How To 'Spot The Gay' According to A 1980s CIA Memo

Back in the 1980s, a decade or more after Stonewall it appeared to LGBT activists that progress was finally being made in the push for our civil rights, with the Democratic Party becoming the first major political party to endorse am LGBT-rights platform.

But that same year, the CIA released a three-page memorandum on how to Spot The Gay during police investigations, perhaps for the purposes of blackmail. It’s pretty high-larious, as you might have guessed … so let’s look at some of it:

1. Know that it won’t be easy to Spot The Gay.

“One of the most common mistakes made by the average person is the conviction that he can recognize a homosexual on sight. This is similar to recognizing a communist.”

Clearly, this was in the years before the ‘I’m Not Gay But My Boyfriend Is’ t-shirts.

The memo adds, “Very few employees come to work wearing eye makeup or ‘My Sin.’”

Very few?

2. The Gay is a good worker.

“The homosexual subject is usually regarded as an above-average employee. His work habits are good, he is punctual, responsive to authority, cooperative, friendly, a credit to the organization.”

Uh oh. I’m gay. And, if at your job, some guy wins Employee of the Month more than once, he is probably “a gay.”

3. The Gay has a post office box.

“Our subject leads a Jekyll-Hyde existence, constantly cautious, constantly aware that his ‘Mr. Hyde’ will be exposed. He frequently uses a Post Office Box to receive mail from trusted friends.”

Mail from trusted friends? Howsabout porn and video and magazines and, um, accessories?

Clearly this means if a guy does not have a PO Box, he likes girls?

4. The Gay drives an Audi or a Volkswagen — but not often.

“His car (preferably foreign) is often reserved for weekends, rarely drives to the office.”

How the hell did we get to work? On Rainbow-farting unicorns?

Sidenote: my fist car was a Volkswagen, so maybe there’s something to this? Oh, and I lived close to my job so I often walked …. Oh god, I’m gay!

5. The Gay speaks a foreign gay language.

“He has his own language” which includes “pass words,” or “auditory signals with which to test a chance acquaintance.”

Huh … and what are some of those pass words?

Gay

Straight

Bi

I wonder if the CIA tried to get Alan Turing to crack that cose?

6. The Gay has a roommate.

“It is not uncommon for two homosexuals to live together and not engage in mutual sex activity.”

So, two Gays live together but they aren’t “doing it”? Clearly one of them is not gay then because two gay men will always have sex with one another, anywhere, anytime, ever and always.

Amirite, fellas?

7. The Gay is a great tenant.

“Landlords often encourage rentals to homosexuals since they are neat, generally quiet, interested in keeping their apartments in good condition, and dependable when it comes to finances.”

No wonder I have always gotten my full security deposit back … I’m gay!

8. The Gay is really smart …

“The homosexual is a complex, intelligent, interesting and mixed-up individual.”

Nothing more to add to this one.

9. … but The Gay is also a Hot Mess.

“In checks of credit and police records, particular attention should be given to any arrests for disorderly conduct, disturbing the peace, or similar offenses.”

I’m neat, clean, tidy and respectful, but I don’t pay my bills and I’m prone to causing a scene.

It didn’t take long for the CIA’s antiquated views to get a judicial wake up call. In 1982 the agency fired a, a 9-year veteran employee after he openly admitted to identifying as gay. “John Doe” was represented by the ACLU, and after a 3-year legal battle, a federal judge ruled that the man must be rehired by the agency.

John Doe was able to blend in, had a PO Box, was a hard worker, drove a foreign car, had his own special language, had a roommate, was neat and tidy and polite, but forgot to pay his bills and maybe got a little drunk in public, and was smart enough to work at the CIA without them ever knowing it.

Hornet