's a huge house and Tom does this to ensure the safety of his family and children when they are visiting. The only members of household staff that have access to the entire house is the estate manager and the head of security."

Of course Tommy gets Scientology; his estate manager is a recent graduate of the Scientology Celebrity Center, and is an expert at outfitting the rest of the household staff--Tommy's makeup guys, the man who cinches him into his man girdle, Dr Botox--with those electric shock collars dog's wear; one misstep into a different zones and a bolt of electricity instantly subdues the help.

I mean, god forbid anyone walks in on Tommy getting a Travolta massage.

ALLEGEDLY.

Rumor has it Lindsay Lohan is ready to seek help, and just in time; she's scheduled to be back in court for lying to the cops and probation violation next month, so she needs to make a move.

So, is she going all high class rehab, with spa treatments and call boys?

Nope. Some say Lindsay will check into a mental hospital to deal with her issues. I heard she's getting a Two-fer deal and is asking Dina to join her.

See, Lindsay has continued her downward spiral since she was busted for pslugging a psychic in a bar last month and now pals of the troubled actress are saying there is only one thing that can save her: mental ward.

“At this point, Lindsay is so screwed up that her only hope of survival is an intense stint in a mental hospital under expert care,” an insider--Howe's that new Franzia Chardonnay, Dina--says. ‘The problem is that she surrounds herself with users and ‘yes’ people, including her own mother. They’re nothing but phonies and takers – and they’re letting her run wild! Family members and old friends who truly care about her believe that her last chance is being admitted to a facility for a completely mental evaluation.”

This sounds plausible, you know, for Lohan, because if she checks into a mental ward it might keep the judge from giving her real jail time, and might give her a minute to reflect on the Life of LiLo.

You know, like facing jail time for allegedly lying to police about that car crash last June.

And for restructuring her finances after the IRS hit her with a $250,000 bill for back taxes.

And, most importantly, for forgetting about Liz and Dick.

Another day, another story of Demi Moore,

Last we heard, she was getting dumped by her 26 year-old hookup for bringing him too much negative attention to him at Art Basel in Miami when he was trying to do business as an art dealer. Moore was seen generally acting the fool, dancing in short shorts while other people were seated around her and trying to remember if she was once someone famous.

Her daughters--not really the best moral compasses themselves--are worried because Demi has been partying every night "until almost 4:30 a.m. She was by far the biggest party animal, her clothes coming off, making everyone uncomfortable. For the past 15 years, Demi’s been dancing on tabletops trying to hang on to her youth.”

Now, she's trying to hang on to youths as they help her lift her bad hip atop the tables.

So, Demi's girls, who stood by her after her split from Grandbaby/Husband, Ashton Kutcher, thinking she was just “distraught” are now annoyed that Mama Demi's behavior has grown increasingly erratic--with her major weight loss, hard partying and cougar lifestyle taking center stage.

The girls realize that they should be out clubbing and their mama waiting up at home to chastise them for being drunken bar whores.

Not the other way around.

Facing money woes, a staggering tax bill and alleged delinquency on her storage locker full of personal possession--like her career, her California Department of Motor Vehicle pamphlets on The Dangers of Drunk Driving, and vat after vat of Chardonnay for Dina, and a copy of Dina's real birth certificate from 1919--is Lindsay Lohan’s scrambling to make some cash?

Maybe so. A talent company, 123Talent, is claiming to represent the troubled actress wants us to know their client is available for weddings and Bat Mitzvahs. They've begun sending out emails with the subject line “Book One of Hollywood’s Biggest Movie Stars Lindsay Lohan Now!” offering us the opportunity to request the presence of Lohan herself at whatever event or venue.

I've already hired Lohan to clean the litter boxes at Casa Bob y Carlos.

In bright pink lettering, the email reminds us that “Not only is Lindsay an Actress but she is also a Fashion Designer, Model and Recording Artist” and includes a hastily photoshopped composite of the star, and lists all of Lohan’s film and television stints, like "I Know Who Killed Me,” "Life Size” and “Liz & Dick.”

I'm already planning on booking Lindsay to do yardwork, while Carlos and I dress as Dennis Quaid and Natasha Richardson and reenact scenes from "The Parent Trap."

The last time Melissa Etheridge’s ex, Tammy Lynn Michaels, complained about Melissa only paying $23,000 a month child in support payment, people didn’t have much sympathy for her. I mean, seriously, raising two kids in a house paid for by your ex on about a grand a day isn't exactly a hardship.

But it must be for Tammy, because she's once again taken to her blog to whine about having to cancel Christmas because she's worried Melissa's check won't arrive in time:

“Fascinating you know— secrets, they are. People, places, things and accounts, houses, waived rights AND relationships, money —-secrets are sick—a sign of an illness within—disease.

Playing games with money—phoney baloney—hide and seek—can you find the ball under the clam shell? —christmas is coming—chase the check—chase the check —chase the check—can’t —catch it—oh watch the girl go—empty stockings and tiny boxes—-don’t worry– —i’ll teach them what’s important.

Nothing close to —what i have to chase in the stupid mail box—but rather—what is in the heart—which could never–never never ever be found in a mail box anyway…………… millionaires in their mansions—-tricking with trusts—-hiding money from Paul behind Peter—–just to steal from the minor in the end—-integrity is a mystery in—-the town of gold dust—-pyrite—fool’s gold —-at times i do feel——as narcissistic as this sounds—that i might be the only —one—with a moral compass—-this side of the Indiana State Line. —tell me it’s not true—-no—-show me—-show me—-someone show me it’s not true.”

Maybe Tammy should put away the pen, shut down the blog, and get her ass down to the Starbucks on La Cienega and whip me up a Mochachino and stop whining about the hardships of raising children on 23K a month.

Seriously. Is she related to Mittsy?

Sharon Stone is wackadoo but she's not Demi wackadoo.

It seems Stone is wanting to enroll her son, Roan, into the exclusive LA Buckley School--sidenote: we have a Buckley School in Smallville, so maybe Sharon could bring Roan here and stay in our guest room--and recently took a tour of the facilities and drove the other parents crazy with crazy questions, like:

 ‘Why does the school start so early?’ 

‘Why do you offer those classes? 

'Can I add a class?’

'My vagina? Better or worse since Basic Instinct?'

Should I have really done Law & Order SVU?'

Like I said, crazy, but in a good way.