I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Hey Lindsay? Your crappy Lifetime movie was the fourth highest rated movie in Lifetime history, right behind the one where Drew Peterson kills people! How you gonna celebrate? Going to Disneyland?

Um, no.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested again this week in New York City for ALLEGEDLY punching a woman at Club Avenue.

Apparently the two women were sitting in separate booths and words began being exchanged; I imagine it was something like this: “I know Elizabeth Taylor, and you, sir, are no Elizabeth Taylor!”

Lindsay might have replied, still in character, “RICHARD!!!!!!!”

Then she threw a punch at the other woman,

Police were called and by the time they arrived Lohan had fled the club, but police intercepted the car and cuffed the cracktress who was still screaming, “I'm Elisabeth Taylor. Dammit!!!”

If Lindsay is formally charged with this latest crime, it could trigger yet another probation violation and might mean more jail time.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled Lohan:

Original Recipe Lohan™ was interviewed by US Weekly and it’s all kinds of funny and sad and wacktress.

She says, and I’ll be quoting, “I want to be known as an actress, not a troubled starlet. People can think what they want, and the only thing I can do is prove them wrong.”

This was obviously before the brawl at Avenue.

She says, “I want to adopt a son.”

Adoption agencies around the world are closing their doors and turning off their phones.

She says: “I’m not focused on that [love] yet. I want to do a ton of movies first. After I win an Oscar, I can start thinking about love. I think there are a lot of directors and producers who know I’m a good actress. I just want them to get past the misconception that I’m not reliable, because I am. I’m going to make them believe in me again.”

Um, Lindsay, I’ll win an Oscar before you do.

She says: “Elizabeth was drunk on sets. I’ve never been drunk on set, ever. I did my time and I respect the law.”

Again, before the brawl, and notice how she says clearly she was never drunk. She doesn’t say she was never whacked on prescription meds and street drugs because, well, wouldn’t that be a lie?

She says she would say to a sixteen-year-old Lohan: “Don’t drink and drive. And be careful who you surround yourself with.”

Again, before this latest brawl.

And, because she’s the gift that keeps on giving, here’s more Lohan, with a Sheen to it.

Lindsay and Charlie met while filming cameos as wacked out drug-crazed fools for Scary Movie 5, and folks say Charlie was disturbed by Lindsay Lohan’s lack of professionalism.

Let’s stop there: the man with a crack pipe permanently attached to his mouth was “disturbed” by Lohan’s lack of professionalism? Oh.This.Is.Rich.

So, again, ALLEGEDLY, Sheen wanted to help the cracktress and did so by paying off a huge chunk of Lohan’s 6-figure tax bill. Yup, he recently cut Lohan a $100,000 check to cover her tax bill or drug habit. I think “tax bill” might be a euphemism.

Some say Lohan originally refused the check, but then all of the sudden changed her mind; which I’ve heard is what happens when you don’t pay Colombian drug lords promptly.

Just sayin’.

And, I’ll say it here first, but I think Charlie’s next big move will be to make Lindsay his wife.

Again, just sayin’.

And, while we’re still on Lohan, rumor has it she’s devastated by the reviews of her crap-filled-bad-line-reading-portrayal of Liz Taylor, but, in Lindsay Town where the sun is made of Adderall and the rivers flow vodka, Lindsay herself thinks she was fantastic.

In fact, she was so pleased with her bloated portrayal that she’s asking her management team to find her a sitcom to do because her depiction of Taylor, well, was laughable.

I think she ought to skip sitcom and go straight to reality: Lindsay Lohan Breaking Bad.

I mean this shiz would write itself.

Sidenote: here are some Tweets about Lohan as Liz:

Dane Cook: “I just realized Liz & Dick is on. No, I wasn’t watching it, but I can literally smell it.”

Morgan Murphy: “If you want to see something better than Liz & Dick, go to YouTube and search for ‘explosive diarrhea.’ … Liz & Dick has shown us all what it looks like when the girl who smokes in the parking lot gets cast as the lead in the high school play.”

Funny, cuz it’s true.

I think Halle Berry needs to stay single.

The woman makes awful choices in men, and her streak seems to have continued.

See, Halle made a baby with Gabriel Aubry and then dumped him. And she took up with French actor Olivier Martinez and decided to take Aubry’s daughter, Nahla, and move to France. Trouble is she has joint custody with Aubrey and the judge told Halle she couldn’t take the child and leave the country.

Then, suddenly, on Thanksgiving Day there’s a brawl at Chez Halle—I checked and checked but there was no sign that Lohan was involved—between Halle’s new love and her old love and baby maker.

Now, Halle’s so distraught that she’s asked for a restraining order against Aubry for both her, and Martinez and her daughter.

Oh, what a sly way to get to take your child away from her daddy and flee the country with Martinez for about a year until he cheats on her or she just decides she’s had it with him and ends yet another relationship.

I seriously think she’s playing this thing to her advantage, because we all know baby daddies don’t wanna see their baby mama’s new boyfriends, so why was Martinez even involved when Aubry brought his daughter home that day? It smells like someone’s trying to work the system and has the money to do it.

Halle is saying she might give up show business because of all this drama. I say she ought to give up men and maybe get herself into therapy.

Remember when JLO got that maid fired because the woman dared to ask for an autograph?

I mean, maybe JLo herself didn’t tell the hotel management that a maid had the nerve to knock on the Dorr Of A Star, but someone on her team—maybe he ALLEGEDLY gay boy-toy, Caper—certainly did tell management of the infraction because they did fire a maid for asking for an autograph.

Well, JLo’s at it again.

Proving that Jenny From The Block is just a cartoon that plays on the Spanish language channel in her head, JLo ALLEGEDLY had a hissy fit on board a United Airlines flight when a flight attendant innocently offered her a drink in first class.

Da noive.

The flight attendant says, “I just said, ‘What can I get you to drink?’ But Jennifer refused to even acknowledge me. She turned her head away and told her personal assistant, ‘Please tell him I’d like a Diet Coke and lime. She wouldn’t even look at me. It was sad, she seems so sweet in her movies.”

Another source—and it may be Marc Anthony because, well, where’s his career now that he’s just another ex-Mr. JLo?—acknowledges that Lopez doesn’t lower herself to speak to the help: “She doesn’t speak to salespeople, restaurant or hotel staff – or flight attendants. She only talks through her assistants.”

Well, she is on a concert tour. Maybe she’s saving her voice for the show.

This might be true if she didn’t lip-sync her appearances.