I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Last year, Lindsay Lohan was hyping the opening of her Lohan Beach Club in Mykonos with an MTV reality show of the same name.

The show premiered to mediocre ratings and terrible reviews … followed soon by her beach club opening to mediocre ratings and terrible reviews, and now both have been canceled after about a year.

Gird your loins, people, Lohan is out of work and on the loose …again!

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Remember last year when Cardi B ALLEGEDLY ordered a beat down on two strip club bartenders because one of them maybe had sex with Cardi’s man, Offset? Okay, I don’t really either, but the two bartenders, Jade and Baddie G claim they were injured by Cardi’s goons, and then Cardi turned herself in and was charged with two misdemeanors.

Until a Grand Jury heard the case and now Cardi B has been indicted with fourteen charges against her, including two counts of felony attempted assault with intent to cause serious physical injury, misdemeanor reckless endangerment, assault, criminal solicitation, conspiracy and harassment.

I wonder what they’ll charge her with for throwing that shoe at Nicki Minaj?

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I love history, and I love that Jennifer Lopez has been able to rewrite hers. Oh, not about her being an amazing musical talent, or an awesome actress, or the best dancer ever, cuz no one, save JLo and A-Rod, would believe that shiz.

No, JLo, on the verg of marrying ALLEGED serial philandered A-Rod in her fourth trip down the aisle, is saying it’s really only her second time as a bride because her first two marriages don’t count because, and this is full-on narcissistic, egotistical, batshit crazy JLo shiz, they didn’t happen in a church, neither one lasted more than a year, and she didn’t do it for the right reasons.

She’s practically a virgin, except for those two kids she had in her third first real marriage to Marc Anthony.

Still, it sounds like she’s sure this marriage will take, until it doesn’t and she says it’s because she’s a serial marrying dolt.

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And, taking a page from the Jennifer Lopez History Is Flexible Playbook is NBC and the Today show.

Today is celebrating its 25th anniversary of the move to their current studio—seriously, this warrants a party—and they have included every single playing on the Today show team … except for pervy Matt Lauer.

Well, it’s not like he was part of the show for 20 of the 25 years they’re celebrating … except it is.

Sheesh, I’m’a rewrite my own history … like I how I used to be JLo and was a host of the Today show with a trained chimp named Matty until I married Marc Anthony and gave birth to A-Rod.

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It seemed like only a moment ago, we talked for a brief second about that Cardi B-Nicki Minaj feud and what Nicki would do if Cardi went to jail. Well, as Nicki is apt to do, she’d start a new feud with someone, anyone, else. Like, say, oh I dunno, freakin’ Miley Cyrus?

In a song on her new EP She Is Coming (aka I’m Way Into Sex And Drugs, Y’All!), Miley, um, raps [?] about how she likes Nicki Minaj but listens to Cardi B instead. And Nicki, known for her outlandish clothes and thin skin took to  her radio show Queen Radio to call Miley out:

“You sucked all that d*ck, only to come out looking like a perdue f*cking chicken on stage, and then got mad and went back to country music. Sit yo’ stupid ass down.”

Miley has yet to comment on being called a chicken with no gag reflex, but Cardi B may have lost her shiz when she was getting her mugshot retouched.

Just sayin’.

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You hear stories about celebrities having things stolen … their jewels, their cars, their careers, their houses. Wait. What. Yup, back in March someone tried to steal Halle Berry’s house.

Apparently one Ronald Eugene Griffin showed up at Halle’s house last January and tried to mess with one of the door  locks until being chased off by a gardener. Then in March, Griffin returned with a locksmith and claimed to have the deed to the home, and while workers—does it seem like there are more workers and gardeners in Halle’s house than Halle—called the police, Griffin managed to get the locksmith to change one of the locks and then called the police to accuse the workers of trespassing on his property.

Oy, the cojones. Luckily the LAPD spoke to Halle who had no clue about her, um, ‘houseguest.’ And Griffin was kicked to the curb, er, arrested and charged with “a felony count of procuring and offering a false warranty deed and an additional count of petty theft.”

Must not be the nicest house if the charge was petty theft? Just sayin’. I’m also just sayin’, if Halle can’t even keep a house how can she ever hope to keep a man.

Ouch.

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