Saturday, April 15, 2017

It's Snarkurday: Breakups and Makeups

Breakup ... Mariah Carey and her backup-dancer-boy-toy, Brian Tanaka.

It's true, sadly; Mimi and her ‘Casper Smart,’ if you will, are over; and even that tender, totally spontaneous hot tub moment from Mariah’s craptastic reality show, Mariah’s World, couldn’t save them.

But, my friends, is it a shock? I mean, she went from being engaged to a billionaire who gave her a $10 million engagement ring, to a dancer who eats Ramen five nights a week, and we all know Mimi’s about the coins, not the Cup’o’Noodles.
Breakup ... Janet Jackson and her billionaire husband Wissam Al Mana.

After five ALLEGED years of marriage, and I say ‘ALLEGED’ because Janet never revealed when they wed, it's come to an end ALLEGEDLY because the marriage became too tough for Controlling Jackson.

Al Mana, a Muslim, ALLEGEDLY laid down the law to Miss Jackson and told her to tone down her costumes, and not show so much skin, when she toured in 2014; it was also suggested that he forbid any bumping, grinding, hip thrusts, or crotch grabs in her videos.

But apparently the end came when Al Mana was less than sympathetic to Janet’s mother, Katherine, and her claims of elder abuse against her nephew Trent. 

You diss mama, and Janet moves out ... apparently. And she moves out with what is ALLEGED to be a prenup settlement of somewhere between $200 and $00 million dollars.

For five years of marriage? Where do I sign up?
Makeup ... Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and Vin Diesel.

There was a lot of talk about diva behavior and catfights on the set of The Fate Of The Furious last summer after Johnson Instagrammed about “someone” being Public Asshole #1 on the set, and it was clear he was talking pint-sized, balding diva Vin.

Diesel then shot back by promising to spill the tea on Dwayne, but apparently he just meant that one time he actually spilled iced tea on Johnson ... or something.

But now the Big Man and Little Boy, with the movie opening, are playing nice with one another ... just in case there’s a Fate of the Furious Two.
Breakup ... Gwyneth Paltrow and Reality.

It seems Paltrow, after declaring herself a lifestyle expert and pissing off Martha, is now coming for Not-A-Real-Doctor Phil.

Yup, Goop is now lecturing depressed people on how to deal with their illness and her solution is something she calls “earthing.”

It involves walking around on earth with your shoes off.

Like I said, Goop and Reality broke up and Reality got custody of the brain.
Breakup ... Makeup ... Breakup ... Phil Collins’ third ex-wife, and current girlfriend, Orianne Collins.

Last week Orianne finally  settled her bitter divorce with businessman Charles Fouad Mejjati. She had claimed that Mejjati made her sign papers giving him their multimillion-dollar Miami home and primary custody of their son while she was under the influence of painkillers from a surgical procedure, but now all that’s been settled amicably ... with a large check to Orianne.

Don’t think that’s shade ... Orianne got some $50 million from Collins when she divorced him and now that she’s back with him again, she still gets to keep those coins.
Breakup ... Orlando Bloom and The Truth.

It was just eight months ago, when photographers captured Bloom paddleboarding with his then-girlfriend Katy Perry while he was buck nekkid and now he’s trying to tell us that he had no idea people would be interested in his penis.

Bloom says he has a certain “radar” about paparazzi being nearby but when he was nude paddleboarding for some reason his radar was on the fritz and he had no idea anyone was taking dick shots of him.

Yup, a movie star dating  a pop star goes to a public beach—I almost wrote “pubic” beach—and drops trou to short the world his Little Bloom and doesn’t think anyone, anyone, will snap a photo or two.

Sit down, Orlando, and put your pants on.
Makeup ... Caitlyn Jenner and her Olympic-sized Ego.

Jenner has a new memoir, The Secrets Of My Life, and talks about having gender reassignment surgery, but she knew she’d need something far juicier to sell some copies and what’s juicier: OJ Simpson.

Since the OJ trial got a lot of attention last year—American Crime Story and O.J.: Made In America—Caitlyn brings it up in her book and pulls out some new details about Robert Kardashian, the ex-husband of Bruce Jenner’s former wife, That Woman.

Caitlyn is now claiming that Kardashian—who has since passed away and cannot call her a lair—told her that he thought OJ was guilty; okay, not so juicy.

Caitlyn then says that she knows that Kardashian only took the case—becoming part of Simpson’s ‘Dream Team’—because That Woman hated OJ and he wanted to get back at her for leaving him and marrying an Olympic Gold medalist.

Wow, only Caitlyn Jenner could insert herself into the OJ case twenty-five years later.


Helen Lashbrook said...

Perhaps Caitlyn has been taking lessons from Trumpelstiltskin?

anne marie in philly said...

da fuq is wrong with these self-absorbed idiots?

and have you seen the pix of janet's kid; looks nothing like either of them; can you say "surrogate" just like her brother?

Blobby said...

"he forbid any bumping, grinding, hip thrusts, or crotch grabs in her videos." LOLLLLLL Lies. All lies. Janet Jackson doesn't make videos anymore. She doesn't even make music anyone buys anymore.