Oscarvations

So, here we are at the No Host Oscars, which is making me think it’ll be as fun as a No Host Bar. Amirite?

But, we’ll see, after they start off with Queen featuring Adam Lambert. That was actually a rollicking good start, though watching it back, I was saddened to see Glenn Close rocking out since she :::::SPOILER ALERT::::: had no idea what was coming for her.

And while the opening rocked and rolled, the obligatory film montage, as though we have no idea what the Oscars are about, annoyed me; get on with it!

Maya Rudolph, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are out to present the first award, though they pause to give us a host monologue, even though they aren’t the hosts so, yeah, no host> Not so much. At any rate, Fey and Poehler are high-larious, and Maya Rudolph got off some good jokes, the first one being her dress.

Welcome to the One millionth Academy Awards!

There is no host. There is no Popular Movie category. And Mexico will not pay for the Wall.

And while there was a thought to present some awards during commercials, tonight we’ll be doing commercials during the awards. So, if every winner could, instead of thanking anyone, just say, “Hellman’s Mayonnaise. We’re on the side of food!”’

Hey Chadwick Boseman? Wakonda plans you have for tonight?

These spanx are so tight, they’ve entered my spiderverse.

Roma’s on Netflix? What’s next? My microwave makes a movie?

And this ends the No Host jokes portion of the evening, and it’s on to OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE… Regina King, If Beale Street Could Talk. My take? Regina King should win every award, and then be given an award for acceptance speeches. She keeps them short and passionate and powerful, and she’s brilliant. Hat tip to HOT MAN ALERT Chris Evans for helping her to the stage. Not only is he a gentleman he has a hot gay brother. Scott, so, you know, my mind goes there.

Jason Momoa and the Fabulous Helen Mirren are out to present OUTSTANDING DOCUMENTARY FEATURE … Free Solo to Elizabeth Chai Vasarhelyi, Jimmy Chin, a little cutie, Shannon Dill, and Evan Hays. Chin gets bleep for ‘Sh*t.” I mean, for saying the word. Elizabeth rambles, I fast forward.

Rage Against the Machine’s Tom Morello, whom I’ve never seen before, but he’s hot and he’s bald—too of my favorite thing—presents Vice, the film about Satan Cheney. Then Elsie Fisher and HOT MAN ALERT Stephan James are up to give out ... 

OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN MAKEUP AND HAIR to Vice. Perfect, because if they can make Christian Bale look like Darth Cheney, that deserves an Oscar for Greg Cannom, Kate Biscoe and Patricia DeHaney.

Finally, some jokes, when Melissa McCarthy and Brian Tyree Henry  appear in full-on, wack-a-doodle costuming, including Melissa’s little bunny friend, to present OUTSTANDING COSTUME DESIGN to Ruth Carter for Black Panther.

Chris Evans is back with JLo … ugh … to hand out the award for OUTSTANDING PRODUCTION DESIGN to Hannah Beachler and Jay Hart for Black Panther. Hannah is one of those annoying winners who reads a speech, from her phone, and drags on so long that he co-winner doesn’t get to say a word. Plus, her dress was hideous, so I’m not  a fan.

Speaking of ‘ughs’, after JLo, we get Tyler Perry, Male Oprah, or Moprah, to present OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAPHY to Alfonso Cuarón for Roma. You know how much I like the Latin men and Alfonso is silver fox dreamy Latino. Just sayin’.

JHud

OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND EDITING by alternately yelling and shrieking and whispering the effects. The award goes to Bohemian Rhapsody’s John Warhurst and Nina Hartstone. They follow up with OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND MIXING which goes to Paul Massey, Tim Cavagin and John Casali, also for Bohemian Rhapsody.

Then Queen Latifah appears to present Best Picture nominee, The Favourite, a story about a queen. Ohm that’s why she was there? Why not have Elton do it then, if you wanted a queen, I mean?

Steaming Hot Presenters Angela Basset and Javier Bardem—he speaks Spanish … ‘No border or wall can … restrain talent’—and give out the award for OUTSTANDING FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM to Roma; Alfonso is back onstage and I’m not at all mad about that. 

We have another HOT MAN ALERT when Keegan Michael Key Poppins down from the ceiling via umbrella to present Best Song nominee ‘The Place Where Lost Things Go’ from Mary Poppins Returns. Bette Midler sings it, but it’s really not a terribly good song; it doesn’t stick with you at all. Luckily, Trevor Noah appears to present Best Picture nominee Black Panther; he is  cute and hot and funny, with an accent.

Michael Keaton trots out to present OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING to Bohemian Rhapsody’s John Ottman, who makes a quick speech and a quicker getaway. I like him for that.

Two studs are up next, HOT MAN ALERT Daniel Craig and Charlize Theron, to present OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING role to the serene Mahershala Ali for Green Book. He is such a calm, grateful presence. I want Ali and Regina King to just stand and talk to one another and I’ll buy a ticket.

Michelle Yeoh and Pharrell, in his Garanimals, present OUTSTANDING ANIMATED FEATURE FILM to Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse and Bob Perischetti, Peter Ramsey, Rodney Rothman, Phil Lord and Christopher Miller. Five men win the Oscar and there are like twelve people onstage. They really need some kind of border protection between the audience and the podium to keep the riff raff from coming over.

Kacey Musgraves introduces Best Song nominee ‘Where a Cowboy Trades His Spurs for Wings’ from the Ballad of Buster Scruggs sung by Gillian Welch and David Rawlings. Yeah …no. And then, and I kinda saw this coming though I’d hoped the Oscars wouldn’t stoop this low, Mike Myers and Dana Carvey come out as their characters Wayne and Garth, to present Best Picture nominee Bohemian Rhapsody. Look, I get it, Wayne’s World and all that, but these two men are in their early nineties and this was cringeworthy.

Luckily, next up we had Awkwafina and John Mullaney who only played at being uncomfortable, and were actually quite funny, when they presented OUTSTANDING ANIMATED SHORT FILM  to Bao and Domee Shi and Becky Neiman-Cobb. Next was OUTSTANDING DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT, and it went to Period. End of Sentence, literally a film about menstruation. The winners Rayka Zehtabchi and Melissa Berton were joined by a few other woman and a couple of very uncomfortable looking men.

Diego Luna and Chef José Andrés presented Best Picture nominee Roma, before the Fabulous Sarah ‘Visual effects makes it look like I actually run over by a truck in Birdbox’ Paulson and Paul ‘Visual effects make me look like an actor’ Rudd gave out the award for OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS to First Man’s Paul Lambert, Ian Hunter, Tristan Myles, and JD Schwalm. One of them, I neither know, nor care, pulled out a  card to read from and I almost tipped over the telly.

Luckily, they left, and Lady Gaga and HOT MAN ALERT Bradley Cooper sang ‘Shallow’ from A Star is Born. Cooper seemed really nervous at the outset, but by the end he was into it. And, for me, it was a slam dunk as the Best Song, and performance of the night.

Krysten Ritter and Kiki Layne present OUTSTANDING LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM to HOT MAN ALERT Guy Nattiv and Jaime Ray Newman for Skin. I need him in front of the cameras, Hollywood, okurrrrr?

Brie Larsen and Samuel L. Jackson are up next, to present OUTSTANDING ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY to Green Book’s Nick Vallelonga, Brian Currie, and Peter Farrelly, before they hand out OUTSTANDING ADAPTED SCREENPLAY to Spike Lee, Charlie Wachtel, David Rabinowitz, and Kevin Wilmott for BlacKkKlansman. Spike was overjoyed, but his speech was a hot mess; sadly, he wins for writing and the speech he wrote was a rambling d-i-saster.

Tessa Thompson presents with HOT MAN ALERT Michael B. Jordan …lucky bitch …and when he looks at her and smile, I melt. They give out the award for OUTSTANDING ORIGINAL SCORE to Ludwig Göransson for Black Panther. 

Next up are Jordan’s Black Panther costar HOT MAN ALERT Chadwick Boseman and Constance give OUTSTANDING ORIGINAL SONG to ‘Shallow’ from A Star is Born, and Lady Gaga, Mark Ronson, Anthony Rossomando and Andrew Wyatt.

After the In Memoriam, where I think they forgot brilliant director Stanley Donen who died just a couple of says ago, Barbra Streisand comes out to present the Best Picture nominee, BlacKkKlansman. 

That’s followed by Gary Oldman and Allison Janney who present OUTSTANDING ACTOR to Rami Malek for Bohemian Rhapsody. That was a small surprise because I’d thought Christian Bale would win, but Rami snuck right in there and won Oscar on his first try. Good for him.

Amandla Stenberg and Congressman John Lewis, who rightfully received a standing ovation. Presented the last Best Picture nominee, Green Book, before Frances McDormand and Sam Rockwell, two winners from last year, presented the OUTSTANDING ACTRESS Oscar to  to Glenn …. Nope, Olivia Colman for The Favourite. I had a serious OMFG god moment, not because I wanted Close to win, but because I thought she would, and because I couldn’t help but think back to the red carpet when she said that hideous dress she wore had over 4 million beads and weighted forty-two pounds. She sat there, front row, in a dress that weighed forty-two pounds for three hours and got bupkis. Well, at any rate, Colman won, and I loved her in The Favourite, and she gave a delightful speech, so I was happy.

Glenn was not. Guillermo del Toro, also a winner last year, presents OUTSTANDING DIRECTOR to Alfonso Cuarón for Roma; he had a big night, winning three of his four shots.

And finally, three hours and fifteen minutes in, Julia Roberts appears to give the BEST PICTURE Oscar to Green Book. That was also a surprise. I was thinking almost any other film, well, not A Star is Born, would win.

But there you have it, the No Host Oscars. Luckily, we have a Host Bar at Casa Bob y Carlos or I would have been drunk broke.

Just sayin’.