It's Monday ....

 

The Funny Papers

David Horsey, Bill Day, Nick Anderson, Jack Ohman, Marc Murphy, Dave Whamond, Darrin Bell, JD Crowe, Bruce Plante, Ed Hall, Mike Luckovich, Matt Wuerker, Michael de Adder, Bill Bramhall, Clay Bennett,

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

If you ever attend a party at Tommy Cruise’s house, do not, by any means, push any button. And I don’t just mean the button you push when you walk up to Tommy and say, “Scientology is a cult!” Or “Leah was right!” or “How many fake marriages have you had?”

No, I don’t mean those buttons, I mean an actual button that was pushed by actress Kyra Sedgwick, who was invited to a party at Tom’s house in the early 1990s and ended up having the place surrounded by the police after she touched something in the house. Here’s what she says:

“[T]here was this, like, fireplace mantel and I was looking around and there was this little button underneath the mantel. A little button. I was like, ‘Oh, what is that little button?’ So, I pressed the little button because I just thought maybe something interesting will happen. Nothing happened and then I got a little nervous. I was like, ‘Oh, nothing happened that doesn’t seem right.’ So, I tapped Tom on the shoulder, who was in the middle of a story, and I said, ‘I pressed this button down here.’ And he was like, ‘You pressed that button?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah, I pressed that button.’ And he goes, ‘That’s the panic button.'”

The police were automatically called out to Tommy’s house, and he was forced to explain that it was all a mistake.

It could have been worse … she could have pushed that other button and asked:

“Have you seen your daughter lately?”

I imagine an entire Co$ swat team would have descended on the house and Kyra Sedgwick might never have been seen again.

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It was literally five minutes ago that I told y’all how Chrissy Teigen had shut down her Twitter account because of tall the hate she gets when she says stupid things. Chrissy said it was no longer fun and light and lively and she would have nothing more to do with it.

Tick Tock. Chrissy’s back on Twitter because you cannot keep a social media whore off social media. After a grueling 22 days—how did he do it—of nothing and no one talking about her, Chrissy came back, Tweeting:

“turns out it feels TERRIBLE to silence yourself and also no longer enjoy belly chuckles randomly throughout the day and also lose like 2000 friends at once lol”

Um, Chrissy, they aren’t “friends” they’re followers, because, and I’m guessing here, even you would recognize a friend if you walked by them on the street.

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Scientologist, and actor, Danny Masterson isn’t quite ready to defend himself against charges of rape, and is saying it’s all Leah Remini’s fault.

Masterson’s lawyers filed papers in LA ALLEGING that Remini’s well-documented campaign against Co$ extending to his court case. Masterson claims Remini pushed for the three women in his case—all Jane Does—to make reports to the Los Angeles Police Department. Masterson claims that the LAPD is “starstruck” by Leah Remini and he also ALLEGES she has a close relationship with LAPD detectives, “even using them as her personal security. And, if that isn’t enough, he claims Remini guided the women as they gave statements to prosecutors.

And because of all that he needs more time.

Huh. Notice how he never once says he did not rape those women, but just that Leah Remini doesn’t like him or his church cult.

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If you watch The View at all, you cannot help but wonder if it’s not her co-workers who despise her, it’s her hairdresser.

Meghan serves a different concoction every day, some odd, some strange, and some just downright awful, and now her hair stylist, Carmen Currie, is speaking out to tell us all that she does not hate Meghan McCain:

“I’m not slapping something on her and being like, “Take THAT!” I’m not telling her what to do all the time, it’s not like that at all. I want her to feel comfortable, I want her to feel confident with what I’m doing, and I want her to like it overall, and she does. I think it shows, and that’s part of what people are picking up on … There’s no fun hair and fun makeup; it’s very straightforward and obviously more conservative. Working with Meghan and The View, I get to be more creative and more artistic with the looks.”

Nice try Carmen, but if you don’t hate Meghan, please to explain these lewks:

Uh huh.

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I Didn't Say It ... The Chauvin Verdict

President Joe Biden:

“Today, a jury in Minnesota found former Minneapolis Police Officer Derek Chauvin guilty on all counts in the murder of George Floyd last May. It was a murder in the full light of day, and it ripped the blinders off for the whole world to see the systemic racism … that is a stain our nation’s soul; the knee on the neck of justice for Black Americans; the profound fear and trauma, the pain, the exhaustion that Black and brown Americans experience every single day. The murder of George Floyd launched a summer of protest we hadn’t seen since the Civil Rights era in the ‘60s — protests that unified people of every race and generation in peace and with purpose to say, ‘Enough.  Enough.  Enough of the senseless killings.’ Today’s verdict is a step forward [but] let’s also be clear that such a verdict is also much too rare.  … But it is not enough.  We can’t stop here. In order to deliver real change and reform, we can, and we must do more to reduce the likelihood that tragedies like this will ever happen and occur again; to ensure that Black and brown people or anyone—so they don’t fear the interactions with law enforcement, that they don’t have to wake up knowing that they can lose their very life in the course of just living their life.  They don’t have to worry about whether their sons or daughters will come home after a grocery store run or just walking down the street or driving their car or playing in the park or just sleeping at home.  … The guilty verdict does not bring back George.  But through the family’s pain, they are finding purpose so George’s legacy will not be just about his death, but about what we must do in his memory. … This is the time for this country to come together, to unite as Americans.  There can never be any safe harbor for hate in America. … [We] can’t leave this moment or look away, thinking our work is done.  We have to look at it … as we did for those 9 minutes and 29 seconds.  We have to listen.  ‘I can’t breathe.  I can’t breathe.’  Those were George Floyd’s last words.  We can’t let those words die with him.  We have to keep hearing those words. We must not turn away.  We can’t turn away.  We have a chance to begin to change the trajectory in this country.  It’s my hope and prayer that we live up to the legacy. May God bless you.  And may God bless the — George Floyd and his family.”

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Raphael Warnock, Georgia’s Democrat Senator:

"The reason why we've all been waiting with bated breath for this verdict is we've seen the opposite outcome so many times, and we have yet to put forward the kind of legislation that will create a different outcome, so we must do our job in this chamber."

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Chuck Schumer, New York’s Democrat senator and Senate Majority Leader:

"This guilty verdict serves as an official proclamation of what so many of us have known for nearly a year: George Floyd was murdered by an officer who was sworn to protect and serve."

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Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, New York’s Democrat Representative:

"This isn't justice. I … don't want this to be framed as the system working. Because it's not working. And that's what creates a lot of complexity in this moment. It's really important that this verdict is not used as a replacement for policy change."

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Nancy Pelosi, California’s Democrat Representative and House Speaker:

"We all saw it on TV. We saw it happen. And thank God the jury validated what we saw. So again, thank you George Floyd for sacrificing your life for justice. Your name will always be synonymous with justice, and now we have to make sure justice prevails in the sentencing."

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Bernie Sanders, Vermont’s Independent Senator:

"The jury's verdict delivers accountability for Derek Chauvin, but not justice for George Floyd. Real justice for him and too many others can only happen when we build a nation that fundamentally respects the human dignity of every person."

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Van Jones, CNN commentator:

"More cops can speak up. More police chiefs can speak up. And more people can do the right thing in these situations. In January and February of 2020 if you had asked the average white person, is police brutality a big deal, is anti-racism a big deal, some would have said yes, some would have said no [but] because of that young woman [Darnella Frazier] and because of the video, 20 million white Americans marched … millions. There were Black Lives Matter marches in Idaho, where there’s no Black people. That gives you a sense of how humanity’s heart was touched. That shouldn’t just happen in the streets when we’re marching. There’s so many opportunities for us to do better. Listen, the empathy gap that we’re seeing throughout our politics can start to close a little bit. It's important to understand … the police chief fired the guy and testified against him. There were people throughout the profession of law enforcement who came forward and did the right thing for once, and they all still have their jobs. More cops can speak up. More police chiefs can speak up. And more people can do the right thing in these situations."

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Kamala Harris, Vice President:

“This verdict is but a piece of it. And it will not heal the pain that existed for generations, that has existed for generations among people who have experienced and first-hand witnessed what now a broader public is seeing because of smartphones and the ubiquity of our ability to videotape in real time what is happening in front of our faces. And that is the reality of it. That’s why Congress needs to act. And that’s why they should pass the George Floyd Justice In Policing Act.”

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Maxine Waters, California’s Democrat Representative:

"You know, someone said it better than me: I'm not celebrating, I'm relieved." 

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Bobservations

Our friends—Roger and Thomas—are members of a private club in Smallville called Springdale Hall. It’s mostly a place to have dinner and drinks but is very exclusive. We have eaten there a couple of times as Roger and Thomas’s guests, but it’s definitely not our kind of place; too frou-frou, too hoity toity, too from another era, and not a good one.

Last week my boss—also not a member but desperate to be one—told me how people join Springdale Hall. First, you have to be recommended by three members, and, if that happens, you are invited to Springdale for a cocktail party where you are introduced to the members, who then vote on whether or not you are the right kind of people. But here’s the best[?] part: The club puts your name on the wall and the members sign the wall ‘Yes’ or ‘No,’ and can actually write a reason why they vote ‘No.’

I came home and told Carlos all about this mess and he said:

“I’m a nearly blind, disabled, homosexual Mexican …”

“Great! Now we’ll never get in!!”

And we’re both good with that, though I’d love to see what people would write on the walls about us!

Tuxedo is also overjoyed at the idea that, somewhere in Mar-a-Lago, Thing #45 is throwing an epic hissy fit.

Former Vice President Michael Elizabeth Pence underwent surgery to have a pacemaker implanted after experiencing “symptoms associated with a slow heart rate.”

Funny, I didn’t think he had a heart, or if he did, Mother kept it in a velvet bag in her jewelry box alongside his balls.

Did you hear about the two women—Amanda McCormick and Linda Johnson—who used a fake $1 million bill to purchases a few items at a Tennessee Dollar General store?

Yes, they did. McCormick says she received the “bill” from a church and decided to use it at Dollar General to buy things for care packages for homeless individuals.

Perhaps, she might have used it to get herself some mental help.

SIDENOTE: These white women were not arrested, not handcuffed, not held down by three cops, ,and didn’t have another officer kneel on their necks until they were dead because … white.

Another Carlos tidbit … you know, because I’ve told you, that he is in Spice Jail for excessive usage of spices in his cooking, resulting in his husband’s stomach being all sorts of flip-floppy and gross. And he has been better at limiting his spice usage, but …

The other night he made dinner. Grilled Pork Chops and Mashed Potatoes with Scallions and Kalamata Olives, and Sauteed Vegetables. He served dinner and it looked delicious; the pork was juicy and flavorful; the mashed potatoes were wonderful; the veggies … ?

Oh, the veggies. He’d made a mix of onion, peppers, mushrooms, asparagus tips and, what I thought was zucchini. It was not zucchini; it was cucumber; he … cooked … cucumber. Let that sink in … he … cooked … cucumber. And, because he thought the veggies needed a little zing, he opened a jar of pepperoncini’s and poured the brine into the veggies.

Yes. He did. I am signing him up for cooking classes before he kills me.

PS I have heard that you can cook cucumbers, but that doesn’t mean you should,

A herd of breeding elephants trampled a suspected poacher to death while he tried to flee from South African park rangers.

Karma. I love her.

More Karma … after saying last week that COVID-19 was no big deal because no one ever quarantined for COVIDS one through eighteen, asshat, wingnut, moron Ted Nugent tested positive for COVID-19.

Of course, because he’s a racist asshat, he called it the “Chinese s–t.” One can only imagine how sick he might have gotten if he’d had any of the first eighteen COVIDS.

And finally we have Danilo d'Agostino, an Instagram ‘star’ and model from Turin, Italy who is also a pianist and inspiring actor. Yes, he took his Instagram account, where he posted pictures of himself, as some people do, and turned it into a rather lucrative modeling contract, so, you see, Instagram can be used for good.

Architecture Wednesday: Ericsson-Bray House

Last week I was in love with a modern, mirrored box, in the hills above artsy San Miguel de Allende in Mexico, and this week my must have is a stunning 106-year-old cottage in the hills above artsy Berkeley, California.

And even better, the Ericsson-Bray House, an historic Arts and Crafts home is up for sale … for the first time in 106 years! To be fair, it’s not at all the same cottage, built by designer-builder Carl Ericsson, it was back then, having undergone several renovations and add-ons by architect John Hudson Thomas—brother of original owner Nora Bray—in 1921 and 1929. According to the Berkeley Architectural Heritage Association, the home’s living room, dining area, kitchen, and stairwell were part of Ericsson’s original floor plan, while Thomas later extended the entry hall and added both a library and a bedroom in 1921. Thomas returned to the home in 1929 to oversee the addition of a piano alcove and conservatory off the living area, as well as the addition of a "secret" gable room above the conservatory, accessible from two of the original upstairs bedrooms.

The entryway opens to the living room on one side and library; in the living room, a large hearth features original clinker bricks and a solid redwood mantle, with floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the backyard garden; and, as it is throughout the house, original features include redwood boxed beam ceilings and board-and-batten paneling, as well as vintage light fixtures and door hardware.

The conservatory retains many original features, including natural, gray-toned stucco walls that match the exterior of the home, and connects to the dining area, which comes complete with built-ins and vintage light fixtures. The kitchen features original cabinetry, as well as a vintage stovetop and modern appliances. Above the sink is a beveled-glass bay window, and in the corner next to the refrigerator are stairs that lead to the lower level.

Upstairs there are 3 spacious bedrooms and one bathroom. A carved wood, high gabled room with various charming built-ins: desk, twin bed and ladder leading to an attic storage space, bring to mind an English turn of the century cottage. The basement level has a bedroom, bathroom and laundry and connects to the garden on the south and to the garage on the north.

A rear view of the home shows how portions of the original shingle cottage merge with the stuccoed additions. A covered outdoor area extends from the lower level and connects to the multilevel backyard garden where raised vegetable beds rest on an elevated portion of the garden.

In total, the residence now offers five bedrooms and two full bathrooms spread out across over 3,000 square feet and three levels. The property is secluded on a charming tree-lined street in Berkeley’s Northside neighborhood and can be had for just $1,450,000. 

Dwell