Why Is It ...

… that no one ever told me rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive

… that people don’t realize the biggest joke on mankind is that computers are now asking us to prove we aren’t robots.

… that while money can’t buy happiness it’s easier to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.

…that people need to know that if they have a problem with me they can always call me, but if you don’t have my number you clearly don’t know me well enough to have a problem

… that Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant but we’re trying for world peace.

… that when a co-worker muttered something about profanity being low class, all I could think to say was, “Apologies, my good bitch, but what seems to be the fuck?”

… that sometimes it blows my mind to realize that I was the most qualified sperm

… that sometimes you have to keep forgiving them while searching for someone to replace them; it’s called elimination by substitution

… that one minute you’re young and the next you have a favorite pharmacy

… that people should learn that self-care isn’t always chocolate and Netflix, sometimes it’s getting out of bed and doing more difficult tasks like summoning a demon to help with the dishes or finding the right number of chickens to appease the thing that lives in the attic