Why Is It ...

… that when I create a To Do List, it lists things like burst someone’s bubble, or stir the pot, or toot my own horn … add my two cents … skate on thin ice … add fuel to the fire.

… that while I was at the bakery I heard a little boy behind me cry to his mother, “Mom, there are only four donuts left!” and when the counterperson asked what I wanted I said, “Four donuts please.”

… that while I am awful at sit ups and lousy at push ups my fuck ups are top notch.

… that I've always wondered if any of my recorded calls have been used for training or quality purposes.

… that y’all need to know that you can’t believe everything I post on here cuz Rosita is always stealing my phone

… that y’all don’t realize if your birth year starts with 19 you shouldn’t be wrapping presents on the floor

… I follow the 7/7/7 plan at work … do my job for 7 minutes, then spend 7 minutes booking a cruise and then disappear for 7 days

… that when people tell me I’m intimidating I always say, ‘Good. Think three times before speaking to me.’

… that you need to know that I am not an asshole; I am a hemorrhoid and I only irritate assholes.

… that I love it when one of the cats sighs and I say, “Oh, what’s up my little unemployed freeloader?”