Is Aaron Schock Gay?

Okay, so The Dowager Congressman, AKA Aaron Schock,  has stepped down amid all sorts of accusations of being a spendthrift; taking from Peter, er, his campaign funds, to pay Paul, i.e. the interior decorator who Downton Abbey’d his offices; and for inviting his BFF, and personal photographer, Jonathon Link, to be his travel companion to far off vacation spots, and then put him on the government payroll.

But then poofter, um, poof! He was gone. And yet the story still lingers around Aaron Schock; the same story that’s followed him since TealBlueBeltGate: is he gay?

Let’s see: he’s tiny, like a Pocket Gay, standing at just 5-feet, eight-inches tall. He loves his clothes and has a distinct fashion sense; he’s a gym rat with a penchant for shirtless selfies. He skips and jumps like a cheerleader; he’s both a Katy Perry fan and a Taylor Swift fan; he travels to exotic locals with hot single men.

Yeah, I dunno if he’s gay or not, and the fact is that I really don’t care.

I mean, if he’s gay, how sad it must be to be him and live in hiding, and outright lie about it; and how hard it must be to, while he was in office, vote against any and all LGBT equality bills just to keep his secret. So, I feel for him if he’s gay and closeted because that’s a lonely hateful place but …

If he’s gay, well then good for us. I mean, we need a gay villain in this soap opera called life. The last time we had one was Ken Mehlman, who worked with then-President George W. Bush on his campaign against same-sex marriage … and then came out as gay.

We need to have the self-loathing closeted I-Hate-Fags fag to show the rest of the world that we aren’t all puppies and disco balls or leather work belts and plaid shirts. I think it’s kinda nice to say, Hey, we can be cheaters just like straight people! We can finagle — my polite way of saying embezzle — funds from our campaign coffers to pay designers to make our spaces chic and oh so BBC and Masterpiece Theater. We can lie about with whom we travel, and how the bill gets paid. It makes us seem, well, more like straight people.

I mean, if Aaron Schock is gay and a thief, well, then he looks an awful lot like a lot of straight politicians, which means gay folks are more like straight folks than a lot of politicians, both straight and self-0loathing gay, would like to admit.

It’s circular logic; well, it’s wonky circular logic, but it's my logic.

Let me try to make this queer: I don’t care is Aaron Schock is gay. If he is, how sad for him to have lived such an anti-gay public life; if he isn’t, well, there are worse things he could be called, like, oh, I dunno, a crooked politician.

But, if he is gay and he does decide to come out, then let me just say that there will be no copy of the Gay Agenda and he will not be gifted with the Obligatory Coming Out Toaster Oven from Homo HQ.

He probably had his constituents pay for a designer one anyway.

photo via Wonkette