I Didn't Say It ...

Rachel Maddow, on Michael Cohen’s disclosure that Sean Hannity was his third, previously undisclosed client.

“In court today we got the name of Cohen’s third client made public and honestly, don’t even ask me to tell you what it means … This is like: Every day you get up, you take a shower, you get dressed, you go out to the driveway to start the car. Every day it’s the same, you do this every single day of your life. Except today you got in the car, you put the key into the dashboard, you went to turn it to start the engine like you do every day and today the engine didn’t start and instead terrifying circus music started playing and the hood flew up and clowns and monkeys and elephants flew out instead. What? It’s who? Go ahead and make sense of that why don’t you.”

It's Maddow’s lucky day!

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James Comey, on _____’s fitness to be president:

“A person who sees moral equivalence in Charlottesville, who talks about and treats women like they’re pieces of meat, who lies constantly about matters big and small and insists the American people believe it — that person’s not fit to be president of the United States, on moral grounds.”

Think on that, ______ supporters, and if you can say with a straight, honest face, that if Barack Obama had said or done even one of those things you’d have no issue, you’re deceiving yourself.

I mean, y’all went mad over Barack’s tan suit.

Take a seat.

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Madonna, on her new beauty regimen … a ‘butt’ mask:

“It’s kind of a no-brainer. You can take any face mask and try it on your behind. Skin is skin. I think people would want the skin on their butt to be smooth, glowing, and hydrated. I mean, I know I do. There are certain special people that get to see our butt and you want it to look its finest.”

Okay so she uses a face mask on her ass; still, it begs the question, “Butterface?”

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Stephen Colbert, on the news that Sean Hannity had been revealed as Michael Cohen’s mystery third client:

“Cohen only has two other clients and all he does for them is pay off mistresses. Which raises the obvious question – who does Sean Hannity have sex with?”

Himself, no doubt.

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Patti LuPone, on movie actors doing theater:

“I don’t necessarily need to see film actors on stage, because they can’t. Not in my country they can’t. Can I just say, Uma Thurman in The Parisian Woman, anybody see it? Holy shit! I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m not sure there is a stigma anymore (about film actors doing theater), perhaps there should be. You want those people to come to the stage for the right reason and that is to honor the stage, honor the theatre and not be in for themselves, and I’m not saying that Uma was. It’s hard work, so I want you to understand that I have nothing against Uma Thurman.”

Oh Patti, I love you. You have zero f&ks to give! And, I imagine that when the time comes to nominate actors for Tony’s Patti will be all, “Not Uma!!!!!!”

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Corey Lewandowski, former ______ lapdog, on James Comey to Fox News:

“This is the same Jim Comey who was in charge of the Boston bombing at the time where we had a terrorist attack in Boston. This is man who failed time and time and time again, when he was the head of the FBI, to protect American citizens and now he wants to say that the president of the United States, a duly-elected president, is a mob boss? Look, Jim Comey has no credibility and he lost his credibility when lied under oath before Congress.”

Listen up: This Is A Lie. The Boston Marathon bombing took place on April 15th, 2013 when James Comey was a private citizen; he wasn’t appointed FBI director, by President Obama, until September 2013.

This is a _____ lapdog lying again for _____.

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John Fugelsang, on the news that Sean Hannity is Michael Cohen’s mystery client:

“Sean Hannity reminds you: Michael Cohen wasn’t his lawyer. But he still expects attorney-client privilege. And he has nothing to hide. But he ordered Michael Cohen not to reveal him. And he defended Michael Cohen all week. But now Michael Cohen’s a liar. And that’s why Hillary Clinton must be stopped.”

Seriously; these are the facts.

Ridiculous, right?

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