I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

We haven’t heard much from Tom Cruise lately … not that I’m complaining … but apparently Tommy’s been busy suing Life and Style magazine.

After Katie stitched together the sheets, climbed down the wall, scaled the fences and took a Greyhound cross-country with Suri, Tommy’s been kinda quiet; and, as some have said, kinda absentee in the father department. Mostly it was L&S that started the story and now Tom has decided that he’ll sue them for fifty million dollars.

Trouble is, when you sue, you need to give a deposition and when you give a deposition a lot of things come out. In the deposition Tommy Grrl ALLEGEDLY squirmed in his chair as the L&S lawyer repeatedly asked if Katie had escaped their marriage because of Scientology. Cruise stammered and cleared his throat and made it seem like the answer was No, but then the lawyer asked, “Katie Holmes left you in part to protect Suri from Scientology?”

Cruise answered: “Did she say that? That was one of the assertions, yes.”

And then Tommy said Suri wasn’t a member of Scientology; any more.

See, all those stories of secret cell phones and plots and plans and sheets sewn together and sleeping pills for the guards and guard dogs aren’t so far-fetched now, are they?

But, here’s some juicy stuff from the deposition:

On the L&S “Abandoned By Daddy” cover: “I mean, come on, that is absolutely disgusting. That is absolutely disgusting. And I have to tell you with everything … Listen, I am a public person, I absolutely understand. For me there is … I tolerate a tremendous amount and I’m very privileged to be able to have the life that I have, and I believe that. But there is a line that, that I draw for myself, and that’s it.”

Um, that’s gibberish, Tommy, and it won’t net you 50 mil. And still he doesn’t, he can’t, explain why he didn’t see Suri for over three months.

“Listen, when there is a divorce — if you look at this also in terms of Suri coming to me and certain agreements that you have, when a divorce occurs thing change. And it’s more complicated, as everyone know when that is, when that occurs, and there are certain agreements; now you have to ask for permission and organize schedules to make things happen. So it wasn’t — it’s not an ideal scene. It’s not an ideal situation.”

Wait. He ask to organize schedules. Oh, well, then carry on, don’t see your child because no couple with children who’ve ever divorced have had to organize schedules and visitation.

And then he says he parents Suri by telling “wonderful stories” over the phone, but resorts to gibberish and wordplay when asked if he thinks that counts as a ‘real visit:

 “No, it doesn’t. As I said, I’ve gotten pretty good at communicating and I also find that, you know, Suri, you know, is a very happy child and confident and has a good sense of herself.”

And then he explains why he chose to skip a scheduled, SCHEDULED, visit with Suri to spend 24 hours at a CO$ event in October: “It was an important event. I felt it was important.”

Wow. So he didn’t see her, but talking to her on the phone counts? And he didn’t see her because he had an important CoS event — maybe the one where they all voted on who should be his new wife. ALLEGEDLY.

Still, he makes all sorts of excuses and not one makes sense. I don’t see a judge asking anyone to pay him 50 million for anything.

I don’t mention Nathan Fillion very much because other than Desperate Housewives and Castle, I know next to nothing about him. And maybe that’s for the best.

Rumor has it that he’s pretty well-behaved for a celebrity, and is nice and generous to his fans, and doesn’t use Twitter to rant about stupid stuff; he doesn’t date the It Girls of the moment — or even the It Boys, for that matter — and doesn’t molest masseurs or hasn’t been arrested or drink or drug. He’s kinda dull for a Hollywood boy, you know, except …

Nathan Fillion is the star of “Castle” and he’s not about to let anyone forget it! Insiders on the set say Fillion recently threw a “diva fit” of epic proportions because he felt his co-star, Stana Katic, was getting too much attention:

“Nathan saw the show skewing more and more toward Beckett, and he finally went off on the producers,” revealed an insider — does anyone know if Lohan did a guest stint on this show because she’s the insider, you know. “Nathan railed, ‘The name of the show is ‘Castle’ not ‘Beckett’… now fix it!’ It was the ultimate diva meltdown.”

And this isn’t his first temper tantrum; in July, he foot-stomped and head-snapped because he didn’t want to work more than four days a week.

He lost that battle, but I’m guessing no one on that show will ever forget that he’s the star.

I love Sharon Osbourne because she says what she wants to say and damn anyone who gets miffed.

But recently she and the other gals from The Talk appeared on The Arsenio Hall Show — hold  on, is it still 1992 and no one told me? When did Arsenio come back to TV? — and Sharon let loose as she likes to do.

When Hall asked the question, “What’s the difference between The Talk and The View?" Talk host Julie Chen said, “We do not discuss politics. We do not debate….”

Before Chen could continue, the audience began to laugh as Osbourne rolled her eyes and tossed her red plastic cup in the air after taking a big swig of something to drink:

“Cut to the chase! Stop being polite. Cut to the f–king chase! This is the situation. The situation is Barbara — idolize her. Divine. She’s superhuman. I love Barbara Walters. The rest can go f–k themselves.”

Then, the next day on The Talk, Sharon tried to apologize for saying that, but she incorrectly — or was it a Freudian slip — apologized to “the ladies of The Talk.” But she wised up and ALLEGEDLY issued individual apologies to all of the ladies:

“Unfortunately I was inappropriate and I was trying to be funny at somebody else’s expense.”

Or … she was just being honest?

More on Tommy Grrl? And his lawsuit? Okay, cut to the deposition.

Even though Tommy and Katie ended their marriage quickly and quietly, this new lawsuit is revealing a lot about the Ego That Is Tom Cruise. While some of the deposition refers to how upset Tiny Tom was when Katie left — and all of America joined her Team — he apparently began throwing blame at anyone and everyone, including her design partner, Jeanne Yang, whom he believes leaked information to the press. Tom apparently also accused Katie of calling the paparazzi every time she left her home so they could photograph her and Suri walking together.

But the best part of the deposition? Tom not only thinks he trains harder than Olympic athletes, he believes his job as a professional actor is as grueling as fighting the war in Afghanistan.

First, the Middle East — Tom says his location shoots are just like serving a tour in Afghanistan, “That’s what it feels like. And certainly on this last movie, it was brutal. It was brutal.”

Until the director yelled cut and Tommy Grrl went back to his air-conditioned trailer and some brought him lunch and his binky, then read to him, changed his diaper and put him down for a nap.

As for his physical training, Tom said, “There is difficult physical stamina and preparation. Sometimes I’ve spent months, a year, and sometimes two years preparing for a single film. A sprinter for the Olympics, they only have to run two races a day. When I’m shooting, I could potentially have to run 30, 40 races a day, day after day.”

But, um, then why not try out for the Olympics, Tommy? I mean you could run every race and win every race because you are the greatest athlete EVER!!

And then, because he’s told us how his job is more grueling than a soldier in a battlefield, and because he’s a better athlete than an Olympian, Tom makes his final shot for our sympathy: he had to fly commercial once in the last four years because he had no choice.

Naturally Tom’s lawyer, Bert Fields, is on the rampage about the quotes and is calling them “a gross distortion of the record.”Fields said Tom was only joking — because, seriously, this whole lawsuit is a joke — and an unreleased video would show that Tom “meant no offense” and was laughing while he made these offensive statements.

Except he said them.

Justine Bieber apparently had time to step away from the hookers and strippers long enough to release a new single — All Bad ... is that a title or a review? — and apparently the whole song is a dig at Taylor Swift because she ALLEGEDLY told Selena Gomez to stop her lesbian fling with The Biebs.

Now, neither Swifty or Miss Justine have ever really blatantly come out and made their true feelings known until this month when Miss Justine co-signed this Tweet by a, um, for lack of a better word, fan:

 “I think Justin was shading Taylor in #AllBad”

In Justin’s defense, clearly it’s Swifty’s fault that Gomez dumped him, I mean, he schtups hookers, makes it rain on strippers who dance to his music, spits on his fans from balconies, pees in mop buckets, makes light of victims of the Holocaust, and is a cheater … plus he can’t sing … so it’s no wonder Gomez dropped him like a bad crack addiction.

Kim and Kanye aren’t ever going to be married.

Oh, sure, they schtupped each other and made a baby, and then had a televised engagement ceremony that was as real as Joan Rivers’ face, but they ain’t never gonna walk down the aisle.

They aren’t even living together in the house they ALLEGEDLY bought to raise baby South West. Kimmy Kash Kow is krashing at mama Kris’ krib, and Kanye’s still living a half-hour away in his confirmed bachelor pad.

Only 23 days into their engagement, and the couple is already living separate lives. A source — and you know it's mom-whore Kris — says, "Kanye is working all the time and he will come over ... for a few hours but then go back to his place."

And yet they’re telling anyone and everyone — and by that I mean every magazine they can suck up to — that they want more children right away. Kim wants all her kids to be close in age and Kanye wants a bunch of minions to carry his baggage.

And girl, does he have baggage.

This marriage … that’s funny. Marriage.

So, we talked about Tom Cruise saying he works harder than an Afghanistan soldier, and now Mark Walberg has a little something to say on the subject, though he isn’t speaking about Cruise, ALLEGEDLY.

But, while out promoting his newest film, Lone Survivor, in which he plays a Navy SEAL, he had lots to say at an American Film Institute Q&A about it:

 “For actors to sit there and talk about ‘oh I went to SEAL training’? I don’t give a f-ck what you did. You don’t do what these guys did. For somebody to sit there and say my job was as difficult as being in the military? How f-cking dare you, while you sit in a makeup chair for two hours. I don’t give a sh-t if you get your ass busted. You get to go home at the end of the day. You get to go to your hotel room. You get to order your f-cking chicken. Whatever the f-ck it is.”

Snap, Tom, I think Marky just read you.