I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

Original Recipe Lohan news:

It seems like the cracktress is really making a comeback. No, silly, not in prison, but in the movies and TV. First, there was a wobbly stint on Glee—albeit for about ten seconds—and then she was cast in the sure-to-be craptastic Lifetime movie, Liz & Dick, followed by a role in the soft-core porn film, The Canyon, and now she is set to appear in Scary Movie 5.

But, from what I hear is that it’s a cameo, which, you know, really means she’ll be playing someone who gets murdered during the opening credits. But, sources—Hey Dina!—say that, joining Lohan in SM5 will be none other than her male counterpart in the Crack Sweepstakes, Charlie Sheen—even though he was killed off in SM4.

The sequel opens right after Christmas next year. Too late for Oscar contention, but early enough for the Razzie Awards.

So, will Charlie kill Lohan, or will Lohan kill Charlie, or will the audience sufficiently kill both their careers?

Now on to some new Lohan2.0, aka Amanda Bynes.

To recap: She was arrested for DUI back in April when she hit a police car, and the following week she was driving while texting and drove over a curb. In May, she hit a car while trying to pass on the right and then acted like she had no idea what happened when the police stopped her--she was not charged for that incident. Then came the news that was missed when we learned that, also in April, Lohan2.0 had yet another hit-and-run and she wasn’t charged for that one because there were no witnesses to her drunk driving or text driving or just plain bad driving.

Now comes word that Bynes ALLEGEDLY rear-ended another car a week ago and, as is her habit, fled the scene. The woman she, ahem, ALLEGEDLY hit described her as a “hot mess” and said Bynes tried to downplay the damage and used her superhuman drunken powers to push her bumper back in place.

Word to the wise in LA: Bynes has a car, likes to party, loves to text; she is armed with a BMW and considered dangerous.

And stupid.

Oh Blister.

I thought she’d vanish once her horrendous “reality” show was moved from its peak place on Lifetime’s nightly schedule and sent to the after midnight slot, surrounded by Dance Mom reruns, but Blister, with no discernible skills—I think she gets that from her Mama Grizzly Bore—is set to be on “Dancing With The Stars: All Stars.”

First though, she may appear in court, because her Baby Daddy, the oh-so-intellectual-that-he-and-Blister-are-perfect-together, Levi Johnston, filed all the necessary paperwork for full custody of their son Tripp.

See, Levi is less than thrilled that wonderful mother, Blister, sorted and giggled on her TV show when four-year-old Tripp either called his homophobic Aunt Willow a faggot or a fucker. Levi thinks Blister is a terrible parent—Duh—so he wants the court to remove Tripp from her home.

A good move by the court would be to remove Blister and Levi from ever reproducing again.

What’s the deal with Travolta? I mean, that bad toupee is one thing, but the plastic surgery eyes and the, well, plastic looking face, are just hideous. Why doesn’t he take some time to stop looking like a Madame Tussauds wax figure and get his life together?

Oh, yeah, that pesky bag of lawsuits he’s facing for showing his, ahem, “bathing suit area” to a bunch of male masseurs and asking them to run their hands up his flagpole and his manhole.

He seems to think the focus on GroperGate is dying down, and has had his lawyer seek to have at least one of the civil cases filed against to be dismissed.

Travolta has filed papers claiming Fabian Zanzi—the man-rubbing worker—is lying and made the whole sordid story up. Back story: Zanzi claims Travolta exposed himself during a neck massage—a neck massage?—aboard a Royal Caribbean cruise and then offered to pay Zanzi $12,000 to keep quiet.

Zanzi didn’t, and actually produced a video detailing his allegations, so, while Travolta admits to being on the cruise, all that rubbing and touching and exposing is just a damn lie and he wants the suit dropped and he wants Zanzi to pay his attorney’s fees.

Oh Johnny, your lawyer is working 24/7 trying to keep you from losing your shirt, this one little case won’t make a difference. And, well, howsabout the next time you need a massage you ask your wife?

Jon and Kate.

Still hate ‘em, and thought they’d gone away for good, but now comes news that Jon Gosselin is bitching about his financial situation because, he says, he pays some $22,000 a month in support. And he’s having a tough time meeting his obligations and is afraid he’s going to jail for being all deadbeat and stuff.

Jon Gosselin: “I can’t afford to pay my rent, and the domestic-relations staff tell me they will put me in jail unless I pay child support. I am a single father who’s trying to make ends meet during a recession. What do I do – pay child support or rent? I need to support my kids, but I could lose my house, and I need my home to continue to have custody. I’m doing the best I can. But life is so expensive with eight kids!”

Ya think so, Jon?

And then he goes on to disparage his babies’ mama, and media whore ex-wife, Kate, and her desire to star in a reality dating show. “I think this is completely ridiculous! We have eight children, and they need us. She is putting reality TV and dating in front of the kids. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but Kate’s need to be famous is not one of them.”

He has a point, but that didn’t stop Kate, who never met a snippet of gossip upon which she didn’t want to hang her hat, says she dropped the requirements for support in April: “I read Jon’s statement….and was quite surprised to read that he claims to be struggling to keep his child support payments current. As of April 27, 2012, [I] voluntarily relieved Jon of all current and future child support obligations for their eight children.”

Why don’t these two realize the clock has moved far beyond the fifteen minute mark and just go away? And maybe find real jobs and save some real money because I know at least eight kids who are gonna need to see a shrink as they grow up as the center of Hurricane Dysfunction.

So, little Miley Cyrus is all grown up and engaged and stuff.

May not last long because she ALLEGEDLY will not give her fiancé, Liam Hemsworth, any space at all. She is apparently hanging around the set of his new movie, the aptly titles, Paranoia, and will also be a regular fixture on the Catching Fire set this fall as well.

See, Miley is worried about Liam’s costar, the bisexually promiscuous—she left her girlfriend for Johnny Depp and then dropped the Depp for another woman—Amber Heard. Heard has quite the reputation for hooking up with her male co-stars. To set the ground rules, Miley arranged a quiet dinner for three, with Liam and Amber, so she could send Amber some subtle signals to leave her man alone.  But, um, yeah, that backfired when Amber ALLEGEDLY started hitting on Miley instead of Liam.

That must have been one uncomfortable dinner.

Still, Miley is said to be purely hetero, but, um, well, Miley is also a bit of a self-promoter, and wouldn’t a little Lesbian fling add to her street cred, and maybe give her film career a little boost? I mean, her last film, the also aptly named, LOL, was a direct to DVD d-i-saster.

Nothing a Lesbian affair couldn’t fix, eh?

First things first: I love Christina Aguilera. Girl has a powerful voice, even when she takes on a twelve minute run of screeches and squawks. So, I’m a fan.

And, well, as we all know, she has the reputation, these days, of loving the booze and the fired foods, as evidenced by her bloated face, and ginormous ass—often seen in stretched-to-the-limit body suits on The Voice—but, I’ll give her some slack.

Or maybe not. See, this story makes me wanna giggle like a schoolgirl. It seems that Aguilera. Has been named “the voice” of a new charity campaign for Yum! Brands World Hunger Relief. Let’s stop: Christina Aguilera. World Hunger.

I mean, is she gonna feed herself to the world?

Ain’t enough ranch dressing on the planet.

Sharon Osbourne has announced that she is leaving America’s Got Talent and not because she has that other gig, on The View, or The Talk, or Whatever.

No, it seems Osbourne is leaving the NBC show because she says that NBC fired her son, Jack, from a new show, Stars Earn Stripes, right after Jack announced he had been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

Jack says he “had just booked a job, right when I got diagnosed, and unfortunately the company that hired me didn’t think I could actually perform the job. At not one point did anyone ever call and ask me. It was all through agents and lawyers.”

He was let go via email, and Mama Osbourne isn’t happy.

But the moment Sharon said she was leaving AGT because of what NBC did about Jack’s MS—lor4dyu all those initial—NBC issued a statement that Jack’s upcoming role on the show was not confirmed and that they offered him other positions that he turned down.

Except, however, and for whatever reason, it is true that NBC fired Jack by e-mail two days before he was to report to work, and then lied about it to the press.

Sharon: “I just can’t be fake. It’s discrimination, and it was badly handled. It’s time to move on,” she said.

Sharon Osbourne remains under contract, but says, “They can’t make me do something I don’t want to do. All they can do is stop me from being a judge on another network for five years.”

Big deal. You don’t treat a Mama Bear’s son like that and expect her to just lie down and take.

Not Sharon Osbourne, she doesn’t give a Flying F.

And now onto an awful mother.

Oh Kris Jenner, there isn’t anything you wouldn’t do to promote your kids and fill your bank account.

Jenner is everywhere, doing press for “Keeping up with The Kardashians,” and talking up her marriage problems. On her, ahem “show,” she recently had, um, “run in” with a man she cheated on her last husband with 20 years ago and then basically bragged about in her book.

Because cheating is fun, you know, if it sells books and keeps your fat ass on TV.

But now Kash Kow’s ex, or soon-to-be ex, Kris Humphries, is claiming that not only did Kris Jenner direct the Kash Kow to make that infamous sex tape that jump started her career as a media whore, Kris Jenner also had Kash Kow “reshoot” it to make it better.

Now, whether or not she’s a porn director for her daughter, the truth does seem to say that Kris worked as a “middleman” to make sure Kash Kow earned top dollar for that video.

But really, a pimp or a porn director. What’s the difference?

Well, the difference is that a good mother would be neither one of those things to their own child, but Kris Jenner isn’t a good mother.

A good pump, yes.