The Funny Papers

Marc Murphy, Aislin, Clay Bennett, Bill Bramhall, Nick Anderson, Walterink, Gary Huck, Michael de Adder, Lalo Alcaraz, Jack Ohman, JD Crowe,

Why Is It ...

… that no one realizes that if you mess with me, I will lock you in the trunk of my car, and then help people look for you.

… that I can tell if someone is judgemental just by looking at them.

… that I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning and realized that my charisma will be doing most of the heavy lifting today.

… that my patience is like a  gift card; I’m not sure how much is left but give it a try.

… that I have officially reached the age where I don’t know if I injured myself or of that’s just how I am from now on.

… that every time I try to make a protein shake it turns into a margarita?

… that if I ever forget my safe word, I just call out someone else’s name? Because it works every time.

… that I cringe at so many things I say out loud and yet I will not stop talking.

I Didn't Say It ... Thanks Joe!

Hillary Clinton, writing in the New York Times about Biden leaving the race:

“History has its eye on us. President Biden’s decision to end his campaign was as pure an act of patriotism as I have seen in my lifetime. It should also be a call to action to the rest of us to continue his fight for the soul of our nation. The next 15 weeks will be like nothing this country has ever experienced politically but have no doubt: this is a race Democrats can and must win. Elections are about the future. That’s why I am excited about Vice President Kamala Harris. She represents a fresh start for American politics. She can offer a hopeful, unifying vision. She is talented, experienced and ready to be president. And I know she can defeat Donald Trump. As we saw in the 2022 midterms, abortion bans and attacks on democracy are galvanizing women voters like never before. With Ms. Harris at the top of the ticket leading the way, this movement may become an unstoppable wave.”

I’m with Her … and Kamala Harris; it’s time to let women take control.

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Barack Obama, on Joe Biden’s decision:

“Joe Biden has been one of America’s most consequential presidents, as well as a dear friend and partner to me. Today, we’ve also been reminded—again—that he’s a patriot of the highest order. Sixteen years ago, when I began my search for a vice president, I knew about Joe’s remarkable career in public service. But what I came to admire even more was his character—his deep empathy and hard-earned resilience; his fundamental decency and belief that everyone counts. Since taking office, President Biden has displayed that character again and again. He helped end the pandemic, created millions of jobs, lowered the cost of prescription drugs, passed the first major piece of gun safety legislation in 30 years, made the biggest investment to address climate change in history, and fought to ensure the rights of working people to organize for fair wages and benefits. Internationally, he restored America’s standing in the world, revitalized NATO, and mobilized the world to stand up against Russian aggression in Ukraine. More than that, President Biden pointed us away from the four years of chaos, falsehood, and division that had characterized [The Felon]’s administration. Through his policies and his example, Joe has reminded us of who we are at our best—a country committed to old-fashioned values like trust and honesty, kindness and hard work; a country that believes in democracy, rule of law, and accountability; a country that insists that everyone, no matter who they are, has a voice and deserves a chance at a better life. This outstanding track record gave President Biden every right to run for re-election and finish the job he started. Joe understands better than anyone the stakes in this election—how everything he has fought for throughout his life, and everything that the Democratic Party stands for, will be at risk if we allow [The Felon] back in the White House and give Republicans control of Congress. I also know Joe has never backed down from a fight. For him to look at the political landscape and decide that he should pass the torch to a new nominee is surely one of the toughest in his life. But I know he wouldn’t make this decision unless he believed it was right for America. It’s a testament to Joe Biden’s love of country—and a historic example of a genuine public servant once again putting the interests of the American people ahead of his own that future generations of leaders will do well to follow. We will be navigating uncharted waters in the days ahead. But I have extraordinary confidence that the leaders of our party will be able to create a process from which an outstanding nominee emerges. I believe that Joe Biden’s vision of a generous, prosperous, and united America that provides opportunity for everyone will be on full display at the Democratic Convention in August. And I expect that every single one of us are prepared to carry that message of hope and progress forward into November and beyond. For now, Michelle and I just want to express our love and gratitude to Joe and Jill for leading us so ably and courageously during these perilous times—and for their commitment to the ideals of freedom and equality that this country was founded on.”

And no matter how much The Felon whines and complains about unfair all this is to him, the fact is Joe Biden is simply putting America first … something The Felon has never done.

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Liz Cheney, former GOP Representative from Wyoming, and rare Country over Party Republican, on Biden stepping down:

“The framers of our Constitution knew that our Republic would endure only if presidents have the character and honor to put duty ahead of self-interest. President Biden deserves our gratitude for his decades of service to our nation and for his courageous decision today.”

Y’all know that Liz is no fan of Joe, but she understands what true patriotism is: doing the right thing and not doing the thing that a narcissistic sore loser begs you to do.

I like Liz for her stance on this country and duty.

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Rachel Maddow, on Biden’s decision to leave the race:

“What a man! What a patriot! What an act of selfless devotion to your country! Him making this decision today is to give the country a chance. A reasonable chance at not putting [The Felon] back in the White House. Not putting a president back in the White House who refused to leave the last time and summoned an angry mob to try to overthrow the government rather than go. This is Joe Biden saying, ‘apparently it’s not me, the one that gives us the best chance to do that. It’s got to be somebody else. And so I will step aside.'”

I have a political cartoon coming up for Sunday that perfectly explains Joe and his decision, and how right it was to do what he did. Patriotism is just part of it …

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Kamala Harris, on her predecessor:

“On behalf of the American people, I thank Joe Biden for his extraordinary leadership as President of the United States and for his decades of service to our country. His remarkable legacy of accomplishment is unmatched in modern American history, surpassing the legacy of many Presidents who have served two terms in office. It is a profound honor to serve as his Vice President, and I am deeply grateful to the President, Dr. Biden, and the entire Biden family. I first came to know President Biden through his son Beau. We were friends from our days working together as Attorneys General of our home states. As we worked together, Beau would tell me stories about his Dad. The kind of father—and the kind of man—he was. And the qualities Beau revered in his father are the same qualities, the same values, I have seen every single day in Joe’s leadership as President: His honesty and integrity. His big heart and commitment to his faith and his family. And his love of our country and the American people. With this selfless and patriotic act, President Biden is doing what he has done throughout his life of service: putting the American people and our country above everything else. I am honored to have the President’s endorsement and my intention is to earn and win this nomination. Over the past year, I have traveled across the country, talking with Americans about the clear choice in this momentous election. And that is what I will continue to do in the days and weeks ahead. I will do everything in my power to unite the Democratic Party—and unite our nation—to defeat Donald Trump and his extreme Project 2025 agenda. We have 107 days until Election Day. Together, we will fight. And together, we will win.”

And she will continue Joe’s work, and expand on Joe’s work, and they will both be remembered as having stepped up to save this country from a wannabe dick-tator.

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Hunter Biden, on his father and his president:

“For my entire life, I’ve looked at my dad in awe. How could he suffer so much heartache and yet give so much of whatever remained of his heart to others? Not only in the policies he passed, but in the individual lives he’s touched. Over a lifetime I have witnessed him absorb the pain of countless everyday Americans who he’s given his personal phone number to, because he wanted them to call him when they were hurting. When their last hopes were slipping through their hands. That unconditional love has been his North Star as a President, and as a parent. He is unique in public life today, in that there is no distance between Joe Biden the man and Joe Biden the public servant of the last 54 years. I’m so lucky every night I get to tell him I love him, and to thank him. I ask all Americans to join me tonight in doing the same. Thank you, Mr. President. I love you, Dad.”

That’s it right there; that’s Joe.

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Bobservations

Not a Carlos story, but a true story about my mouth. The other morning as I was getting ready for work my phone rang:

“May I speak to Robert Slatten?”

“This is he.”

“How are you today, Mr. Slatten?”

“What can I do for you?”

“I’m Christine ______ from _____ Life and I see by our records you have a birthday coming up soon.”

“No. I don’t.”

“Oh, our records show your date of birth as August 2nd.”

“That’s not my birthday, that’s my father’s birthday. His name is Robert Slatten Jr.”

“Oh. I see the mix up—”

And then she says it:

“Do you think your father would be interested in life insurance?”

“I’m not sure, but considering he’s been dead since February, it looks like a hard pass.”

And then she makes it worse:

“I’m so sorry, please accept our condolences.”

“Thank you.”

“Any chance you’re interested in life insurance?”

“Seriously? You tried to sell life insurance to my dead father and now you want to sell it to me?”

“Well, I—”

:::click:::

This is another in a long list of reasons why I don’t like people.

This Tuxedo Memory is from August 2018 …

We had a bit of a scare last Friday involving the Greatest Cat in the World, Tuxedo.

See, our cats do not go outside, at least unattended. Tuxedo is allowed to walk along the railing with me by his side, or sit in my lap and take a siesta, but because of the rural nature of Casa Bob y Carlos, and the wild-ish animals who roam nearby, it’s not a good thing to let cats wander.

That said, over the course of time we’ve lived here Tuxedo has escaped a handful of times and has always been lured back inside by the promise of treats.

Last Friday, Carlos got up, let the dog out, fed the cats and made the coffee; we had breakfast and chatted and then I got up from the table …

“Where’s Tuxedo?”

“I don’t know, He was here for breakfast.”

"Did he get out when you let the dog in?”

“I don’t know.”

We began the search; through the house, in all the bedrooms, the office, the laundry room, the sunroom; under couches or on tables; in closets where perhaps a door was closed on him; in the bathroom.

No Tuxedo. I head out back, treats in hand, shaking the bag…

“TUXEDO! TUXEDO! TUXEDO!”

No Tuxedo. I go into the front yard …

“TUXEDO! TUXEDO! TUXEDO!”

No Tuxedo. Now I am scared and getting annoyed because I think Carlos missed him when he ran outside and so all kinds of thoughts—of what happened to the cat and what I will do to Carlos—are racing through my head.

“TUXEDO! TUXEDO! TUXEDO!”

Back inside; no cat. I then check every single cupboard in the kitchen, the laundry room and all the bathrooms, shaking that damned bag of treats as I go …

“TUXEDO! TUXEDO! TUXEDO!”

In the master bathroom, I look into a cupboard; no cat. I turn … and there he is, sitting in the bathtub.

See, the night before we’d given all the cats a hit of Advantage because they were scratching a lot. You give Advantage at the base of their neck, so they can’t lick it off.

Tuxedo, because he is so smart, thought he’d wait until Mean Daddy—his name for Carlos—got out of the shower and then he would roll around on the bottom of the tub so see if he could rub the Advantage off.

He got yelled at for disappearing and big smooch from Nice Daddy—that’s what he calls me—for being safe.

In the car, later, driving Carlos to work, I said:

“Sorry for all those hateful things I said about you when we couldn’t find Tuxedo.”

“You didn’t say anything mean to me.”

“In my head, sweetheart in my head.”

“Oh, I expect it was especially vicious then.”

“Yes.”

And luckily, just in my head.

Premise: You have 5 minutes before you die. What are you going to do? Well, I am going to text to a friend saying if they don't send that text to 10 other people immediately, I'll die in 5 minutes.

I’m going out with a laugh!

In the two days since President Biden dropped out of the race for reelection, Vote.org saw more than 38,500 people register to vote, a nearly 700% spike.

Vote.org  hopes to register 8 million voters before November’s election and says that 500,000 have already registered so far, including a record number of 18-year-old new voters.

Onward into the Blue.

More good news … Michigan has become the 20th state to ban the Gay Panic Defense thanks to Democrat Governor Gretchen Whitmer. The “gay panic” or “trans panic” legal defense allows defendants to argue that discovering a victim’s sexual orientation or gender identity justifies assault and even murder.

No, it doesn’t. Thanks Governor Whitmer.

Y’all heard that The Felon wants to eliminate taxes for tipped workers, right? Well, here’s the deal … 33% of tipped employees are too low wage to pay any income taxes so they would never see any tax cut. But since there is no cap on what counts as a ‘tip’ this plan creates a loophole for hedge fund managers, lawyers and other high-income professionals to take a huge tax cut by dubbing their massive bonuses as ‘tips.’

The rich get richer under The Felon while low-income workers suffer.

VOTE BLUE!!

And more good news ... Jim Kohlberg, chairman and co-founder of the private equity firm Kohlberg & Co., has pledged $30 million to launch a center to push for overhauling the corrupt SCOTUS. Maybe find a way to rid the court from the grifters and liars and cheats.

Let’s do this!

Anilton Cabral is a male model who lives on Praia, Cape Verde, a tiny island off the West coast of Africa, but that’s not what this is about: Would You Hit It?

Architecture Wednesday: Bell Canyon Cottage

Located in the San Fernando Valley, this enchanting custom-built home, set behind gates and up a private brick driveway, draws heavy inspiration from French Normandy style while still feeling ethereal and timeless. Custom woodwork and high-pitched cathedral ceilings bring vintage charm and warmth, and the flexible layout offers endless creative opportunities.

Inside, off the generous foyer, the formal living room showcases exposed beams, a bright bay window, and an oversized stone mantel with custom built-ins. The kitchen has been completely reimagined with soft, contemporary neutrals, views of the pool and a double-sided white brick fireplace that separates it from the den and adjacent office space; French doors out to the pool encourage frequent swim breaks while you work. A formal dining sits just beyond the kitchen.

One bedroom, with en suite bath is down one level, while upstairs there are two bedrooms sharing a Jack-and-Jill bath, and the Primary suite with tree top views, a huge walk-in closet, and a luxurious spa bath.

Outside, lush landscaping surrounds the hillside setting, and an equestrian barn atop the hill looks down over the gleaming pebble pool and spa. An attached three-car garage is an added bonus for car lovers and collectors.

Perfect for horses and cars and people!

As always, click to emBIGGERate ...

Dwell