Why Is It ...

… that pets are great for companionship or if you want to trip and die while moving from room to room  … and I am looking at you Consuelo!

… that people forget that I will match their respect but I will top their disrespect; don’t play with me.

… that my top three assumptions at the sound of a doorbell are: 1. It’s a murderer; 2. It’s the police telling me someone has died; or 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking has arrived.

… that people don’t understand that I identify as clumsy and my pronouns are Oops, Ouch and Oh no!

… that when people think my post is about them I ask them why? Did they find something in their size? Something from our new Guilty Conscience Collection.

… that while I am mentally at the beach, physically I am at a meeting I didn’t ask for.

… that some people don’t get that I am not saying I hate you, I’m just saying that if I had to choose between saving you and a cactus, I’d water the cactus.

… that you need to realize that I don’t start drama, I just finish it with better comebacks.

… that you don’t see that I am not ignoring you, I’m just giving you the time to realize how irrelevant you are to me.

… that it infuriates me that Chicken Lips went to HR and now we can’t use nicknames at work any more.