The Dowager Congressman and His Longtime Companion Videographer

Oh Aaron Schock; when the pretty stumble, it’s pretty spectacular.

It appears that the Dowager Congressman™ — so  named because of his Downton Abbey-esque redo of his private offices … for which he charged the taxpayers $35,000 that he subsequently paid back because, well, it was wrong and unethical, and dare I say, illegal — is now deeper into the hot water.

Schock may have, ALLEGEDLY, improperly, accepted money from an outside group to the cover travel expenses for his, um, companion, Jonathon Link, on a trip to India and then failed to disclose the ALLEGEDLY improperly accepted money which is a violation of House rules.

It seems that Schock’s August 2014 “official business” trip to India, during which he met with Prime Minister Narendra Modi, was funded by the Global Poverty Project, an organization working to alleviate extreme poverty internationally. Schock also took along his bestie, Jonathon Link [right], his “personal” photographer and videographer, and Global Poverty Project paid for his expenses, too.

To be fair, the organization offered to pay for one staffer to accompany The Dowager Congressman™ as long as the staffer flew economy, and another aide was originally scheduled to make the trip. But when the Global Poverty Project said they were looking for a photographer, Schock suggested Link, with whom he has worked in the past.

The problem is that House rules allow a member, in this case Aaron Schock, to accept private money for a companion's travel expenses only if that companion is member of the Congressman’s staff, a spouse, or a child; Jonathon Link is none of those things to Aaron Schock, and, in fact, did not appear on Schock's official or campaign payroll until September 2014, a full month after he traveled to India with Schock.

And to make matters worse, Congressman Schock never disclosed that Jonathon Link was his travel buddy on that trip, breaking another set of rules that say members must disclose money they accept from private sources and are also required to disclose in writing when someone accompanies them on a trip paid for by an outside organization.

Aaron Schock did neither of those things. Instead, a disclosure form filed by Schock after returning from India makes no mention of Link traveling with him, and no mention of the $4,000 the Global Poverty Project separately paid for Link to travel from Dallas to New Delhi, and lodge and feed him. It seems Aaron Schock likes to travel large, and likes to have other people pay for it, and likes to have other people pay for his BFF to come along; what he doesn’t like to do is admit that he’s done that.

A spokesperson for The Dowager congressman™ declined to comment on the specifics of the trip and would only say that Aaron Schock has enlisted attorneys to lead a review of his compliance procedures.

Jonathon Link is also not talking, but … wait, there’s more …

After voting to freeze salaries for federal workers through 2015 and after opposing any minimum wage increases, Aaron Schock gave huge pay raises and/or bonuses to most of the staff members in his taxpayer-funded office during the last three months of 2014. Let’s dish:

Anthony DeThomas was a paid intern who started working for Schock August 7, 2014, earning some $1,000 a month; by October he was a “temporary employee” with a salary of $18,000 from October through December—roughly $6,000 a month; in fact, his paycheck was bigger than most of the members of Schock’s staff .

As for Jonathon Link, the full time personal photographer, he began “working” for the Schock on September 1, earning $4,166 for that month; the next month he was given a raise and began earning $5,660 a month. In addition to his congressional salary, Jonathon Link’s photography studio was paid more than $29,000 for “Web Dev Hst, Email and Rltd Serv.”  Not a bad gig for three months work: nearly $22,000 in paychecks, another $30,000 to your business, and a free trip with your buddy to India.

Matthew Chambers, a staff assistant, earned $8,888 a month from July through September but received an additional $13,000 from October through December.

Genevieve Dejean, a constituent services representative, earned $7,516 from July through September, but received $10,500 from October through December.

Michael Gilmore, a military/veteran specialist, earned $9,999 from July to September and then $13,999 from October through December.

Kelli Ripp, a legislative assistant, received $11,250 from July to September and $16,250 from October through December.

Sarah Rogers, executive assistant, received $16,250 from July to September and $26,250 from October through December.

Mark Roman, deputy chief of staff, was paid roughly $10,000 a month for the first nine months of 2014, but was then paid twice that much for the last three months of the year.

Bryan Rudolph, district office manager, was paid $15,000 from July to September and $20,000 from October through December.

Overall, after The Dowager Congressman™ voted to freeze salaries, and after he voted against any wage increases, Schock’s office payroll nearly doubled from $172,000 in the third quarter of 2014 to more than $300,000 in the fourth. Oh yeah, and that’s during the same time frame that the House — of which Schock is a member — shut down the government.

I certainly hope that team of lawyers The Dowager Congressman™ has hired are working overtime to explain this; and I hope that Aaron Schock isn’t asking some private organization to pay his legal bills, or seeking reimbursement for the taxpayers he represents to cover his attorney fees.

Maybe, he could ask anyone on his staff, or even Jonathon Link, to lend his some cash while he continues to fight allegations of being kind of a thief … and a hypocrite.

I said it before, but when pretty people stumble, they do so in spectacular fashion.

sources:

National Journal
Blue Nation Review

On This Date In ISBL History: Would It Be So Schocking?

As Carlos and I are in sunny Miami for business and pleasure, I thought I’d do something I’ll call “On This Date In ISBL History” and repost some things from back when the blog was new, and newish … this was originally published January 7, 2014:

Would It Be So Schocking?

Y’all know Aaron Schock, right? The Illinois Congressman with the flashy wardrobe? I mean, come on, who pairs a turquoise belt with white pants and red gingham shirt unless they have a savvy sense of fashion? Well, maybe a gay man because we all know that The Gays are very fashion forward.

So when that picture came out the internet was flooded with the stories and theories and gossip that Schock was gay; shocking because he’s also a Republican and they are not known for being all that gay-friendly. But soon the idea that Schock was a Friend of Dorothy’s settled down, but then he appeared shirtless on magazine covers and in photographs and the rumors started again.

Then last week, amidst new rumors that he is gay, Aaron Schock closed his Instagram account — which he has used to post so-not-gay photos of himself — to the public after journalist Itay Hod posted his thoughts about a Gay Aaron Schock on Facebook:

here's a hypothetical: what if you know a certain GOP congressman, let's just say from Illinois, is gay... and you know this because one of your friends, a journalist for a reputable network, told you in no uncertain terms that he caught that GOP congressman and his male roommate in the shower... together. now they could have been good friends just trying to conserve water. but there's more. what if this congressman has also been caught by tmz cameras trolling gay bars. now what if you know that this very same guy, the darling of the gop, has also voted against repeal of don’t ask don’t tell, opposed the repeal of doma, is against gay marriage; and for the federal marriage amendment, which would add language to the us constitution banning gay marriage and would likely strike down every gay rights law and ordinance in the country?

Are we still not allowed to out him? 

let me ask another question... doesn't the media have an OBLIGATION to expose his hypocrisy? if he had done something so hypocritical and he wasn't gay, wouldn't we demand journalists do their job? but they can't... because we won't let them. you're not allowed to out ANYONE, we tell them. 

we've created a situation where even though news organizations know this guy is gay, they can't report it because he hasn't said so on twitter. 

if we keep saying that being gay is genetic; ergo, it's no different than having blue eyes or blonde hair... than why are not allowed to mention it? why do we need anyone's consent to talk about their sexuality? are we not allowed to say someone has blue eyes until they post a fb message telling us they are in fact blue?

So, someone, someone, caught Aaron and a buddy showering together, but that someone isn't speaking directly. And someone, someone, says Schock trolls gay bars but I don't see those pictures on the web. And, really, does going to a gay bar make you gay? I have straight friends who go to gay bars because The Gays always have the best music.

And where is the arrest for Aaron Schock? You know, like Larry Craig, of the bathroom stall wide stance, foot tapping , under the stall low-fiving? Where is that? So far, all we have is someone telling someone and someone putting it on Facebook. Again, that doesn't make you gay.

Aaron Schock vehemently denies he’s gay, and, well, his actions seem to suggest that he is, in fact, very straight, very anti-LGBT, or else a deeply shamed closeted self-loathing homosexual. But we don’t know which because no one is coming forward to say they’ve had a sexual relationship with Aaron and Aaron ain’t talking.

Unless he’s spouting off about his disapproval for marriage equality; in fact, Schock supports a federal amendment banding same-sex marriages; he also opposed the repeal of DADT; opposes the repeal of DOMA and voted against adding sexual orientation to federal hate crimes statutes. If Aaron Schock is gay, he certainly has made it clear that he hates us and himself.

So, is he or isn’t he? Well, my response is the same response I have used at my job; being the only openly gay male at work, I am always asked, by the Heterosexual Contingent, if a certain male employee or client is gay because of my natural GayDar. I generally reply that I don’t know because, well, my GayDar isn’t the best and also because, as I say to my co-workers — and excuse my language — “I haven’t f**ked him yet.”

See, that’s how we’d know. A gay man has sex with men, or is at the very least sexually attracted to men. And a turquoise belt, while certainly flamboyant and a daring fashion choice, doesn’t make a man gay. Neither does having a hot body that you like to show off, though most gay men do like to show themselves off while they’re looking good.

And having someone say someone’s gay on Facebook doesn’t make you gay; having Mike Rogers, who loves to out gay politicians, say “Anybody who knows Aaron Schock, anybody who has half of a brain cell, knows he's gay” doesn’t make him gay.

Aaron Schock will be gay when, or if, he comes out as a gay man. And who knows, he might; he might become the GOP Gay Poster Boy, marching in parades in rainbow leather chaps and no shirt. He might fall in love with the boy next door and hope to marry him one day. Who knows?

None of us knows until Aaron tells us. And again, when, or if, he does announce his gayness, I’d like to hold off on the National Day of Gayness Recognition, and hold off on the awarding of The Gay Agenda and the Official Coming Out Toaster Oven to ask him why, why, WHY he was so anti-gay in his politics; was it self-loathing? Was it trying to shine a light somewhere else so the disco ball doesn’t shine on him? Or does he really believe that the LGBT community is just a bunch of second class citizen who don’t deserve the same rights and privileges bestowed upon heterosexual Americans?

I don’t care if Schock is gay. I don’t care if anyone is gay. I’d just like to like in a world where people can be honest about who they are and who they love and why they chose that belt.

In November 2016, former Illinois congressman Aaron Schock was charged in a 24-count indictment Thursday, alleging that he defrauded the government of more than $100,000 by falsifying vouchers for reimbursement for personnel travel, and filing false tax returns. 

Schock had resigned from Congress in 2015 after federal investigators dug into allegations of the lawmaker's questionable spending on air travel and office decor.

To this day Aaron Schock maintains he is full-on heterosexual.

Is Rep. Aaron Schock On The Down [ton Abbey] Low?

I have never been to the Rayburn House Office Building is Washington, DC, where many members of Congress have their offices, bit according to Ben Terris of the Washington Post, it’s your typical drab, beige, bureaucratic government building.

When a member of Congress moves into an office in the Rayburn, the rooms are spare and bare; furniture and computers are of the hand-me-down-from-the-last-tenant variety. But new members are allowed to paint, though they have limited choices that the House will provide: beige, eggshell, light blue, light gray or light yellow — that the House will provide. If you wish a different color, then the lawmaker must pay for that.

Which is how we come to Congressman Aaron Schock’s offices; y’all remember Schock, right? He, of the turquoise belt and gingham blouse, er, shirt, in the photo that went viral; the one that made us all wonder if he might be a little light in the Congressional loafers?

Schock’s new office — his outer office — is bold, bright red; there are gold-colored wall sconces with black candles; there’s a Federal-style bull’s-eye mirror with an eagle perched on top and, according to the woman at the front desk, it’s “based off of the red room in ‘Downton Abbey.’”

How very Dowager Countess. Terris was suddenly interested, and then another woman came out and asked if he’d like to see the rest; would he?

She introduced herself as Annie Brahler, the interior decorator whose company, Euro Trash, designed Schock’s new digs. She escorted Terris into Schock’s private office, another dramatic red room with a crystal chandelier, a table propped up by two eagles, a bust of Abraham Lincoln and massive arrangements of pheasant feathers.

Pheasant feathers. Terris was intrigued, but then he received a call on his cell phone: Schock’s communications director, Benjamin Cole who asked who told him that he could photograph the office. Cole said, "Stay where you are. You’ve created a bit of a crisis in the office.”

A staff member came in and asked Terris to delete the photos from my phone, but, well, that didn’t exactly happen and that’s when the story really took off.

See, Schock’s people wanted Terris to delete the pictures, and not do any story about the redecoration of his offices, but rather allow Schock to talk about any number of other things … like the six pack abs he proudly displays on the cover of Men’s Health; or his Instagram, which features him leaping for joy on a South American glacier — see that photo HERE — or smiling with Ariana Grande.

You know, political stiff. Not the gossipy stuff like what his new office is like.

Brahler, happy to let a reporter tour the office and see her work, was taken aback by all the fuss over the pictures. She’d met Schock several years ago, after he’d seen her work featured in magazines and offered her services for free, though Schock, according to Congressional rules, would have to pay for the furnishings.

So she decorated his old offices in the Cannon House Office Building, and when he moved into the Rayburn, he called again; she admits that, while his office looks kind of Downton-esque, it’s not a replica of the television show, it's just what Schock wanted.

Meanwhile, back to Benjamin Cole, recovering from the fit he threw that a reporter was in the office; he explained that Schock hadn’t seen the finished space yet and wondered if it was a bit unfair to write about it before the congressman had seen it. Terris agreed, though he asked if he could be there when Schock got his first peek-a-boo.

That was all well and good, until Aaron Schock decided he wasn’t interested in doing a whole story about how his office is decorated; he’d talk about anything else — well, not the turquoise belt — but would rather not discuss his offices.

And he sent Cole, his communications director, to make a point to Terris: the office is definitely not based on Downton Abbey because, well, maybe Schock doesn’t watch the show and he definitely doesn’t want to talk about it.

But someone does want to talk, and that’s the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington [CREW]  who have asked the Office of Congressional Ethics) to investigate whether Republican Schock violated House rules by accepting free interior decorating work for his not Downton Abbey inspired offices.

CREW reports, via press release:

 “Perhaps it’s not totally surprising that the same congressman who spent campaign money on P90X workout DVDs wanted to create a more picturesque setting in which to be photographed, but the rules clearly require him to pay for those renovations himself. Again and again, Rep. Schock’s seeming obsession with his image impedes his ability to conduct himself in ethical manner.”

House rules prohibit members of Congress from accepting gifts, which are defined in the rules as any “item having monetary value” — like interior decoration services — and the rules explicitly prohibit members from using “outside private donations, funds, or in-kind goods and services” — as in campaign contributions — to pay for their congressional office.

CREW is also asking that Schock be investigated as to whether or not he used campaign funds to pay for his office furniture. They state that in 2012 campaign paid $5,522 to Brahler’s company for what it described as “office equipment” but with the revelation now that Brahler redecorated Schock’s previous suite, they seem to believe that campaign funds were used to pretty up Aaron spaces — a clear violation of House rules.

Maybe Schock should have just asked Brahler to redecorate his closet; that way no one would have seen it except for him.

Just sayin’ … and then Aaron said, when cornered by NBC News to ask about his Downton Office:

“I'm different. I came to Congress at 27 … as Taylor Swift said, 'haters are gonna hate.'"

Downton-Abbey-Office-Working-Turquoise-Belt-Wearing-Shirltess-Congressman-Quoting-A-Taylor-Swift-Song.

So.Not.Gay.

sources:

Towleroad: Aaron Schock's New Office
Towleroad: Aaron Schock Ethics Charge
Washington Post
New Civil Rights Movement

Would It Be So Schocking?

Y’all know Aaron Schock, right? The Illinois Congressman with the flashy wardrobe? I mean, come on, who pairs a turquoise belt with white pants and red gingham shirt unless they have a savvy sense of fashion? Well, maybe a gay man because we all know that The Gays are very fashion forward.

So when that picture came out the internet was flooded with the stories and theories and gossip that Schock was gay; shocking because he’s also a Republican and they are not known for being all that gay-friendly. But soon the idea that Schock was a Friend of Dorothy’s settled down, but then he appeared shirtless on magazine covers and in photographs and the rumors started again.

Then last week, amidst new rumors that he is gay, Aaron Schock closed his Instagram account — which he has used to post so-not-gay photos of himself — to the public after journalist Itay Hod posted his thoughts about a Gay Aaron Schock on Facebook:

here's a hypothetical: what if you know a certain GOP congressman, let's just say from Illinois, is gay... and you know this because one of your friends, a journalist for a reputable network, told you in no uncertain terms that he caught that GOP congressman and his male roommate in the shower... together. now they could have been good friends just trying to conserve water. but there's more. what if this congressman has also been caught by tmz cameras trolling gay bars. now what if you know that this very same guy, the darling of the gop, has also voted against repeal of don’t ask don’t tell, opposed the repeal of doma, is against gay marriage; and for the federal marriage amendment, which would add language to the us constitution banning gay marriage and would likely strike down every gay rights law and ordinance in the country?

Are we still not allowed to out him? 

let me ask another question... doesn't the media have an OBLIGATION to expose his hypocrisy? if he had done something so hypocritical and he wasn't gay, wouldn't we demand journalists do their job? but they can't... because we won't let them. you're not allowed to out ANYONE, we tell them. 

we've created a situation where even though news organizations know this guy is gay, they can't report it because he hasn't said so on twitter. 

if we keep saying that being gay is genetic; ergo, it's no different than having blue eyes or blonde hair... than why are not allowed to mention it? why do we need anyone's consent to talk about their sexuality? are we not allowed to say someone has blue eyes until they post a fb message telling us they are in fact blue?

So, someone, someone, caught Aaron and a buddy showering together, but that someone isn't speaking directly. And someone, someone, says Schock trolls gay bars but I don't see those pictures on the web. And, really, does going to a gay bar make you gay? I have straight friends who go to gay bars because The Gays always have the best music.

And where is the arrest for Aaron Schock? You know, like Larry Craig, of the bathroom stall wide stance, foot tapping , under the stall low-fiving? Where is that? So far, all we have is someone telling someone and someone putting it on Facebook. Again, that doesn't make you gay.

Aaron Schock vehemently denies he’s gay, and, well, his actions seem to suggest that he is, in fact, very straight, very anti-LGBT, or else a deeply shamed closeted self-loathing homosexual. But we don’t know which because no one is coming forward to say they’ve had a sexual relationship with Aaron and Aaron ain’t talking.

Unless he’s spouting off about his disapproval for marriage equality; in fact, Schock supports a federal amendment banding same-sex marriages; he also opposed the repeal of DADT; opposes the repeal of DOMA and voted against adding sexual orientation to federal hate crimes statutes. If Aaron Schock is gay, he certainly has made it clear that he hates us and himself.

So, is he or isn’t he? Well, my response is the same response I have used at my job; being the only openly gay male at work, I am always asked, by the Heterosexual Contingent, if a certain male employee or client is gay because of my natural GayDar. I generally reply that I don’t know because, well, my GayDar isn’t the best and also because, as I say to my co-workers — and excuse my language — “I haven’t f**ked him yet.”

See, that’s how we’d know. A gay man has sex with men, or is at the very least sexually attracted to men. And a turquoise belt, while certainly flamboyant and a daring fashion choice, doesn’t make a man gay. Neither does having a hot body that you like to show off, though most gay men do like to show themselves off while they’re looking good.

And having someone say someone’s gay on Facebook doesn’t make you gay; having Mike Rogers, who loves to out gay politicians, say “Anybody who knows Aaron Schock, anybody who has half of a brain cell, knows he's gay” doesn’t make him gay.

Aaron Schock will be gay when, or if, he comes out as a gay man. And who knows, he might; he might become the GOP Gay Poster Boy, marching in parades in rainbow leather chaps and no shirt. He might fall in love with the boy next door and hope to marry him one day. Who knows?

None of us knows until Aaron tells us. And again, when, or if, he does announce his gayness, I’d like to hold off on the National Day of Gayness Recognition, and hold off on the awarding of The Gay Agenda and the Official Coming Out Toaster Oven to ask him why, why, WHY he was so anti-gay in his politics; was it self-loathing? Was it trying to shine a light somewhere else so the disco ball doesn’t shine on him? Or does he really believe that the LGBT community is just a bunch of second class citizen who don’t deserve the same rights and privileges bestowed upon heterosexual Americans?

I don’t care if Schock is gay. I don’t care if anyone is gay. I’d just like to like in a world where people can be honest about who they are and who they love and why they chose that belt.

source

The Dowager Congressman Is In Hot Water

Y’all remember Illinois Representative Aaron Schock, right? He, of the turquoise belt and the gingham blouse as picnic wear? He, of the newly decorated Congressional offices done up a la Downton Abbey? Hence the title, ‘Dowager Congressman.’

Well, it appears that Schock’s lavish spending has caught up with him because he’s currently under investigation to see if he used taxpayer monies or campaign funds to travel the globe, throw lavish parties, take his staff to see Katy Perry, and buy himself a $75,000.00 truck.

And I fear it will get uglier before it’s over, and apparently so does Schock, as he has just hired a pair of big-shot DC defense attorneys — and a public relations firm — to respond to a potential ethics probe over how he pays for his fabulous turquoise belted life. And now come the rumors that Schock used his campaign and office accounts to pay for pricey first-class travel and accommodations on a trip he took to London nearly four years ago as part of an annual event featuring Prince Charles.

The Dowager Congressman is in full Scandal mode — where’s Olivia Pope, when you need her — saying, via a spokesman, that he is conducting an internal audit of his office staff to review his spending practices:

“After questions were first raised in the press, Congressman Schock took the proactive step of assembling a team to review the compliance procedures in his official office, campaign and leadership PAC. The purpose of the review is to identify any areas that need improvement and to assist with designing and implementing any changes. The congressman takes his compliance obligations seriously, which is why he took this proactive step to review these procedures.”

I love how they call it proactive; I mean, wouldn’t it have been more proactive had the audit been done before all the questions arose? This is more like backpedaling to cover one’s ass.

And this all started from that trip to London in 2011. Schock traveled with his longtime friend Shea Ledford — now on Schock’s payroll as a district special assistant — and stayed at Claridge’s, where the cheap rooms start at $500.00 a night. He also did some shopping Moss Bros., one of London’s more upscale clothiers, and attended the Royal Ascot, followed by drinks with then-U.S. Ambassador to England Louis Susman. He also participated in a Patron Dinner at the members-only club Annabel’s and was invited to formal dinners at Windsor Castle and Buckingham Palace … with Lord and Lady Grantham. Perhaps?

Oh, and he missed two days of Congressional votes during the trip.

To be fair, the trip included events organized by the nonprofit Prince of Wales Foundation, but it was not an official government trip and it was not reported as a gift. And even through their internal audit, The Dowager Congressman’s office would not, or could not, say if Schock personally paid for any part of the trip. Huh; you think that’d be easy to prove. Whip out a credit card statement; bring the canceled checks.

House rules require the Ethics Committee to sign off on any trip paid for by a private source, such as the Prince of Wales Foundation, a group which is refusing to comment on the matter at all. But, if the trip was approved by the Ethics Committee, Schock would have had to disclose the itinerary and who paid for it, and also declare it on his annual financial disclosure form.

Aaron Schock, the Dowager Congressman, never reported the trip.

Aaron Schock’s spending habits have been under the microscope for a while now, mostly due to his own need to post pictures of himself in exotic locations on his Instagram account, and it is now become clear that this London trip wasn’t the only glitch in Schock’s political spending kerfuffle.

Also in 2011, Schock took a 10-day trip to Saudi Arabia, along with Republican Representatives Marlin Stutzman of Indiana and Cynthia Lummis of Wyoming; a trip paid for by Saudi Arabia’s antiquities and tourism commission.

House members and employees may accept travel paid for by a foreign government without review by the ethics panel, but, again, they must disclose such trips taken under the Mutual Educational and Cultural Exchange Act on their annual financial disclosure forms.

Stutzman and Lummis listed the trip; Schock did not.

It looks like Aaron Schock doesn’t follow the rules, as others do, and likes to take fabulous trips, and buy himself pretty clothes — though never again a turquoise belt — and eat at wonderful venues and go to fabulous parties all the while missing votes … you know, part of the job for which the people of Illinois elected him.

But then a Dowager Congressman would never assume the rules applied to him.

via Politico

Top Chef: Power Bottoms And Power Lunches

QUICKFIRE

This will be quick.

The cheftestants enter the Top Chef Kitchen to find Padma waiting with Aaron "I'm-So-Not-Gay-That-I-Threw-Out-My-Favorite-Turquoise-Belt" Schock, the youngest, and gayest, member of Congress, to talk about eating food on a stick.

Something I think Aaron is quite thrilled about.

Pocket-Gay lets Padma explain that, in order to not unduly influence our elected representatives ::::::insert snicker here::::: by serving them lavish meals, our elected officials must eat Aaron Schock-sized, er, bite-sized, meals on a toothpick. No mention is made of offering up cash and drugs and hookers to our elected officials, but I guess they're saving that challenge for Top Money-Grubbing-Drug-Addicted-Whore.

Anyway, I won't bore you, or me , with what the chef'; made, I will simply let Aaron "I'm-Not-Gay" Schock tell you which items that he put into his mouth he enjoyed most:

He said Alex, of the Wonky Muppet Lips and Questionable Ethics [more on that later] had too much flavor, but that he did like the look of Ed's, um, stick, but not so much what was on it; he found that Kelly's stick lacked flavor--perhaps because she's a woman and the, um, stick, is not standard equipment, but I digress.

His favorites, and his praise:

Of Kevin, he said: "You were the first item I tasted and I thought about it all the way around the room."

Of Angelo, he purred: "Wow! [It] was like fireworks in my mouth."

Of Stephen, he minced: "All I could think of when I saw yours was, wow, there's a lot on that stick."

Then he squealed like a schoolgirl and announced Angelo's sexy stick as his favorite. But, and I will remind, Aaron Schock is NOT gay.

He's not! Stop it!

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

The cheftestants must prepare a power lunch to be served to power, um, lunchers, at Washington DC's power lunch spot, the elite Palm restaurant. There they will be judged by Oprah Winfrey’s former personal feeder, Art Smith, as well as serving lunch to power players Senator Mark Warner of Virginia, MSNBC's Joe Scarborough and Mika Brezinski and NBC White House Correspondent Savannah Guthrie.

The cheftestants draw knives to see which of the Palm's standard proteins they will be serving, and although there will be two of each dish, the judging is not side-by-side, but head on. It is a straight--no pun intended, Aaron--forward challenge, until it digresses into a special episode of Top Chef Mystery: The Case Of The Pureed Peas.

See, Ed bought peas to serve with his protein, and the day of the lunch the peas disappear. But Alex, who had no idea the night before exactly what he was going to do, suddenly had pureed peas.

Hmmmmmmmm.

THE LUNCH

The Porterhouse Gals

Amanda decided to debone her porterhouse, just like I imagine she debones her men, and served a New York Strip & Filet Mignon, Red Wine with Pomme Parisienne & Arugula.

She called it a "Duo Of Steak" because she knows that all great chefs often serve duos.

But the key word is "great" chef, and Amanda misses the mark.

She is sloppy and messy and scaterrbrained in the kitchen and I think she's the one Tom mentioned when he said some of the chefs were pigs.

But the Power Lunchers liked her Duo, so go figure.

Kelly served a Porterhouse with Crispy Potato-Arugula Salad, Roasted Shallot Demi-Glace.

She chose to serve it whole, to honor it--like it cares--meaning she expected the diners to wolf done some twenty ounces of meat--and, No, Aaron was not at the lunch so don't wonder if he could have done it.

He could. He has.

But Kelly, whose food has often been called bland, because she likes the delicate flavors, went wild with the salt, especially as other chefs [read: Amanda] asked to borrow it. Every time someone uttered the word salt, Kelly salted her steak; and her steak then asSALTed the judges palates.

There wasn't much but salt and salt and salt.

The Swordfish Twins

Andrea doesn't like swordfish.

She doesn't cook swordfish.

She doesn't serve swordfish.

So, she threw herself under the bus by serving the Swordfish with Israeli CousCous Risotto-style, and a--pardon me if I throw up a little in my mouth as I type this--Vanilla-Bean-Mustard-Buerre-Blanc. Which means vanilla, mustard, butter and white wine.

Her food was too much. Too sweet, too rich, too..........

My girl Tiffany, who is rapidly becoming my favorite because she tells it like it is, and then laughs about it, made more of a Mediterranean-inspired Swordfish with Olive-Raisin Tapenade with Broccolini & Bacon.
And while her fish may have been overcooked--and for that I blame either Amanda or Aaron Schock, because it's my blog and I can say what I want--her tapenade topping provided enough moisture to satisfy food-slut Gail Simmons.
Which is saying a lot.
But Tiffany cannot get over the overcooked fish and she places herself in the bottom.

The Salmon Wars
Alex served Applewood Smoked Salmon with Black Forbidden Rice & English Pea Puree, but not before he told all of us that there were too many thing you could do with salmon: broil it, saute it, poach it, grill it.

Make it into a hat or a broach.
Or, and I'm just saying, maybe you could serve it with someone else's pureed peas.
Which may not be far off the mark since the judges liked his dish--little 'l'--but they Loved--big 'L'--his peas. Oprah's former main gay, and I don't mean Gail, Art Smith, nearly had an orgasm when he slid Alex's, or Ed's, peas into his mouth.
Just sayin'.

Stephen's Salmon with Warmed Vegetable Salad & Worcestershire Vinaigrette, by comparison, was called messy and sloppy.
Stephen, by comparison, though, used his own food that he made himself and didn't pull it from the Miracle Pantry, AKA Ed's ice chest.
Steepen was given the nearly invisible edit this week, except for the drooling he did over Aaron Schock--"We walked into the kitchen and I saw this very young man _________"

You fill in the blank.
And he provided comic relief for his Seminar on being in the Bottom Three.
That's Stephen.
He's there, but he's not.

The Lobster Lovers
Ed did what he called a Poached Lobster Ballotine with Eggplant & English Pea-Asparagus Fricassee.
English peas, leftover from the missing pea puree.

I hear Miss Marple is on the case.
Everyone loved his lobster, and loved the roasted eggplant, but felt the dish didn't need the addition of the English Peas.
No, what it needed was his delicious English Pea Puree that went out with Alex's salmon.

Angelo also served butter Poached Lobster, but he paired his with a Lobster Froth and a Jicama, Arugula & Asian Pear Salad.
What's this? More Asian food from Angelo?
Quelle surprise. Not.
The judges thought his lobster chewy and Morning Joe didn't know what to make of the Lobster Froth.
I bet Aaron Shock knows what to do with a froth. You pair it with a turquoise belt and wear it to a picnic and then.....what? Oh! Froth?!? I thought you said 'frock'.
Aaron Schock is still gay.

The Lamb Lads

Kenny, who has been getting called out for throwing everything, including the kitchen sink--which he literally slewered and served at the Toothpick Quickfire--into a dish, opted to go minimal ::::giggle::::: and offered the diners a Peppered Lamb with Fig-Pistachio Bread Pudding, Fig Jam & Vanilla-Morel Demi Glace.
Simple, right.
If i was gonna simple it down, I would have made Lamb sandwich on Wonderbread with Miracle Whip.

That's simple food from a simpleton, er, wimple man.
But the judges like his fig jam, and his figgy pudding.

Kevin, AKA Dust Bunny Grande Dame, DavidDust's husband, gave us Double-Cut Chops with Olive & Goat Cheese Rissole, Mache & Tomato Concasse.
Everyone thought his lamb was overcooked, and that his concasse was too hot. I don't know how many times I've made a hot concasse, so I can feel Kevin's pain.
But, and this is what I don't get about the judging, Gail called it fiery, and said she liked her food, and apparently her men, hot and spicy, but at the judges table she called Kevin out on the heat.
Make up your mind Gail.

Back in The Stew Room

The conversation turns, as it's apt to do, toward the Case of The Missing Pea Puree.

Miss Marple has arrived and spent most of the evening questioning the cheftestants.

No one will admit to seeing Ed's puree stolen, and no one will admit to seeing Alex actually make a pea puree.

But, upon interrogation, Alex crumbles a bit when he says the idea of him having a pea puree and Ed's pea puree going missing was puree, er, purely, coincidental.

Miss Marple, the cheftestants, and Bob in Smallville, are not buying it.

Then Alex says he had no idea Ed was doing puree and Miss Marple goes to the videotape of the night before the challenge when Alex is in the kitchen and Kenny tells him that Ed made a pea puree. I think Alex's eyes glimmered a bit, and he spent the rest of the evening in his room, with the Candlestick, plotting his crime.

THE JUDGING: THE WINNERS
Tiffany , Ed and Alex are called before the panel and declared the winners.

Tiffany, and, again, for the record, I am now Team Tiffany, began to weep because she thought her overcooked fish would have landed her in the bottom. But Gail assures her that the tapenade had enough moisture to save her.

I like that about Tapenade. It always saves me.

Ed Volkswagen-sized lobsters were given high-praise, but then the mood turned sour.
Alex was praised from one end of the table to the other over his silky, rich, fabulous pea puree. While his salmon was perfectly cooked it was the pea puree that sealed the deal. Once again, Art Smith has an orgasm as he declares the puree, er, Alex, the winner.

The prize is that the Palm will add Alex's dish to their menu--probably for about an hour, on a Tuesday--and that he will get his caricature, and by caricature I mean photograph because Alex already is a caricature--on the wall.

I'm hoping it's the wall of the men's room, right above a urinal.

THE LOSERS
Andrea, Kevin, and Kelly are dragged kicking and screaming from The Stew Room to face the inquisition where they are all charged with Crimes Of Stupidity.
Andrea gets called out for that vanilla-mustard sauce. personally, I would have shot her on the spot. And then she goes on and on about how she doesn't eat, or cook, or serve, swordfish, and Art Smith says, We know, it showed on the plate.

SNAP!

Kevin, who seems, with the exception of once, to be a true Bottom Boy, and gets the Colicchio Beatdown for his overcooked lamb. He tries to cover by saying he likes his lamb medium, but he wasn't serving the lamb to himself. And we've already gone over the Gail Simmons Red Chile Pepper About Face on his concasse.

Wow! That sounds dirty.

Kelly is up next and is charged wit a simple case of asSALT with a Deadly Spice. She does her best to cover, but as the judges sit at the table, all of them drinking from garden hoses, her arguments are mute.

It"sToo.Much.Salt.

THE PACK YOUR KNIVES AND GO AWARD

Andrea is told to get out because of that vanilla bean fiasco, and she offers up Standard Reality Show Excuse For Getting Kicked Off Number 751: I didn't get to show my true self. I was too busy playing the game.

Well, Andrea, now you have lots of time to show your 'true' self, only, seriously, honey, stay away from the vanilla.