It's Snarkurday!

Oh Paltrow ... really? Rumor has it that Gwyneth Paltrow is trying to make GOOP appeal to, um, well, those of us who can’t afford a $2,000 t-shirt; those of us who live in what Paltrow once politely termed “flyover” states—as in states you’d never visit unless there was an emergency landing; those of us she considers “peasants.”

And so, if you aren’t into letting Stanley Steamer clean your hoo-haw, and you aren’t into Barefoot In The Dirt therapy, er, um, Earthing, she is now trying to make fast-food the In Thing.

If you go to Dairy Queen GOOP recommends the “50-calorie fudge bar” and not much else. Chipotle? GOOP says have a bowl, with some brown rice, or “if you’re hungry. Load up on the veggies, skip the dairy, add black beans, and you’re good to go.”

At Wendy’s you can eat “Power Mediterranean Chicken Salad” with no hummus, or, if having a burger—and the Shamers will come for you—at least switch the fries out for a baked potato ... with no sour cream EVER!!!! And try the veggie-heavy sandwich at Subway ... but don’t eat the bread! Throw it away!

Look, here’s the deal, Gwyneth Paltrow is a spoiled self-entitled rich bitch who thinks she knows what’s best for everyone ... at least everyone with a substantial bank account. She did not go to any one of these places and try the food; she no doubt had testers that were ordered to try the food but don’t swallow ... if you want to keep you job.

Paltrow and Fast Food is like _____ and the Truth; they have never met.

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That Woman is on a rampage to restore her crap-fest “reality” show to its former glory now that the ratings are in freefall. But what can she do? Kim cannot get robbed again? Kanye cannot get any crazier? Should the drunken ex-husband come back into the fold? Should one of the younger ones get pregnant? What does a FameWhoring Mother do when her children don’t make sex tapes she can sell?

She turns to her newest trainwreck, Rob and Blac Chyna, and tries to get them back together if only for the sake of the show; let ‘em crash and burn for ratings like a normal family.

And, in order to do that, That Woman is hurling some coins at Blac Chyna ... and since Chyna is used to having coins tossed her way, or dollar bills slipped into her g-string, she’s on-board.

See, now that the KUWTK ratings are down, That Woman needs ... neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeds ... Rob and Chyna’s show, Rob & Chyna, to be the hit she so desperately craves because, you know, she doesn’t have a job other than whoring out her kids; so she offered to cut Chyna a child support check.

Oh, not to support the child she had with Rob; no, silly, these coins are for the child Chyna had with Rob’s sister’s ex-boyfriend, Tyga, who, for some reason, cannot afford child support. And That Woman will cut the checks only as long as Chyna stays with Rob and works on their show.

Gosh, with Mother’s Day coming up, I now know who should get top honors ...

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Janet Jackson has always been secretive about her life; she even got married, and divorced, twice, with nary a word about it. Then, earlier this year, she announced she was with child, had the baby at fifty and then divorced her billionaire husband, Wissam Al Mana.

There were some who thought Janet waited to have that baby knowing that her coins from the prenup would double if she had a child, but that might not be true ... except it is. And so now Wissam is coming out to dish about the Missus.

Wissam went to his website, because that’s what one does, to give some snark about Janet in the form a few cryptic passages from the Quran:

“You shall most certainly be tried in your possessions and in your persons; and indeed you shall hear many hurtful things from those to whom revelation was granted before your time, as well as from those who have come to ascribe divinity to other beings beside Allah. But if you remain patient in adversity and conscious of Him—this, behold, is something to set one’s heart upon.”

Sounds like Wissam is coming for Janet.

Where is my bucket of popcorn?

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Apparently being the daughter of a multimillionaire media tycoon isn’t enough to save you from financial dire straits.

Tori Spelling.

It appears that the IRS—tired of waiting for a check—has emptied the bank accounts of Spelling and her adulterer husband Dean Something-Or-Other.

Last July, it was reported that the couple—who had their fifth child in March—were slammed with a federal tax lien for $707,487.30 in unpaid federal taxes for 2014. And then Something-Or-Other’s—quick Google search reveals the deadbeats last name is McDermott—ex-wife, Mary Jo Eustace, threatened him with jail over unpaid child support and Dean sobbed to the court that he and the Missus have, ahem, “fallen on hard times.”

And that might be true, because in November 2016, the couple was sued by American Express over an unpaid credit-card balance of $87,595.55; AMEX sued them earlier in year over a $37,981.97 bill.

So what do Tori and Dean do? Well, their tried to turn their lives, and this fifth child, the Band-Aid baby they created in the hopes of salvaging their marriage and their bank accounts, into a reality show but, yeah, no one is buying.

Perhaps when she goes to jail she can turn that into a show? Tori and Dean In The Big House While Their Children Live With Nana?

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Mel B’s huge bust-up with ex-husband Stephen Belafonte was ALLEGEDLY sparked by his accusation that she had slept with ... get ready to huuuuurl ...Simon Cowell.

And that’s what started the fight that ended their marriage because, after Belafonte made those allegations, as Mel prepared for the talent show’s final in December 2014, she ended up missing the first night of the two-parter due to an ALLEGED drug overdose. But she was back the next night—with bruises on her face and arms—and hiding the fact that she had been accused of having an affair with Cowell.

But it wasn’t just Cowell, Belafonte was jealous of, it was also fellow judge Cheryl Cole; Belafonte ALLEGEDLY lost his temper backstage after Mel playfully grabbed Cheryl’s rear-end and walked into her dressing room wearing next to nothing. Mel subsequently filed for divorce from Belafonte and won a restraining order against him.

I’ve a feeling it’s only going to get uglier, but can it get uglier than someone thinking you’re cheating with Simon Man-Boobs Cowell?

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Poor Tommy Mottola; he was married for a short time to  über diva Mariah Carey, and he probably thought that was insane. But his current wife, Mexican superstar Thalia, is ALLEGEDLY giving Carey a run for the title.

Thalia is being sued over a 20-year deal with EDF Brands to license products in her native country after the company accused her of skipping promotional duties and charged them $120,000 for travel, which is way beyond the bounds of their contract.

For a two-day trip for a product launch, Thalia ALLEGEDLY demanded a private plane from New York to Mexico City for $65,000, hotel rooms for $15,000, security for $25,000, hair and makeup for $6,000 and a stylist for $10,000.

However, unlike Carey, she didn’t ask for money to have someone carry her through the hotel lobby like a giant stripper rag-doll, so, yeah, there’s that.

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On Tuesday we learned that basketball player, and, well, player, Carmelo and La La Anthony’s marriage of seven years is over because, ALLEGEDLY, Carmelo got a stripper pregnant and, funny thing, a lot of wives don’t like that.

And so, even though the couple signed a prenup, get ready for Cash Battles when the pair files for divorce. He has a $124 million contract with the Knicks and has earned more than $200 million during his career; he also has contracts with Nike Jordan and Foot Locker.

Now, that’s some bank, right there and even though the couple has a prenup, rumor has it that, like most premarital contracts, there’s a cheating clause and so this pregnant stripper business could mean a big pay out for La La if she decides to challenge the prenup.

I see a lot of extra zeros on the check Carmelo will be writing to La La.

Just sayin’.

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Recently, at the premiere of Clive Davis’ documentary, “The Soundtrack of Our Lives,” legends like Aretha Franklin, Dionne Warwick and Barry Manilow took the stage to perform, but it was Carly Simon who was the standout ... though not in the way one might think.

It seems Carly performed a cringe-worthy  rendition of “Coming Around Again,” in a mash-up with ... wait for it ... it’s crazy ... “Itsy Bitsy Spider,” while flanked by a group of small children doing the nursery rhyme hand gestures.

One attendee wailed:

“Why is this happening?”

Someone else cried:

“This sounded a lot better when we were high in the ’70s.”

But apparently Simon has performed the song mash-up for years and no one has told her to stop ... so I will: Stop.

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You know, when you’re Lea Michele and you were once the It Girl on a hit show like Glee and then followed it up with the role of Not It girl on not hit show Scream Queens, you need to get some attention. And what better way to do that than to announce to the world which famous women you’d hook-up with:

“I was just talking to Brad Goreski, who I love the most, and I was like, ‘Brad, if you were gonna be with a girl, who would you be with?’ He said Scarlett Johansson, and I stopped for a minute and was like, ‘Oh my God, I think me too. Also, Penélope Cruz, but I’ve been told that she kind of looks like me, so I don’t know what that says about me — that I’m narcissistic?!”

Yes, that’s exactly what it says; it also says you have a giant ego is you think you look anything like Penélope Cruz. But then she goes further and compares herself to ... I can hardly say it ... my head is pounding ... Cher:

 “It’s just gonna be me in bed with gay people and I’m gonna be alone forever like Cher, and that’s totally fine by me. That’s just the story of my f—kin’ life, all right.”

Stop, Lea, sit down. You are not Cher; on your best day you are not Cher on her worst day.

Stop; then go away.

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