It's Snarkurday!

Well, it looks like Kanye West is out of the hospital and, ahem, “under the care of Kim, and his personal physician, Dr. Michael Farzam”—the one who called 911 the day Kanye went a little nuts.

Good news, I guess; I hope he gets the help he needs, though I am reminded of how many people have called him a lunatic since he first arrived on the scene, and then have all overlooked his ridiculous rants and odd behavior as being “just Kanye.”

But this isn’t about that, it’s about a story that appeared—and then just as quickly vanished—right about the time he was handcuffed to that gurney. The story went that Kanye had been deteriorating prior to his hospitalization because Kim had taken the kids and moved back home with That Woman. But as quickly as that story was out, it was gone; only now it’s back ...

The rumor mill is saying that Kim had gone all Ross-n-Rachel on Kanye and asked for a “break” after the Paris robbery because she was upset and traumatized by the event and Kanye wasn’t there for her. A source—and it’s That Woman calling from her crypt—says:

“It’s just been hell for them. The trauma of the incident made her more hesitant to do things. Of course it strained their relationship, because she hadn’t seen him.”

When Kanye was home on breaks in the tour, he spent very little time with his family, preferring instead to work and work and rant, and Kim wasn’t feeling it. When she looked to her husband for support, he was badmouthing Bey and Jay instead.

Cue the road trip home to Mama; oh, and a media event in New York for the Angel Ball—apparently Kimmie wasn’t so distressed she couldn’t fly across the country to wear a too-tight gown—the very night that Kanye suffered his breakdown. Kim had to immediately fly home to be at Kanye’s side—after all there were media cameras around—and That Woman was ALLEGEDLY enraged that Kanye had ruined this for her.

So, is this new show of support going to patch up the holes in their marriage? Or, more likely, will it just be more media fodder and a Very Special Episode of KUWTK? I mean, it does seem that this whole thing will be the start of a media push by the family to explain the end of the marriage.

Lapo Elkann. Who? I know, right! Well, he’s the 39-year-old grandson of the ex-CEO of Fiat and ALLEGEDLY quite a handful.

About eleven years ago, Lapo was found naked and near death after overdosing in the apartment of a transgender hooker in Turin, Italy, and then, just this past weekend he ALLEGEDLY partied with another transgender hooker only maybe with slightly less drugs involved, though more drama.

See, Lapo didn’t have the coins for the hooker so he did what you all would do when you’re trying to bail on a hooker who wants her cash; he called his family and told them that he was kidnapped and his captor was demanding $10,000 in ransom money. 

Ransom. Hooker coins. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

Luckily, his family knows Lap better than anyone else and the family representative didn’t call the bank to wire over the ransom money. They called the cops instead. The hooker was cuffed and charged with grand larceny by extortion, with even Lapo filing a police report on what he’d endured.

But the smell of fish was too much for police who investigated the kidnapping allegations and they found it to be a complete lie. See, Lapo isn’t very bright because he called the family from his cell phone, away from the hookers apartment so how, exactly, the police asked, was he kidnapped?

The charges against the hooker were dropped and Lapo was arrested and charged with falsely reporting an incident.

And so now you know Lapo!

Kathy Griffin has a new book out because she doesn’t have a TV show, or Bravo specials, any more and the only time we see her is when she makes Andy Cooper squirm on New Year ’s Eve.

Her new book, Kathy Griffin’s Celebrity Run-Ins: My A-Z Index, is her stories of the famous, and infamous, folks she’s met and trashed over the years and several stories are popping up that won’t make her any more popular in Hollywood.

Kathy went to a party hosted by Sue Mengers, in which Jon Hamm and Jack Nicholson were in attendance and she was less than impressed by Hamm—perhaps she didn’t see the Hammaconda? Anyway ...

“You’ll never convince me to like Jon Hamm. The vibe I’ve always gotten from him is cold and somewhat disrespectful … toward me. I’m suggesting he’s one of these hot guys who’s mildly funny but actually thinks he’s comedian-level funny. So when Hammy showed up, too, inside I thought, oh great. He even said to me, ‘What are you doing here?’ I said, ‘I earned my seat at the table. What are you doing here?’”

And it went downhill as Hamm began, ALLEGEDLY, drinking more; while Kathy chatted up Jack Nicholson, Hamm stared “boozy yammering” in her ear:

“You know your Emmy isn’t a real Emmy.”

“You’re so o-o-o-old.”

Kathy was furious that Hamm was infringing on her Nicholson time and says:

“Look, I’ve been told I’m old and not funny by a lot of guys—a lot of hot guys, too—but not when I’m in an intimate conversation space with frickin’ Jack Nicholson ... that’s the real reason I can’t stand Hammy. The double whammy of cruel but not playful comments and the horrible timing. Again, he’s not a comedian, folks. Hopefully done with the drink, but probably still Don Draper-y.”

And then there’s Ashton Kutcher; Griffin and Kutcher co-hosted a charity event in 2005 and he refused to speak to her even though they were supposed to interact:

“At least three separate times, we were standing in the wings, waiting to go out and present, and I’d say something like, ‘Hey, what if, when we go out, we do this … ,’ and suggest something, and he’d just ignore me. If he said five words to me the whole day, I’d be surprised. It was bizarre and rude ....”

In 2008, Griffin ran into him at a restaurant when he was with his grandmother, Demi Moore, and when Kathy said ‘Hello,’ he again ignored her ... so she said:

“If you won’t say hi to me in the Mexican takeout joint, you’re a douchebag.”

The last time she was in a room with Kutcher, she was at party chatting up Sean Combs—P Diddy, Puff Daddy, Puffy, someone—and Ashton “stepped directly in front of me and started talking to Diddy as if I wasn’t even there":

"So that’s three incidents. Do I loathe him? No. He’s just someone who’s made it perfectly clear to me that I have absolutely nothing to offer him during his precious time on earth.”

But she has a funny tale about Leonardo DiCaprio story; she met him at an awards show while she was talking with Lily Tomlin—Kathy is an epic name-dropper—and says she “stood up and said:

“‘Don’t be a douchebag, Leo. Get off your f–ing phone and say hi to the great Lily Tomlin!’ He either didn’t hear me or chose to ignore me ... I repeated it until he finally turned his head, pulled his precious phone away, and kindly said hello to Lily. (He’s gorgeous by the way.) I said again, ‘Jesus, Leo, don’t be such a douchebag.’ He walked away and with an adorable smile said, ‘I am a douchebag.’ Touché, Leo.”

I may have to buy this book ... you know how much I love my snark, and, well, I imagine Kathy could use the coins.

So Leah Remini is the enemy of Scientology ever since she went rogue and left the “religion” and wrote a book about them—Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology— and talked about them and is now in an A&E series about them—Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath.

So, while promoting this new show, she talked about her lawyer demanding $1.5 million from Scientology for trying to ruin her reputation; Scientology doesn’t like it when you leave and so they called her both a “has-been actress” and a “delusional diva.” Leah knows she won’t see one coin from the “church” but that it’s not about the money; it’s about the victims of that “faith”:

“Well, I’m not going to get a dime. I mean I’ve given millions to the church and they’ve amassed 3 billion dollars, so I think that speaks for itself. I also think that it says a lot about the organization, how they respond to its critics. It’s not just me, it’s anyone who has spoken out. Everyone is called a liar. Everyone’s called an apostate. Everyone’s called the same thing and I’m in good company. They did it to Anderson Cooper, they did it to Alex Gibney, who’s an award-winning filmmaker, Paul Haggis, Oscar winner. I’m in good company and I think it says a lot more about the organization than it does about me.”

It does; the “church” is about money. I mean, how else do you explain the Average Joe, not the movie star closeted homosexual, or the former actress with the weight issues, but the average person who pays the “church” hundreds of thousands of dollars over their lifetime for books on how to reach the pinnacle, only when you reach the pinnacle you’re told it’s the floor beneath the pinnacle and you need to spend more.

Yeah, that’s a faith; and let’s talk about how the Baptists and the Catholics and the Methodists and the Lutherans and the Jews always belittle and shame those who leave their faith and call them names ... oh, wait, they don’t do that.

It’s the “Church” of Scientology that does that.

In August, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard came to an agreement about their divorce: Depp would pay Heard $7 million and he could keep his homes, his art and she would also sign a non-disclosure agreement [NDA] and stop saying he was a drunken loon ... or something.

As soon as the settlement was drawn up, Amber vowed to give the $7 million to charity, but then Depp one-upped her and said he would donate the $7 million directly to charity, bypassing Amber.

But that didn’t happen ...more than 3 months after Amber got that deal, she hasn’t received one coin. And while Depp said he sent the first installment of the settlement—some $200,000—to Children’s Hospital and the ACLU we know that never happened because ... wait for it ... it’s stupid ... Heard and Depp have still not signed the final settlement documents because he wants to pay the charities and she wants to pay the charities.

Um, does it really matter as long as the groups get the seven million?

And there’s another snag ... Amber did a domestic violence PSA in which she all but said Johnny Depp abused her but under that NDA she’s prohibited from mentioning any abuse allegations. So now Team Depp says she shouldn’t get any of the money. Seriously; these two have been bitching about money and who gets to bask in the glory of donating to charity longer then they were ever married.

Write a check already! Depp has another wackadoo movie to bomb and Amber ... well, she’ll be at Starbucks waiting for her agent to call.

Anthony Michael Hall. There’s a blast from the past so why is he popping up here today? Well, as in with most child stars who don’t fully move on to adult stardom, he’s making news because he’s gotten himself arrested.

A couple months ago Hall used his fists on his neighbor after the neighbor said the most horrific thing you could ever say to an actor:

“You left the gate open.”

Hall didn’t take too kindly to a nobody telling him that the gate was open so he attacked the neighbor and may now get jail time.

Hopefully no one will leave a cell door open.