I'm Done

I think it's time to move on. Sometimes you stay in a relationship for too long, thinking it's going to work, hoping it'll get better, wishing it was like it used to be, but knowing that this is the end. I understand that now. And that's why I'm announcing it here, on ISBL:

Like Simon, I'm done with American Idol.

It isn't just that Lee DeDrab won last night over the infinitely more talented Crystal Bowersox; although that's a big part of it. It's the show itself. They spend weeks telling the Idol-wannabes to be current, to sing a song like it could be released today. But American Idol's own results show is the biggest pile of cheese-and-corn, not seen on TV since the old Lawrence Welk days.

Seriously. Current is having the Idol's dressed in Catholic school outfits and singing with Alice Cooper? I get that Cooper is an icon, but current? Not unless this is the early 80s and I didn't get the telegram.

And then we had last year's winner, Kris Allen sing his single 'The Truth.' I hate to steal Randy's thunder, but he was pitchy, dawg; and the song was a snooze fest. Still, when compared to the Final 10 or 12 or whatever from this season--save Crystal--he was pretty good. Okay, not pretty good, but a hint better than this year's mess.

And don't get me started on the Bee Gees. The motherfella Bee Gees? Their quartet with Aaron Kelly and Siobhan Magnus of 'How Deep is Your Love' was a salute to nasality. And how current to pick a song that is roughly thirty years old. Thirty.Years.

Michael Lynche came out to sing with Michael McDonald--of the Doobie Brothers--his rendition of another decades old song, 'Takin' It To The Streets.' By this time I was hoping for something from the 80s at least, but, um, no. And, well, since he lost, I'm gonna say it: Michael Lynche reminds me of Queen Latifah, in his face and the way he moves onstage. And since I've never seen Latifah and Mike in the same room, well, just sayin'.

Dane Cook, who calls himself a comedian, though that's debatable, warbled a really unfunny song about Simon's nasty comments over the years--culminating in a really bad joke about Lincoln's assassination...I know! How Current! Then the stage overflowed with the worst of the worst Idol rejects, until the cameraman, probably out of embarrassment, quickly turned his lens on the audience.

The Gals Of The Top Twelve sang a few bars on 'Beautiful' and then turned the stage over to Christina Aguilera, someone who's not only released a record this century, but is still releasing records. I thought, wrongly, that the show would get better.

Then came Hall & Oates and the Top Twelve Boys doing 'You Make My Dreams Come True' and suddenly it was the eighties and I was waiting for Molly Riongwald at the prom, or something. Hall & Oates....and Oates doesn't even sing, because we all know do-wops don't count. It was at this point I looked at Carlos and asked, "Why, God, Why, didn't I DVR this so I can fast-forward the crap?"

My answer, partially, came when Crystal Bowersox arrived onstage without the losers and sang Alanis Morissette's 'Ironic' before Morissette joined her for 'You Oughta Know.' This was a performance, and I thought, "Yeah, Crystal's got it."

But before she could "get" it, Idol trotted out their old warhorse Carrie Underwood, and while she was singing Carlos remarked that she moves like a dinosaur. I watched for a moment and realized he was right: Girl can sing....girl can't dance. Awk-ward.

Hot-to-trot hottie, and my future ex-boyfriend, Casey James came out. He looked good--he always looks good.....gimme me a minute.....yeah......okay--and he sounded good, singing Poison's 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn' until being joined by Bret Michaels, who is all over TV, and hospitals, after his recent aneurysm.

Still, while Casey looked good.....Poison? Current?

Well, certainly more current than Chicago. Chicago? My high school marching band used to march to Chicago tunes at half-time, that's how current Chicago is; and they added Lee DeWyze to their group, proving yet again, that the boy can't really sing consistently.

Then came General Larry Platt and his audition song 'Pants on the Ground,' which further escalated the cheese factor of this show, especially after William Hung, who auditioned for Idol about fifty years ago, came onstage to, er, help.

But the worst part of the night was the return of Paula Abdul to say good-bye to Simon Cowell. She rambled, she spoke incoherently, she told jokes that weren't, and it went on far too long.

Damn! Why.Didn't.I.DVR.This? All her reappearance proved was that it was a good thing she wasn't part of the show any longer.

Following Paula, we saw the return of past Idol winners, and losers, and a lot of the winners are losers--Jordin Sparks--and some of the losers--I'm talking to you, JHud--are winners. Kelly Clarkson--my favorite winner--was allowed to sing a line, before Ruben came out, and then the rest of them whose names I forget because they have no careers. Taylor Hicks? Did he get the night off from the DQ to be there?

Finally, Simon was allowed to speak, and there was a current, honest moment as he said thanks to the show, the audience and the contestants and I kept thinking. It seemed heartfelt, though also a bit of a push, you know, kind of a Please watch Idol next year though I know you won't.

I was thinking, "Take me with you Simon!! Take me with you!!"

Jante Jackson then appeared onstage...again....current? She sang a song called 'Nothing' which is exactly what it did for me, and then stripped down to some porn-star catsuit to do 'Nasty' which wasn't. I'd heard that Janet's going to focus more on acting and less on music from now on; I think that might be wise.

As we near the two-day mark--I kid, it was just two hours--Crystal and Lee took the stage with another current pop star, Joe Cocker; Carlos asked me if it was Trini Lopez....look it up. When I said 'No' he asked if it was Mickey Rooney, and I thought 'Might as well be.'

Current.

And then we had it.

Lee DeWyze wins, and he said: "Thank you guys so much for everything. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you guys so much. Everybody. I can't believe this. I love you guys. This is amazing. Crystal, I love you ... I'm just happy, man. I'm so happy right now. I've never been happier in my life."

Boring. Crystal was robbed.

And before anyone says, 'Oh no, Lee's good' let me say this: Lee is vanilla. He's middle-of-the-road safe. He's this year's Kris Allen. Last year, America was too afraid of Adam Lambert--who was hands down the better singer and entertainor--and they gave it to Allen, who is reduced to Ford commercials, while Lambert is enjoying his success. Which, I think, will happen this year.

Lee won, and he'll put out an album of nice Kenny-Loggins-John-Mayer sounding retro crap, and his next big gig will be when he appears on Idol next year. Crystal, however, can sing, and entertain, and, well, has some personality to back up her talent.

We'll see more of Crystal and less of Lee, which, I guess means Crystal really won. Yeah. Okay. Better now.

Still, I couldn't help thinking, as I watched Lee looking like a deer-in-headlight because even he knew he shouldn't have won, and as I thought back to the Past Idol group song a few minutes earlier, that none of the winners, except for Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood, and none of the so-called losers, save Chris Daughtry and Jennifer Hudoson, ever went further.

So, American Idol isn't current. It isn't fresh. It's as stale as Ryan Seacrest's between song patter. And, like Simon, I'm done with it.