It's Snarkurday!

During last week’s Lindsay Lohan Check-In we found that the cracktress had indeed arrived in Brooklyn — albeit two hours late — to begin her long overdue community service at the Brooklyn Duffield Community Center, and if she can just keep it together for two weeks, she’ll be all caught — 

Oh hell, who am I kidding? This is Lohan. She won’t get it done because she’ll get sick, or someone will take her picture, or her Mom will get drunk or Dad will get arrested and she won’t go back to the children and the DA of Los Angeles County might actually throw her skank-ass into jail, except … Lohan don’t do jail, and so she just might runway to Monaco.

She says a very rich “friend” — a john — who owns a hotel in Monaco, who will let her stay for free—in exchange for, perhaps, a cut of her coins from hotel guests who like a little Lindsay in their rooms—and she’ll take him up on it. And since the US cannot be bothered to extradite cracktresses for reckless driving misdemeanors, the authorities cannot touch her.

All I gotta say is: watch your backs, people of Monaco!

Short bite …

The promoters of the Cannes Film Festival have instituted a new rule this year: high heels must be worn on the red carpet.

It’s known in Cannes as The Tom Cruise Rule.

This one just gives me The Itches ….

Alan Thicke and his wife Tanya Callau announced that when they want to get their groove on in the boudoir, they slip a little Robin Thicke into the eight-track player and bang the night away.

Yup, Alan Thicke and the missus do the nasty while listening to Alan’s son sing.

Did you throw up a little in your mouth … too?

Short Bite …

Jessica Alba may quit acting:

“It’s tempting to leave acting completely and focus on my company. It’s definitely more fulfilling. And when I put my time into it, I feel like I’m doing something that’s productive and there’s a real outcome. With entertainment, I feel like you’re just throwing stuff against the wall and you don’t know if anyone’s going to see it.”

I guess she didn’t get the email from Acting that it had quit her a couple of years ago?

Look, I’ll just come out and say it: I feel Blister Palin’s pain. Getting married is hard; there are lots of questions to ask your fiancé, and lots of things to get figured out before you say ‘I do.’ I mean, look at Carlos and me; we waited fourteen years to get married because … well, okay, it was illegal most of the time so, yeah, I guess I’m not feeling Blister’s pain after all.

See, in March, Blister announced her engagement to one Dakota Meyer, a US Marine and recipient of the Medal of Honor, and that whole Palin clan took to social media to talk about the hero marrying their little unwed mother.

It was beautiful … except … it looks like Dakota forgot to mention he’d already taken a wife. Yup; apparently, he married a young woman in 2008, but the marriage fell apart quickly and they were divorced after a few years but it seems he never told Blister.

And then, one of his ex-wife’s friends called Dakota out on social media and now Blister’s marriage is off, though they still plan on having a party because, well, there’s booze and soldiers and that’s how the Palin’s roll, at least according to Mama Grizzly Bore™ who took to social media to break the news:

“Bristol and Dakota couldn’t be more thankful for the love and support of family and friends over the past months while preparing for their wedding. They have informed loved ones that unfortunately the announced celebration planned for May 23 will not be held.”

Of course, not to be outdone by Mama, Blister released her won statement:

“Regarding salacious headlines in recent days about ‘secret wives,’ Dakota and I discussed our past relationships prior to our engagement. Dakota was legally divorced years ago, as any good reporter could and should have disclosed to readers. As usual, false stories and dramatically written headlines begging controversy should be disregarded, and we have faith that our privacy will be respected at this time by those with decency.”

Nice try, Blister, because it was just as the story broke that you called off your little wedding, so how “in the know” were you?

Uh huh.

Short bites …

Maggie Gyllenhaal is saying that she wasn’t hired for the part of the love interest for a fifty-five year old actor because, at age 37, she was deemed “too old.”

That sounds about right, because, at 37, she should be playing the mother of the love interest of a fifty-five year old man.

Oh Hollywood, you ageist, misogynistic bitch.

Gosh I love Helen Mirren, and even more so now because she has a fabulous sense of humor.

Mirren is appearing on Broadway on ‘The Audience,’ where she is once again playing Queen Elizabeth of England, and last week during a scene where she’s speaking to one of her prime ministers, she says, “Well, you are better off with me than with what they have over there.”

Then she zeroes in on a pair of audience members: Bill and Hillary Clinton.

And the entire audience roared.

The Clinton’s visited Mirren backstage, and probably told her they enjoyed the joke.