The Oscar Fashion Report

BEST ... I had three picks this year:

Hailee Steinfield was just a shimmering gorgeous princess while ...

Janelle Monae rocked the sexy Evil Queen look. Janelle’s look might be a little much to some, but when you push it a little and look so fabulous doing it, well, that’s a winner.

And finally, my BFF Nicki Kidman; she’s been all over the place this awards season looking like a saloon girl one night and a bird of paradise another; but at the Oscars she played the simply elegant card.

VERY GOOD, clockwise from top left:

Emma Stone brought the Old Hollywood glamour with some La La fringe to the show, and picked up the Oscars while doing so.

Robin Roberts, of ABC News, stole the pre-show, however, looking like an Oscar statuette.

Viola Davis can do no wrong, acting, accepting an award, looking fabulous, she scored on all three last night.

Scarlett Johansson was a vision; a Sugar op=Plum Fairy visiting long after Christmas. Ethereal and edgy, she was.

MEH, clockwise from top left:

Amy Adams allegedly skipped the red carpet because her role in Arrival wasn’t nominated. Good thing because that’s way too much cleavage. I guess she wanted to show the academy that she had two Golden Globes and didn’t need Oscar.

Jessica Biel; she looked good from toes to ... neck. That clownish looking neckpiece—either part of the dress or a bad accessory choice, and the Frau Blücher hair—ruined it for me.

Felicity Jones looked like a thirteen –year-old girl off to her first big girl dance. This isn’t Oscar at all, and she’s a little too old to go so young.

Chrissy Teigen never met a design idea she didn’t beat to death ... high slit, peek-a-boo boobage ... spray tan ... smoky eye ... pick one, Chrissy, pick one!

ALSO MEH ... clockwise from top left:

Charlize Theron is one of the hottest women in the world—and I’m a raging homosexual so that should tell you something—but this dress does her a huge disservice. She looks so thick in the waist, and her waist looks so long. I thought she was channeling Joan Crawford Linebacker chic.

Halle Berry coud’a gone higher but that hair was just bad. I get it that she was tired of her short ‘do, but that mass off curls was too much, too square, and too much in her face. It ruined everything.

Naomie Harris looks like Casper the Friendly Superhero ... or else she got a yuuuuuuge piece of toilet paper stuck on the back of her dress.

Isabelle Huppert looked classy and sleepy and, well, it was a bit of a yawn. The only think that struck me about this look at all was how much she looks like Calista Flockhart.

BITCH STOLE MY LOOK

Emma Roberts and Michelle Williams should become friends so they can better coordinate outfits at these shows. And if you wanna wear the same thing does it really need to be a lace tablecloth skirt? I say, No.

BAD ... left to right;

Alicia Vikander is channeling Saloon Girl Funeral Wear while ...

Brie Larson is channeling Jessica Rabbit-Ears Funeral wear and ...

Salma Hayek is channeling ... Basic Funeral Wear. Seriously, black is usually chic, but I half expected these women to arrive in hearses.

BADDER ... left to right:

Dakota Johnson has made two films all about sex and seduction and yet she dresses like Schoolmarm Oscar? With Juliette Lewis’ old hair—and even Juliette has stopped doing that.

Jennifer Aniston, on the other hand, has found a style and sticks to it like she’s hanging on for dear life. Low-cut? Check. High slit? Check. Surfer Girl hair? Check. Try.Something.New!

WORST

Leslie Mann is so funny that I thought this was a joke and she’d whip it off and give us a real dress underneath. But this yellow ... hideously yellow ... Zac Posen number just proves that if you add more and more fabric to an already ugly dress you just get a bigger uglier dress.

BEST HOT MAN

Aldis Hodge. Classy. Classic. And I love the jewelry on the lapel. But, sheesh, he is so damned hot my TV screen fogged up and my pants got a little tight ... down there.

VERY GOOD HOT MEN

Mahershala Ali, who smolders, until he smiles and he shimmers. I love the all-black look.

Riz Ahmed, from Rogue One, took the other direction and chose a beautiful blue tuxedo that fit him to a T.

GOOD HOT MEN

Chris Evans always seems to wear a blue tuxedo, but, you know, he’s Chris Evans so he can wear anything, or nothing, if he chooses, and I’ll be good with that.

David Oyelowo is looking dapper in the white jacket with black lapels. He’s just a classy sexy guy with a classy sexy voice.

Gael Garcia Bernal. He’s such a wee thing, but he is so damned cute and he’s Hispanic and y’all knows how much I loves me a Hispanic man.

HONORABLE MENTION HOT MEN

Dev Patel. He looks so much better since he cut his hair.

Glen Powell, from Hidden Figures is sleek and sexy in basic black.

John Legend always looks simply elegant, but he looks much better with Chrissy Teigen hanging all over him.

Pharrell Williams always goes a little different, a little edgy, and last night he rocked some Chanel. I’ll give him points for that and points for not wearing shorts!

Lucas Hedges, Manchester By The Sea, is giving me formal serial killer chic between the tux and the hair and I’m kinda liking it ... which says volumes about me.

Justin Timberlake is like John Legend; he looks good in a tuxedo. But, unlike Legend, he is smarmy and full of himself. Just sayin’.

WORST HOT MEN

Jamie Dornan stars is those sexy movies with Dakota Johnson, and he, too, looks drab and slouchy and decidedly unsexy. Plus, you’d think that since he’s a model he’d have better posture and know how to wear clothes.

Ryan Gosling is so freaking handsome and usually looks so put together, but those ruffles on the shirt are giving me either Tom Jones circa 1974, or cater waiter refilling my water glass. Hot cater waiter refilling my water glass.

WTF NOT HOT MEN

Terrence Howard is either trying to be Hugh Hefner of he left his coat at home and walked out wearing a smoking jacket.

Jackie Chan also wore a robe and brought along the two stuffed Pandas he sleeps with, I guess, Seriously. Stuffed animals. At the Oscars. Oy!

The Funny Papers

Gary Huck, Clay Bennett, Dave Granlund, RJ Matson, Nick Anderson, Marc Murphy, Bill Day, David Horsey, Drew Sheneman

It's Snarkurday!

Lisa Marie Presley has been married ... a lot; I mean, we all know about the Michael Jackson sham and the Nicholas Cage crazy, but there are others; and that means she’s been divorced ... a lot, too. But normally her divorces are quiet and quick, until this current one—I won’t say ‘last one’ because ... it’s Lisa Marie—from Michael Lockwood, her husband of ten years, is getting ugly.

Lisa Marie and Michael have twin 8-year-old girls who are now in the custody of the LA County Department of Children and Family Services after Lisa Marie told the authorities that she found disturbing things on Michael’s computer ... something along the lines of child porn, though no one is really saying.

Lisa Marie says the images and videos made her “sick to her stomach” and so she called the Beverly Hills Police Department; using a search warrant, they found the questionable images and videos, and also confiscated 80 ... eighty??? ... of Michael’s devices.

Now the divorce is not just irreconcilable differences, but about the ALLEGATIONS of “sexual abuse and neglect” against Michael Lockwood and, while he wants spousal support, she is claiming to be broke.

Yup, Lisa Marie is broker than broke. She’s already gone through her $300 million inheritance from Daddy Elvis, owes $7.3 million to the IRS, is $655,000 in debt, and is living with her daughter Riley Keough and her husband.  

And, she says, her brokeness is ALLEGEDLY Lockwood’s fault because, again, she says, he stole from her and failed to make the payments on her English manor house and so she owes another $5.4 million there.

But, to be fair, this is what constitutes broke in Lisa Marie’s life: she receives $100,000 a month from her father’s estate and another $4,361 monthly for being the creative director at Graceland. Over 100K a month is broke? That’s almost $3,500 a day. I should be so broke.

Now, I don’t know if Lisa Marie is broke—okay, I know she’s not Bob Broke, she’s Presley broke—and I don’t know if her husband is some kind of Subway Jared perv, but I do know that this is one fugly split.

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Speaking of celebrity divorces, it now appears that after splitting up—perhaps because of Ben’s dalliance with the nanny—Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are finally, truly, really done being husband-and-wife.

Ben has moved out of the guest house and Jennifer is filing papers. I’m kinda glad because this marriage-is-over-but-he’s-living-in-the-guest-house-and-we-take-vacations-together mess has gone on too long.

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Poor Little Justin Bieber ... back in May 2016, an indie artist named Casey Dienel accused Justin and Skrillex of stealing a sample from her song Ring The Bell and using it without permission. So now she’s suing, but getting Justin to talk may be hard.

Bieber was scheduled to give a deposition last week, but didn’t even show up. He called in sick ... well, the nanny called in sick ... he couldn’t talk with the rectal thermometer in his mouth.

But Casey Dienel’s lawyers think he’s #FakeNews and say they have proof via several YouTube videos showing him partying with his friends in the early morning hours before his scheduled deposition... damn you, YouTube ... and then hours after calling in sick, Bieber, posted more pictures to Instagram of him drinking with his friends.

To be fair, no one ever said he was smart.

Casey’s lawyers are pissed, because they flew from Nashville to LA for the deposition, so now they want Bieber to give his make-up deposition in March in Nashville.

I imagine his excuse for missing that deposition is that he got locked inside the overhead compartment on the plane.

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Katherine Heigl had it made; she was the It Girl on Grey’s Anatomy back in the day, but then her head got too big and she ran from that show to make movies. A few were successful, but then even her films were bust so she went trotting back to TV. Her first foray of shame was in something called State of Affairs, which was cancelled about halfway through the first hour it was on.

So, don’t blink, because Heigl is back in a new show called Doubt and there is no doubt that it will die a quick death.

But this story is about her promoting Doubt on The Late Late Show with James Corden, and Corden saying he’d heard—or had been told, by Heigl—that John Mayer had something to do with her finding her husband and falling in love and blahblahblah.

See, about a month after Heigl and Josh Kelley started dating, she says that she didn’t know if he was serious, and so she started “hanging out”—banging—John Mayer; she swears they never “did it” but says she just used John  to make Josh jealous:

“[John] wasn’t interested in me in that way, but he would talk to me about like other hot girls and stuff. It was friends! But Josh didn’t know that. But Josh, to this day, doesn’t quite believe me ... But I did use it a little bit to put a fire under him. It was like, ‘Hey, if this isn’t exclusive and you’re dating other people, that’s fine, but I’m going to continuing seeing John.'”

Seriously, Josh was jealous of John Mayer? I mean, Mayer has banged garbage cans in LA and if Heigl thinks that’s an endearing quality to make Josh jealous then the two of them, the three of them, are crazy.

Or maybe Josh Kelley knew they were banging and sacrificed himself to save the world from a Heigl-Mayer spawn.

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Two years after Nicole Kidman escaped the cult of Scientology Tom Cruise, there were rumors she was dating Lenny Kravitz.  I remember hearing that and thinking, “Lucky bitch,” but neither Nicole nor Lenny ever confirmed it ... until now.

Nicole is starring in a new HBO series Big Little Lies and one of her co-stars is, small world, Lenny’s daughter Zoë Kravitz, and when Nicole was interviewed about the show and the other actresses and how they all knew each other, she said this:

“Well, I knew Zoë because I was engaged to her father. It’s all in the family! I love Lenny; he’s a great guy.”

Back in 2007, Nicole admitted she had been engaged to someone before marrying Keith Urban in 2006, but she wouldn’t say to whom ... and now we know.

Seriously, it looks like some celebrities don’t have to share their every moment with the media ... though this romance was back in the days before everyone had a smart phone and an Instagram account.

And again, I’ve seen the video of Lenny onstage and he splits his pants down the middle and so, again, “Lucky bitch.”

Even if it was a short engagement.

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Sometimes it’s best when athletes don’t speak; I mean, make your coins from your athletic prowess, but don’t talk, at all.

Case in point, Cleveland Cavalier Kyrie Irving who has just come out ... no, not that way ... to say that the earth is flat.  Oh, but he did; he said it on the Road Trippin’ with RJ & Channing podcast:

“This is not even a conspiracy theory. The Earth is flat. The Earth is flat. … It’s right in front of our faces. I’m telling you, it’s right in front of our faces. They lie to us.”

He says science is just opinion and that sometimes—shades of Hair Furor—they lie, because he did learn that the earth was round but found that to be a lie?

What the what? It got to be such a story in the NBA that even LeBron James weighed in, saying “if he decides he wants to say the Earth is flat, so be it. He’s an interesting guy, and he believes it.” 

What the ... ? LeBron? You need to sit down and rethink that statement because what you should have said was something along the lines of, “How cute, but the earth isn’t flat and science isn’t just some guy’s opinion.

And Irving? Child, you need to stop talking and get back to class.

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Harrison Ford is one of those movie stars who like to fly planes and for a while he was good at it. Then he flew one into the ground and seriously injured himself, and last week he ALLEGEDLY landed his plane on a taxiway instead of a runway at the John Wayne Airport in Santa Ana, California and nearly missed hitting another plane carrying 110 passengers.

And now his newest role is playing the subject of an FAA investigation because, as he was coming in for a landing on the wrong runway, he asked the tower:

“Was that airliner meant to be underneath me?”

And that answer would be, “No, fool! You aren’t supposed to be over that airliner!”

And, not only that, Ford also ALLEGEDLY misidentified what kind of plane he was piloting and was ALLEGEDLY broadcasting to the wrong tower!

I’m thinking Hans should no longer fly Solo.

See what I did there ... ah, who cares!

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Disney is doing live-action remakes of pretty much all their cartoons because M-I-C ... see ya real soon ... K-E-Y ... why, because we need the coins.

And now comes word that Disney will be doing a live version of The Little Mermaid and, color me crazy, but Lindsay Lohan wants to be the mermaid.

On her Instagram page, Lohan actually put a photo of herself alongside a picture of cartoon Ariel, and then announced that she wants Bill Condon to direct, and her sister, Ali, to do a song for the film, and that Kat Graham should play Ursula.

Sadly, were this version of The Little Mermaid be made, it would end up with Ariel in prison for killing someone in an undersea bar fight.

Seriously, Lindsay? Sit down before you fall down.

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Remember how broke Tori Spelling is? I mean, the IRS is after her, as are most credit card companies because Tori and her husband Dean McDermott don’t pay their bills.

And so what better way to try and get out of debt than to become pregnant with your fifth child and then ask your Mommy, Candy Spelling, to throw you a lavish baby shower. Nothing says I can’t pay my bills than a $40,000 party for a fetus.

Money that could have been used to pay off a credit card or, oh, I don’t know, maybe pay off Dean’s ex-wife, Mary Jo Eustace, the one he left after he started schtupping the married to someone else, Tori.

See, Dean owes Mary Jo thousands of dollars in back child support for their 18-year-old son Jack, and after seeing Tori’s Instagram of the FetusFest, Mary Jo is expected to rake Dean’s ass over the coals next month in court.

But, hey, back child support, or a party for your fifth child?

Asked and answered.

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So, Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black became the Cute-Hot-New-Gay couple when they hooked up a few years ago, but maybe the newly out Tom should’a waited awhile before settling down, because, ALLEGEDLY, he’s kind of a photo-sharing, model-banging player.

See, Tom ALLEGEDLY sent a soft-core—it wasn’t hard, if you get my drift—porn video to a fan on Snapchat while, he claims, that he and Dustin were Ross-and-Rachel’ing it, i.e. they were on a break.

But he also had a bit of thing, and a couple of more things, with a model named Edward William whom he met on a London street. They started “hanging out” a year after Tom and Dustin became an item, and Edward has ALLEGEDLY “hung out” with both men several times.

But then Edward and Tom became “f**k buddies” whenever Dustin left town and for a year-and-a-half Ed was Tom’s booty call. Now, to be fair, some folks say Tom and Dustin have an open relationship so maybe Dustin knew?

But if he knew, and he saw that guy, wouldn’t he have gone off? I mean, I would ...

Edward and Tom stopped doing each other in 2015 when Tom got engaged to Dustin and Edward found a boyfriend who was less trick and more full-time.

Happy endings all around, or so it appears.

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